Nephew with a foul mouth

[Thisismynewname123]

DH family are overseas, so we see them a couple of times a year when we stay at each other's houses for a couple of weeks at a time. My 2 dds are no angels, but they are generally suitably shocked and uncomfortable at hearing bad words. DH are I are not swearers in general, so they don't hear bad language at home (obviously they do at school, but not at home).
The nephew has been getting progressively worse with his language last few times we've seen them. SIL commented when we spoke recently that he's now got significantly worse due to the language of his friends. They don't like it - they also don't swear at home so I don't blame them for his language. But they are coming to stay shortly and I know how bad it's been in the past when he's done it to be shocking. If she felt the need to say that he's worse now, I'm dreading it a bit. He's 9. Any ideas of how I can take some control of this while they're staying at our house? It's not my place to parent him - and SIL & BIL don't like it either so they're doing what they can, which is difficult when he does it for the reaction a lot of the time. Do I just ignore it and tell dds to ignore it? Or say something to him about language that is unacceptable in our house? Or am I over-reacting and it's no different to playground language and I should get over myself!?

[Bookworm4]

I think 9 is rather young to be swearing constantly, his parents should be disciplining him not excusing it as playground banter. My teenagers don't swear in front of me, for they do it with their friends that's their choice. I would ask your Sil to tell him it's not acceptable in your home and tell the boy that on arrival.

[LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD]

He is 9 - and swearing merrily away. The parents know this yet and don’t seem to be able to control it.

This is what is do. I would first warn your kids - ‘you may hear bad words from him, but you know better than to repeat them’

Speak to the parents - tell them exactly that - you don’t want foul language in your house and around your children. They are guests so really should understand.

You aren’t having a go and it’s like asking someone not to smoke in your home!

Ask them to explain this to little timmy and tell the parents that if he does swear you will tell him directly that in your home people don’t use bad language and that applies to guests. Anyone who breaks this rule (insert punishment of choice)/ anyone who follows this rule gets (ice cream, whatever).

Be firm with them - ok kids hear swears but you don’t want them to hear if from another child who gets away with it and has no punishment. You don’t want it to be normalised in your home.

[ILoveBray]

I think in your position, I would make it clear that if he can't control his mouth, they can't stay. They should be able to manage this, and at 9 years old he's old enough to understand consequences. So if he swears he goes home.

[misskatamari]

I wouldn't have any qualms about telling him what is and isn't acceptable language in your house. It would be the same if an adult came in swearing. It's disrespectful and he's old enough to know that and stop it. If he's doing it for reaction, i would try to handle it without making a big deal of it, but would make him understand that it wouldn't be tolerated as okay whilst staying with you.

[Limensoda]

My son is 40 and has sworn in front of me, maybe twice
Your nephews parents need to deal with this.

[ShartGoblin]

My 2 dds are no angels, but they are generally suitably shocked and uncomfortable at hearing bad words

Definitely worth teaching your kids not to act shocked and uncomfortable. They are just words and, if he's using them to get attention, teach them not to give him any. That will take the fun out of it for him.

While he is in your house I would say you definitely have the right to tell him off about it, if SIL & BIL don't like it then they may be grateful to you for helping. I know I would be if I was struggling to control this. If you have already spoken about it and they are upset then I don't think you would be overstepping at all.

[FooFighter99]

Wash his fucking mouth out with soapy water!

But seriously, he's 9; he should be able to understand that swearing is not approriate and he needs to mind his manners when in other peoples homes and not swear in front of anyone.

I would be mortified if DD was swearing at 9 (she's 7) as although I swear A LOT, I never do so in front of her, or my mum, or anyone else who i know would be upset/offended by it.

His parents really need to step up and discipline him

[allinmyhead12]

your house your rules, when he does it the first time sit him down look him in the eye and tell him its not acceptable in your house. I have step children and they know that the rules are different in my house than their mum's.

[Damntheman]

Definitely worth teaching your kids not to act shocked and uncomfortable. They are just words and, if he's using them to get attention, teach them not to give him any. That will take the fun out of it for him.

I agree with this. Kids when they swear usually do it to shock and offend. If they don't get that reaction out of anyone then where is the fun? From a position of not knowing at all, I would guess that his parents are trying to come down hard on him for it? Then he gets attention for it and doesn't stop. Just ignore the swearing, teach your own children to not repeat the words or react to them. He'll likely get over it when it isn't fun anymore :) I hope! Good luck.

[Thisismynewname123]

Thanks for the comments. It's happened for the last couple of years every time he's come to stay. I know that at the moment they're trying to ignore it at home to see if that helps with stopping it. I don't think they would mind me telling him it's unacceptable in our house. Knowing him, I don't think he'll particularly care what I think!

