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AIBU?

To not fancy my partner?

49 replies

dayzee16 · 21/07/2018 13:15

I am having a dilemma.. it's become VERY clear to me I just do not find my partner attractive. He is a good person. Genuine, funny, kind & loving. We have been together for around 4 years.

If I am being honest I have never been physically attracted to him, but I fell for his charm. I am now at the stage where I am getting a lot of attention from others and I am struggling to ignore it. My partner doesn't seem to take much pride in his looks and to me it just seems a bit like he doesn't WANT to impress me. I make an effort to look good and be the person he wants to be seen with and it makes me feel good too. I feel he isn't returning this. I know it's very selfish and shallow of me but I can't shake the feeling I could be with someone who I am attracted to. It is becoming increasingly hard to have sex with him because of this.

Our relationship is on thin ice at the moment as it is due to some other issues, and this is just not helping.

Please I would like some advice and opinions. I feel really horrible that I'm thinking this. Has anyone else been in the same position? Thank you.

OP posts:

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Somersetlady · 21/07/2018 13:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PositiveVibez · 21/07/2018 13:21

Do you have a house together? Children together?

smashyourglasses · 21/07/2018 13:23

End it, life's too short to be stuck with someone you don't fancy.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 21/07/2018 13:24

This isn't a dilemma. You're not attracted to him; you never were, and you're no longer happy to be "settling" for his charm as you were before.

Let him go to find someone who loves all of him; and you go enjoy the attention and find someone who you find attractive and charming.

Do it gently; but quickly. It's not fair to keep this going. You won't be able to get past it.

dayzee16 · 21/07/2018 13:26

Erm ok, so I'm definitely not a troll.

Yes we have a house together but no children.

OP posts:

PositiveVibez · 21/07/2018 13:33

Sell up, move on. You don't want to spend the rest of your life with this man, so cut your losses and find someone you fancy.

Your current partner can also do the same. I highly doubt he would want to be with you either knowing what you truly think of him.

PaulRuddislush · 21/07/2018 13:40

End it now.

dayzee16 · 21/07/2018 13:41

Am I being naive thinking that everyone is physically attracted to their partners? Is that the case?

I know the honeymoon phase doesn't last forever but surely people still have that desire to go up and kiss their partners. I feel sad I don't feel like that. I never really have to be honest.

OP posts:

PaulRuddislush · 21/07/2018 13:45

I've been married for over 30 years and have gone through phases of not fancying my husband but it's been more about a general lack of communication and closeness. Right now he is the most handsome he's ever been because he's grown into his looks, takes pride in his appearance and is a lovely human being.

Sarahani · 21/07/2018 13:46

End it, it won't get better! If your not attracted to him, your not attracted to him. Just tout it down to a lesson learnt.

LavendarGreen · 21/07/2018 13:51

FFS if you are repulsed by the poor bugger THAT much, put him out of his misery and jump ship. Let him find someone who loves him and cares about him.

LavendarGreen · 21/07/2018 13:54

@dayzee16

Am I being naive thinking that everyone is physically attracted to their partners? Is that the case?

Are you kidding me?! Of COURSE people are attracted to their partners!

Why would they even BE with them?!

I know the honeymoon phase doesn't last forever but surely people still have that desire to go up and kiss their partners. I feel sad I don't feel like that. I never really have to be honest.

Honeymoon phase? Sounds like you have NEVER been attracted to him.

LET HIM GO! Poor bastard.

ForalltheSaints · 21/07/2018 13:56

LavendarGreen do you think Melania was ever physically attracted to her rich husband?

RonniePickering · 21/07/2018 13:57

I'm still attracted to my partner, after 17 years. Would be odd not to be, surely?

LavendarGreen · 21/07/2018 14:03

@Forallthesaints

LavendarGreen do you think Melania was ever physically attracted to her rich husband?

Why wouldn't she be?

NotAsGreenAsCabbageLooking · 21/07/2018 14:04

I’ve only been with mine for three years.. but even when we’re not talking (for whatever silly reason) I still fancy the arse off him.

I couldn’t be with someone if I didn’t love and fancy them.

LavendarGreen · 21/07/2018 14:04

Extremely odd to be with someone 4-5 years, and then say you have NEVER been physically attracted to them!

