Getting married to get away from home

[AnyLondoner]

Did anyone here get married young or moved out just get away from home?

I don't have a great relationship with my mother , I feel very awkward around her and I've been through some things that I don't really want to go into details. I carry a lot of resentment towards my mum. It wasn't a great childhood, a lot of shouting, noise, no privacy, constant put downs, no love or affection shown, beatings. So you get the idea, and I'm determined to give my three babies everything that I never had. To be honest, I think this is why I got married so young, at 20 years old. I was just on the phone to my mum today, and I could hear her shouting at my 19 year old sister, I thought to myself glad I'm not a part of that anymore.

[ilovesooty]

I did. It really wasn't a good move but I couldn't see any better alternative at the time.

[Dragongirl10]

I hope you are happy op if thats why you did it ..is your Dh a good man?

[AnyLondoner]

@Dragongirl10 nope, not really, he's moving out soon.

[krustykittens]

I did it and ended up marrying a man just like my abusive stepfather. I was 19. At least I saw the cycle I was repeating and got out before I had kids. I am with a wonderful man now. Don't beat yourself up, OP, if that is what you are doing. My life is good now and my mistakes put me on this path as much as my successes.

[TorviBrightspear]

I don't think you'll be the last. I have an aunt in her 70s who did the same, my dad's dad was an abusive arsehole, very free with his fists, and jealous of his children who looked like they'd do better than the alcoholic waster that he was.

At least she got lucky, her husband was a good man.

[threelittlesoliders]

Yep, me too.

I married at 21, but moved out with him at 16. He's a great man, and dad, but I can't help but think that had I have had a relatively normal family than I probably wouldn't have moved out so soon and got married/had kids so young. I rushed to grow up, to escape my childhood and family. My mother sounds exactly the same as yours, and my father is a nasty abusive alcoholic. However on the plus side.. I've still managed to do better than my own parents.

[Dragongirl10]

Such sad stories, why not just move out alone?

[onlythemoon]

Money dragon

[AnyLondoner]

but I can't help but think that had I have had a relatively normal family than I probably wouldn't have moved out so soon and got married/had kids so young. I rushed to grow up, to escape my childhood and family

Exactly. I think like this sometimes

[DiddimusStench]

Yes at 18. I moved out, using a horribly unhealthy relationship to enable me. Luckily that broke down before marriage and kids came along. It was a very very bad decision for a lot of reasons. However, I totally agree with a PP, it would never have happened if my homelife was stable and I was prepared for the world properly and supported throughout the early part of my life. Whereas before, I totally blamed myself for making poss poor decisions, I now know my parents have a lot to answer for.

[HerRoyalNotness]

Lack of self esteem and confidence being eroded by your parent from day 1 in my case dragon

[LovelyBath77]

Yes, I moved away at 17 to university (Scotland) and never went back, then moved down south at 21. Never looked back. Difficult with parents also, and they split up when I was 14.

[AnyLondoner]

@LovelyBath77 you mean you've never seen them again since you moved out at 17?

[DragonMummy1418]

I sort of did, fortunately my DH is a really good man and my best friend, it worked out really well for us.

[Dragongirl10]

I am curious as to why you would choose to get married so young although completely understand wanting to move out.

I moved out at 18 and went (on a shoestring) to work my way around Australia, as well as the flight, l had saved £250 from weekend jobs and thought l was fine!

But my parents were OK so maybe that has something to do with it....l certainly saw marriage as a trap and loss of freedom at that age, and for many years after, so am intrigued why going from a troubled home life straight into a marriage is appealing.

Although it must be lovely if he is a good one and it all works out.

[LovelyBath77]

Any, no I have seen them, just I moved out then and haven't lived their since- I worked part time for the university and had live in jobs in the holidays, one in a pub, another in a outdoor centre, and then I moved in with my partner when I finished uni- in the other end of the country. I have been self sufficient since 17, yes.

