To ask if my feelings about parenthood are nuts?

[waitingfortheclock]

Name change because this feels pretty touchy – I'm really hoping for some frank insight here – I'm 31 and trying to get my head around the idea of having children or not.

In theory, logically, I'm perfectly ok with anyone's decision on this topic. But when it comes to my own choices, I'm noticing some really strong feelings that I:

a) Don't like (and wouldn't appreciate if I heard someone else say them), and
b) Am not sure aren't just a sign of me being 'messed up' and therefore I shouldn't take them seriously.

Bit of background - I had a bit of a tough childhood; my mother was very depressed as I was growing up and it had a real impact on me as a kid and probably also on my view of what motherhood is like.

And I want to be totally clear that if you have kids, this isn't an attack; I know my feelings aren't 'true' or even rational. But they're there, and I want to deal with them.

I’m now at the age where lots of my friends are having children, and my DP has a DS12, so I’m having something of an insight into what being a parent looks like.

And it’s really that part that’s bothering me – it’s as though in my head, having children is one thing, but being a parent is a different topic.

I see this all-consuming, almost ravenous, gobbling love that parents have for their kids, and rather than finding it a beautiful thing, it almost turns my stomach. It’s like the act of having a child has eaten the person the parent used to be whole, and just left this empty space that can only be filled by the child.

I see a kind of self-important righteousness in a lot of parents too - like having a child is this secret society that makes you better than everyone else, and the world should now rearrange itself around you and your kids because you Had A Child and therefore should come first.

I hear people talk about how getting pregnant and having kids released this hormonal rush that changed everything, and that idea scares me rather than reassures me; that my body would trick me into something that makes no rational sense and would subsume me into a life I wouldn’t have chosen had it not been for a particular chemical combination.

When people ask me if I want kids, I feel worried and angry, and a side of me comes out that’s very unlike me – this sneery defensiveness that takes me by surprise.

I’m scared of losing myself. I’m scared of regretting the decision to have children and the kids I might have noticing that that’s how I feel (this is probably a leftover from my own childhood).

But I’m also scared of letting my own internal bo#%&cks affect a decision that’s really central to so many people’s lives.

And so I’m asking you all, in the knowledge that my own stuff is just my own stuff, if some of this rings true for you? Are my feelings just warped and screwy? Could I be sabotaging my own decision making process? Can anyone help me make sense of my confusion?

AIBVU?

[CharliesSister]

YANBU, I feel exactly the same way.

However our whole personalities are dictated by certain chemical combinations, so I wouldn't worry so much about that. That's just life.

I know plenty of people whose lives are not consumed by their children, and I imagine they felt similarly to you.

Those whose lives ARE consumed by their children, appear to want it that way and are happy with that.

So it's win win, really.

In short, I think the choice is yours. If you want to have a life outside your role as parent, that is completely doable and a very fair and reasonable choice to make, assuming you are providing for your kids.
If you want to be the Mother who lives for her children, that's OK too. (though I often wonder how these parents cope once they're children are grown up).

[lljkk]

Sounds like a self-preservation instinct.
I'm sorry I can't say this kindly: you sound insecure.
You're fine to be child-free, really. Go for it. Don't need to justify that choice to anyone. Doesn't need to mean anything about what other people choose, either.

[Alienspaceship]

I felt exactly like you for a long time. In many ways you are right. Remember
It’s not obligatory to have kids. In the end I did, but I left it late. For me, having kids hasn’t been as bad as I thought it would be.
I’m really pleased you’ve articulated it and put it here for discussion. I was always too afraid to talk about with anyone as even the slightest hints of my feelings were dismissed immediately. I disagree that you sound insecure. You sound honest.

[CharliesSister]

I’m scared of losing myself. I’m scared of regretting the decision to have children and the kids I might have noticing that that’s how I feel (this is probably a leftover from my own childhood).

It's really very rare for people who have children by choice, in a stable environment, to regret it. It's not a death sentence, you said yourself a lot of your friends have kids, so you're not isolating yourself.
I would let go of worrying about your own childhood, that's happened. It sounds like you are more worried that your worry will affect your parenting, rather than an actual reason, if that makes sense?

The rush of hormones you describe is nature's way of making sure we don't hate our babies when they scream or are otherwise difficult. Speaking as a Nanny who can only just hold it together when a baby is screaming without respite, those hormones are essential - else there'd be a lot of abandoned kids.