*ShartGoblin - I will do that. I'm going to tell them to ignore him (and also not come running to me to tell tales every time, which is what usually happens). I think the last few times we've seen him it's come as a bit of shock to hear some of the things he so casually comes out with. I think we're more prepared this time, especially as SIL has brought it up before they've arrived.

He'll ignore me if I say they can no longer stay with us if he carries on! He knows that won't happen because we live in different countries so would just never see them if I said that, and he knows that won't happen! So there's not point making idle threats. I've told him previously that language is unacceptable in our house and I've been ignored before so I'm sure I will be again. This is why I'm not sure how to approach it this time.

*LordProfFekko - I think maybe we need to think of a reward, like you suggest, instead. i know the threats won't do anything, so maybe he needs an incentive instead.

[Damntheman]

... please don't put soap in his mouth.

[CardsforKittens]

My daughters swear but not in front of adults: they recognise that intergenerational profanity is unacceptable. My son swears a lot, has ASD, and doesn’t care much about who else is around (although he has learned not to swear in front of Granny or small children). If someone else said to him, “Please don’t use swear words in front of my kids,” I’d think that was fair enough - but frankly I’d say it first. It probably wouldn’t stop him though.

If your nephew is neutotypical and his parents ignore his swearing, I think you’re reasonable to speak to him about it. But initially you might wait and see if they speak to him when he does it.

[anniehm]

Take the approach I did - I simply state that language is not acceptable. If his parents took the same approach it will stop, he's 9!

[GrumpyInsomniac]

Our son had a slightly bohemian first ten years, so had to learn the difference between what was acceptable for adults to say and what he could say quite early: he was going to hear it, whether I liked it or not.

As a result he is quite capable of not swearing in the house, even though now he's at secondary I'm sure he does some small amount of swearing at school with friends - although notably I don't hear him swearing when he's online with them on the Xbox, so maybe not.

Your nephew is old enough to know what language is appropriate so it's more the question of why he still feels the need to swear in front of family. But this is a parenting issue. All you can do is make sure that the rules of your house are followed, and try to give him ways to succeed and be praised for something rather than only being noticed for swearing.

[HoustonBess]

Speak to his parents about your concerns (diplomatically) and see if they want to be part of a plan that would apply to all kids - say making them do chores if found swearing or losing out on treats or something.

If they're not up for that, I'd resort to a little bribery with your two - tell them he sometimes swears but you expect them not to and if they get through his stay without them swearing then you'll take them for a day out after they've gone.

[steppemum]

my ds swore like this, well tried to.

We sat him down and explained why we didn't like it. It made no difference.

We sat him down and exlained that we were teaching him to function in a world where you aren't allowed to swear at work, and have to be able to express yourself without swearing (whether you are on the checkout at tescos or a high court lawyer, you need to be able to talk aithout swearing) He sort of got it, but didn't change.

We sat him down and talked to him about the difference between playground language and non playground language, and how you need to learn the right language for the right place. He was surprised, and understood, but kept swearing.

So we sat him down and said - we don;t liek it, and we don't wnat to hear it. Every time you swear you will be sent to your room for 10 minutes, so that we don't have to listen to it.
Within one day he stopped.

[Thisismynewname123]

CardsforKittens - he certainly has some undiagnosed issues. Imo, ASD (my dd has ASD, they are very similar). Parents are very slowly coming to terms with accepting he may there may be something more to his general behaviour. However, this isn't an excuse for bad behaviour and lack of respect. My dd with ASD still knows there are boundaries to what is acceptable.

[PerfumeandOranges]

It may be that he has got trapped in a cycle and doesn't know how to stop.

Does he have any additional needs or could it even be Tourettes?

[Tinkobell]

Swear Box .....£1 a swear, tell him to bring all his birthday money with him in small change. That, or don't come please!

[PerfumeandOranges]

Cross post but as he does have ASD please, please tread gently. It really isn't his fault.

[PerfumeandOranges]

NO. Please don't fine him. He has special needs. Talk to him gently.

[Stayawayfromitsmouth]

Perhaps think of some calm but withering put downs for your daughters to respond with or coach on how to ignore.

[ChampooPapi]

@FooFighter99 lol to wash his f*cking mouth out, I'm still chuckling at that writing this.

But seriously do agree with the rest of Foo's post, the parents needs to step up even if they do swear more then they let on, I know I certainly do, but he is 9! He shouldn't be swearing ever

[Tinkobell]

Well....you could say the swear box is obviously for anyone who slips an expletive.

[Boredisboring]

Is your nephew living in a country where English is not the first language? We live in a very international community and I was shocked to hear my childrens' otherwise polite friends' casual swearing. I realised that the words had no impact on them or their parents, because it was not their first language. To them bloody is the same as very, Jesus Christ is Oh my goodness, fuck is a handy filler word.

I had to take DCs aside to explain that these words had a very different meaning to native speakers and were not acceptable.