AIBU to just have completely lost my shit at OH?

[User761]

I've just been a horrible bastard, and I'm not proud of it. I'm completely lost as to what to do though, nothing works.

For a bit of background, I suffer two illnesses that cause fatigue - so my existence is pretty much one of battling extreme fatigue where every single thing in my day takes about 50 x more effort than it ever used to. I'm tired of being tired, tired of battling illness, and tired of battling my OH on top. I try my very best to just push on, but there are of course bad days. I work full time, I'm run down because of my illnesses and work stress, I'm working overtime and just had to take
short A/L to try and recoup and catch up on things. In short, I'm not very well.

OH works full time. Higher earner, so does contribute more to bills. I'm in debt, which I'm now trying to sort. But what can I say, I'm just stressed, tired and feel like giving up.

So, the actual problem... house work. I do all the washing, drying folding washing etc every day, his job is to do the dishes, each day. He will pick up a hoover, tidy and sweep of his own accord. It's mostly me who mows the lawns, does shopping etc.

My problem is, though the household jobs were agreed, he doesn't stick to it. Dirty dishes will be left piling up in the sink for days, getting in the way of me able to use the sink without emptying it all and putting it back. I can't just go and cook a dinner, as we're short on pots and pans, cutlery, and space because often the dirty dishes aren't just in the sink, they're accumulating over the kitchen sides, too. I find it disgusting - it's dirty, messy, gets in the way and means that unless I'm prepared to do the dishes on top of the other things I do, when it's supposed to be his job, I simply can't even cook a decent meal as all the kitchen ware is dirty. I have tried speaking to him nicely about it, twice this week in fact - he agreed and has just 'forgotten', AGAIN. I always try talking about it, explaining that it doesn't feel fair, and it's actually hindering me being able to do things like cook dinner or use the sink to fill a bucket of water etc. Last time I washed all the windows in the house, I told him it was his turn next - he didn't want to so said he'd hire a window cleaner - this was 4 months ago. He keeps forgetting... despite my constant nagging.

I'm tired of nagging. We're both messy people, I'm ill and just trying my best to get through my own shit, I don't have the energy for his as well. I've told him this.

I shouted, swore at him about it today. Bins full, so rather than have to empty the kitchen bin he's left a pizza box with left over food on the kitchen counter - meaning foods left about all day unless I do it, of course. Told him that since he was on late I'd now have to do his job of washing all the dishes as well as my own stuff before I could cook dinner... his response was "So?". I called him a sexist pig thinking it was my job to use my A/L doing his jobs as well as my own. I also called him a cunt. I'm not proud. I'm at the end of my tether.

I've spent my A/L so far getting blood tests, unblocking drains, hoovering up, doing deep clean on washing machine and getting washing/drying done, shopping orders, cleaning kitchen. I wanted to go out today to take some clothes to the charity shop and go visit a store I like. It takes a long time by bus. I feel overwhelmed and like I won't have time to do this, on top of everything else.

Sorry it's long. Please be kind, but very honest. Am I being unreasonable?

[User761]

No kids, btw.

[Omeletteandbeans]

YANB at all U. I'd have shouted long before now. Don't cook dinner, don't clean anything, go and have the day out you planned and leave him to stew in it.

You seem like a very nice person to be upset about what I consider totally justified shouting, and I think he's been taking advantage of that.

[Clandestino]

LTB. Seriously.

[Knittedfairies]

You could suggest he buys himself a dishwasher.

[Doingreat]

Yanbu. You're sick. Instead of looking after you, he's making more work for you. If you left him, your life would actually be easier.

[alfiesmam]

Make him pay for a cleaner

[User761]

I have tried not cooking dinner, leaving the mess. The result is a messy home which makes me feel horrible, it doesn't bother him as much. I don't want it spotless, just that if someone were to drop by, to not be too embarrassed to let them in :( I don't want to have to remind him all the time. I have enough on my plate, I'm forgetting my own appointments, training courses etc.

He has his lovely points of course, as I have my bad points too. He left the house without saying a word/engaging, which probably takes a lot of willpower to not resort to shouting back.

For some reason I'm always the one ending up feeling guilty and saying sorry, and that doesn't feel fair. I've explained to him that I feel we should be choosing our battles more, and house work just isn't worth fighting about. That he needs to remember his own stuff, so I can concentrate on mine. He has terrible trouble with his memory, he says. Xx

[StUmbrageinSkelt]

He's totally unreasonable and unfair. that's revolting and he needs to be better.

[LucyMorningStar]

So you're not happy and he doesn't give a shit about that. Life is too short to spend it in resentment. It would be easier for you to live on your own. Oh and YANBU.