Have a think if there are any solid reasons you don't want children, you will love them and want them if you do and you are in control of how much they take over you.

[Lifeisabeach09]

OP, you seem to be anxious about something that doesn't need to happen if you don't want. It's completely up to you and your DP if you want to have a child. Try not to let societal pressure get to you also.

From my own experience (and I'm sure most other parents), it is incredibly life-changing and requires adapting to. I don't love being a parent but many do. It's very subjective.

And you are definitely right-it is like joining a club. I feel this is because a person can have a certain understanding about what parenting is about (the trials and tribulations) but one doesn't fully know until they've experienced it themselves. (Sorry if I'm being patronising).

Don't overthink it, OP. And keep in mind if you were to have a child your experience would be different to your DM's.

HTH.

[DameSylvieKrin]

My mother was like this as a parent, she had nothing else in her life and got more like it the more independent we got. She had a meltdown the other day realising that I would have to cross a quietish road with no crossing on my way home. I'm 36.
I'm the opposite as a parent. You can decide how you want to be as long as you are mindful about why you are taking the decisions you are taking.

[wigglybeezer]

If it helps I have observed among family and friends that couples with only one child seem to be able to maintain their own interests and goals outside of parenthood better than those with two or more. They have remained more "themselves" iyswim. I have three, I'm a lost cause! In fact, the one child families sometimes have angst about not feeling like a proper family because they don't feel changed enough.

[WiseUpJanetWeiss]

I get you OP. I don’t understand what those parents mean.

I love my DS very much. In the early days, though, it was a fierce, consuming animal protectiveness. I didn’t feel love at all. It wasn’t until he became a person that I actually felt love and pride. I sometimes wonder whether I would actually love him this much if he hadn’t turned out to be such a wonderful man.

I’ll never know, and I also realise that I may be completely biased about his general awesomeness.

Make the choice that feels right to you. It’s your life.

[annandale]

I do relate to this but not about children. I wanted to have a child, married someone who didn't and found the wish to have a child trumped everything for me. When I finally did have one, it was all rather matter of fact. When he was born, there wasn't a hormonal gush, I was mainly very pleased not to be pregnant any more and aware that I had a job to get on with. I am quite slack as a parent, I tend to assume things will be fine, and have raised a relatively independent child for my era (though rather dependent for say the 40s - my mother is horrified at how bad he is at chopping and sawing wood for example). I love him very dearly but have never been very different from the person I always was. Remember that needy people are likely to have been needy before being parents.

I'm interested in how you feel about your partner's daughter. By all accounts being in this relationship is pretty different from straight parenthood but I don't know. Do you see much of her?

Where I do relate to your feelings is about relationships. I'm a newish widow but already feeling extremely screwed up about even the idea of having another relationship, but also about the idea of never having one. The conflicts in me are so confusing I can barely get a handle on them. I thought I would try some psychotherapy - have you considered that?

Also a thought experiment - if you were pregnant you would want to...?

[WiseUpJanetWeiss]

Oh, and I didn’t change my life utterly for him, and taught him independence. I felt it was my gift to him. I never owned him.

When the registrar said DS and DDIL were married, his DF and I (divorced, but good friends) looked at each other and said “Mission accomplished”. I don’t think this is a wrong thing.

[BertieBotts]

I don't find it all consuming.

I don't love my kids any more than I love my husband or other people in my family. I feel more protective over them because they are little and they are reliant on me, and obviously I'm very closely involved in their lives. But I don't personally feel that the love is any bigger. I'd of course be gutted if any of my children died, but I think that's a combination, of losing anybody who is close to you, of being reminded constantly since their things are all around your house, and then grieving the loss of the life they should have had, the life you imagined for them. And feeling responsible for them must add a weight too.

I don't think it's a hormonal thing which makes it all consuming, more of the physical and practical - it is all consuming when they are very little and need so much constant care and attention, and I think this is where the world revolving around children idea comes from too. Some parents are entitled and so seem to think everything should move around them and when these people have children the same thing applies, but for most people they aren't actually expecting anything, they are just being honest about what they can and can't do.

And yes having one is a completely different lifestyle to having "children" and isn't as all consuming either. I had just one for 9 years and it is a different experience.

