Dreading boxing day plans

[Navynails]

Hi every one just hoping to get some advice really.

Want to five the whole background as I dont want to drip feed. I'm currently 34 weeks pregnant with dc2 already have a dd age 2.

On Christmas day dh and i will spend the day at home with dd just the 3 of us not a problem to anyone else we don't enjoy big gatherings our friends and family know this so they are fine with it (mil a bit miffed but got over it as it was actually dh who told her he didn't want to drag dd around on Christmas day)

On boxing day we have agreed to see my dad and mil so will go to my dad earlier in the day and to mils later on as she has plans for the beginning part of boxing day sounds all fine im sure you're all thinking. The thing is as much as I get on with mil we have a great time together and a good laugh we live local so regularly meet up and do things just the two of us talk on the phone most days and just have a good relationship all around when other people are around (her dm, bil and his wife, her do or any other friend or family member) mil turns into this really possessive dgm she will literally snatch dd up off the floor where she is playing and make her sit with her for over an hour a time won't let dd come near me and dh or anyone else unless it's dbil she will feed dd things she isn't allowed (dd has a medical problem which requires careful management of her diet) she will ignore every one who talks to her and engage only in baby talk with dd which makes it really awkward to anyone talking to her. If dd falls or hurts herself she wont allow me to comfort her but will instead grab dd and pretty much run in the other direction and on the rare occasion dd gets anywhere near me in particular will watch me like a hawk and act like she doesn't know what to do with herself until she gets dd back. Dd picks up on mils change in behaviour and plays up blind around there and I just find the whole thing really stressful I get anxious just thinking about it just wish she could behave like her normal self instead of trying to show off and not leaving dd alone for even a second. Dbil doesn't live locally and for some reason mil trys to make him think she has some mother/daughter like relationship with dd.

Other times I know I've handled it quite badly even cut a visit short before because it became too much but then I feel mean on dbil who doesn't get to see us very often.

This year I want to handle it better but I also don't want to sit there letting it all happen I want to assert myself In a way that isn't rude but I want to be firm enough to let her know that dh and i are the parents and she needs to back off from dd and stop putting on this riduclous show in front of others because she doesn't act like this usually she has on occasion gone a little ott with dd but on the whole she's usually okay.

I know she knows this behaviour is wrong because after whatever family get together when she has acted this way the next time she sees me alone she is always very sheepish and will almost bend over backwards to act the total opposite.

I'm not looking to bash mil just looking for advice as I say I do really get on with her 90% of the time but as soon as others are around there's a total shift and at that moment I really don't like her much at all.

We have had words before when she tried getting all "my grandchild" over dd.

What would you all do in this situation? It's honestly like a real personality change. I'm determined to not to spend another family gathering counting down the minutes until I feel we have been there long enough that we can leave because usually I can spend an entire day with mil and it's fab.

Thanks all.

[GreatDuckCookery6211]

I can see why you feel the way you do, very odd and controlling behaviour from MIL. If you don't feel like you can bring this up beforehand maybe DH can speak to his mum and explain that her behaviour upsets you both? Something definitely needs saying to her for sure.

You obviously don't want to bring it up on the day which I understand so a conversation needs to be had ASAP.

Would DH talk to her?

[7yo7yo]

I would get DH to have a word with her about her behaviour beforehand.
Something along the lines of
“Look mum I don’t know why but when (child) is there and BIL your behaviour changes. I don’t know why you do that but it makes us feel really uncomfortable, it makes (child) play up and makes us want to leave early. Can you just be normal? We love you as you are. You don’t need to impress anyone.
Perhaps say something about not feeding her inappropriate food also?

[MarthasGinYard]

It's a show put on for everyone else.

[Justmuddlingalong]

If you normally have a good relationship, highlight her weird behaviour as it's happening. Ask her why she's doing it. The feeding of inappropriate food, pull her up on it immediately, that's not on. If you and DH are in agreement, when it all gets a bit too much, leave. And get DH to explain why.

