To tell DCs to lie

[GoldingGold]

Hope you’re all having a good morning,
So my family recently went on holiday for DDs birthday. It was a domestic holiday and DD wanted to go there all year. The problem was that the DDs school is very strict on holidays during the school term. Especially during year 6 which DD is in. I told DH when we were planning the holiday that we should do it during half term or Easter break however DH complained that it was too expensive and would be nicer for DD to spend her birthday over there.

The last time we asked to take our older DC out of school for a holiday a few years back they told us that we weren’t allowed, so we had to change the date. DH decided to book the holiday on a Wednesday and leave on a Sunday. The problem was that DH thought instead of asking for DD to have a few days off for a holiday he would call in and say she is sick each day.

The older DCs who are now in high school had no problem when we asked if they could have 3 days off school. I personally believe that although the primary school is rather strict on attendance they would’ve most likely let DD take 3 days off as her attendance was 100% before the holiday.

DH told me that I could only tell close friends and family about the holiday and none of the families could post any pictures on social media . The holiday went well however it would’ve felt much better without the having to worry about DDs school. DD now also has to hide the fact that she went on holiday and pretend she sick. She unable to tell any of her friends until half term where she will lie and say she went on holiday then.

The feel the whole thing is a terrible lesson to teach our children. I feel like going into the school and confessing to the teacher about what happened as DH behaviour has been disgraceful and so has mine for going along with the whole thing. The DCs education is so important and calling in sick while on holiday just gives the DCs the wrong impression imo. The In-laws seem to think that DH did nothing wrong and it’s the schools fault for being so strict. I told my mother and she thinks I should go in and tell the school so that DD can learn a lesson about telling the truth. My head is all over the place. The worst part for me is year 6 is the most important year in primary school, DD will be taking her Sats in a few weeks. I have told DH I will never do anything like this in the future and if the school won’t allow us to have a day off for a holiday we will just have to do in during the school break.

[havanagilahava]

Don't go and tell the school now - there's no point.

Just make clear to your kids that it was a one off and don't do it again.

[BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack]

Well I guess for your DH the worry was if you did ask for the 3 days and they refused then it would be game over.

Year 6 isn't the most important, SATS aren't for the kids benefit, it's all for the schools, lots of completely unneccessary pressure for all.

Asking your DD to tell lies isn't ideal of course but unfortunately sometimes if you want an affordable break it's a neccessary evil. I used to take my DS out of school for a week every year in primary but didn't once he went to secondary. This nanny state is crazy.

[fleshmarketclose]

If you were only going to need two days absence then I'd have told the school and the absences would have been unauthorised. Can't say I get that worked up about term time holidays anyway though. I wouldn't ask my children to lie though and would have paid any fine instead.

[BigPinkBall]

My parents did this once but somehow my form tutor found out and just as I was leaving registration said I hope you have fun at Alton Towers tomorrow with a wink, I think as long as the teachers don’t “officially” know they won’t care, don’t make a big deal out of it and if anybody picks up on it just say you went over Easter and your dd must have got the dates mixed up.

[Sirzy]

Asking your kids to lie isn’t good.

Telling your kids pretending to be sick so they can stay off school is ok isn’t good.

I hope the holiday was worth the stress the lies are causing you! Next time just tell School they won’t be in and why.

[MinaPaws]

Everybody lies. No one gets through life without telling lies. Most people don't get through a day without telling lies. the important thing for DC to learn is when lying is damaging and when it is a reasonable method of dealing with unreasonable circumstances. I think school holiday rules are ridiculously unreasonable and so wouldn't be too worried about telling white lies to get neither the school nor DC into trouble over days missed. But I'd explain that lying about what other people have done to get them into trouble or lying about what you've done so someone else takes the blame is morally wrong. There are white lies and lies. It's good to know the difference between the two.

[MumofBoysx2]

I wouldn't lie to the school personally.

[ilovesooty]

I don't see any way in which this is a white lie.

Your husband's actions were disgraceful because he's caused both you and your daughter to be upset. He should simply have advised the school of the intended absence of he was set on booking then.