[Hooli]

Anandale - your post makes so much bloody sense to me. I felt exactly the same when I had my DS. Very much "right, that's done, what next". No huge rush, no tears, just very matter of fact.

I don't have an all consuming love. I love him of course, but he's not the centre of everything. I only have one though so that might explain something.

The core of me hasn't changed. I still like the same things, I still spend money on myself, I get plenty of me time.

I'm a mum, but I'm still me, which is selfishly why I won't have another child.

[Ohyesiam]

Op, some of your opening post didn’t make sense to me, but I think I get what you’re saying.
I felt too fucked up to have kids for a long time, and worried I would repeat pAtterns from my childhood.
I also had lots of trauma , and really believed I could not have a child , because I couldn’t be responsible for bringing a daughter into a world where rape exists.
I felt that “ all consuming “ thing you talked about.
So I spent a long time working through my trauma and past,( therapy, meditation) and at 36 met an amazing man and immediately thought “ I could have kids with this man”. I totally shocked myself!
But I was right, we’ve been together 16 years, my daughter is 14, my son 12, and apart from the first bit I’ve enjoyed it, been quite good at it, and been a TOTALLY different parent to my parents.

But not having kids is totally valid choice too .
Sorry am rushing to reply to you before I go out, hope I’m
Making sense!

[LaDilettante]

From what you say about being scared of losing yourself and about the hormonal rush sweeping everything, it sounds to me that you're afraid of losing control. I'm guessing that if you've had a tough childhood with a mum who wasn't really there for you, being in control of yourself and your environment is very important to you. The other part about being defensive when you're asked about whether you want to have kids is merely being scared of being judged. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. Some people will pass judgement on your choices. Some people won't. That's just the way it is and in essence if people have a bad opinion of you, sod them.

My daughter was unplanned and in a way I'm glad it happened that way. If I had thought rationally about having a child, it would have scared the shit out of me. It changed my life dramatically and I had to adapt without thinking too much about it. And you know what? It was fine. I love my daughter dearly. She also really winds me up sometimes. I'm not in control of everything most of the time and it's actually easier than battling everything and everyone all the time.

I wish you all the best OP...

[senua]

You described two scenario: your DM's depression and friends' "all-consuming, almost ravenous, gobbling love". They are two extremes. Find somewhere in the middle (like most people!) and you will be fine.

You are describing the pfb syndrome. Most of your friends will grow out of it in time. Enjoy your DC while they are young, because the time does go quickly, but don't over-do it. You sound self-aware which is a good thing and will help you to be a good parent. You want awareness but not navel-gazing!

[wontbedoingthat]

I get what you're saying op. I also feel this way with people and their dogs for some reason. I actually really quite like dogs but people and their dogs turn my stomach and I feel irritable when I see someone love their dog. I then sort of hate dogs. What a weird and stupid thing, eh?!

I have 3 children. I found them great for helping me reconnect with the world around me in many ways. I used to feel very anxious and unconfident just existing in space, having children sort of gives me a reason to do stuff. I have a very loving and kind mum but she was mean in lots of ways that have stayed with me right into adulthood. I know exactly what I don't want to be as a parent. I'll make my own mistakes though I'm sure.
I try not to either boast about nor put down my children in front of others. Neither are nice for others to hear really. I know their good and bad points and my love is unconditional. I do care for them full time whilst they are small but I don't live for them as such. I do very much want them and need them but we are separate people. I know mums who talk of their children as their life. This seems like it can only lead to difficulties as the child grows more independent.
Your feelings and thoughts are valid. I am sure having children will, like for the vast majority of people, turn out to be a positive in your life.

[GettingAwayWithIt]

I never really had feelings towards wanting to have children but my husband was keen to have them. It used to grate on me when people asked when we were starting a family. We were a family. We had a brilliant life just the two of us, had been together eight years, married for four. We had a social life, freedom to travel, and loved spending time with each other. Then last summer, shortly after turning 34, I ended up pregnant (unplanned)

I now have a seven week old. I thoroughly enjoyed being pregnant, which I never imagined I would. I was lucky to have a straightforward pregnancy. The first few weeks of my daughters life I found difficult - she had arrived early, I ended up having an emergency csection, I really struggled with breastfeeding and felt pressure to do it and felt like such a failure when I finally waved the white flag and put her on formula. I've not admitted this to anyone, but I found it hard to bond with her in those first few weeks. On the outside I was a loving, doting mother. Inside I felt a bit detached from her. I couldn't put my finger on what it was that didn't feel right.