[Navynails]

Not too sure she's quite an emotional person so any direct conversation would likely lead to tears im also not totally sure dh is as bothered by mils behaviour as I am but then it's my position as a mother which I feel is being challenged on these occasions.

I just want to think of ways I can stop mil in her tracks when she acts like this a way that's assertive but not rude but enough to make her think twice and put her off such behaviours I just wish she would chill out and enjoy the day with all of us instead of focusing all the energy into putting on an act.

[Justmuddlingalong]

Is she emotional or manipulative?

[Navynails]

I always pull up on the food one same as I do with anyone as it makes dd really poorly and causes her a lot of pain.

[Navynails]

I would say she is genuinly emotional but once or twice may of used her tears to her advantage not always over dd but could be another issue.

[Mouikey]

As others have said, the least rude approach is to discuss with her in advance. She is an adult and you need a conversation. Why are her tears more important than your daughter being fed inappropriate food? Explain if she behaves in that way you will leave.

The other approach is to be assertive and make a comment every time she does something and state clearly that you will leave if it happens again. If it happens again invite BIL to yours on another occasion and say that MIL does not normally behave in this strange way. Be clear, be honest and be factual.

You say she knows because she over compensates on the following visit. If you don’t wish to do the above then plough on through and call her out on it after, but I bet she says that you’re being sensitive and she can’t remember being like you suggest. This is not the best option and will probably backfire.

There is no magic cure for this beyond you taking control and calling her out on it. Before or during, up to you!

[cleanhousewastedlife]

Do try and talk to her. Your dd is little, this could go on for years. Why not try to kindly sort this out now for all your sakes? Yes she might cry but she's also upsetting you and dd. It's not worth letting this damage an otherwise good relationship.

[GreatDuckCookery6211]

Emotional or not that's no excuse for DH not to talk to her OP. If he won't do then you could be ready on Boxing Day and when she starts go over and pick up your child and walk away and keep doing it. Sounds like she knows what she's doing so won't be surprised by your actions.

Could you speak to her yourself beforehand? Sounds like you have a decent relationship otherwise, yes it could be awkward and a bit uncomfortable but I guess you would feel pretty empowered afterwards.

[Gth1234]

tell your DH to sort it. If it happens again, you will stop going. It's his job not yours, though, I think.

[Navynails]

We have had chats before I've even vented to her when other family have over stepped the line with dd so she does know what sort of thing is likely to upset me it's like she gets carried away infront of others and all of it goes out the window I've even told her that dds behaviour is at its worst around her because she is indulging her too much and it is honestly true.

Dh has made comments before to her about just leaving dd and letting her play.

Problem is this year my hormones have been all over the place and I've not been really that well that coupled with my own anxiety over Christmas in general is likely to cause me to over react to a situation and I could end up snapping and saying something which wouldn't be nice for all concerned and if I'm honest I dont want it to get to that point either I want us to all come together and enjoy it enjoy dd watching her play but also have some decent grown up conversation.

[GreatDuckCookery6211]

In that case I would speak to her again, pointing out that you are feeling anxious and stressed and that you don't want to blow up on her on Boxing Day. Or get DH to do it. You don't need this stress right now.

Get in touch with her today and ask her to call round or meet up or whatever's best for you. I think you will feel better afterwards tbh OP.

[Ooplesandbanoonoos]

For a few hours on boxing day I would grin and bear it unless she is feeding wrong food- get DH to intervene and remove food or DD is upset/hurt and she is trying to take her away-get DH go and lift her and say I'll give her to mummy.
But set a time limit with DH on how long you will be there.

[Iloveautumnleaves]

There isn’t any way of stopping this magically, which is what you’re looking for (we ALL look for that occasionally!).

The ONLY way to TRY to prevent a huge bust up on BD is to speak to her before then. Don’t just ‘have a chat’, be VERY clear that if it starts happening on BD then you will leave immediately. Tell her that she’s fabulous 90% of the time, but this 10% is massively stressful and upsets ALL of you, so you will leave.