NotASingleFuckToGive · 21/07/2018 14:05

End it.

Evolution caused our sexual attraction to be at its strongest for in the first 18months-3yrs of a r'ship, which was to ensure pregnancy occurs in that time.
More desire = more sex = a baby. It's not called the honeymoon period for nothing!
Mother nature does this so you don't then leave a mate when they aren't as sexually attractive anymore, since you're already tied to them before that feeling fades.
If you've never been attracted to him, it's not going to begin happening now.

OneStepSideways · 21/07/2018 14:07

If you didn't fancy him to start with, it's unlikely you ever will. I don't see how him making more effort with his appearence could change this.

I left my previous partner because I didn't find him attractive. It's not just about sex, I think the person you live with needs to be pleasing to your eye and a good chemical match eg you need to love their smell too.

I find my DH very attractive. I love looking at him and being near him. I find the lines of his face beautiful, the feel of his skin, his voice, his mannerisms and the way he holds himself etc. I find him just as lovely when unshowered, unshaven etc

auntpoll · 21/07/2018 14:34

I experienced this in my first marriage. I did initially fancy my now exdh when we were first together but he was very controlling and I lost a lot of my desire and simply didn't fancy him anymore. By this time though, I was engaged to him. We were 21 and I truly felt obliged to carry on with the relationship. I always found it odd if people still seemed to fancy their partner after a couple of years. It made me feel icky.

I duly married him I had a really bad feeling a few days before but thought it was the 'pre wedding jitters' that bridal magazines talked of. We had children. He demanded sex, I performed, I was NEVER allowed to not feel like it. He bullied me over everything (not just sex) and I thought this was how marriage was.

After nine and a half years of marriage he stopped initiating sex. He spent more and more time away from home. He denied he was having an affair but of course he was.

We finally split after 11 years of marriage - he went off with the OW. It was such a huge relief! I had children and didn't want to be the one to break up our 'happy' home.

I met someone new, far sooner than I expected to. We dated for several years and I had the best sex ever! Thirteen years later I still fancy the pants off him, we are married and have children together. I'm having menopause issues but no matter how bad my 'foof' feels I still want him! It is so so liberating when you realise that you are capable of maintaining an attraction without having to force it.

It's hard to accept and it seems so hurtful to not fancy someone but as others have said, by staying put you're preventing both of you having fulfilling relationships. He doesn't need to know this is the reason for the split.

NordicNobody · 21/07/2018 15:02

I'm physically attracted to people that I'm emotionally attracted to, if that makes sense. I don't have a "type", if I like someone's personality then I become attracted to them physically. I've been with several people I wasn't initially attracted to, but became attracted to once we developed a connection. It goes the other way too, if I meet someone I find physically attractive but we don't have a connection, I stop finding them attractive and only notice their physical flaws. I wonder if that's what's happening to you, that you actually just don't like your partner very much and have therefore gone off him physically. You mentioned you were in thin ice for other reasons. I wonder if you'd still find him unattractive if those other reasons weren't present. Either that or you want to end things and are looking for reasons. Either way it sounds like its run its course. You make out like he's a decent guy so don't wait until the realtionship has become a miserable soul crushing nightmare, exit now with kindness and sensitivity.

User183737 · 21/07/2018 18:01

I felt like this before I realised I was gay. I thought everyone who was with a man just 'liked' them, and went into relationships with them, but that nobody was turned on by them. I've never been turned on by a man but have always 'admired' women. It took a long time to realise that other women did definitely not feel the same. I was watching the atheletics and my friends were practically drooling at the men's legs and chests. I just didn't get it, AT ALL. So not fancying your partner doesn't mean you are bad, but it does mean you shouldn't be with them,

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User183737 · 21/07/2018 18:02

Why would they even BE with them?!
Er ya know, because not everybody is obsessed by someone's dick, and they might think they are funny or kind, and think that that is a good reason to be with someone??

User183737 · 21/07/2018 18:03

Why wouldn't she be?
Errrrrrrrrrrrrr……..where do I start? What is attractive about the billionaire Donald Trump

User183737 · 21/07/2018 18:04

Lavendar are you projecting here? You seem to feel very strongly about it

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