To ask how often you would see family regarding circumstances

[BrokenPogoStick]

More of a WWYD.

DH and I have moved from London down to Devon. We bought the house a couple of years ago but have been working on doing it up as it was quite dated. So we are finally moving everything in now and plan to be living there properly by the end of the month.

My DM moved down about 6 months ago from Birmingham. She was looking to move houses and I mentioned how nice it was here, not really expecting her to move but she did. So she now lives about 20 minutes from us and DGM care home is a further 15 minutes from DMs house so I see them a few times a week, we’ve always been very close and we have Sunday dinner together and I take the kids down after school some days.

DF and his family live just under 3 hours away and we see them once a month at bed, once ever two months at least. This is because he makes an effort to come down and see us one month so we do the next and three hours isn’t too much of a drive for us.

However, DH’s family live 8 hours away and it’s becoming a bit of a problem. His family refuse, point blank, to travel down to see us meaning we have to cart our children on a 8 hour journey where they then won’t let us stay in their house and we have to pay for a hotel. DH is starting to say that I’m deliberately not seeing his family but seeing mine all the time.
I’ve said we could travel to them possibly every 6 months, and then they could come down during the summer for a week or so when the kids are off school so it doesn’t interfere with our routine. I’d be happy to see them more if they travelled down.
To be fair to DPIL they understand why we don’t see them but would like to see us more. But then won’t make any effort on their part. DH misses his family which is completely understandable and I’ve suggested he go up and visit them for a weekend or so and DM can help me with the kids but he said that his family would want to see their DGC.

I’m at a loss of what to do, I don’t know if I am seeing my family too much. But we’ve always been very close so I don’t think I am. And then I’m unsure if I am BU to not visit his family more but annoys me that they expect us to travel up but won’t come and see us.

Anyone been in the same shoes? How do I areas it with DH.

[DempseysTightyWhities]

It shouldn't be all on you. They need to make some effort.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Your suggestion that DH goes up to visit his family seems reasonable to me. If they were that keen on seeing their DGC they'd be prepared to travel to do it, surely? Or at least put you up (or contribute to the cost of your accommodation if their house isn't suitable)? I am assuming there isn't a practical reason why it's harder for them than for you to travel, eg no direct public transport routes and they don't drive. If there is such a reason, then... well, you've offered a compromise.

It's no good DH moving to one end of the country and then moaning that he doesn't see much of the people who still live at the other end. I again make the wild assumption that you didn't force him to move at gunpoint...

[Poshindevon]

YANBU. Why did you buy the house in Devon if your husband was going to miss his family so much? Did he not understand that his parents would be 8 hours a way? Or was the distance going to dissapear when you moved in? He is being childish.
Your mother made an effort to move to be near you.
Instead of waiting for PIL to visit invite them as if it were a special occaision.
I do think you should visit the PILs but your husband needs to stop whining about you seeing your family more than his, he is being unreasonable.

[Floralnomad]

If he wants to take the children to see his parents one weekend a month / every 6 weeks then let him , you don’t have to go as well .

[BrokenPogoStick]

Thank you.
They both drive so they would be fine to drive down to us. And he was the one who wanted the move more, he’s never been extremely close to his family but it all seems to have hit him since he’s moved down, which I understand, things are different in practice than in theory.

He can drive up to them whenever he wants with the elder DC but I’m BF youngest. He also has said that he doesn’t think he’d be able to travel on a 8 hour journey alone with 3 children which I do understand. But he’s just giving me no other option.

I might ring DMIL and just ask if it’s bothering her that we don’t see her, are there anyways we can work around it etc?.

He’s a lovely man other than this, and we very rarely argue. I think the move has been quite hard on him as we’ve practically left all family and friends except for my DM and DGM who live closely. He hasn’t made very many friends around here but I’ve assured him that’s because we haven’t had chance to socialise due to moving. Once we’re settled we can have weekends out, go to playgroups with dc etc and make friends there.

[Floralnomad]

I wouldn’t ask his mother because what are you going to do if she says she wants to see you once a month , keep out of it , he should be capable of taking his own children away for a weekend .

[MagicWillHappen]

So how often does dh want to visit his family?

Dh's family live a ten hour drive from us and visits are very much a twice annual occurance, we go there once and they come to us once.

We usually go for 3 or 4 nights as it's a long way. But by the time you count a couple of hundred quid for the hotel, petrol, meals...it's not cheap. Certainly not something we would think of doing every few weeks!

If you see your family more op, that's just the way it is as they're close. I don't think yabu.

[Snowysky20009]

This may sound blunt, but he chose where to live too, he can't complain now.

[BrokenPogoStick]

He said at least every 2 months. I told him that’s not going to happen, we’ve got 4 young children. As much as I see DF every month we only travel up every 2 months, stay for a weekend and the journeys only 2 hours. Whereas if we saw his family every 2 months it would mean driving ourselves, 8 hours which is in all honestly too much for the kids to do straight, we would need breaks so it would take longer to get there. We wouldn’t be able to do it in school time so would have to be in holidays. But even then the kids’ lives would just be full up of seeing family in their time off and not doing anything fun for them.

