In search of an easy life?(58 Posts)
DH works away a lot. But he's mainly WFH for the next couple of months. So whereas normally I do the lion's share, we're making a conscious effort to spread the load more evenly.
What I have discovered is: it is just making my life a bit shit.
Today, I unexpectedly had to spend a long day in the office. I came home at 8pm (with a few more hours of work to do) to find the house in chaos and our DS hadn't been fed. I then get yelled at and after DH put DS to bed he disappeared upstairs to bed to watch TV.
Last week, he was supposed to be cooking something from a cook book. DH got annoyed because I hadn't forewarned him how long it would take. (It took 30 mins, he knew what he was cooking and he's been chilling whilst me and DS we're out). He threw the book (not hard, but not really the point).
I realise I'm making him sound like a bit of a p*%#k. I am still fuming!
AIBU to just do everything myself for an easy life? I hate being shouted at. I don't shout back, I either burst into tears (if I'm tired or stressed) or speak very calmly (which I imagine sounds really condescending). Either way, DH storms off. I also hate my DH behaving like this in front of DS.
If I am BU (which I probably am) how do I improve the situation?
He is being an absolute fucken wanker ,
You don't deserve to be treated like this.
You also don't deserve to have to do all the work just to not be treated like shit.
You deserve some one who respects you , the amazing person you are and the work you do, and does there share without even being asked
I hope my DDs don't end up married to your DS if this is the behaviour his father is modelling. A 10 year old boy and an adult husband should be perfectly capable of putting in a day at school / work and keeping the house respectable and making a meal for a working Mum returning home at 8pm.
Do you normally work so late when your DH is away? If not and you are taking the chance to "lean in" while your DH is home then perhaps they both resent this. Did you expect them to wait that late to eat?
If I worked full time I would not be doing all the wifework for the Lord of the manner to return home and treat me like S**t. Struggling to understand why you don't just LTB if you want an easy life.
If your son is 10, why didn't he tell his dad he was hungry? Have you asked him? I'm wondering if he did, but got shouted at, or if he was too afraid to ask.
It is difficult for transition from working away to WFH. I have a DH who would leave on a Sunday morning to travel, work away for 2 weeks (sometimes 3) and get home around lunchtime on the Saturday having flown overnight. He'd work in the local office for 2 weeks (max), having 1 weekend at home (and under pressure to spend that "down home" with family 2.5 hours away ) and, having not really slowed down at all, be back on the merry-go-round of overnight travel again on the Sunday of the 2nd weekend. For 4 looooong years. DD and I literally had a routine for when he was away, and a completely different routine for when he was home. And DH did get used to having laundry and cleaning done for him while away (he still had to either eat out or make relatively easy dinners for himself - slight step up from pot noodle but lots of ready meals as usually only microwave, or a single ring in the better digs).
Find time to sit down with him and ASK what he expects, and how he wants it to work. And acknowledge that it is hard for him, but also let him know that it's hard for you to adjust after he has been away for so long.
Have a list of the different chores that need doing, and roughly how often/how long they take, to help figure it out.
Would the 10 yo be able to cook themselves, or at least get involved in prep work? Teaching DCs to cook is an invaluable lifeskill, regardless of anything else.
Thing is the dynamic of your living arrangements has changed. He’s used to working away from home and basically doing nothing because he’s not there to do it. Now he’s there all the time and you, quite rightly, expect him to step up and he’s out of his depth. He absolutely shouldn’t be throwing books but it shows the depth of his frustration.
You’ve agreed to share the workload, maybe you need to have a discussion about the detail of how that’s going to happen. Maybe you cook and he does the bulk of the housework - which is our arrangement only in reverse, mine loves cooking and I’m useless at it!
It's a trap don't fall for it. When he messes up let him deal with the consequences.
So are you saying that your husband has recently been asked to do his fair share at home and his response is to shout, throw things and sulk?
He thinks it's acceptable to shout at you and throws things in front of your DC. This is a much bigger issue then meal planning!
