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AIBU?

To not let my 4yo join in with class treat because he was violent?

45 replies

Ribbonsonabox · 13/02/2019 16:00

I've never had to deal with this before because up until now hes been the sweetest gentlest boy you could imagine! So I'm not sure if I'm overreacting or not here.
When I picked him up from school I was told he had received a punishment for trying to strangle another boy... the teacher seemed quite shocked by it as apparently it left a mark and the other boy was in tears and very frightened.
I'm really appalled and was furious.
We usually go for a coffee and cake after school together on a weds but instead we went straight home and he was sent to his room.
He was crying and saying sorry a lot.
It's his class treat tomorrow and they get to bring in a toy. Would I be unreasonable to not let him join in or is this overkill?
Hes fallen asleep in his room now which indicates the problem mightve been tiredness. I have a 7month old who's been waking in the night recently.

I'm really shocked by this as I dont even know how he wouldve thought to do that!!

Am i overreacting? What do you think i should be doing about it?

OP posts:

Report

Skittlesss · 13/02/2019 16:03

He’s had his punishment. Don’t extend it to tomorrow.

SnowyAlpsandPeaks · 13/02/2019 16:04

He’s four. He’s had his punishment today- being told off in school, told off by you, and no after school treat. Don’t drag it over into tomorrow. Just talk about it tonight, how unkind it was and extremely dangerous. Then a reminder in the morning of what you spoke about, but let him take his toy. Don’t punish him again.

For what it’s worth my cousin years ago done this in school, turns out he was copying a cartoon he watched.

Knowivedonewrong · 13/02/2019 16:04

If the school have dealt with it and you didn't take him for cake, and sent him to his room, then I believe that is punishment enough.
Have a talk to him about his behaviour in school, but I wouldn't punish at home too as long as school have dealt with it.

Jeezoh · 13/02/2019 16:05

Presumably the school punished him in some way too? I’d let him have a fresh start tomorrow.

TeenTimesTwo · 13/02/2019 16:05

Would be overreacting.

YogaWannabe · 13/02/2019 16:05

No I wouldn’t extend it either, I don’t think.

That’s unsettling OP would he have seen it somewhere?

Epiphany52 · 13/02/2019 16:06

He’s been punished. It’s shocking but I would be more interested as to why he has done something so out of character.
If you get a quiet moment together or are sat in the car ask him what happened and if he knows why he did it.
He’s 4 he might not know but as it’s so out of character I’d be asking a few questions

Canshopwillshop · 13/02/2019 16:06

The teacher has already punished him and so have you, no need to keep it going.

Purpleartichoke · 13/02/2019 16:07

He is 4. Punishment should be immediate and brief.

Set him up to succeed tomorrow. That means a return to normal things like treats, but a reminder to use words or remove himself from frustrating situations.

Quartz2208 · 13/02/2019 16:07

yes you would - that is not up to you to decide that he misses a school based treat.

He has been punished at home and at school that is sufficient

DoneLikeAKipper · 13/02/2019 16:08

Would I be unreasonable to not let him join in or is this overkill?

Definitely overkill. He’s very young, punishments should be immediate and to the point. When he wakes, you need a calm but firm discussion about why it’s not ok to hurt our friends, and how you expect him to say sorry to X tomorrow. If the school are happy for him to still be part of the ‘bring in a toy’ event, don’t ban him yourself.

Does he often have broken sleep? It’s difficult with a young child and a baby, but he needs a good rest. Ask if there’s anything bothering him - I assume he’s only just started school, and with a baby sibling things may have been building up, but being so young he cannot articulate himself. Ultimately, it must have been horrible for all involved, but hopefully this is a one off and you can all move on.

IncrediblySadToo · 13/02/2019 16:08

Yes you’re over reacting.

Missing out on cake after school is enough. Tomorrow is a new day.

However, at some point (I’d say after school tomorrow if he sleeps through tonight) you need to find out why he did it. I’d be FAR more worried about that. Lovely little boys don’t suddenly start attempting to strangle other kids. Perhaps this kid has been picking on him or whacked him or something. Teach him there are other options (like telling the teacher) but don’t make him feel bad IF this other kid has been picking on him or hitting him etc.

Is there any way of putting a bit more distance or closing some doors between DS & the baby at night?

I’d make half term a fairly quiet one too, lots of cuddles and reading books etc, not loads of activities.

He’s only little and it’s felt like a long half term.

