Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

1 2

AIBU?

To expect my brother to replace what he stole before we can move on?

50 replies

CSISaraSidle · 21/07/2018 01:56

Hi,
I really need advice here. About 3 years ago my brother stole my laptop and sold it for 9 pills for a party. He recently admitted it to me (about a year ago) and promised to replace it. At the time he was earning £250 a week and living rent free, to the extent that my parents would provide his food. He spent all his money on beer and drugs. He did not replace it.
Every time I see him I'm already angry to begin with, because he has not yet replaced it and still smokes marijuana around me (I'm 8 months pregnant) so I have to either make a scene and be called ridiculous by my parents- we only ever see each other when I visit my mum or dad- and honestly I'm about at the end of my tether. I want my laptop replaced, but my parents both think I'm being unreasonable and causing a rift. It's not even about the laptop. It's the principle. Everyone just forgives him everything and even now if he steals something, no matter how small, they expect me to accept that that's his life.
I'm at a point now where I don't want him around my baby when she arrives because he has no respect for me whatsoever and I don't want that role model in her life, and I don't think I'm unreasonable to ask that he replaces what he stole and stops doing drugs around me.
AIBU and an "ingrate" as my dad says, or should he make efforts to make up for his past and change his future?

OP posts:

Report

Greenyogagirl · 21/07/2018 02:08

What an odd family you have, you are definitely not being unreasonable, they’re all being disrespectful to you!

CSISaraSidle · 21/07/2018 02:13

I think it might just be the way they are, greenyoga, I've always been considered the black sheep. I never did drugs or anything like that, and I don't believe that family is an unbreakable tie, but they're all heavy drinkers who smoke weed and have done hard drugs. I don't blame them for that but I do want my brother to be held accountable for what he's done!

OP posts:

Greenyogagirl · 21/07/2018 02:17

Do you really want your child growing up with that kind of influence?
My parents smoked weed, my dad still does and my brother has since he was 10 and did all the drugs etc he’s never stolen anything but he’s been really nasty and spiteful and I made the decision about 6 months ago to stop even trying with him and I feel so much better for it, it upset my mum as he’s the golden boy but I need to put me and my son first

Seniorschoolmum · 21/07/2018 02:29

YANBU but I don’t think you’ll get your money back, because your family clearly think what’s yours is theirs. You’re just going to upset yourself. Write it off.
How can you be the black sheep for NOT doing drugs.

echt · 21/07/2018 02:35

Write off the laptop, you'll never get that money back.

As for being an "ingrate", what have they done for you to be grateful?

Possibly you need not to visit your parents if drugs are being used, and tell them that's why.

Zommum · 21/07/2018 02:38

I don't think you will get your money back, but I wouldn't let him in my house ever again. Sometimes you just have to accept situations for what they are, your family will continue to enable his behaviour, and he probably won't stop. Focus on your your little family and keep you brother at arms length.

HoppingPavlova · 21/07/2018 02:49

I would write it off and go NC with the lot of them. They sound utterly bizarre and not the people I would want to have around my child in any way, shape or form.

arranfan · 21/07/2018 03:03

YANBU.

However, they're showing you who they are - believe them.

NC is the way to go as you don't need the chaos in your life or that of your child.

thebewilderness · 21/07/2018 03:29

It is so hard when you are blamed for not accepting his right to do anything he want to you whenever he wants to.
Maybe someday he will grow up enough to make amends instead of false apologies. These are the elements of a genuine apology:
Expression of regret.
Explanation of what went wrong.
Acknowledgment of responsibility.
Declaration of repentance.
Offer of repair.
Request for forgiveness.

You cannot do anything about your brother but you may be able to talk with your parents about them blaming you for his bad behavior.

CSISaraSidle · 21/07/2018 03:37

My mum actually isn't that bad. She drinks and smokes weed but she does just want what's best for us all, even if her vision is clouded when it comes to my brother. She does a lot for me.
My dad clearly has my brother at the top of his priority list but honestly I think if I refused to let him see his granddaughter it would kill him, and even if he's not the best dad in the world he is my dad and I wouldn't want that for him.
My brother on the other hand, I could do without. I didn't know that about apologies thebewilderness so I'll definitely bear that in mind. I believe in second chance she but my the time you get to the twentieth chance, I believe actions speak louder. I'm sick of watching my family be taken for fools and I don't believe my brother cares about any of us.

OP posts:

387I2 · 21/07/2018 03:58

You are the "black sheep" because you never did drugs? That's usually the other way around in other families.

