Help me find a bit of space in the morning routine!

[Aranchini]

I need a bit of headspace in the morning. This has always been the case and for me is a non-negotiable as I end up feeling like I'm trapped inside a chaotic whirlwind unless I have a bit of space to get myself ready and prepared for the day. It genuinely makes me feel ill otherwise.
I need around 30 minutes.
Some parents may call this a luxury, I know, and I can understand why, but this is something I genuinely need to be able to function.
DH and DD are both chatterboxes and I find the chatter hugely overwhelming first thing in the morning. When DD was a baby, I moved a chest of drawers and a mirror to the box room just so I could have a bit of peace whilst drying my hair and getting dressed in the mornings. This has worked well for me for the last 3 years, DH kept DD away from the room whilst I was getting ready.
We now have a baby and I've had to move my drawers and mirror back into our room to make space for baby's things. It will eventually be baby's room too.
I am finding the mornings dreadful, besides asking DH a number of times to take DD into her room in the morning whilst I get myself ready.
Obviously not getting a lot of sleep with a newborn so getting up before the DCs wake isn't an option for me right now.
DH is very difficult to get out of bed in the morning so when DD comes in to us, he puts on the TV and snoozes whilst baby cries, DD talks etc. I go to have a shower for 10 minutes, come back and everyone is still piled into our room. DH is usually sitting up in bed at this point and wants to tell me about the neighbours dog, his friend's new car or something else I don't want to think about. I feel claustrophobic as there are way too many of us piled into our room (for me) whilst I'm trying to get ready.
I then end up asking DH 2-3 times to get DD ready in her room or set her up with something to play with in her room whilst I do my hair/get dressed/apply a bit of makeup etc. But by the time I've finsihed he's only just leaving the room to get DD ready, which he could have done whilst I was getting myself ready in peace.
He's always running late so by the time we all get downstairs, he's chaotically pacing around with his bowl of cereal (he leaves the house before I do the school run) and it sends my anxiety through the roof.
I find myself unable to speak or even look at him in the morning as it infuriates me that he can't motivate himself a bit more to get things moving, leading to a calmer morning.
I have asked him quite a number of times now to get out of bed sooner. Sometimes, he will sleep downstairs if baby is awake a lot during the night, then come upstairs in the morning and get back into our bed as I'm getting in the shower. He doesnt see why this is an issue as he does get go work on time despite the chaos as he's leaving, but for me, I'm finding it unbearable. I know it can be a part of what mornings are all about with kids, but I really need to find my 30 minutes of getting ready space somewhere to keep me sane.
Any ideas?
AIBU to expect DH to get out of bed in the mornings as I get ready rather than him having both DCs in our room as I try to get ready myself? Is there an alternative if this is the case?

[BellyBean]

Sounds tough. Could you do your hair and makeup downstairs? Pick your clothes out the night before and head downstairs after your shower.

[JustbackfromBangkok]

When I was working early shifts I used to take everything downstairs the night before and get ready in the living room. DH does the same if he is leaving early.
Would that work?

[dontlikebeards]

I can relate to everything you have said op. I could have written the post myself! I would follow the advice of the pp and get ready downstairs.

[unintentionalthreadkiller]

I get up before everyone so I can get ready and have a coffee in peace.

[Ylvamoon]

I get up early and I have "trained" my kids and DH from day 0 that the first coffee in the morning is peace and quiet for me.
I second the advice given, get ready downstairs, have a special "not now" cup for tea/ coffee = relaxed for the rest of the day!

[GunpowderAndLead]

This is why I used to get up at 5am. Just so I could have some quiet while I did what I needed to do before I was bombarded. It was well worth losing sleep for

[Highhorse1981]

Single mum here

I set my alarm 90 minutes before my children wake! (They wake 7.30/8. My alarm is set for 6)

I love those 90mins!!
I do housework
I do 1/2 hour exercise
I have breakfast
I do admin

Then they appear and I’m full of the joys of spring!

[Popskipiekin]

We used to sort of have this in reverse. DH fancied having a nice leisurely half hour breakfast plus a loo trip, whilst I ran about like headless chicken getting myself ready whilst also getting both DC up and dressed. I was fairly resentful of his time by himself.

He now gets his half hour but he has to get up 15 mins earlier, and his half hour is split in two by some child wrangling.

I appreciate your DH is hard to get out of bed in the mornings, but I also don’t see how you should be the only person getting a daily uninterrupted half hour, at the expense of him sorting DC for you. Surely the only way to get your half hour, and to all have a calmer morning, but with fair division of labour, is for you both to get up much earlier.