I’ve told DH that once every 6 months if fine for us if he wants us to go as a family. He’s more than welcome to take himself up whenever he likes and the children if they want to go, don’t have scjool, aren’t ill etc. And his family can see us whenever they like if they come down to us. So just up to him now.

[girlywhirly]

The PIL sound a bit lazy, they don’t want to make the effort to travel, but when you go to them they don’t want to have you stay in their home.

Living hours from family and not being drivers never stopped my aunt and uncle getting trains to visit them. We used to travel to them and stay, it’s a two way thing. Of course it’s not surprising that you see more of the family closest in distance to you, DH is being silly about that. He can visit his parents with the DC if he wants, I think he knows that they are being awkward and wishes they would make the effort. It must be a bit envy provoking when he sees how close your DP’S are and the effort they go to compared to his.

[Babyroobs]

Are they in good health, is there any reason they can't travel? Did moving to Devon mean you move a lot further from them ? I think these are all factors to consider. We lived a four hour journey from my in laws and it was too much for them to put us and our four kids up so we used to end up staying in a travel lodge and it was tricky, so ended up going less and less frequently.

[Knittedfairies]

Could you meet your PILS half way, literally? You're not 'allowed' to stay with them anyway, so paying for a hotel room 4 hours nearer your home wouldn’t be a problem.

[Crumbs1]

Every two months driving for 16 hours over a weekend isn’t practical. There is no reason he shouldn’t drive with three children - lots of women do so. It takes a degree of planning and stops but it’s definitely manageable.....but even if he drove after work on Friday and drove back on Sunday, he’d only have Saturday with his parents and the children would likely be scratchy. I might do that once or twice but wouldn’t be doing it regularly.
Could you do a visit plan? Maybe meeting halfway a couple of times and going up for say bank holiday weekends and if not Christmas then perhaps Easter when you had slightly longer.
I’d also look at self catering rather than hotel as it’s likely to be cheaper as children get older.
I would consider making a specific invitation for the in laws to come to you. What is the barrier? If expense, could you pay for local accommodation? If the drive, could they use the train and rent a car locally? Maybe they feel they can invite themselves and need you to show you want them to visit.

[Crispbutty]

We moved from London to Devon two years ago too. DPs family are in London and we see them every three months or so.

I’m assuming your PIL live quite far north if it’s an 8 hour journey, which is tiring and expensive and with 3 kids bloody hard work too. I can understand why they won’t let you stay with them either. Not very hospitable if they are so keen to see you.

Could you arrange to meet halfway and stay at a premier inn or other reasonably priced hotel. It would work out cheaper for you as less petrol costs if you are having to fork out for a hotel anyway.

[BrokenPogoStick]

I can’t think of a reason they can’t reavel down. I do think an actual plan would be better, and I might sit down with DH and then call up PIL and see what works for all of us.

Yes, moving to Devon meant we would be further away. Only by a few hours. But DH was the one who pushed it the most.

I haven’t considered meeting half way so will suggest that.

[TwoFs]

Why won’t they let you stay at their house? Would the let DH stay if he went with one/two children?

[heardashot]

"...he said that his family would want to see their DGC."

But they don't. They've been invited and won't come, so they are not that bothered.

[JPduck]

Can you meet half way for a weekend?

[user1493413286]

Growing up we lived 7 hours from my dads family and used to visit them every Easter for a week or the long weekend, they’d come down for a week or two every summer and at Christmas they’d either come to us or we’d go up for the weekend near Christmas then some years we’d go on holiday with them.
This always felt pretty fair given the long journey as to regularly do it on a weekend is too much. You can’t compare it to your family as they live so close but we always used to say we saw my grandparents as much as my cousin but he just happened to see them for a day every fortnight and we saw them longer blocks of time which probably worked out a similar amount of days across a year.

[Dipitydoda]

Could you do every 3 months and meet half way. A 16 hour round trip is too much in a weekend for young kids imo. What about alternative transport - could they fly? Could you fly?

[BrokenPogoStick]

So have talked to DH and PILs and agreed on: seeing them every 3rd Christmas from 23rd-27th. This means the other two Christmas’ they can spend it with their other DC and we can spend it with my DM and DF.
The Christmas’ they don’t stay we will go up to them for five days in Easter hols.
Will come down for a week in the Summer hols.
And if we ever have bank holidays where we can see them, weekends they can come down etc we will meet halfway and stay at a premier inn.

[Nanny0gg]

If they don't want to drive ( and I wouldn't) can't they get the train? There are some deals to be had on fares.

[Crispbutty]

Check flights out too. They may be able to fly down and see you. Probably cheaper than the train too.

[RandomMess]

Surely train or plane an option, have they retired?

[BrokenPogoStick]

They’ve agreed if they want to come down they will get the train