To think if you can't go to both, don't go to either?

[OverTheMountain42]

Long long backstory to this, with lots of unreasonable behaviour by DS paternal family and I think this is the absolute final straw for me.

DS had birthday in December, we went to where his paternal family mostly live, and the ones who don't are happy to travel there for birthdays and Christmas. We had planned over a weekend days out for DS for his birthday and let all paternal family know this, said to them to come as they were for his birthday. He couldn't have a party there as we don't live there and it is too far to expect any friends to travel, they would have to spend a night. Anyway, over his life not one member of his paternal family have bothered to come and do anything with us for DS birthday, even when we went to their town.

This evening ex fil has called, he has said DS cousin is having a birthday party in a few weeks, asked if we could come, there has been a falling out with this cousins parents for their nasty treatment of DS, I said no. Ex fil then tells me how he is flying over (8 hr flight) and his ex wife DS grandmother is also making a 2 hr flight for this child's birthday. At this point I did lose it a little and state that I was extremely pissed off as they have never done this for DS. He then said that with his work it works out he can come for other DC birthday but that his holiday doesn't fall near my ds.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking it isn't my ds fault when his birthday is and that it doesnt fall with his holidays, these grandparents have never attended anything around DS birthday so it is clearly unfair that they would for their other grandchild?

Both children are the same age, 3 months apart. It just smacks to me of how this other child is favoured far more by his parental family.

[doesthislookoddtoyou]

you're saying that because the granpdparents can't take holidays for your kids birthday, they shouldn't go to another grandchilds birthday when they can get holidays?

yabvu. you have a really weird attitude, and you might look to yourself as to why people don't come on days out with you.

[DeathStare]

It's a shame. But if he's an 8 hour flight away and genuinely can't get holiday near your DC's birthday then I'm not sure what you expect him to do. It's not like he can just nip by after work. And asking him to risk his job by going when leave hasn't been authorised isn't very fair.

[Plumsofwrath]

YABVU

If FIL doesn’t have holiday around your DS’s birthday, how do you expect him to come? And you want him to not go to the other grandchild’s birthday which does fall during his holiday?

[ghostyslovesheets]

quite frankly you are being a bit ridiculous

your child's birthday isn't a royal command performance or a group activity - stop making it such a big deal by expecting everyone to be enthused by it

They had work then - now they don't - no big deal really

[FitBitFanClub]

God, you sound like hard work. Of course your son can't help when his birthday is, but presumably your fil can't help when his holiday falls either.

[PeerieBreeks]

Have a family party for your DS when they are over. See if they come to that..

[LipstickHandbagCoffee]

Dearie me,you are being v unreasonable.you could accommodate the fil visit but you don’t want to

[lazydog]

If you feel ex-fil is lying about not being able to come over near your ds's birthday, then YANBU. But if you've no reason to believe that he's being untruthful, and you really are thinking that he shouldn't go to the birthday he can attend, just because he can't make your ds's birthday, then YABU. I'd say that's very petty and harsh.

[OverTheMountain42]

But this is the thing, even when we have tried to arrange things when they are here, it doesn't happen because it's apparently too late so a bit silly to be classed as 'birthday', this was 3 weeks later.

As I say there is a long backstory to all of this where I have been told that the family have been pretty horrendous.

[Bluedoglead]

You do sound very angst about your Ds and fall out with a lot of people,over how they treat him.

[DianaPrincessOfThemyscira]

I think people are making a lot of assumptions that the FIL isn’t able to request holiday time to suit him.

If he genuinely can’t, then OP IBU. If he can, but he doesn’t - ever - then OP INBU.

This happens a lot on here, people upset that parents or in laws seem to lavish attention on cousins - difference here is that OP has called out the FIL?

[BoomBoomsCousin]

I can kind of see your point. Growing up my (largely absent) father managed to come and visit my brother and me every year but one on my brother's birthday. He didn't manage to visit once for my birthday a month later. It was because of the way he arranged his leave (I didn't realise at the time, but he was in the country around my brother's birthday because of an annual sporting event that fell a few days before).

His excuses about it were pathetic. Just the once and it would have been reasonable, but year after year and never a nod to my birthday a month later was deeply hurtful and clearly unfair. Obviously, a father is different from grandparents, but it's still family and the principles are still there.

So although as a one-off you're being unreasonable, if there is lots of stuff like this then I see your point, though I would phrase it more as - "If you can manage to do something special for one, do something special for both".