[Raver84]

It's tough but you need to get up bwfore the children . I am just like you I hate noise before I've enagged into the day at my pace. I set alway for 5:15 I work out or walk dog til 6, make the sandwiches pop on some washing and sit down with a cuppa before my four get up at 6.30. It's the only way I can be happy in the mornibg as so do it at weekends too. I tend to have a quick 20 min nap after lunch to catch up if I need it when babies sleep. I'm much more productive early.

[RedSkyAtNight]

So you're on maternity leave / a SAHM? Why can't you just drag on something easy to do the school run, and have your "30 minutes in peace" while the baby naps later*

• assuming you have a baby who naps

[Rocinante1]

I agree with you on needing that time in the morning. I couldn't function without it, but I'm a single mum so I get up at 4.30 - exercise for an hour then get in the sauna for 20 minutes, then shower. Those 20 minutes of just sitting and relaxing in the sauna (which used to be a cupboard so it's pretty small but does the job) is exactly what I need. I'm all showered and ready by 6 when the kids get up - then we get on with our morning.

You shouldnt have to get up earlier but maybe try it? Or... just take the duvet off the bed so your OH has no choice. Say you're airing it out.

[Aranchini]

I could get up earlier as you all say but this would have a big impact on my relationship with DH as I would have to be in bed by 8.30/9.00pm to feel half human.
Hes a night owl so currently trying to juggle the odd early night (for much needed sleep) with the odd late one just to get quality time with DH, but still I can't stay up as late as he does as it's often after 12oclock before he's ready for sleep. Ideally, he would go to bed earlier and get up earlier to help us both function better, is this too high an ask? He is constantly exhausted, which is why he struggles to get up in the morning. If he got up at the same time as me, he could actually get around 20-30 minutes to himself before work whilst I make breakfast.
Getting ready downstairs is an option I guess but not an ideal one in my house. O definitely need quiet time first thing in the morning so waiting until after DC has gonw to school ia not an option for me, particularly with a colicky newborn.
I think getting up early is something I need to do eventually, but it will impact on quality time with DH in the evenings without doubt.
DH's reluctance abput going tp bed earlier stems from him hating bedtime as a child, he fully admits that he stays up late because he can and now thinks he should, but the bags under his eyes and his inability to get up says otherwise. I genuinely think that me going to bed much earlier than him will pull us apart.

[Cataline]

So your DH has to juggle both children in the morning whilst getting ready for work himself while you have 'me' time? And you don't actually have to go to work? Apologies if I've misunderstood that.

I think you maybe need to take a step back and consider the wider picture.

Saying that you couldn't get up any earlier to facilitate your quiet time is perhaps a little short sighted- yes it may impact on your quality time with your DH in the evenings but I can't imagine him being too enamoured with your current demands either?

I really feel for you - I struggle in the mornings too but couldn't imagine lumping all of the morning responsibilities on my DH.

[Aranchini]

No! I have DC2 in the room with me whilst I get ready. My issue is that everyone in one room is overwhelming! DH literally just dresses DC1, I do teeth, hair, breakfast, school run etc! Why shouldnt he have 30 minutes with DCs in the morning? It takes him 10 minutes (if that) to get ready and me 30 minutes, plus he gets up later than I do! Then I do the night feeds and I'm at home with a newborn all day, hardly a walk in the park??
Wow. It surprises me how in the modern day it's still frowned upon when the woman isn't taking on every responsibility herself. Quite disheartening to read your post Cataline.

[The8thMonth]

Prepare as much as you can the night before: breakfast set out, lunch done and school bag packed.

Put out DD clothes the night before and start having her dress herself in the morning. Sure, you may need to help a bit, but she will get it eventually.

How old is DD1? My 4 year old (DS2) has a Grow Clock, and when "the sun comes up" (usually 7am weekdays, 8am weekends) he knows he's allowed to come and say good morning to me in my room. If he's extra quiet in the morning before the sun comes up I reward him with a chocolate chip (literally, 1 chip). It works for us. He usually plays quietly or looks at books in the weekday mornings. He dresses himself school mornings. Weekends, he puts cartoons on from 7am.

By then, I'm usually awake and can get him started on breakfast while I have a tea. 4 year old also puts his own lunch and snack in his school bag. He's been doing this since he started nursery at 3 years old. He brings his breakfast dishes to the kitchen to clear the table.

I've baby 3 on the way and my other two DC (DS1 6 years old) need to be doing for themselves so that next year when school starts with the baby, we all get out on time and stay sane.

DH just makes sure that the children do their "jobs" in the morning (dressing, tidy room, make beds, eat breakfast, clear breakfast, put lunch in backpacks). I supervise teeth brushing in the morning, after I've dressed, done makeup and hair. We're out of the house in 50 minutes from the time I get up.