[mumofmany81]

I would have just sucked it up and paid the fine for taking them out of school. We took ours to Florida and it was the first holiday they had gone on in 9 years and first ever in school time. I wouldn't have ever thought to make the kids keep a secret about something they were so looking forward to and we also shared a million pics on Facebook. It would have spoiled the holiday to try and keep it all a secret

[GoldingGold]

It really bothered me through the whole holiday. I feel DH just doesn’t care about the DCs education. He didn’t even think it would be a good idea for the DC to do a bit of school work while they were off. He said it would ruin the holiday. I don’t like lying. Even if it’s a white lie I just don’t feel comfortable doing it and telling my kids to lie is even worse, especially to their friends and teachers. I feel like I will lose the respect I have from the DDs teacher if they somehow end up finding out.

[GoldingGold]

mumofmany81 exactly how I feel about having to keep it all a secret. It would be nice if the DC were able to show their friends how much fun they had during the holiday. They now have to wait till the end of half term. The whole thing is just silly.

[ghostyslovesheets]

The worst part for me is year 6 is the most important year in primary school, DD will be taking her Sats in a few weeks

aren't they this week? Starting today

[orangetreesinspring]

I think there are 2 separate issues here:

The lying- I agree with you, I don't think it's fair to ask children to lie to their friends and their teachers. It's sending them a bad message that it's ok to lie if you gain something from the lie. It's also potentially making them feel shame and guilt over something that isn't their fault.

If your Dh is happy with his decision for them to miss school he should own that and be honest about it and make sure the kids and school know any fall out is on him and not them.

Missing school for a holiday and not doing school work - here I agree with your Dh. Your children's childhoods are about so much more than X number of days sat at school. Family holidays are an important part of their lives and building relationships with their family and experiences they won't get at school. This has value and missing school for that is a valid parental decision to make imo.

[OreoMini]

I don’t see a massive problem with it. It was a few days. It didn’t hurt anyone.

[Loandbeholdagain]

I wouldn’t worry too much. I wouldn’t ask my child to lie but I would happily tell the school and let them give unauthorised absence. Just let it go. Anything you do now will just make it worse. Try not taking to stress about it. You aren’t the first and won’t be the last.

[LittleLionMansMummy]

I can't get worked up about taking a few days during term time for a holiday. No, it's not ideal, but it really makes very little difference to their education which can't be remedied by ensuring they read and do some maths on holiday. But I agree that getting your dd to follow your lead and lie is a terrible lesson. We agreed a long time ago that if we ever believed it was necessary to take the dc out of school for a holiday, we would be honest about it and take the financial hit and the slap on the wrist rather than expect the dc to lie.

It's done now though op, yes you feel terrible, but nothing will be gained from coming clean at this late stage. Tell your dd your were wrong to lie and to ask her to lie and that adults sometimes make mistakes too. Leave it there.

[balsamicbarbara]

The feel the whole thing is a terrible lesson to teach our children

I think it's a great lesson to bring them up to speed with how arbitrarily authoritarian schools can be with their policies and that sometimes violating such "norms" is totally fine and without long term consequence. I wouldn't have lied though, that's the tricky bit, just say what you're doing, ignore their complaints and pay the fine if there is one. No guilty conscience that way.

[FranticallyPeaceful]

Bloody hell its a holiday, it’s not like they were taken out to be laced with drugs and alcohol. Don’t give your kid anxiety.
Unless your DD is badly behind, then it honestly doesn’t matter, and to be honest a holiday of not worrying during this time is likely to be more beneficial for her

[BanginChoons]

I'm calling my kids in sick for 2 days before half term.. the holiday cost me half as much, I couldn't afford to go at half term price.
I won't be asking them to lie though. They won't know they are missing school to go until the day before we go, and it's tagged onto half term anyway.

You haven't committed the crime of the century, school is great for the kids education, but they can also learn plenty by experiencing things with their family.

[category12]

You could have been refused permission and still taken them anyway with the school's knowledge. Not sure why you've gone to such lengths.

[Wakemeuuuup]

OP, do you realise your daughter is sitting her first 2 sats today?

[Louise56]

SChools are very tiresome about holidays, but I think it is asking too much of your daughter to expect her to lie about it, even to her friends. it seems rather stressful. I know I wouldn't have been able to keep it to myself at that age.

[Hoppinggreen]

We have taken the dc out if School for an odd days Holiday, always ask permission but never got it and never been fined either
I would never lie about it though, it’s totally unfair on the child.
However, if OP doesn’t know that Sats start today this all sounds a bit odd

[WomaninGreen]

TL:DR

you lied to the school and feel guilty?

don't worry. Schools are bizarre about this kind of thing. Just let it go!

[RidingWindhorses]

Don't teach your kids to lie full stop. It's really immature.

What you think about the rules about school holidays is irrelevant.