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So apparently this is my problem now according to DH

(45 Posts)
ManyFloralBlouses Sat 03-Feb-18 18:07:57

Many of you might recognise this back story so apologies.
Dh fell out with his dsis after the birth of our dd. His mum was trying to sort things out and got kind of desperate I supposed dragged me into it blamed me for the rift when the rest of the family acknowledged it was all Dh’s Sister.
Anyway his Mum lashed out at me a couple of times, ignored me on my wedding day etc but final straw was her ignoring our ds when he was seriously ill in hospital at that point I knew I could not be civil with her anymore so since then she’s seen the kids with Dh once a fortnight.
She’s asked a couple of times to Dh was the problem is but he’s not got into it with and she’s not contacted me. She addresses cards to the 3 of them not me and it feels like I’ve played into her hands I’m out of the picture for her essentially.
The wider family would only know her story as since Dh fell out with sis we cannot go to family parties as we were warned she wouldn’t be happy if we went.
I’ve just said to Dh the situation as it stands makes me feel resentful that it’s neber been tackled and his response was I’ve got to deal with it all. If my mum had treated my spouse and children the way she has I would have sorted this whole thing out instead it’s festered into another big mess.

altiara Sat 03-Feb-18 18:14:33

I’d say if she can’t be civil to you, then don’t she doesn’t get to see your children. And I wouldn’t be happy with DH not standing up for you, he should call out her behaviour not pretend you’re not part of his life.

Mummyoflittledragon Sat 03-Feb-18 18:18:07

Who wouldn’t be happy if you went to family parties - your mil or sil? And who cares? You as a family and not being ostracised, you’re staying away for a person, to whom you owe nothing. As for your dh felling you to deal with it, how would he react if you told him he’d have to start going to see his mother alone? Afterall why should your children be subjected to a woman, who doesn’t respect or care for them or their mother?

ManyFloralBlouses Sat 03-Feb-18 18:21:17

His sil couldn’t be Civil at parties.
So Dh decided that we wouldn’t go the big Xmas parties etc when they initially fell out which means that his aunt etc have never met our dc so we get bday cards for them saying ‘would love to be able to meet you one day’ so they must assume that it’s me stopping us going whenit wasn’t and obviously now I’m nc with mil it plays nicely into the narrative of nightmare dil- I’m the fall guy

Love51 Sat 03-Feb-18 18:24:59

If you are invited to a party at aunt's house, go. If his his doesn't like it, she can leave. If you are invited by the host, you can go.

ManyFloralBlouses Sat 03-Feb-18 18:25:53

I might have in the past but not seen anyone them in over 3 years I wouldn’t be taking kids on my own.

Throughtheforest Sat 03-Feb-18 18:26:05

Contact the aunt and invite her round for lunch and to meet dc. You can establish a relationship with other members of the family, can't you?

ManyFloralBlouses Sat 03-Feb-18 18:29:25

He’s asking what I want?
What I wanted was it never to escalate to this. Going forward I cannot see a resolution.
I have it out with his Mum then what we’re never going to be friends she’ll still blame me and treat our kids differently to her other grandchildren.
I stop her seeing the kids then Dh resents me.
I put everything out there and explain my side of the story to rest of family and I look like I’m stirring up trouble.
Or stay as things are and slowly become eaten up with resentment over how I’ve become the scapegoat.

KarmaStar Sat 03-Feb-18 18:29:27

Your dh needs to stand up to his family.cutting you out and him allowing it is not acceptable.

AtrociousCircumstance Sat 03-Feb-18 18:29:35

Your DH should:

Stand up for you.

Tell his mother she needs to be civil to you or she won’t be able to see the kids.

Make his wider family aware that you were angry with her because she didn’t give a shit when your DS was ill.

He needs to take responsibility.

He sounds as bad as the rest of them at the moment.

gillybeanz Sat 03-Feb-18 18:29:55

Go and see the family you haven't fallen out with and certainly don't let your dc anywhere near your mil as she can't be trusted.
If my dh behaved like this he'd soon be an ex dh tbh.
Why isn't he sorting it out?

Idontdowindows Sat 03-Feb-18 18:30:05

What is the issue? What they might feel? Bugger that for a game of soldiers. Your MIL's feelings don't count.

Why not invite those who have shown an interest in your children and get in contact with them and establish relationships with them?

Springtrolls Sat 03-Feb-18 18:30:10

Gp to the invites. If sil has issues that’s her problem and she can remove herself. You have already said his family know it was her thats at fault.

