Dh can’t cope when ds is ill

[RobertDeNiro]

And it drives me fucking crazy. He is an amazing dad the rest of the time, literally spends every waking second he can with ds, absolutely dotes on him.

But ds has some health problems and when he gets recurring infections linked to his asthma it’s hard work with lots of inhalers and medicines and dr visits and disturbed sleep. Dh works long hours and has a long journey and is tired a lot so I get that the stress of the illness is a lot on top of that, but this morning he got up, I said hi and he ignored me. He then sat in the living room and when ds coughed he said ‘oh for fucks sake’. I said to him you can’t swear because ds is coughing, you’re making him feel bad about being ill, and dh said it’s not ds’ fault it’s just so stressful, we’ve got a whole winter of it and it’s too much. And then swore again. Ds is standing right next to me.

I said how would you like it if I kept huffing and swearing when you were coughing the other week and he said that’s different because it’s less stressful when an adult is ill.

I told him he should go in to work if he is going to be in a grump all day. He went off to the bedroom and shut the door. Ds went up the stairs and was sitting there on the landing not knowing what to do. I went up to the bedroom, opened the door and told him that shutting the door is sending the message that he doesn’t want to be disturbed which isn’t fair on ds. He said I just thought I should get out the way, I said well you didn’t need to shut the door did you. So then we had a back and forth about how he is always in a filthy grump whenever ds is ill and it’s stressful and unfair to ds. He was making out I was having a go at him unfairly. So now he has stomped off to the shower and I’m in the kitchen trying to stave off a panic attack. I grew up in an abusive household and I can’t bear anything that might make ds unhappy. Things have been so stressful in my life (with other stuff as well as this) lately that I feel like I’m clinging on by my fingernails.

[Poppylizzyrose]

I’m not really sure what to say. I feel really sorry for your ds to be honest.

Dh is coming across as insensitive and very mean.

[TheFifthKey]

I have a long commute and am always sleep-deprived in the working week and am a single parent so often am dealing with sickness etc on my own, and I'd be lying if I hadn't thought "oh FFS" when a child is ill, thinking about the knock-on effect which is mostly borne by me, and I have definitely uttered it out loud in the privacy of my bedroom when woken in the night, so I understand the utter frustration, but I have always tried to be nothing short of calm and caring to DCs themselves even when I'm totally knackered. It's not their fault.

[SoyDora]

One of my really strong memories of my childhood is being sent home ill from school (I was about 5) with an awful cough and my mum telling me off because my coughing was stressing her out. I don’t know why I’ve always remembered it, but now I have a 5 year old of my own I just think ‘how could she have told me off for it?’

[MeteorMedow]

My DF was like this and it ended in my DB and I having chronic fears of being unwell which (especially in me) lead to horrible anxiety and ruined my life for many years. I wouldn’t eat certain foods and became a total germaphobe as I was terrified of being unwell.

I remember it constantly feeling intense in our house and like a dark cloud descended when DF ‘couldn’t cope’.

It’s better now I’m in my mid twenties and live with DP who is very chilled out. I rarely see my DF but when I do I’m often on edge.

[Handsfull13]

I'm sorry your having to deal with it all OP

I have said ffs when my twins are ill but under my breath and they are only 1 so they don't understand. I'll stop when they do and just think it inside.

It is exhausting when children are ill. And it's more tiring because as a parent you have to keep calm and act as if everything is fine. Your husband seems to have forgotten this.

He needs to understand he can be annoyed by sickness but he can't take it out on your son or let him feel it's his fault.

[RobertDeNiro]

@meteormedow when you said about being on edge I realised that I’m always on edge around him myself. When he comes home or comes into the room I kind of stiffen up. He’s so tightly wound and grumpy it does my fucking head in. There are so many good things about our relationship but increasingly lately I’ve started feeling like things should be better than this, and that I’m unappreciated and life is just a dirge.

[Fairylea]

Your dh is being massively unfair. Yes it’s stressful, of course it is, but as an adult you learn to keep feelings to yourself and give our patience and kindness to your dc.

I have asthma and other chronic illnesses and I have memories of my mum being really quite cross with me as if I was putting it on and at 38 now I feel quite hurt and angry about it. There really isn’t any excuse.

[RobertDeNiro]

Life is so hard. I can’t take any more.

[Kaykay06]

Sounds like an odd person it’s hardly your sons fault he is unwell. I have a 7 year old who has asthma and other health issues and we’ve had a time of it and it’s taken ages to get them under some sort of control but he does get quite unwell with a cold and was ill all weekend and off school Monday and Tuesday and he’s kindly shared his cold with me. I’m shattered from being up with him giving inhalers, steroids etc but never felt it was his fault just that I was tired and I’m a single parent so no one to take over for me. Hope your partner sorts out why this is making him so mad at a kid who can’t help his illness seems to be his own problem and it’s sad to read.

I know my son sometimes feels he can’t do what other kids to due to his asthma but I’d hate him to think that I was upset with him for being ill pretty rubbish for your son

[KristinaM]

Are there other things you want to talk about OP?