[LovelyBath77]

Sorry mine is a bit more about going to uni than straight into marriage though. Probably easier back in the 90s than today.

[MagnifyingGlassSearch]

I left home at 18 but I never saw getting married as the only way out. I simply left. In fact, I emigrated, I left my country of origin. Never regretted it.

[Bunchofdaffodils]

I left at 18 when I couldn’t take it anymore. Lived in a bedsit on my own. Loved it! Although my lovely boyfriend at the time continued to be lovely so we moved in together after a year and married at 21. Still happy😀

[Succulentest]

I feel as if I’m missing a step in the logic of this somewhere. Why not simply move out of home without marrying?

[Giggorata]

Yes, I married very early first time round, primarily to get away from home. Bad decision.

[Fishlaar]

Marriage was how I got my freedom from my father. It was in 1983 and I was twenty. We had bought a house but weren't allowed to move into it until we were married. It was absolute madness but he was very forceful and controlling. You never went against his wishes without severe consequences. He still tries it on now which is why for all intents and purposes we are NC.

When our daughters moved out before marriage we kept it quiet from him, but oh the horror when one decided to have a baby.

I remember the morning after our wedding thinking how ridiculous the whole thing was as neither of us felt any more commited to each other than we had prior to saying a few words in front of our families but suddenly our whole world had changed.

[midnightmisssuki]

I feel as if I’m missing a step in the logic of this somewhere. Why not simply move out of home without marrying?

Because in some families - asians in particular (in my opnion) - its frowned upon to move out and live alone unless you are married.

[ImGlidingHere]

Yes me. I did it as a result of a childhood with parents who's idea of parenting was to put a roof over my head and give me enough to eat, but who offered no form of guidance, no physical affection and who told me from a young child that I was selfish, and who I was frightened to tell about the sexual abuse I suffered from my Grandfather.

I met a nice, but very weak man in his early 20's when I was 15 and got pregnant after a few months. I had no idea about birth control (this was in the early 1970's) I had no sex education at school and all my mother told me about puberty was that I would start bleeding at some stage and would need to ask her for some towels. I literally thought she meant the type you dry yourself with until I overheard conversations at school. As an aside, but to give context to the lack of parenting, when I did start my periods, she used to put a pack of sanitary towels in my room every month. I would be shouted at if I asked for more, but like most teenagers, I was irregular and therefore didn't change sanitary towels often enough, as I was scared of running out. Eventually I got thrush and spent weeks convinced I had some awful disease until I plucked up courage to go to the doctor on my own. I shudder now to think how I must also not have been very pleasant to sit next to at school.

Anyway, I got pregnant and when I had to tell my parents, they went absolutely batshit and said I had to have an abortion. I was 15, I thought I had no choice as I was so used to doing as I was told. You have no idea how stupid and angry I felt when I realised (years later) that if I had just said no and refused to comply, they couldn't have forced me. To young people reading this, you probably think I'm exagerating, but things were different then. No doctor spoke to me, only to my mother. I was not asked at any time if this was what I wanted, I don't think there was never any idea about having counselling or anything like it back then (and even if there had been, I would have had no idea it existed or known how to get it).

Anyway, I was told if I had the abortion and didn't tell anyone, I could get married when I was 16. So I did. I realised by then that I didn't actually want to get married, but I hated my parents by then so I thought it was my only way out.

It was a disaster of course. We had 2 children, because I desperate to hold a baby, desperate to get over my loss, but of course you can't replace one human with another, so although I adored my children, they didn't heal the pain. Eventually I met someone else. I'm not proud of myself, because I did it all wrong, had an affair, hurt my kids.... I can never mend some of the things that happened as a result of my affair. Anyway, I married the other man and we went on to have two more children. We have been together for over 30 years now, all of my children get on well, despite age differences and despite my older two going through so much pain when I broke up with their father.

Sorry that was so long - I've left an awful lot out but wanted it to make sense.