To not be able to forgive MiL after her comments after miscarriage?

[pregmedic]

We had an early miscarriage 4 months ago, we’d told a lot of people beforehand as if was my first pregnancy and had no reason to expect anything to go wrong.

My issue is around my partner’s mum. Her reaction to finding out I was pregnant was dreadful-her first words were ‘oh no’ and then started ranting about how would I finish my course blah blah. Anyway I miscarried about a week after we told her and she didn’t really react apart from saying she hoped I was okay, a bit unemotional but fine I guess.

My problem is that very shortly after this my partner and her argued because she didn’t want to watch her other grandkids on a visit planned (his sister’s kids). This was fine and my partner said he was going to watch them so she was free to travel home that day. She took great offence to this though for some reason (despite moaning about how looking after them for a couple of hours was an inconvenience to her travel plans and he was providing a solution).

Her response to this was to venomously say ‘Well if you have any kids I don’t want to have anything to do with looking after them’. This argument luckily didn’t happen in front of me as it was less than a week after and I was extremely fragile. Now I’m just angry.

She also visited in the weeks following the miscarriage, she never even asked once if I was okay or showed any sort of consideration or comfort. I was going to work, barely surviving the day emotionally and then as soon as i was home just wanted to relax and zone out. She would constantly talk to me about random stuff like Brexit and antiques and then snap at me if I didn’t seem interested and make me feel bad when I was already emotionally spent. Also when I was looking after nieces and nephews she’d be constantly speaking to me and then sigh heavily and literally tap me and if she felt I wasn’t given her enough attention because I was attending to young children.

I am pregnant again and all looking good and reaching the end of the first trimester. My partner has only just told his mum, I wasn’t even really ready for him too but we agreed, and showed her a scan and she said congratulations and sent me her love through him.

I just still feel bitter about it even though she’s now being nice. AIBU ? Should I just bury the hatchet? Or am I reasonable to feel like this?

Thanks

[pregmedic]

Note: Sorry i should have said I don’t expect anyone apart from us to care for our child, it was the timing and attempt to incite emotion in my partner who was upset about losing our baby that I take issue with.

[janetforpresident]

She doesn't sound very nice and doesn't sound like she gets much joy from her grandchildren but I don't think her reaction to your pregnancy should be taken too personally. She was thinking about you finishing a course and though her comments were I'll advised they weren't cruel.

She obviously isn't going to be an amazing doting granny but I don't think she means to be so cruel she is just thoughtless.

[NWQM]

Firstly sorry for your loss. Lovely to hear that you are now pregnant again.

Your MiL reactions have been disappointing but do they fit into a wider pattern? I found lots of people struggled with what to say about our miscarriages. My husband would point out for instance that only one person - a virtual stranger to him - even asked him how he was & actually not many asked me. We had to give them the benefit of tre date or have no family or friends left.

If she is genuinely rude etc then it’s different but if not she may be struggling with the seemingly social norms of not talking about miscarriage & yet worried about you both. Doesn’t make it right that you’ve hurt but perhaps does make it forgiveable?

[Lucindille]

So she sounds a bit rubbish at dealing with emotions and prefers a stiff-upper lip approach & talking about other stuff. Some people are just terrible at talking about difficult, personal things openly - she may have been worried about saying the wrong thing.

The other situation, I don't fully understand to be honest, and it doesn't even sound like these comments were made to your face. She was just expressing that she didn't want to be used as free childcare - and that's her prerogative.

In all honesty, there are far worse MILs out there. I think you need to move on - she doesn't sound that bad.

[pregmedic]

@janetforpresident
I think you’ve got a good point there, thoughtless is a good description

[Namechangeforthiscancershit]

Well at least she won’t give you high grandmother expectations and then disappoint you. You know exactly how little use she will be.

I think she failed to be understanding at a terrible time, rather than actively having been unpleasant, so I think you just have to accept that’s who she is.

[PotteringAlong]

Honestly? You’re looking for offence here when I don’t think there’s any to take.

She was talking to you about random things. Maybe she thought she was distracting you, carrying on with everyday life? Different people approach emotional things in different ways. I’m a bit like your MiL, I wouldn’t have mentioned it to you either.

[pregmedic]

@nwqm there is a lot of taboo about discussing miscarriage so there’s maybe an element of that

@luncimdille can totally understand and appreciate that she wouldn’t want to be used as childcare. She said it in a way and at a time though that felt like she said it to be purposefully hurtful if that makes sense?