Chugalug Sat 03-Feb-18 18:32:44

Your dh is the problem.he can't stand up to his mum...he needs to tell her ,she treats you with respect or else dosnt see any of you

babyccinoo Sat 03-Feb-18 18:39:45

Contact the aunt and invite her round for lunch and to meet dc. You can establish a relationship with other members of the family, can't you?

This ^.

ManyFloralBlouses Sat 03-Feb-18 18:43:50

Dh did pull her up when she shouted st me prior to our wedding but not since. I think he was as upset as me that his mum didn’t seem to care when our ds was so ill but he didn’t badmouth her to me even and never said a word to her. For the most part she was civil with me bar the shouting before the wedding and ignoring me on wedding day but it’s me who now cannot be civil with her since her indifference to ds being ill I couldn’t bite my tongue any longer and took myself out of the equation.
But by doing that it suits her much more she gets Dh and dc to herself without me I even go out so Dh isn’t dragging the kids out as she can only see them on a certain evening. I’m such a mug

babyccinoo Sat 03-Feb-18 18:51:24

Stop leaving your own house to facilitate her visits!!

If she wants to see DS, DH should take her to see him at a time convenient to you and DH,

She knows you leave the house and is loving the power, put a stop to it right now!

Idontdowindows Sat 03-Feb-18 18:52:33

Stop leaving your house. If your husband wants to see his mother and disregards the damage she is doing, then he can go visit her.

Tistheseason17 Sat 03-Feb-18 18:57:14

This is sooo wrong.
Your DH should be backing you.
My DH said he'd go mental if his mum did this.
You are the mother of his children.
If he doesn't agree to sort it he can see his mother without your DC. Bang out of order.
End. Of.

Originalfoogirl Sat 03-Feb-18 19:00:37

Yes, you are a mug. Contact the Aunt and go and visit her. If your MIL wants to see the kids, she has to be civil to you in your own home, or be more available for your husband to take them to visit her.

If he says it is up to you, lay down these rules and he can deal with his mum to make them work.

Livelovebehappy Sat 03-Feb-18 19:04:56

Life’s too short for this sort of drama. If it was me, I would arrange to meet up with your mil and sil on neutral ground and just discuss everything like adults. Maybe all three of you haven’t behaved brilliantly in all of this, so it’s just a case of getting things off your chest and drawing a line under it, and then start afresh. I can guarantee you will feel 100% better afterwards, and then you can decide how much contact you have with them. Maybe it will just work for you by just seeing them all on special family occasions. Otherwise the whole thing will just continue to eat away at you for however many years. If you stop your dc from seeing her, you will be happy at first, but how long before you then start feeling resentful at your DH seeing your mil?

Bramble71 Sat 03-Feb-18 19:07:04

Crikey, your hubby sounds like a wimp! Sorry, but it's his responsibility to stand up for you and speak to her. He's a married man, not a teen still living with his mam. I'd be bloody furious in your position. I'd probably be sending any cards back saying this 'family' is not known at this address etc. I can be a bit of a cow at times!

Please don't be forced out of your own home when she's there. The kids are yours, too. Get in touch with the family who do want to see you & your kids and form a great new relationship with them. If you're invited to a do, go. Your MiL has to learn that you won't give in, and if she does badmouth you in front of others, don't be scared to loudly tell the truth about what happened in the first place, how she's treated you since, how she ignored her poorly grandchild. I know it might feel like sinking to her level, but others need to know what she's like.

NewYearNewMe18 Sat 03-Feb-18 19:12:07

altiara I’d say if she can’t be civil to you, then don’t she doesn’t get to see your children.

The MIL can see her sons children. This ridiculous manta on MN that children are somehow owned by the mother, even if married or PR is in place, that the mother dictates who they may see in the wider family, is , frankly absurdly ridiculous.

But back to the OP - if your partner hasn't got your back, then you haven't got a relationship worth having.

ManyFloralBlouses Sat 03-Feb-18 19:17:59

He wants me to a make s decision of how to go forward.
I feel like mil should have tried to reach out to me and then we could have discussed all this but obviously it does suit her as it all stands atm so why would she.
I wish it had been sorted in the first place. I need to process what my next move should be but something needs to happen dc are noticing that I’m never around when they see mil so they will ask questions at some point.

StaplesCorner Sat 03-Feb-18 19:20:22

if your partner hasn't got your back, then you haven't got a relationship worth having


The problem is being enabled by your DH, he is the problem.

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