Walking Together As A "Family"

[NormalBloke]

I have 2 sons 7 & 10. Unfortunately my ex wife currently has them for 75% of the time and there are welfare issues which I am having to go to court to address. In a nutshell one at least is medically classed as "underweight" and they routinely stay up to midnight during the school week turning them into zombies . The youngest one nearly fell asleep in school recently (again)and when with Mum they just never seem to go out of the house. Therefore they are 2 very lethargic boys and the school are now supporting me with social services etc etc as the mother will not communicate with the school.

Anyway my partner of 4 years has 2 daughters aged 7 & 11 and they are the polar opposite. They are very well brought up by my partner and her ex. They are fit as can be and bursting with energy.

However when we all get together and go on a walk around the park my partner and her 2 girls routinely just bomb ahead at their usual speed leaving us usually miles behind as I tried to encourage my 2.

I asked my partner on Sunday at the start of a 2 mile walk..." can you guys not wait for us or walk with us for a change?"

To which I got the reply that "we are normal" which made me feel like its implied my lot aren't!!!! It caused a big argument as we go as fast as we can but my 2 sons are just not in the same league as her 2.

My partner says their is nothing she can do about it and that's the way it is as she cant ask her 2 to slow down just for us.

I though the point of walking was to do it together but it just turns into 2 groups so whats the point? We can even talk along the way.

I know this probably sounds bloody stupid but AIBU to ask her to stick with us? Its not like we walk together every day it might just be once every 2 weeks we manage to all get together. She goes out walking all the time with her girls and their dog so they are used to it and even suggested we could speed up but its not as simple as that.

I feel very protective of my 2 as I know what they go through and I explained this to my partner. Im now feeling confused for even bringing it up.

[Sirzy]

When you are all together can you not pick different activities where you can all be together?

[Womantheonlykind]

How do they get to school if they never go out of the house?

[Pachyderm1]

Yanbu, it wouldn’t kill your partner or her kids to be considerate!

[Womantheonlykind]

It does seem rude, if they were walking with an elderly granny who needs to take it slow would they do the same?

Would an outing to an outdoor adventure park be better so everyone can go at their own pace but be close by for socialising?

[FrazzyAndFrumpled]

YANBU, she should be more considerate of your DC! What does she think will happen if you get custody of them? She can’t always put her own two girls ahead of them and not make concessions/allowances for their differences.

[NormalBloke]

Recently she has regularly kept both of them off school because they have been up all night and too tired to go in. She goes to bed at 10pm and leaves our 7 & 10 year olds to put themselves to bed after that. The other week their mum came downstairs at 7am to find my oldest still playing on Fortnite from the previous night. This has happened before so a history of missing school. That's a whole different thread but my point is that they are routinely tired and do little exercise.

[NormalBloke]

Woman....……….I made that exact point. Her dad is a touch frail and said you would not just walk off from him just because hes not as fit as you.

I just don't get it.

[Lilifer]

You are not unreasonable but your partner is.

Are you sure this relationship has a future? Her attitude in this small but important thing does not bode well.

[Womantheonlykind]

It actually isn't awesome parenting to model walking away from you and your dcs in this way.

How much resentment is going to be caused if this were happening full time?

Also I think a 10yo should know better about bedtime. Of course a parent should insist on bedtime and you seem to be implying that your ex is depressed or not coping BUT a 10yo should know that staying up is unacceptable, staying off school is unacceptable and although it is unfair should be capable of helping 7yo keep to routine and get themselves sorted out.

Not ideal but in the meantime as an immediate solution I would focus on getting that 10yo trained in the art of responsibility! Can you help with this over the phone or messaging prompts when dc aren't with you? Get on Fortnite and get your dc told!

[Womantheonlykind]

Usually I caution against nrps involving themselves with rp's time but if this were me I am afraid I would be parked waiting outside the house every morning to run the dc to school or the dr for a note and accepting no excuses.

[binkyblinky]

She sounds horrible. How dare she say that her children are normal. What your children are going through is not their fault 😢

[RB68]

I am glad you are going to court to get sorted but not sure your new partner is up for this - I think there needs to be a full and frank discussion. Your kids are ill really - underweight, sleep deprived, minds overstimulated by games meant for older kids etc, they need a detox, regular good food and some tlc - doesn't sound like the new partner wants in on this

[RB68]

I am glad you are going to court to get sorted but not sure your new partner is up for this - I think there needs to be a full and frank discussion. Your kids are ill really - underweight, sleep deprived, minds overstimulated by games meant for older kids etc, they need a detox, regular good food and some tlc - doesn't sound like the new partner wants in on this

[NormalBloke]

Woman if only you could hear the conversations I have with my 10yo...I constantly tell him to take some responsibility hopefully one day it will sink in.