[Exhsuatedmuch]

I feel you totally. We lost a baby and my own mother was non pluses. My PIL were however something that stuck as I was used to my mother being a soulless bitch. My fil got up when I cried and left the room without saying a thing and with me mid sentence and went home the day after it happened. My mil came over a few days later and insisted I go to my husbands work do as he really needed it and had been through a bad time of things and I should go. Bear in mind I was still bleeding etc. Stupidly I went. A few weeks later I found out I was pregnant again which left me completely floor. Mil response was "make sure you look after this one".
I did not have anything to do with her for a very long time so I understand how you feel.
You will forgive but not forget.
Maybe people struggle to know what to say, maybe they should just say very little. Good luck with baby and sorry for your loss, it's hard isn't it xxxx

[pregmedic]

@namechange true😂

@pottering I definitely think you’re right, conflict of how we deal with emotions is true here

[pregmedic]

@Exhsuatedmuch I’m really sorry you had to go through that ☹️ It’s unbelievably tough not feeling understood and going through the physical and emotional torture of loss. Some struggle to
find the words but we should all try to be gentle with each other. Thank you and good luck to you too 😘 xx

[PotteringAlong]

I have the conflict of emotions thing the other way about in my family. My MiL is a counsellor and is constantly wanting me to divulge my soul. I want her to leave me alone. It’s a hard middle ground to find if you’re very different

[chillpizza]

Mc is a personal thing. I’ve had a couple and honestly I wouldn’t know what to say if someone told me they where having one. Frankly it’s none of my business to know what’s going in or out of their vagina.

[pregmedic]

@potteringalong Thanks for sharing it from the other side-I’ll try and be more understanding of how she might struggle with the way I handle emotions

@chillpizza It’s a personal thing you’re right, but I felt we had to tell her as she knew about the pregnancy

[Whisky2014]

My mums reaction was "please, no, you're not are you?"
She was shocked. I don't know what she was expecting since I am married, have a house, good job etc. I felt a little sad at that but actually not long after she started getting excited about what she could buy for the baby.

Anyhow, I think your MIL is a bit thoughtless and maybe a tad selfish too? But since she sent her love to you again through your husband I dont think you should carry on a grudge. Just try to move on
Congrats on your pregnancy:)

[Popc0rn]

Do you live with her? Bit confused about the wanting to relax and zone out at home bit?

[ILoveHumanity]

This brings out a lot of emotion in me, as the way my mil handled my miscarriage has forever ultered the love and respect I once had for her, and now see her as a selfish person not worthy of my compassion

[SaucyJack]

She’s not the person you want her to be, and she won’t be the grandparent you’d like her to be- but as long as she’s polite about it then I don’t really see the point in getting angry with her.

What was she like? Sounds as though she doesn’t really enjoy the company of small children, and she’s disappointed you’re making what she perceives as a mistake.

[caringcarer]

Some of you have mean and miserable MIl. When I miscarried my future Mil ranf me to tell me how sorry she was, and sent me a huge boquet of flowers. She also ordered future dh to make me stay in bed for a couple of days and to take it easy. OP your Mil sounds like a soulless bitch. Congratulations on pregnancy, make sure you rest enough and let your partner spoil you. I would be loath to let her have too much to do when your new baby is born. I am not that forgiving.

[SaucyJack]

*what was she like with her own kids?

[ShowMeTheKittens]

I just wondered how your husband interprets this? It is always a sticking point in relationships this sort of thing if the partner does not see what you see...
I find my partner's family utterly selfish. I think he is coming round a bit to seeing the point. Also I feel they are unkind to him quite often.
Oh well.
I hope things will sort out for you, love and I am sure all will be well .
I expect you are very excited, don't let anything spoil it!

[FriarTuck]

She probably didn't want to mention it too much given that she'd not shown any enthusiasm about the pregnancy itself - it would be a bit two-faced and she no doubt knew that. Throw in a bit of not knowing what to say and you have reaction. She's trying harder this time - give her the benefit of the doubt unless proven otherwise.

[downcasteyes]

I think her reaction to your miscarriage sounds like it's of a piece with a load of poor behaviour, relly.

She sounds like she's not very in touch with her feelings and unsure of her role as a grandmother. The sulk over your sister-in-law's children is very telling: she didn't want to be asked to look after them, but also didn't want to be dispensible either. People like this are really hard to deal with, because you can't do right for doing wrong.

I have a MIL who insists on pulling attention towards herself in similar ways to yours, and it is incredibly annoying. Next time she sighs and taps you, turn around and set a boundary. "Is it important, because I have my hands really full right now" might do it.

I would put some distance between yourself and this woman, and basically don't ask her for anything in the way of childcare or support.

[NabooThatsWho]

I’ve had a couple and honestly I wouldn’t know what to say if someone told me they where having one. Frankly it’s none of my business to know what’s going in or out of their vagina.

Really? What a strange way to think.
All you have to say is that you hope they are ok.

[crosspelican]

People have very varied feelings about miscarriages, and several weeks after a very early miscarriage, she might have quite reasonably felt it was okay to talk about normal things and not dwell on your loss.

To be honest, after my own early miscarriage, I would have been annoyed by people fussing over me and asking was I okay weeks after the fact. Everyone is different and she clearly didn't know that you were still struggling with it.

Childcare stuff - she was in a snit, and doesn't have an obligation to look after her grandchildren if she doesn't want to. At least you know what to expect, but you appear to only see her every few weeks anyway, so it doesn't really matter either way.

Her comment when you told her you were pregnant the first time wasn't very nice, but at least she sets a high value on your education and wants you to be successful, rather than expecting you to stay at home and cook and clean for her son.

She doesn't sound hugely nice to you, but apart from her tactlessness when you announced your first pregnancy, I don't think she has been appalling.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!