[HotelEuphoria]

If these are ex-in laws why are you so invested? Can't you just leave it up to the child's father to get involved.

[Beeziekn33ze]

OP Sounds as if you're better off without seeing those GPs. DS probably prefers being with his friends from where you live anyway.

[Notonthestairs]

How old is your DS and how bothered is he about his relatives?

[RadioGaGoo]

If they can't or won't make an effort with your DS, then there is no need to have them in your lives. It sounds like they don't play a huge part in DS's life. Life's to short to bother with them.

[cakegoblin]

This is a bit complicated to understand but from rereading I think you're saying that the other members of the family didn't bother to come on a day out you planned even though you were in their area - which is thoughtless and lazy if it's for their nephew's birthday unless they had good reason to miss it. Christmas is a tricky time of year.

Separate issue though: your ex-FIL is coming over soon on an 8-hour flight on the pretext of coming to one of his grandchildren's birthday party - but really someone making that effort wants to see all their family in one trip at that point - and has asked you to come along so that he can see you all - the ulterior motive is not actually unkind, is it? I get why you feel affronted but try not to pass this on to your son as he probably really loved his day out with you, and by voicing your own resentment you're going to make him feel like his birthday wasn't as good as his cousin's. People can't come to everything. Go to the family meet-up (because that's what it is), smile and tell everyone you loved your birthday day out and wouldn't it be great if they could make it next year.

[londonrach]

Yabu. You sound abit strange with your comment if you cant go to both dont go to either. Thats not how life works. Its a birthday not a court summons. Life happens. Next year it might be the other way!

[WooWooSister]

It's UR to expect them not to attend the other party because they couldn't make your DS'.
If getting them to attend parties has always been a problem then either stop inviting them or say to them that you'd like them to see DS more and ask how you can facilitate it. But I imagine their answer to the latter would be by bringing him to the cousin's party . . .

[yikesanotherbooboo]

Sorry OP, I'm a bit confused too. Birthdays are for a fun day for the birthday child with their friends , parents and sibs and possibly any very handy GPS or cousins. They are not destinations worthy of organising arrangements around for anyone other than parents or possibly siblings.let everyone do their best rather than comparing contact time which is what it sounds like. Everything isn't a competition. Sorry if I've misunderstood.

[YellowMakesMeSmile]

YABVU, they aren't doing anything wrong. Should they never be able to visit anybody else?

However it's becoming clear as to why they don't want to spend time with their sons ex. If they want to see their grandchild he should arrange.

[AgnesBrownsCat]

They probably don’t like you . Do you let them see him without you present ?

[OverTheMountain42]

They can see him without me present, I'd rather they did but they insist on me being there.

They also call me more than their son because they know they are more likely to get to see DS.

However all of this doesn't stop them favouring the other GC, and I am quite antsy over how he is treated because for almost 4 years I've seen him be emotionally bullied by these people. As I say there is a huge back story to this and the worst treatment has come from the parents of the other GC. Although his own grandmother cropped DS out of a photograph that I had taken of him with her mother, and it isn't the first time he's been cropped out of photographs, but apparently that's funny.

I guess my issue is there have been so many incidents and I haven't dealt with them properly so now I'm acting unreasonably about things that aren't so bad. If I could make it so he didn't see them again, I would. Perhaps I should just stop making it so easy by cutting my contact and leaving his dad to do it, that would cut a lot of their contact.

[thecatsthecats]

Ugh, I've said it before and said it again, but CHILDREN DON'T NEED GRANDPARENTS. Or cousins, aunts, uncles, whatever. It is great when kids do have loving and supportive relationships with adults, young old, other children, but these don't have to come in the form of blood relatives. Children don't feel the lack of these relationships as long as they have lots of positive ones in their lives. I personally give exactly 0 damns about the aunts and uncles I never see vs the ones I am close to.

A lack of interest in a physically (and presumably emotionally) distant uncle or aunt will do your child no harm whatsoever as long as you don't share your angst about it. So let it go, and give that time to the people in your life who bring you joy.

[SanFranBear]

I just wanted to say about how three weeks later is too late to celebrate your DSs birthday.

My DS has an awkward Xmas time birthday so I threw his party two weeks ago - yes, almost two months late but meant his friends could come as most have family commitments over Xmas.

You could do the party, or not, but there is no reason you couldn't arrange a meal out or something similar with FIL to celebrate yours DSs birthday as well?