MIL coming to stay

[LittleMia]

So, I am due baby no4 this coming
Monday. We live around 1 hour from in-laws and 3 1/2 hours from my parents. We have no local relatives or family.

With this in mind, we had asked in-laws if they would mind being on standby for labour for the other children. The idea is that my neighbour would deal with the immediate care to give in-laws time to get here then they would take over until we could get home from the hospital. Just for some context, none of my previous labours have gone over 5 hours and we've done 6 hour discharge with last two children so it's likely to be a day that we need them at most.

This week, mil tells me that if baby isn't here by due date, she's coming down to 'stay for a few days' because FIL has golf during the week and may not be able to drive her if I go into labour. Again, for context, MIL and I get on fine but we are very different people. She likes to come to my home and essentially tell me how slovenly I am and essentially spend days 'visiting' doing housework and laundry until it's done to her satisfaction then she leaves. She will come for these 'visits' periodically, usually on days that I am working and the children are at school. It is frustrating because a) I am not slovenly and my house is not dirty and b) because it entails spending little or no time with her grandchildren which, to me, should surely be the priority. However, I have long ago accepted that we are just different and that whilst it's not my priority / need / preference, that it is kindly meant and try to just go along with it in the spirit (I think!) it is meant!

But this is just a stretch too far!! At 40 weeks pregnant, I have been nesting like mad and my house Is spotless! Laundry is up to date and my hormones are such that, if she starts cleaning things that I have already made ready, I'm going to snap!! She doesn't like to just sit and she doesn't really eat so trying to entertain her is a total no-go, even if at this point I had the energy or inclination - which I don't!! And to cap it off, if I go into labour and it's just me and her here, I can think of NO ONE I would like here less, watching and commenting... (she was a cleaner in a hospital before retiring so thinks her medical knowledge is that if a registrar!!).

I'm so stressed at this point but DH says it'll cause mortal offence to deflect said visit and it's my fault, because I've encouraged her over the years to do this!!

AIBU to ask dh to ask mil to just stick to original plan?? And AIBU to ask FIL to miss possibly 1 round of golf for the birth of his grandchild? It's not like it's a weekly occurance??

[chickenchip]

Could you get her to do some batch cooking?

[LittleMia]

She doesn't really cook... more a heat things up sort of cook...

[SandAndSea]

After all these years and all the DGC you've given her, how do you feel about simply telling her the truth?

Mil, I know you hate to sit still and like to clean and help us out when you come over but I've been nesting for weeks and I really need to be able to just relax in my way now. I need you to do xxx - is that OK?

[CoraPirbright]

Yes, get DH to point out to his darling father that the birth of a child is a teensy bit more important than fucking golf.

[CaptSkippy]

"mortal offense" does not matter. Additional stress is the very last thing you need right now. Get your husband to tell his mom to stay home.

[coconutpie]

Tell your DH to sort out telling his mother she can't stay.

[Ozgirl75]

Just say “that’s kind of you to offer but I’ve actually got plans for the last days of my pregnancy so it won’t be convenient”.

If she decides to take offence, can your neighbour just watch the kids and husband come home straight after the birth, given how quickly your births normally go?

[MacosieAsunter]

Yes, get DH to point out to his darling father that the birth of a child is a teensy bit more important than fucking golf.

Why the vile aggression towards people you don't know? no one hangs around for 4 weeks (2 before and 2 after due date) putting their life on hold just in case.

Jesus. This isn't the second coming of Christ.

[Ozgirl75]

Or could a friend pop in and help.

[hellojim]

I would find someone else to be on standby

[InfiniteVariety]

Even though you've been nesting, there must surely be something that needs cleaning? Your kitchen cupboards for example? The fridge? The DCs' toys? Then you deflect her attention from the stuff you've already done with which you don't want her to interfere

[ApolloandDaphne]

It sounds like she means well. I would let her come, let her potter around and clean. Take to your bed with 'exhaustion' and let her bash on. It might be a good chance o get some Christmas prep done online or just read a book and rest.

[Laiste]

If you feel you can say thanks v much but no thanks then do it. If not get DH to tell her. It's not difficult to come up with reasons. Heavily preg woman wants time to herself in her own home last week before birth isn't shocking, and if MIL takes offense then she's being an arse.

