Worried about cash depletion ... AIBU?

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Apologies - saga!

My husband recently decided (with my complete blessing) to quit his well paid job and start up a consultancy business in his area of expertise. We relocated to a new town within striking distance of London and bought a house mortgage free with the proceeds of selling in London. It was a well thought out move and we have prepared with some savings to cover the period.

Eight months on however there is no sign of any clients on the horizon. He is networking lots and gets in front of quite a few businesses but nothing has come to fruition yet. I know he is working hard on everything.

It was my understanding that if no clients were on the horizon by Christmas that he would start looking for a job locally. When I mentioned this conversation to him yesterday he took it extremely personally. He denied ever saying this, he accused me of being unsupportive and calling him lazy. I never said this but I did say he seemed to lack a sense of urgency to get things moving - he was indeed burnt out I think after quitting. In eight months I have never once said a thing about money or lack of. I have just let him get on with it and trusted his plan.

This morning he was angrier than ever after thinking about it overnight and told me I was obsessed with money and need to see someone (counselor I assume he means) about it. He said I put money above absolutely everything else in life. I find this a terrible accusation but I will concede I do worry about finances a lot. I grew up in poverty with teenage parents and at one stage we lived in a caravan. Although he has been a high income earner for most of his working life, I've always worked part-time too as in the back of my head I DO worry about the "what-if" scenarios of relying on a man for financial stability. I have also held a tight reign on our finances over the years, which is part of the reason why we are in the mortgage free situation now. For this reason I watch the pool of savings drip away with growing dread.

Four months ago I got a part time job here to help bring in some cash, four mornings a week so it fits in with picking up the kids from school etc. It is a contract until May, and I have the option to go full time afterwards which I will of course do, but we would still be short in our outgoings.

We moved here partially for the lifestyle change and also so hubby could see more of the kids instead of working all the hours in the city like he used to. From a family perspective it has been a great move and he is around a lot to help out in the mornings and evenings, which was previously unheard of. He's a great Dad and husband in everything so I have zero complaints from that side.

AIBU to be concerned and to voice those concerns to him, or am I indeed too obsessed with the finances instead of appreciating the family life? At our current rate we have ten months until it's all gone - we've already cut out excess spending - that's so scary to me.

How long have others waited for their partner's businesses to take off?

Please be gentle, first time posting!

[CheapSausagesAndSpam]

I don;t want to add to your worries but is there any chance he's having an affair?

Big moves like this can happen prior to ending a relationship. Was the house sale and all that his idea?

Do you have access to all bank accounts?

[specialsubject]

Was he a manager before? Sounds like a classic case of chucking the toys when told facts he doesn't want to hear. This may also be connected with the failure to attract customers.

Adults don't throw a strop when the world doesn't go as they want. He needs to grow up and apologise.

[Mishappening]

Having an affair! - where did that come from!? A bit off the wall as a response to the OP!

I think your OH is feeling uncomfortable about his lack of success in attracting clients - and who can blame him? That has made him a bit touchy on the subject I would guess. Don't take it personally.

[verystressedmum]

I would have thought he’d have built up a bit of a client base before he chucked his job in.
However 8 months is a long time without a single client. Do you know what he’s been doing to try to gain clients?
Can you say what field he’s in?

[Candlelight234]

Eight months without a client is a long time, I think you are right OP. Unfortunately it sounds like your DP doesn't want to hear it.
My DP is self employed, and when he started he had clients lined up straight away, although it took a couple of years to get fully established.

[CheapSausagesAndSpam]

Miss I had cause to research cases where men had left their wives and there was a common pattern for some...making big changes then leaving.

House sales, leaving the country, big loans or changing jobs.

[ScreamingValenta]

If the worst came to the worst, how easy would it be for him to return to his old job and commute?

[Runningwithscissors12]

You are right OP and he feels guilty. Hence his way OTT and disproportionate response. How can you help him see sense?

[LIZS]

If you are mortgage free what are your main expenses? Could he work pt while building up a client base?

[Schlimbesserung]

I would have The Fear by now and I think you've been very patient and supportive.
It's great to follow your dream, but there comes a time when you have to admit that it just isn't working. Would there be any chance that he could get some part-time work as a consultant or relief? Whatever he does, he clearly needs to do something more than just carrying on as he is.
Failure is hard to cope with for most of us, and refusing to face facts isn't unusual, but it isn't fair to turn this around on you. You aren't obsessed with money, you are just facing the fact that your income doesn't meet your expenditure and your savings are being eaten up.

[Floralnomad]

I reckon he is worried that he’s made a terrible decision and his response is a defensive one because you have voiced his fears IYSWIM . I don’t think you are unreasonable as he should have got some work by now if the move was well thought out , once you have all calmed down you need a serious chat about whether he is getting a job or whether you are and hence he has take on more childcare and house responsibilities going forward .

