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Being made to feel like an awful friend for not going to hen party abroad?

(79 Posts)
UhAreWeThereYet Mon 21-Jan-19 15:52:44

(long story short) One of my oldest friends is getting married and is having her hen party abroad. I've said I can't go to 1)seriously can't afford £370 plus spending money 2)its school term time so would have to pay for breakfast club (dd already dies afterschool due to me and DH working).
Was told it was optional to come as she's having a (very posh) 'hen shower' (I'm clueless) in a (very expensive) restaurant 3 weeks before the wedding. I told her I couldn't afford to go but will come to the 'hen shower'. All seemed fine but I've had comments made when we've met up and her fiance actually say 'only her real friends are the ones going away'.ve also noticed I've not been invited to alot of other meet ups since. So really isn't optional is it? At this point Im feeling really uncomfortable and don't want to go to the wedding.

Aeroflotgirl Mon 21-Jan-19 16:20:40

Wow I am sorry your friend is being an entitled Madame and you found out who she really is. My goodness she sounds really upherself, I would not go to any and the wedding and that would be it. What does she expect to do, take money from the bills and the kids mouths, seriously! I wod be distancing myself at best!

Aeroflotgirl Mon 21-Jan-19 16:23:20

Bluntness read the op properly, and how she is treating op because op cannot afford to go.

Confusedbeetle Mon 21-Jan-19 16:25:05

When will this madness just stop? It is ridiculous. Who thought of these stupid hen dos, ? Just ban them

10PollyPockets Mon 21-Jan-19 16:25:37

Wow! Weddings seem to have become huge ridiculous year long celebrations. She's selfish to expect people to go to two hen dos and even more selfish to expect people have have over £500 spare for a hen weekend. Hen weekends are a pet peeve for me but I think they are only ok if people want to go and can afford it. She shouldn't be freezing you out because you can't afford it.

Bluntness100 Mon 21-Jan-19 16:27:24

Gosh, I really don't understand why this woman has to have a hen that suits the ops purse. I'd assume she's not been invited to other meet ups because she is aware of the ops financial situation, and if she did invite her, thr op would be on here whinging about that.

Fuck knows why the fiance said what he said, but I think blaming the friend and dipping out of the wedding because of it is a bit much.

Dimsumlosesum Mon 21-Jan-19 16:27:24

That's not a friend. Or a nice person.

feelingverylazytoday Mon 21-Jan-19 16:28:00

Bluntness she's been a terrible (maybe a slight exaggeration there) friend because she and her fiance are making snidey little digs about her, which is making the OP feel as if she doesn't want to attend the wedding either. Would you want to go to a wedding if the couple were being bitchy about you? I wouldn't. I think I'd save my cash and stay at home with people who are nice to me.

Bluntness100 Mon 21-Jan-19 16:30:10

No of course not, but other than one comment what the fiancé said, the op has given no examples of anything her friend has said.

lunicorn Mon 21-Jan-19 16:30:20

Has she been like this with you at other times?

Bubba1234 Mon 21-Jan-19 16:30:38

Iv had the same experience.
The bride had 3 hen parties. One abroad one at a local restaurant and another one which was 2 days down the country in a hotel and activities.
I went to the restaurant one but I couldn’t stay after the meal as the bride said after the food to split the bill after we ate so I was left with nothing in my purse ( or for food for the week).
It was an uncomfortable atmosphere as I wasn’t liked by a lot of people there.
I was black marked because I didn’t go to the other 2 hens and her side of the family ingnored me at the wedding and gave me dirty looks and walked away when I tried to speak ( making friendly conversation)
She’s still giving out about her guests years later.
Weddings turn people into horrible people op you are not a bad friend.

Openandshut Mon 21-Jan-19 16:30:49

Its fine to have a hen party abroad if that's what you wish. What isn't fine is expecting that all of your friends will or can join you, and what's even more unreasonable is making rude comments because they aren't willing or able to spend hundreds of pounds to accommodate your desires.

InSightMars Mon 21-Jan-19 16:31:12

You are not the bad friend - she is. If my value to my friends is based on how much money I am prepared to spend and how many hoops I am prepared to jump through to validate their expensive wedding plans then, not only wouldn't I be going to the hen trip or the shower, I wouldn't be going to the wedding either.