In Lundy Bancroft's book Why does he do that?, he is clear that abusive people don't lose their temper, they use their temper. They make you feel shit because they get some advantage from it. Your H is using his temper to get you to do everything domestic.
You can choose to give in, allow him to be lord and master and have everything his own way. Or you can decide that that's not the life you want for yourself, or the life you want to model for your dcs.
PlainSpeaking, if someone shouted and threw books at me, say, once a year, I think that is too much and would leave them. Possibly that makes me a precious little flower in your eyes, but actually I don't take pride in the amount of ill-treatment I'm able to suck up.
Reading between the lines OP, seems like you are saying that your life is a whole lot easier and less stressful when he isn't there.
Sounds like he has no clue what your life involves.
OP stop using the word ‘condescending’ about yourself, please! You’ve somehow been fooled into thinking that because you expect your husband to pull his weight, that it’s somehow YOUR problem and your behaviour that needs to change. Not being fed by 8pm and I’m assuming nothing on the go either, my children would be howling! There’s no excuse for throwing a book at you either. He’s being an absolute pig and clearly wants you to revert to doing everything - which is disgustingly selfish. The fact that you are contemplating doing it all yourself for an easy life speaks volumes about your relationship.
So, reading back, two incidents in two weeks? hardly every night is it? Meal planning is a ballache. Normal people just go to the fridge and say 'what do you fancy'. And you have a 10 year old - who apparently is equally incapable of going to the fridge and sorting himself out.
WFH - so what did he do correct ? nothing at all? was the washing all put through? the dishwasher stacked? the hoover slung round?
"Oh and DS is 10, so slightly less concerning than if he were 3"
It really isn't. Why do you think that?
He's learning about relationships. How you treat your Partner and the boundaries that you set. He's still being emotionally harmed by what he's seeing. You are both the blueprint for his future partnerships.
I think meal planning, shopping and cooking should be a joint effort as that's a mammoth job for one person to have to do alone. Maybe not quite so much when just a couple, but certainly for a family.
Personally I think that one doing the meal planning and one doing the cooking doesn't really work. It's better if those two jobs come as a package - otherwise the cook feels cross when the other person buys the wrong ingredient or similar.
Can you find another way to share the load more evenly? So he does both those but you do the laundry or something?
Whoever wfh in our house does a wash, nursery pick up and starts something for tea, as they are saving 1.5 hours getting ready and travelling time in their day
No excuses or explanations for that behaviour are acceptable. He,s a tosser, end of.
He should be fully capable of picking out a meal and not going batshit at you or throwing things.
I'll be very honest op. If I was getting screamed at and things thrown I wouldn't still be there. I won't put up with that kind of home life. Home should be a sanctuary and a happy place, and it certainly should be for your ds.
No do not do everything...
Have a conversation and explain he needs to contribute and do so in a calm adult fashion
No don’t go back to doing everything.
Ask him why he got so aggressive and that you will not put up with that shit. It was not acceptable that his child had not been fed and that you had to come home from a days work to that nonsense.
Tell him to think of something that’s easier to cook if half an hour is too much.
No you don’t go back to doing everything.
Think of easier meals to make.
Pesto broccoli pasta
Jacket potatoes with fillings
Rotisserie chicken with salad
You really need a cleaner for a big clean and then the two of you can split day to day chores.
Oh and DS is 10, so slightly less concerning than if he were 3. If DS was still very little I would have gone batshit.
I am still slightly concerned that I may be coming off as condescending, not my intention, but still....
Sorry, I wrote this then fell asleep!
Currently I still do the the foodplan and shop. Therefore I had agreed I pick something for DH to make. Small steps, I was thinking. I do realise this sounds condescending, which is why I this week he picked the (two) recipes whilst I wrote the foodplan.
I do know I need to call out his behaviour. My AIBU was (probably not that clear) AIBU to just go back to do everything? Which is why I said I know I'm being U about that bit at least.
He hasn't woken up yet, and I haven't spoken to him since the incident last night. Any advice please?
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