[Lethaldrizzle]

Just do less. Do the windows need to be cleaned alot. Do you need to do the washing every day. If you cant sgree on chores cut back on something and hire a cleaner 2 or 3 hours a week.

[PrincessTwilightStoleMyToddler]

I don’t have the answer really but this may resonate - mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

[Seniorschoolmum]

Leave all his rubbish where it is and go out. Stay with your mum or check into a travel lodge with Netflix.

And make him hire a gardener. If you are I’ll, surely pushing a lawn mower won’t help.

[Pissedoffdotcom]

How can he 'forget' to do the dishes when every time he walks into the kitchen they will be there?! That's laziness & selfishness

[rainbowstardrops]

He's being an inconsiderate, thoughtless arse.
I'd give him one final chance and then say you'll have to call it quits.
If he loved you and cared about you then he'd be trying to make your life easier not harder.

[RangeRider]

Swap the jobs around. If he's crap at dishes get him doing the mowing (more physically tiring surely?) and other jobs that don't hold you up. Do the jobs you're each best suited at. And if you're both messy then look for ways to make it permanently easier - less stuff kept out (which slows down cleaning & is more likely to be left in the wrong place), minimise possessions, have a visual rota, do tasks at the same time (e.g. he washes up while you're hoovering or something so he doesn't feel like you're doing nothing while he's busy).

[HollowTalk]

Given you seem to want to stay with him and your finances are separate, I'd get him to buy a dishwasher and to pay for a cleaner for a few hours a week. I think you'd get on a lot better, then.

I'm shocked that you are in debt and he isn't - why is that happening?

[HEIGhtstiAeR]

If he has problems with memory, what is he doing about it? Writng lists, setting alarms, taking steps to get in to good habits? Or is he being a self-centred cunt who's also a snarky tosser when you point out he "forgot" again?

[Uncreative]

Don’t shout at him. Leave him.

[Laureline]

Do less and make him pay for a cleaner if it’s financially possible?

This is what we did. I was fed up with DP doing ironing on Saturday mornings while I was cleaning the bathrooms. So now I have 2 cleaners who come 4 hours a week (we have an 8 yo and a 6 weeks old also). It’s an expense I’m lucky to be able to shoulder, but even 2 hours a fortnight could help

[Spreadingcudweed]

Sympathies op. My dh doesn't "see" it either and he cooks to relax/for recreation and frequently creates the most awful mess. It gets you down after a while, it really does and far worse I imagine when battling illness.

Suggest 1. buy a dw. 2. employ a cleaner. Don't ask permission. Just do it. If he objects remind him that you are spending your A/L mowing the lawn, unblocking drains and washing up, amd if he is not going to pull his weight, then someone has to! Remind him you are ill too.

Having said that, you mention debt? Obviously don't answer if you don't want to, but is that debt accrued since you were married do you mind me asking? Have you been taking on too many of the financial as well as the practical responsibilities too? If so, he is not a very nice bloke I'm afraid (sorry if I have this wrong).

[hellsbellsmelons]

What sort of bills are they?
Is it a mortgage or do you rent?
Honestly.... you need some space away from this.
You absolutely continue at this rate.
He's a fucking lazy asshole and will NEVER improve.
You need to take care of yourself.
Can you get a place of your own?

[User761]

He asks me to leave post it notes on his computer to remind him. My problem is I'm mentally exhausted and struggling to remind myself about my important stuff, to be doing it for him at the moment. He has done lists in the past, and forgotten to look at them.

He did mow the lawn last time I went ape shit telling him it wasn't fair on me doing it all the time. The lawn mower is shit, and broken and kills yours hands. He's got a bad back but did do it when he was poorly. I done it last. He also did do some weeding. But because it's not getting done regularly, it's getting on top of us. I asked and asked to please phone a gardener and we would go halves (in short, I work somewhere I don't get reception, as he works by phones so easier for him to make the call/use internet at work). This kept getting promised and only happened when the landlord knocked on my door unhappy (rightly so) about the garden. Then I really lost my shit that I was the one having to deal with landlord knocking on our door, not him. I was mortified. The gardener came, mowed the lawn, was supposed to come back to do the weeds but didn't, and I asked him to sort it with this one, or another. That's how it's been left.

So this is what happens when I leave the jobs, it gets left till that point. I can't keep leaving things else they just do not get done and it's bringing me down.

Sorry, I'm not shooting down your responses. I can't stay with family, I'm far away from them now.

[EK36]

If he is the high earner could you leave your job, to concentrate on the house and getting more rest?

[User761]

We're not married no, and my debt is totally down to me, not him. Being silly with money and overspending. Buying things cheered me up. That one is fully on me and my own problem (another that I'm trying to deal with, not finding it easy but just have to get on with it).

[EK36]

Or pay for a gardener & cleaner?