Brides, spend as much as you like on your wedding and all the prep leading up to it and I hope you have a truly magical experience followed by a lifetime of happiness but your 'right' to have everything the way you want stops right at the point where other people are having to fork out in ways that means real life cutbacks in other areas. Ive heard of people giving up annual holidays for their entire family becuase they've felt obliged to spend so much on the events surrounding a friend's wedding. That's not ok. It's not up to your friends and family to realise your visions of expensive overseas trips for hen parties and expensive showers and expensive bridesmaids dresses you expect them to pay for and time off work to attend midweek ceremonies and expensive accommodation because youve chosen a venue in the middle of nowhere and booked a block of rooms and your room comes free if you fill the others. NO ONE owes you any of that.

feelingverylazytoday Mon 21-Jan-19 16:31:23

Well she said 'comments' . Do we need to know what they were exactly?

Bluntness100 Mon 21-Jan-19 16:32:50

What's she personally said op? Everyone is using the fact she's being horrid to uou as the reason she's in the wrong. Can you give examples of what she's been saying?

IdleBetty Mon 21-Jan-19 16:34:37

A true friend would be mortified that you are feeling this way.
Her fiance has got too much to say in my opinion.

Angelicwings Mon 21-Jan-19 16:36:56

Bluntness100 Mon 21-Jan-19 16:20:12 "I really don't see why she's a terrible friend by having a hen party that she wishes and not one to please thr op ? hmm She clearly has other friends who are happy to go. I don't understand either op why uou now don't want to go to her wedding either it's not all about uou."

But Bluntness, the problem seems to be that the BF has taken umbrage to OP not coming on her dream hen do. If BF said "Sure fine, I understand why you can't come on the abroad do, we'll have fun on the hen shower (which OP is going to) then I don't think OP would be posting here?

RomanyRoots Mon 21-Jan-19 16:37:24

Good friends don't act like this.
She also can't make you feel anything, only you can do that.
I bet if you look back your oldest friend has not been a true friend.
Just tell her you are sorry but you can't be a part of proceedings as it's really expensive and you can't afford that type of money.
I wouldn't be going to the wedding tbh, her fiance sounds like a twat too, to say that about her friends.

nothinglikeadame Mon 21-Jan-19 16:41:09

Hen do's seem to be a great way for people to show their true colours, and for brides to show how little they care for their friends.

OP, you are in charge of your feelings..if you cannot have a straight , frank conversation with this woman about why you can't go, and how they are making you feel.then I think it's time to cut her loose and not go to the expense of the wedding either.

Hold your head high and let them get on with their entitled lives.

Drum2018 Mon 21-Jan-19 16:43:31

Ignore his petty comments - seriously what a pathetic guy she is marrying. I'd give the hen shower a miss too if it's going to be one of these new fangled excuses to get more gifts! You are much more mature so try to rise above their self centred bullshit.

When they do go on the hen, snooze all friends on Facebook/social media for the time around the hen, as otherwise your head will be melted with photos.

Aeroflotgirl Mon 21-Jan-19 16:45:24

I can't believe some people on here are agreeing with the friend. Yes have the hen you want, but you have to understand that not everyone will be able to afford it. Op friend sounds awful, making comments to her, snubbing her, and the comment her fiance made to her about only B2B real friends coming, this must have come from bride herself, or bride moaning about op to her fiance. Tbh that would not a make anyone want to go to the wedding after that. She sounds really nasty.

MidnightAura Mon 21-Jan-19 16:49:20

I know a bride that had two hen dos. A fancy weekend away and a hen night locally and I thought that was crazy!

For what it’s worth I wouldn’t go in your shoes. Your friend sounds awful.

ScreamingValenta Mon 21-Jan-19 16:51:46

"Hen shower" confused

Jamiefraserskilt Mon 21-Jan-19 16:52:20

If you have a Destination wedding and/or hen party then you have to accept not everyone invited will be able to go.
End of.
It isn't that you don't want to go but that logistically, it is not possible.
People that decide to hold that against you are not worth a bean.

Cocopops2010 Mon 21-Jan-19 17:00:10

She's got completely wrapped up in the wedding and isn't thinking of other people at all. I'm sorry - not a great friend. I'd keep your distance and then see if she comes back to you. Once she has children of her own she'll realise!
I had a similar situation - a friend of mine had three hen dos, one abroad (I went to two but not the abroad one). Also friend asked me to contribute £500 to the hen party as I was a bridesmaid (?!?). When I said no, got lots of comments at later meet ups about being poor etc. Friendship ruined, haven't spoken to her for ages. In retrospect, should have distanced myself sooner and maybe she'd have realised that her behaviour was bad.

UhAreWeThereYet Mon 21-Jan-19 17:04:57

I didn't even think of a gift! I've never heard of a hen shower prior to the invite.

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