Tell DH and tell him he had better have your back on BD.

[FourRustedHorses]

I think you need to remind her and remind her often that she is a great grandmother and great with DD and she's doesn't need to ramp it up because everyone else knows it too.

the show for other people could be a huge confidence issue especially if she is great the rest of the time.

[WhatchaMaCalllit]

My suggestions (don't know how they would float in an actual situation but here you go):

If MiL offers your DD inappropriate food, either you or your DH steps in immediately saying "Mum/Mil, you know DD can't have X. Please stop now and don't give it to her".
If MiL takes your DD away from where she was playing, either you or your DH steps in immediately saying "Mum/Mil, DD was playing quietly there, she doesn't want to sit on your lap at the moment, please let her play with her new toys/whatever" while taking DD away from Mil and putting her back to play with her toys.

Ultimately, I think you'll have to have some words with her saying "Mum/MiL, we don't understand why you become this possessive grandparent when we show up with DD at Christmas and behave so differently to when we see you on a regular basis, taking her away from her toys, giving her inappropriate foods that you know she can't have. If you keep this up, we'll have to leave early, again, as DD doesn't like it and neither do we."

[Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe]

A firm but polite come to mummy DD when ever you feel the need should suffice.Its ok MIL I have this in hand I think DD is feeling a bit insecure and over excited about having a new brother or sister soon so I am going to give her a bit more attention in the meantime to make her feel more secure...Thank you for stepping back a bit I knew I could count on you for support...something like that maybe OP rejigged to use your own words..that way you are not conflicting and looks like you are all helping out extra together maybe? Thank MIL praise MIL for her understanding bit of a ball ache when you want to scream but you will end up getting your own way so worth it!!!! Good Luck.

[Navynails]

Yeah i think you're probably right I feel really shit speaking about her in this way and I wish I could be the kind of person to just turn the other cheek and just put it down to one those things and laugh about how ridiculous it is later but having to sit there and watch mil playing mummy with my dd to put on a show infront of family is like a red rag to a bull I do wish it wasn't though it's not just because it's mil though as I mentioned in pp I have been annoyed with various other family members for similar sorts of things and luckily we don't see them often but mil is unavoidable especially over Christmas.

[GreatDuckCookery6211]

I don't think the OP should leave it till the actual day to stand up to her as like she's said she will end up blowing her top and then feel like shit and MIL will look like the hard done by one.

[Santaispackinghissleigh]

She sounds like a bratty 6 yo. And you all allow it - making excuses she may become emotional if callled out!! A grown woman crying because she can't be dm to YOUR dc!! Oh my days how ridiculous!!
Would be leaving her house if she started that rubbish!!

[Navynails]

A blow up is the last thing I want and yes i know I would end up looking the villain but I know that in a situation where i was provoked enough I would care at the time how much of a baddy I looked my anxiety would tell me to do whatever it takes to get the hell out of that situation and if that means scream at her then I'm afraid it could happen. I am due to see mil later she's just text to ask if I want to go to a shopping outlet about 30 miles away for some last bits might be a good chance to talk to her.

[ladycarlotta]

if you talk to her about it, can you couch it kind of positively and as a problem you are helping her to solve - eg, 'MIL, I really love spending time with you and you're a great grandma, but in X situation your behaviour really changes. I know that you know it's not how you usually act. What's going through your head/what can we do to make it easier for you?'

I know that's pandering a bit, but if you go in saying 'your behaviour pisses me off and makes me uncomfortable', she'll be able to take it as a personal attack (ie cry) and therefore dismiss it. You might have more chance of getting through to her if you a) act like you are on the same team and b) place her/her feelings at the centre of the issue.

[Navynails]

Oh yes if we speak to her before hand it will very much be a shit sandwich I wouldn't just lead with her mil you're pissing me off back off my kid because the truth is I want the issue resolved without the relationship damaged.