For thinking this is a bit off? - Letting yourself into a house where you no longer live!

[Mugginss]

Have NC just for this post. Not sure if I'm being OTT or if this is a bit off.

Would you do this or do you think it's normal? My partners ex let herself into the house knowing we were out. She's not lived there for 2 years although it's still technically their house. The agreement was to drop a few items at the doorstep knowing we were only a few minutes away.

Maybe bit of back story but she's not very nice to my partner, they are not on good terms so why would she feel so confident walking in like that? Is this a control thing? They are in the process of splitting assets. She's also previously told him she still loves him and misses them, yet I'm the one accused constantly of being up to no good. I'm wondering if there is more to this than he's letting on which is why he's so paranoid. She was waiting outside the house too when we got back so he spoke to her but I went on into the house.

Thoughts please?

[Jebuschristchocolatebar]

I would be changing the locks tonight

[formerbabe]

So she owns half of it?

[Funkyslippers]

Why was she waiting outside if she'd already gone in (presumably to drop the things off)??

[HeavyLocks]

Why does she still have a key?

[Cherrysoup]

She's on the mortgage, no formal division of assets? I believe she can stroll in when she wants by law. Obviously she shouldn't, morally.

[Bagel88]

If it's half her house she is legally allowed there anytime. She would even sleep there if she was that way inclined.
The best bet is to get the split finalised and move on :)

[DisplayPurposesOnly]

She's also previously told him she still loves him and misses them, yet I'm the one accused constantly of being up to no good. I'm wondering if there is more to this than he's letting on which is why he's so paranoid

The ex is marking her territory.

Your partner is accusing you? With no reason? That alone is reason enough for you to take a step back.

[lyralalala]

If she owns/part-owns the house then legally she can, and in that case changing the locks to prevent a legal owner accessing a house is really bad advice.

What is your OH doing to sort the situation long term?

[Mugginss]

Yes of course legally she can. I completely get that. They've never married and she was put on the deeds with promises she'd never do him over. She never paid a penny towards it but yet she's demanded half which they are literally in the process of him buying her out. Weeks away of it going through.

Just didn't know if I thought I'd should be okay with this as it didn't sit right with me.

[Raspberrytruffle]

Sounds like she was snooping, but yes it's half of her house but the decent thing to do I arranged it with your dp.

[Mugginss]

@Funkyslippers this is what I thought exactly. Apparently she was texting him to let him know. She knew I was with him and explicitly asked if I was and made a point about leaving stuff outside as she wasn't ready to meet me, in case we were back. So why go in the house? How did she know we weren't in? We were on foot with both cars on the drive.

[Mugginss]

I just can't seem to get it out of my head!

[SnowyAlpsandPeaks]

I knock and walk into both my ex’s homes, and they do the same to mine(And make a cuppa and raid the cupboards!). One ex is single, the other engaged, his wife to be, if in will shout ‘hi’ from where ever she is,come down and give me a hug and put the kettle on (or if it’s evening offer a glass of wine). And we’ll put the world to right for a bit. I have times where I have both my ex’s and my dp all sat yapping away in the living room.

The difference is, I have a child each with them, although they are now teen and university aged. But we have always been like this, and it’s ‘our’ norm. We will go into each other’s homes when they aren’t present, but only with their knowledge- to drop something off or pick something up.

But your situation isn’t like mine. We do it as we have children involved and have been in each other’s lives between 16-25 years. That’s a huge difference!! His ex was either A) snooping B) showing you she still had some control- basically being a bitch 🤷🏻‍♀️

[BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil]

Talk about marking her territory! Count yourself lucky she didnt make like a cat and pee to do it

[bringincrazyback]

Feeling your pain OP. My DH's ex still had a key to DH's house long after it stopped being 'their' house. Apparently she 'needed' one because their DD was sometimes at the house, but she also used to walk in without knocking when we were in, and let herself in on various pretexts when DH was out, and I was made out to be the villain of the piece when I requested that this stop because I was moving in, and that it wasn't really appropriate that she have a key any more. Major, major boundary issues there, and it caused tensions for a long time.

[Mugginss]

Thanks for replies. Does anyone think I have anything to be worried about in terms of their relationship? I can't get over the fact that she's got the confidence to do that, what if we'd come back when she was there? Weird.

[Motoko]

Erm, if I was you, I think I'd get a new toothbrush, and not use your current one. I've heard of people doing nasty things with other people's toothbrushes, who they want to get revenge on.

[Mugginss]

@Motoko there'd be no reason she'd want revenge on me unless she's jealous! She cheated which ended the relationship. She should have thought about that before she hurt the person she "loves".

[Motoko]

She's told him she still loves him and misses him. She could think that the only reason he's not gone running back into her arms, is because you're there.

If she's bold enough to let herself into his house, then don't be too sure she wouldn't be tempted to do something nasty, and the toothbrush thing is invisible. The people who do that, get a kick out of knowing their "enemy" is happily using the toothbrush, unaware that they wiped the toilet bowl clean with it, or stuck it down the back of their pants and used it to scratch their arse.

She might not have done anything like that, but I wouldn't risk it.

[Nearlythere1]

You'd be surprised how many of the people who cheat and leave are the possessive jealous ones once the ex moves on!

[Mugginss]

@Motoko urgh! Really? Not sure what my next move should be. It's caused a storm with us and I'm starting to feel resentment 😫

[Jon65]

What do you expect him to do? He can't tell her to stay away, she has the right to live in the property if she wants to . . .

[PregnantSea]

Definitely get a new toothbrush - that's good advice.

She could well just be marking her territory as others have said. It doesn't necessarily mean anything more than that. She probably wants to get in your head and make you feel insecure - you've stolen her man afterall, and are now living in her house! That's the way she'll see it, believe me.

I would just make sure you and DP are having open conversations about all of this as you need to, and count down the days until it's finalised so that you can change the locks that same day. I'd honestly make it the first thing I would do. I'd have the locksmith out at the stroke of midnight lol.

[Monty27]

Why shouldn't she? It's her house too.

[Smotheroffive]

Why are you the 'bad guy'? What are you supposed to have done wrong here?