[MrsPreston11]

I'd be pissed if my husband demanded this of me. I think YABU.

I get a quick shower in the morning, get my make up done while DH gets the kids teeth cleaned last thing before we leave.

On a weekend we each have a leisurely bath in the morning while the other watches the kids (read: sits and has a coffee while the kids watch shit telly because it's the weekend)

If you need that time to yourself then you need to get up before the others. That'll be the way to tell how truly important it is.

[MrsPreston11]

Is this a reverse thread? Has to be.

Because I've just read your post again and getting more pissed.

You're annoyed at your DH for not getting DD ready to your standards while you've had a luxurious half hour to do you hair and make up?

And then him having to eat in a rush annoys you?!

[Nikephorus]

I'm a bit about you needing more time than him etc. given your respective roles but that aside, take your clothes, make up etc. downstairs just before you go to bed the night before & then go straight downstairs from the shower without stopping off at the bedroom and then you'll get the peace and quiet and no-one will think to disturb you.
It surprises me how in the modern day it's still frowned upon when the woman isn't taking on every responsibility herself
Bear in mind that he has a fairly large responsibility of going out and earning the money that allows for you to be at home raising the baby instead of having to go out to work immediately & leave it with someone else....

[RedSkyAtNight]

So in the morning DH

• looks after both DC while you have a 10 minute shower
  
• gets DC1 dressed
  
• gets himself ready and off to work (earlier than you need to leave)
  

Meanwhile you

• feed both DC
  
• change (presumably) and dress DC2
  
• brush teeth and hair for DC1
  
• get yourself ready
  

... if you ask DH to do DC1's hair and teeth as well, that seems to be a reasonable split of jobs

... but I suspect still won't give you 30 minutes to yourself.

You didn't reply to why you can't get "properly" ready later in the day, if you want peace and quiet to do it?

[DiplomaticDecorum]

You either get up early or 'get yourself ready' later. Titting around in silence for 30 minutes every morning happened before you had two children, and will happen again in a few years when they can get up and get breakfast themselves.

Right now you need to get up and crack on with it - a bit like you want your husband to do.

[steff13]

Is there a reason why you can't do makeup and hair in the bathroom with the door closed/locked? Personally, I'd have lower standards for "getting ready" if I wasn't actually going anywhere. I work from home, and I never do my hair or makeup unless I have to go to the office. If you took a shower and left the makeup/hair for later, could you head out to the patio and have a quiet cup of coffee or something like that?

[NoSquirrels]

I think the most recent replies are a bit harsh, OP!

You want your DH to take a little more time in the morning in order to give you a start to the day that is less stressful, before you are at home all day with the DC handling everything.

You are already up in the night, and I bet bedtime is full on too. I don't think what you're asking is unreasonable at all. I also get claustrophobic and twitchy if everyone is in my room in the morning trying to talk etc when they should be elsewhere!

I could get up earlier as you all say but this would have a big impact on my relationship with DH as I would have to be in bed by 8.30/9.00pm to feel half human.

Can you not tell him this? Can you not say, I am feeling so overwhelmed by stressful mornings that flow on straight from sleepless nights and I need a bit of respite. Either I need to go to bed at 9pm latest, so I can get up early before the DC wake up, or you need to be up by X o'clock so that I can take 20 minutes downstairs. Which do you think would be best?

Your DH might go out to work but he presumably has thinking space /time to himself on his commute, and it's full on being with 2 DC at home so I think he could compromise.

[NoSquirrels]

Alternatively - can you do your hair and makeup in the bathroom, or can you put a mirror on the wall in baby's room and share the space there - how much stuff do you need to store in a chest of drawers? If having another "room of one's own" is important, the baby can always share with DD1 when the time comes...

[BrutusMcDogface]

I can't see a solution, as every solution that's offered won't quite work for you! I do think yab a bit unreasonable.

[FizzyGreenWater]

Sounds like even getting ready as much as you can in the bathroom would help. Appreciate hair not so easy but how about - take clothes and make-up bag into shower, dry there, deodorant etc., do makeup, get dressed? And do what hair stuff you can, towelling dry, combing etc. Locked away from everyone!

Aside from that - yes it DOES sound as if everyone would benefit from earlier bedtimes. Your DH sounds very badly organised - late nights, always tired, totally not able to have any motivation in the mornings as a result. I'd be thinking less of how you need to think about not impacting on alone time with DH by going to bed earlier, but how NOT going to bed earlier is negatively impacting both of you all the time (you say you can barely look at him - not good!)