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AIBU?

Disgusted at the videos this man keeps sending my husband

30 replies

hungryhippo90 · 17/12/2017 19:20

My husband works freelance, so he doesn't really make many friends at work.
When DH first met this man I thought it was great this guy wanted to befriend him, they'd had lunch a few times at work- usually at the pub.
DH mentioned he liked a drink- we're virtually teetotal so maybe this seems excessive when it's normal kind of drinking!
One day I met DH for lunch as I was in the area, we went to the pub. New friend was there, oh join us I say! So man downs three pints but orders no food, starts taking off our plates, no problem sharing, then he starts talking about "oh you're so young" "at your age I'd been in prison for 8 years".... Meeting him didn't leave a good impression.
Next thing he's doing some private work, the next day when he's not been paid he's talking about smashing people's heads in.

At that point I said to DH I don't particularly like this man, and please don't ever invite him to our house. DH has pulled away, partially because he's changed jobs, but he's had a few messages where this guy's begging for work and getting aggressive because it's DHs problem he hasn't sorted out a job for him.

Today DD who is nine has been playing on DHs phone, when WhatsApp beeps.
DH quickly took the phone off her. We get home and he starts telling me about the videos this man has been sending him.

Lots of racist videos, lots of videos which start off normal that suddenly turn into porn, one of a man who jumped to his death out of a window, another which was today's which hasn't been opened but is of a woman fingering herself.

I'm pissed off DH hasn't given him a mouth full and blocked him, but he is worried that if he does, it may have an effect in the long term, he's known to be a fairly aggressive sort of bloke and DH doesn't know how to deal with that... And hes worried if he does get into a confrontation, what if they end up working together again in the future?

OP posts:
fussygalore118 · 17/12/2017 19:23

Block block block...honestly he sounds awful. I'd completely avoid any future work with him!

XmasNumber1 · 17/12/2017 19:23

Oh god he sounds awful op.
I had a friend I was intimidated by and she was known to react badly to people who didn't want to be friends with her any more- I pulled away very slowly, as always busy etc

Whisky2014 · 17/12/2017 19:27

Definitely block.

shhhfastasleep · 17/12/2017 19:34

Block. Now

WeirdAndPissedOff · 17/12/2017 19:48

I agree with bloxk or pull away gradually, but don't give him a mouthful!
Better to slip away or ignore him with as little fuss as possible.

iamafraidofvirginiawolves3cats · 17/12/2017 19:54

Block.

RoseRetro · 17/12/2017 19:55

Can your husband change his phone number?

TheSquashyHatOfMrGnosspelius · 17/12/2017 19:57

Your Dh needs to gradually become a grey rock. Asshole will lose interest in him but not realise he has done IYSWIM?

southboundagain · 17/12/2017 19:59

Sounds unpleasant. I'd personally just mute the Whatsapp conversation rather than block - the messages will still go through as normal but you won't get notifications from them, so you'd avoid any sort of confrontation from him realising he was blocked.

MrsExpo · 17/12/2017 19:59

The guy sounds deranged!! Your DH needs to block him immediately.

snotandbothered · 17/12/2017 20:05

Agree with Grey Rock approach. He sounds like he might be quite volatile, so I would definitely let him believe it was his decision to end the friendship, and the only way he will do that is if he gets nothing out of it.

Your DH should just ignore and delete and give him nothing. Make excuses for drinks/meet ups, and if he is cornered (as in horrible man demanding to know 'why he is blanking him' etc) your DH should 'use you' as an excuse. I know it sounds a bit weak but I have know people like this and they are like touch paper - think Begbie from Trainspotting.

As long as your DH is polite but distant and completely inaccessible, he will get bored and move on.

vwlphb · 17/12/2017 20:06

Block him. Bullies like this are generally all talk and no trousers, and count on people putting up with them because they're scared of what they "might" do. When they get pushback however, most of them will make a big noise but not actually do anything.

Blocking is a decisive move that tells him you're not prepared to put up with his shit.

My bet is that he won't actually confront your DH about it. He'll unfortunately just move onto an easier target.

anothernetter · 17/12/2017 20:09

Oh my I'm sorry you are going through this OP. I agree with the others your DH needs to block this guy now. Don't let him think you are push overs. He sounds like trouble. Hopefully he will get the message soon enough

snotandbothered · 17/12/2017 20:13

Bullies like this are generally all talk and no trousers, and count on people putting up with them because they're scared of what they "might" do. When they get pushback however, most of them will make a big noise but not actually do anything.

If he was in prison for 8 years - he is trousers as well as talk.

That's why I think grey rock approach is better in this situation.

FlashTheSloth · 17/12/2017 20:26

What's grey rock? Block?

Your DH needs to block this man. Clearly the fact he has served time means he is prepared to act in a way that cannot be ignored.

hungryhippo90 · 17/12/2017 20:51

So glad to have these replies! I honestly felt like I was being a bit judgemental after the things I knew of him.
I felt like I was maybe being a bit over the top, but to know my husbands been receiving these videos and being as they are sent via whatsapp they are being saved to his phone- opened or not!
DH thinks I'm being silly thinking some may be illegal- like the one where the man jumps out of a building- possibly to his death. But DH has also admitted that he was quite shocked to receive these videos and has even stopped watching them. The latest that's been sent (the picture that acts as preview to the video is of a woman playing with herself.

I can't for the life of me understand why he would send videos like this around!

Sadly my husband can't really actively avoid jobs he may be on, my DH works as a freelance construction site manager- so if he's on a job this guy would essentially be working beneath DH, which makes it even worse i think, if DH has problems with him- his lunch time 3-4 pints, aggressiveness or anything else, he can sack him, but that would just of course end up with DH at risk of violence.
DH wouldn't choose to work on a site with him on, but he often doesn't know who's on until he's started a new placement.

OP posts:
GoReylo · 17/12/2017 21:56

At the very least he should send him a message letting him know his dd plays with his phone, so stop sending those videos. He could end up sending one that really is illegal. Put a stop to it.

shhhfastasleep · 18/12/2017 21:41

Drunk while working on a building site would, in my experience, be enough to get him sacked. Insurance won't cover it and if somebody dies on site because of the drunk worker's negligence....
If he threatens violence against your dh for sacking him, call the police.
Used to work on building site. They didn't mess about if someone was putting others at risk.

bridgetoc · 18/12/2017 22:01

He sounds like a real prize....... However, he's not sending the vids to you, so allow your DH to deal with it as he sees fit.

Greensky89 · 18/12/2017 22:04

Change phone number.
The bloke is clearly not well

bunbon · 19/12/2017 07:16

I'd normally say block but given the arson attack in Manchester I'm a lot more wary of potentially aggravating this sort of person now :( Grey rock sounds like the way to go.

MoistCantaloupe · 19/12/2017 07:22

Oh OP, what a nightmare. I agree that pulling away slowly sounds like the best approach in this situation. I wouldn’t want to aggravate someone like this - slow and hopefully he won’t even notice

Labradoodliedoodoo · 19/12/2017 07:28

I think text the man to say he’s having problems with his phone and it’s intermitabtky stopped working. He doesn’t know what’s going on with it. Then block

DollyLlama · 19/12/2017 07:49

Eurgh what a vile man.

He can change his settings to stop these automatically saying to his phone OP.

Definitely gradually retreat. Be unavailable and polite but don’t engage.

Sunnysidegold · 19/12/2017 07:54

I decided like this.i have a friend who send them to me. Me and another girl in our what's app group don't open them so she stopped sending them.ignore.

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