She is now seven weeks old and is honestly the best thing that has ever happened to me. Watching my husband with her has made me love him even more. That all sounds a bit gushy but that's just how I feel.

I am still me. I had hobbies. I have friends. I have plans over the summer that don't involve my daughter, and I am looking forward to them. But I am now a Mam too. It's impossible to describe the love you can feel towards a child. You only understand when you have one.

My life would have still been fulfilled if I didn't end up pregnant. I would have still been me, just with a few less responsibilities.

The thought of being responsible for my daughter, teaching her, loving her, bringing her up to be the best she can be, absolutely terrifies me. There seems to be so many things that can go wrong.

[hazeyjane]

This is probably of no use to you whatsoever, but....

My sister and I had shitty childhoods, on the one hand this meant my sister didn't really want kids (this over simplifies things somewhat!) and on the other that I did (with a determination not to be the parents my parents were....and because, well dh......again oversimplified!)

So now I have 3 and am happy, and have some regrets, and sometimes it is hard and sometimes it's fantastic...and my sister has no children and she is happy, and she has some regrets, and sometimes it is hard and sometimes it's fantastic.

Good luck with whatever path life takes you down.

[Amanduh]

You can have an all consuming love for your kids without it ‘swallowing’ you as a person.
My ds is everything to me, I love him fiercely and would protect him with my life. He is THE best thing to ever happen to me. And why shouldn’t he be?! However I still have the same interests. I go to the pub. I go out with friends. I buy shoes and lipstick and talk about mindless celebrity gossip. Some people might change completely and WANT to be a different person. You don’t have to be. Or to have children.
I don’t think this is to do with others. You obviously have a lot of issues to deal with and a decision to make. Only you can decide what is right for you

[VogueVVague]

I think in having kids, many people have a kind of shield or "excuse" for their own shortcomings. You know, they COULD have done x or y, they could have travelled the world or had this amazing job, but handily they had kids so thats that.

Or for many people i think they just didnt know what to do next. I think they kinda had kids because they didnt have much of an idea of what direction to point their life in.

And then of course you just have people who had a real urge and love kids so had them and thats great.

What im saying is i DO think having kids is like this instant fast track non merit based ticket to automatic social status and "worth" in the eyes of the community.

In other words, have kids and your life will get financially and logistically harder (probably also physically). Dont have kids and your life may be existentially and psychologically harder.

[SerenDippitty]

I am sure having children will, like for the vast majority of people, turn out to be a positive in your life.

You can’t possibly be sure of that.

[Beeperbird]

I must admit I worry sometimes that I have let my DS take over - so much of our lives revolves around him now. But I always knew it was what i wanted and I know that it’s my choice to prioritise him.
I think that’s the thing about any major change in your life - new house, job, partner, etc - you make of it and let it change the ‘core you’ as much as you want to! Ultimately you’re in control.
I’m not sure that these hormones that make you full of love for your child exist really, I was more in amazement that I’d actually managed to create a tiny person and then ‘got through’ the first 6 weeks until I got that first smile and he could start responding back. That’s when the love came for me.
It’s obviously your choice if you have kids, but if you do decide to do it know that it’s not like an alien that takes you over... it’s just different and you can decide how different it makes you!

[BuntyII]

Yeah I know exactly what you mean, I was the same. It's like having a baby is an admission to the smug parents that you want their lifestyle. Eventually i decided I can't let other people and how they behave influence my life choices. I have a little boy now and I probably come across as a smug child obsessed parent but I just love him so much and he's such a big part of me that I do go on a bit about him. I'm still me though, I still like the same stuff. I just like some extra stuff now too.

[MadeForThis]

You can be the person you want to be. It's down to you. If you don't want kids that's a perfectly accepted choice. If you choose the be a mum then you can be as obsessive as you want to be.

Yes hormones do influence us but not to the degree that they change us against our will.

I know all types of parents from those who never leave their kids and are immersed in that world to those who are happy to lead a similar life to before with Work and nights out and kids are an addition to this. Both types are fine. The kids are loved.

There are so many styles of parenting and to be fair everyone's just making it up as they go along.