I tell him its not your fault son ultimately as its the adult who should be parenting you but as with the zero help she gives him with homework you have to take some ownership. He nods and agrees but once he gets to her house he just falls into her way of doing things. Its awful but how can you influence things when they are not with you. Its quite difficult.

I can only contact him via her phone. Sometimes I get through sometimes there is no answer. She did get him a phone but when I sent prompts reminding him about homework for example she took it off him.

Thanks for your replies

[allinmyhead12]

we often end up like this however my DH gets just as annoyed at his two for being slow as i do. I do try to hold back but normally when he has the two and one on each arm its me and the dog alone anyway. We are lucky in a way as we both have one of each so they do get on quite well and encourage each other to enjoy it. Also a small suggestion although a bit costly, we have brought laser guns for the family gift this year which work outside up to 60m, mainly to encourage his two to do some exercise (one to put on weight make them hungry and one to lose it!) maybe this would be appealing to the older one who likes the gun games?? This would involve everyone then (we even have guns for us too LOL)
i do agree that your DP should be more understanding though it is hard to be, we have been together six years now and still have the odd upset over the kids, as parents we naturally will defend our own offspring its nature LOL

[Womantheonlykind]

I tell him its not your fault son

How is that helping him? Don't talk his mother down to him (ever, this is extremely damaging) focus on what he can do. Sit with him and help him create a good routine. Enable him.

Your influence is teaching him what he is capable of so that he can be responsible in your absence.

[Cherries101]

Stop focussing on what your ex is doing wrong and start focussing on you. That example you gave of what your current partner says about your sons suggests she doesn’t give a shit about them. Leave her as she’s clearly not stepmum material, get your own place, and start making a concerted effort to get your kids with you full time. It’s all well and good blaming other people but the way I see it your kids have 2 parents failing them right now.

[StressedToTheMaxx]

Could you maybe chose a difderent activity like swimming or a totally new activity none of you have tried so you are all starting at the same level.

[NormalBloke]

My partner isn't horrible and is mostly very considerate around my sons .I just feel that she cant quite understand what my sons go through and how it affects me as in her parenting life its totally alien to her and doesn't have to deal with the emotions that go along with it. She has 2 high achieving healthy girls and thankfully does not have any of the issues I face.

Because of my 2 sons situation iam naturally very protective of anything that is mildly inferring they are not normal even if it was said in the heat of the moment.

[masterandmargarita]

How did your ex get custody of the kids if she's not looking after them properly

[UnderHerEye]

Womantheonlykind

I work with vulnerable children,

(sorry OP but the situation you describe would have them flagged as vulnerable in my school, i mean no offence and I don’t think you will be offended as you seem aware this is the case)

And telling the 10 yr old to take responsibility in this situation is really badly thought out advice! You obviously mean well but it’s very much the same as trying to discipline a child with ASD the same way in which you would discipline an NT child, which is often counterproductive and can be harmful to boot.

OP I think you need to have a chat with your DP again, because YANBU at all, what could be a great opportunity to get the ‘step’ siblings playing/socialising together is being missed by splitting into two groups which is defeating the purpose somewhat.

[arethereanyleftatall]

She might not be horrible always, but walking fast when other people cannot keep up, is a horrible thing to do. Very unkind.

Is there some other reason? Does she want to keep her girls away from you sons?

[AnneLovesGilbert]

I really feel for you and your sons OP. Your partner is being very unfair and not doing something very simple to support you. You've explained how you feel and what you need and she's choosing to be selfish and thoughtless so in at least the short term I'd stop bothering to try and walk together and just nice outings with your boys.

Wishing you luck with court, school, SS and getting your children a bit more stability. Ignore the snippy comments, you're not being at all unreasonable

[Ellisandra]

You have your boys 25% of the time - I don’t even think you should be out playing happy family walks with them. They’re being neglected, and you want them out sharing you with your girlfriend’s high achieving same aged girls.

Well that’s fun for them!

Maybe they can’t keep up because they’re debliterately dawdling? Because they don’t want to be with your girlfriend and/ or her children, or they simply do want to be with you.

You only have them 25% of the time. Stop making them share you! What do they want to do?

I think your girlfriend sounds unsupportive. Although, without her side who knows? She may think she’s helping, not pandering to them perhaps?

But I don’t think the answer here is persuading her to be more inclusive and walk slowly. (and good luck getting her girls to slow their pace, it’s actuslly quite hard to get a child to slow down!)

The answer is to stop trying to do these walks altogether and spend the time with your own kids in the limited time you do have.

[MatildaTheCat]

A lot of kids actually don’t enjoy going for walks regardless of their fitness levels and this results in them dragging behind. Could you go to an adventure playground or do an activity like geocaching instead of a plain walk?