[willthedoctorchaseme]

Undoubtedly your DH is being an arse, but this phrase stood out to me I can’t bear anything that might make ds unhappy. what do you mean by that?

You shouldn't have started the convo with him in front of DS either - the two of you need to have that conversation when DS isn't around.

What age is DS?

[Laureline]

Your husband needs to get some self-control pronto. He’s acting out and being awful - not acceptable behaviour in an adult.

[UpstartCrow]

Look at The Freedom Programme, they have resources for both partners. You shouldn't have to walk on eggshells around your partner.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

[RobertDeNiro]

@willthedoctorchaseme I mean I don’t want him ever being made to feel bad (ds). And you’re right I shouldn’t have started the conversation, but I wanted to make clear to ds that he shouldn’t feel bad about coughing and dh was wrong to make him feel so. Ds is 8.

@kristinam I’m NC with most of my family. Absent father, abusive stepfather, complicit mother, it’s taken every bit of strength I have to get through all the depression and anxiety caused by them all, so I feel very shaken whenever there are issues between dh and I, or if ds might be negatively affected.

[MatildaTheCat]

Apart from the obvious unpleasantness of being annoyed with your own son’s illness does he really think is remotely ok to use that language in front of a child?

He needs to be given a stern warning and have a hard think about this. I do feel really sorry for a poorly child who is made acutely aware that 1. His own parent can’t stand his illness and 2. It causes his parents to fight.

[Tinty]

Life is so hard. I can’t take any more.

This is more than just a poorly DC with a cough, OP. I think you need to talk to someone. Do you have a friend you can talk to?

If you feel that you are walking on eggshells around DH, this is not right. It sounds like there is more wrong than just your DS coughing. It sounds like your DH is making your life very stressful with the implication that everyone has to pander to him because he doesn't like it when DS is ill. You say you get tense whenever he is home with you. This is not good for you. He should be home and relieving the burden of looking after a sick child not making it worse.

[RobertDeNiro]

@matildathecat you’re right.

During another ds illness a few years ago dh shoved me (not hard, but still) towards the front door during an argument. I’ve never forgotten it. He called me a cunt during another one. I’ve never forgotten that either.

And yes I’m always on eggshells. It’s things like you can easily see he is annoyed if he comes into the bedroom to dry his hair and get dressed and me and ds are in there. Because he’d rather be alone getting ready. Tough shit, we are already here. You live in a family home, get over it. But he makes me so tense sometimes.

And other times he can be amazing and helps me with my problems and listens and spends all his time here with us. We are always laughing.

I dunno. Do we accept that everyone has flaws and try to work through our issues with them? Because I see LTB bandied around so much on here, it makes me scared to admit things aren’t perfect in my relationship.

[RobertDeNiro]

Yes I have a friend. Other than that I’m totally alone.

[Molewoman]

I'm worried about you, OP. Do you have a counsellor you can talk to? Your DP is the problem here, not you, and certainly not poor DS who can't help being ill and would obviously much rather not be. I admire you for sticking up for your DS. DP is self-centred and immature. If you feel strong enough to tell him that, you would all benefit, but I understand the instinct to avoid confrontation. We're all on your side!

[recklessruby]

I get that it's frustrating but I used to think ffs when dc were ill because work could be nasty. I m a single parent but wouldn't let it show to dc. Really, when a dc is ill and crying and being sick they just want a loving calm parent.
Your dh is being nasty and making you and ds feel guilty for something you can't help.
He sounds massively controlling

[Kittykat93]

Sorry but your husband sounds like a dick. We all hate it when our children are ill and yes it's massively stressful and draining, I'm knackered today as ds has just had jabs so he's very grumpy and unsettled.

However him using That language in front of a child?? And being annoyed at your poor son who is ill and can't help it? He should be comforting him not swearing and storming off. Parenting is bloody hard, he should have thought about that before he decided to have children,

[tolerable]

not supportingyour ds being a knob..but think youre not coping with poorly ds either really and its manifesting in being very controlly bout things you cant possibly control its anxiety orming its way back to the top.you can deal with that. i feel crappy saying that its reaally not meant as horribly as probli reads.speak to someone.

[RobertDeNiro]

I don’t have a counsellor at present.

I should see the dr I spose for an overview of my mental health but I don’t like to admit how shit I feel sometimes for fear of facing it meaning I crash like a house of cards.

[Nanny0gg]

There's flaws and there's flaws.

Is there someone in RL you can talk to? Have you seen a counsellor?

[KristinaM]

@kristinam I’m NC with most of my family. Absent father, abusive stepfather, complicit mother, it’s taken every bit of strength I have to get through all the depression and anxiety caused by them all, so I feel very shaken whenever there are issues between dh and I, or if ds might be negatively affected

I see. You had an unhappy childhood so you work really hard to give your own son a happy family.

That must be very difficult when you feel like anything you say or do might set off your husband and that will then upset your son.

And if you don’t have much of an extended family them you must feel that you and your husband are all that your son has. So you really need to make your marriage work and stay together for his sake.

Is that right ?