LordVoldetort · 13/02/2019 16:10

Like others have said, do not extend it into tomorrow. Kids this age (imo) are too young for delayed/prolonged punishments. I think today’s multiples punishments will be enough.
I would speak to him about it tomorrow and then again in a couple of days to reiterate that hurting people is unacceptable.
Have you spoken to him about why it happened? It could be that he retaliated to something the other child did (obviously not saying it was this and even if it was it’s still not right but I think he also needs to speak about why it happened)

greybluegeometry · 13/02/2019 16:11

Don't punish him anymore.

I might try to gently ask him about what happened, how he may have felt very angry to have done that... to try to find out why he did it and have a conversation about how better to handle things.

Ribbonsonabox · 13/02/2019 16:13

I did try and have a chat with him about it but he just said he did it because he didnt like the other boy! It's difficult to talk to him about things because hes only just turned 4 and often confuses imagination with real life so you cant be sure what hes recounting is actually what happened...

It could be something hes seen... he recently watched some greek myth film with my husband that there was a bit of fighting in some people with swords, but it was a childrens film, there was nothing as graphic as strangling in it!
Other than that hes only ever seen Disney films and cbeebies!

OP posts:

catkind · 13/02/2019 16:13

In the first place you need to talk to him to find out what was going on and how it came to happen. I would have done that before any sending to rooms to be fair. You'll probably find out they were playing pirates or play wrestling or trying to do gymnastics wrong or something and it'll all sound less scary and more like a 4 year old making a mistake. I say that as someone whose 4 yr old was on the wrong end of a similar incident, they're very young children and sometimes they do stupid things and need telling off so they won't do it again.

I don't think you should pull him out of anything else if school are happy the incident has been dealt with. He's clearly had the shock he needed. Most important thing I think now is for you to understand how it came to happen so you can make doubly sure he has understood what to do and not to do next time. And just to rule out that someone was hurting him first and it was self defence. An upset 4 yr old can't always muster the words to explain things in the moment.

Ribbonsonabox · 13/02/2019 16:16

Thanks for the advice I'm going to let him take the toy in tomorrow, you are all right... if the school are allowing him to then it's not for me to interfere with.

OP posts:

catkind · 13/02/2019 16:20

X post. "Because he didn't like him" is a bit alarming. Could you dig further using more practical terms - what were they doing at the time? Were they playing together? Why doesn't he like the child? And does he understand now that it was a horrible thing to do? Can he empathise - how would you feel if someone did that to you kind of thing?

edwinbear · 13/02/2019 16:24

Definitely let him take his toy in. He's been punished enough and whilst his behaviour is not acceptable he may well be quite upset and confused as to why he reacted like he did. It sounds like he knows what he did was very wrong and would benefit from a chat once things have calmed down.

BlueSlipperSocks · 13/02/2019 16:25

He s had his punishment for his "crime". Tomorrow's a new day. I agree with pp. Try to find out why he doesn't like the other boy. For all you know ds may have been retaliating because the other boy physically hurt him first. There's two sides to every story.

cestlavielife · 13/02/2019 16:25

He hasalready been punished .
On the weekend find some.time to sit and play with toys and act out what happened...he can explain why he did it and you can explain why you should not .
He is four and he is learnng and maybe copying someone real.or on screens.
Teach.
don't prolong the punishment.

llangennith · 13/02/2019 16:25

You've spoken with him about it so now let it be. He's told you he did it because he "didn't like him" because he doesn't have the emotional maturity and vocabulary to express why he did it.
Fresh start now.

Ribbonsonabox · 13/02/2019 16:25

He started talking about another childs birthday party when I asked him what had happened... so I asked 'did you hurt boy x because you were angry he said you couldn't go tosomeones party?' And he said no. So I asked why he had hurt boy , was he angry about something else? And he said no, he doesn't like boy x....
So it was confusing. He generally finds it difficult to recount events. I cant really get the situation from what hes said... might have been something to do with a birthday party or not... as far as in aware hes not been invited to any school friends party recently... he has been invited to a non school friends party the other day... so he could be mixing all that up in his head!! I really cant tell what's gone on tbh.

OP posts:

blackteasplease · 13/02/2019 16:27

I agree with what everyone else has said which I see is what you will do. He has been punished and is only 4.

anniehm · 13/02/2019 16:29

He's had a suitable punishment for now, do send a message to the teacher though asking them to report to you If there's any more worrisome behaviour and also if they could let you know if they work out a specific cause/trigger. Schools expect behaviour to get out of hand at that age occasionally, it's all about how you deal with it

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