You won't get the laptop back, in a way it's not unreasonable to wish for it, or a replacement laptop, but it's not likely to happen, is it? If you are without laptop now, a second-hand laptop is not all that expensive if you buy an old one and if you put Linux on it (or have someone do it for you) it'll be as good as new. If you have a replacement laptop already, just put the thoughts of the old one behind, it's not worth it to be stressed up over a piece of electronics when you have your baby to focus on.

BlueBug45 · 21/07/2018 04:06

So you rather have your baby grow up around a load of addicts and see addiction as normal then go NC? Weird.

BlahBlahRidiculous · 21/07/2018 04:47

BlueBugs45
Maybe don't be so judgemental. They are her family and cutting contact is really hard. Even if there are lifestyle choices she doesn't like, they are the only family she gets.

OP, it is a hard situation. Even if you got your laptop replaced things won't improve.
With my family before we had kids we could limit contact and just take precautions (Like leaving our valuables locked in the car when we visited and leaving when things got messy). But once we did have our kids it was harder to allow them to be around people under the influence and all the things that go with those lifestyle choices.
But it's incredibly tough not being in contact with your family. It's a really hard situation.

Imchlibob · 21/07/2018 04:47

Give up on ever getting the laptop replaced.
Give up on ever having a functional relationship with your brother.
Do not visit your parents house again - I am not advocating going NC but you need to activate the "my house, my rules" principle and keep all contact on your home turf. The condition for visiting and getting to know their grandchild is that there are no drugs in your house, they don't come around when high or drunk and they don't wear clothes they have been smoking in.

Apehouse · 21/07/2018 04:49

OP, you don’t have to go NC with your parents but you’ll need to set some ground rules (only see your child away from their house, no smoking around child). Everyone is weird in one or other way, so people need not be so judgmental. Wishing you all the best.

Mascarponeandwine · 21/07/2018 05:04

Your dad places your brother at the top of his priority list? Well I would start placing your daughter at the top of yours. Calling you an “ingrate” but not seeing his granddaughter “would kill him”? Why is it all about him and his needs and choices? I would put a very large amount of distance between you and this disfunctional lot.

dailygrowl · 21/07/2018 05:06

I think it's reasonable to expect your brother to replace the laptop (but to be honest I'd be more furious that all the information/work saved on it, not to mention private details are now at risk of being copied by someone else). From now on, always lock up your valuables whenever your brother is around.

However, I think armageddon will come before he ever does. He's a tool (to put it politely) and your parents are only enabling him. They treat you as the black sheep of the family? They are very deluded.

You might wish to reduce your visits to them as the secondhand smoking of weed isn't healthy for your unborn child. You could meet them up for tea in a cafe. When your baby is born, I strongly advise a "no smoking weed, no drugs" rule around your child.

HattieAndHerBoy · 21/07/2018 05:14

OP, forget about the laptop and start to distance yourself from your family. Your baby deserves way better all round.

Would you really leave your child around people who take drugs?

Jghijjjoo · 21/07/2018 05:33

You do whatever you feel is right and what you feel you can cope with. Yanbu to set boundaries around your dd. Indeed, you shoud.

FilthyforFirth · 21/07/2018 06:33

Am shocked you would even consider having your DC around all of this. Why is your family's need to see your child more important than your child not being around drink and drugs? Completely baffling.

NaiceHamble · 21/07/2018 07:12

I'm with dailygrowl - were there any personal banking details, or emails with logins or passwords on there? He's shown an outrageous lack of concern for anyone other than himself, the utter fuckwit.

Hidillyho · 21/07/2018 07:22

So your parents also smoke drugs? Do they smoke it in their house?
I don’t know how you are going to have your baby around any of them when drug use is normalised like this.
I am not against smoking weed (I used to do it but haven’t in a long time) so it’s not an anti weed thing. It’s an anti any drug around a child

DroningOn · 21/07/2018 07:24

Go NC, in a month you be too busy to have time to deal/think about them.

Doesn't sound like they're going to be much support when your daughter arrives, or not support you're going to feel happy and safe about.

Poloshot · 21/07/2018 07:26

It's the rest of them that are the issue. Much better off long term without them having a significant role in yours or your child's life.

Cheerbear23 · 21/07/2018 07:34

Your brother is a liar and a thief - how can they call you an ingrate over that?
Tbh if your family are all weed smokers and drinkers adding a baby to that dynamic isn’t a good mix. As hard as it is I’d forget having a normal relationship with them and I’d tell them exactly why in blunt terms.

Flip

1 2

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.