I would stay away from the issue of what FIL is or isn't doing. Concentrate on the simple matter of no thanks to staying over.

As pp suggested go with neighbors taking charge and DH coming home asap. Or a friend on standby to relieve neighbors to give you a few more hours wriggle room.

[diddl]

If you don't like her solution, then tell her that you'll find someone else for that week.

[bettytaghetti]

Could you get your own parents to come & stay instead? Presumably they'd want to come and see the new baby anyway?

[Laiste]

The thing is, because it's MIL/FIL who are asking to change the plan it's fine to cheerfully just say thanks but no, so basically if we can't do the original plan then we're going to go with our plan B. (and then come up with a plan B not involving them).

Trying to change what FIL is doing ect and force the issue back to plan A is just complicating the issue, risks courting friction and means you'll probably end up with her staying round in the end.

[LittleMia]

I really don't expect their life to be on hold. I would have been totally fine with 'sorry, we don't know what we're doing and can't be on standby'...

I don't actually expect anything of anyone... just hoped that family would maybe help me.

I know it's not the second coming of Christ but it's sorta a big deal to me...

Maybe I'll just speak to my neighbour. She's lovely. It's just she has her own children and it seems a bigger ask.


And yes, I think honesty is the best way but dh is convinced that it'll cause a massive rift... when I first asked him to deflect, I didn't think it was going to be a huge deal but he's really annoyed with me.

[MacosieAsunter]

Op - have you thought of giving her a list of things to do? all those jobs we all have but have to be done ? curtains down and washed, linen cupboard relaundered and dried, kitchen cupboards cleaned etc The ironing pile

[Romcomjunkie]

It’s not just the cleaning though is it, it’s the fact she will be in the actual house - present and waiting - when you go into labour! On that basis I would have to say ‘no’.

[Gottagetmoving]

Another thread about relying on a mil to help but demanding it on your own terms. She is prepared to help but is looking for a way that fits in with her and her husband's plans too.
It may not even happen because you may go into Labour before the due date.
Don't rely on other people if you can't compromise.

[Lindy2]

I would live soneone to do a few days worth of cleaning and laundary at my house. 😂 Sadly all my MIL does is sit around expecting me to wait on her every need.
However, I do see your point and the last few days of pregnancy is not a time to be put under and stress or pressure.
Could you send her to my house give her a specific job to do such as gardening, ironing, shopping etc which would mean she feels she is helping you but without being intrusive?

[Peridot1]

If they are only an hour away how much would a taxi be? It’s about £55 from here to our local airport which is just under an hour. So on the off chance FIL is playing golf she could get a taxi to yours and then he can pick her up.

I completely get why you don’t want her staying. Even if you had a load of stuff for her to do. You don’t want it. And you have done everything how you like it.

[Awrite]

I looked after a neighbour's children when she went into labour. He dh then spent a couple of hours with us as he was on a high after the birth of his third child.

I was happy to do this and wouldn't have imposed conditions on a heavily pregnant woman.

Stick to your guns and if you can, find someone who is happy to help on your terms.

Your dh isn't the pregnant one.

[Singlenotsingle]

Wow! I'd bite her hand off if it was me getting the offer of someone staying for a few days ready for the baby arriving. And bustling around cleaning and sorting while she's there! What would you say if it was DM, rather than mil? And FIL has seen it all before, he's got plans and doesn't want to disrupt them. Fair enough.

[LittleMia]

It's exactly the 'just being here' that I just can't do at the moment...

I don't think I am someone who can issue a nearly 70 year old woman a list of jobs and simply sit back and tick them off without feeling like I need to pitch in.. so, if she's up ladders taking down curtains, so am I and I just don't have the energy. Aside from anything, my curtains are clean!!!

And It's honestly not that I can't compromise - I really have, for 14 years, compromised how I really feel about her just turning up and doing her thing. I don't want her here on days I work, poking around, cleaning, passively making comment about how filthy this,
That or the other was but I do... because I understand that for her, it's helping. It's making a difference.

And I thank her every time, even though it's not actually helping me or making a difference to me or my family.

I just need privacy and to not to be made to feel like I live in a hovel for one time... just one. Then I can totally go back to ignoring the comments and just saying thank you.