[NoSquirrels]

I’d press the point with him. You work PT, and can go full time from May. In the interim 5 months he needs to get some cash coming in, so another PT job locally, which will still allow him to build contacts & take meetings on his days off is needed.

8 months is a long time with no work. He needs to reassess his strategy. Is he targeting clients he might already know through previous employment? Perhaps there is no demand for the service he’s offering and so he needs to rethink.

He’s clearly anxious and taking it out on you.

[FucksakeCuntingFuckingTwats]

Cheap sausage what the actual fuck. I swear to god on mn people can come out with the most batshit accusations towards men!

Op, when my dh went employed I dedicated myself to the marketing of the business and it got things going. Totally different field obviously but initially we had to charge lower prices just to get his name out there and build up clientele. Things were definitely a struggle in the beginning but it didn't take eight months to get things going.

Have you done any market research in the area you are in to see if his type of company is actually sough after. Bad he got a usp? I think I'd be panicking too if I were you. I mean maybe it would be a better idea for him to get an employed role and work the business part time until he picks up enough clients to go full time and give up employment with another company. I'd of thought that's what most people in his type of job would do. But admittedly don't know much about his career.

[twiney]

I'm self employed.

Why the fuck didn't he have some clients under his belt before giving up the job? Why did you move out of London before his consultancy got up and running properly?

YANBU.

[Whinesalot]

Maybe he likes the less stressed life. Could you work full time and he part time with more responsibility for the kids? Maybe changing your lifestyle to a cheaper one would make him happier. You need to sit down and discuss this and perhaps you need to be open minded about living within a lower budget rather than putting the pressure on him to be a major earner.

Easier said than done I suppose when you are used to a certain standard of living, but I've always worked part time or not at all and the sacrifices I make materially, are so worth it. May be he feels the same.

[BewareOfDragons]

8 months and not a single client?

He needs to get a paying job and do the consultancy on the side.

He owes you an apology. You're a big part of the reason he was able to even try this venture, keeping a close eye on savings, working hard, agreeing to move, etc. He was completely out of order. It's not your fault his business isn't working out.

[CheapSausagesAndSpam]

Cunting EIGHT months without a single client though? Something's fishy.

[Justaboy]

If your starting your own outfit and I've done that, you start the new firm before you leave the old one so you do have summatt on the go to err, go to!.

Sounds to me he's not that good at it anyway believe you me running your own firm is a lot of bloody hard work;!.

Affair or not;?

[harshbuttrue1980]

If finances are tight, you BOTH need to put aside your dreams (you of being a stay at home wife and his of being self-employed) and start working full-time to bring home the bacon and support the kids you both chose to have. If there isn't enough money, then you are both equally to blame, and it isn't fair to ignore the fact that you gave up working full-time too.

[mindutopia]

I think you probably need to do two things: one is to start working full-time if you're worried about money. Your dh can do the school runs if his business hasn't picked up enough as he'll have more free time and flexibility. And the second is, I think you need to relax a bit. To be mortgage free with 10 months of savings to cover your livings expenses in the bank, you're in a very good position. It's normal to be concerned about a new business and cash flow long term, but you can't complain if you're not doing more to sort it out, particularly when the situation doesn't seem urgent.

My dh started his business when our dd was 2 months old. Like literally I was on mat leave with no long-term position to go back to after. He quit his job a couple months later, but ONLY after his business plan was going according to plan, he was making money and on track to hit what targets he set. We weren't mortgage free though and he was the main earner while I was on mat leave, so there was no option to quit and just have no income for a year. His income from his business was more than his previous salary within a year though. I wouldn't give it up longer than that though unless that's part of the overall plan. But I think you could be doing more in the meantime to add to the family finances.

[glow1984]

YANBU. 8 months is a really long time to go without clients. Either there is no demand in his field or his networking/marketing is not going as well as he thinks. He needs to re-evaluate.

10 months worth of savings is still good though. Can’t you give him a few more months?

[PandaPacer]

Thank you all so much for your considered responses, I really appreciate knowing that I don't need professional help!

In his defense he has previously set up and sold a business in the same field - IT security. He had a four year non-compete clause when he sold, so worked in a consultancy instead of setting up a new one. He was very senior in his last role and my feeling in the last couple of months is that he is perhaps too far removed from the actual doing of work, and has been more in the people management side. His first company was easy peasy to start as it was a new field and everyone needed the knowledge. It's now a more established field so there is more competition out there. Plus Brexit etc..... I think because he found it so easy the first time (he left his job with an existing client, etc...) he assumed this time would be easy too.

LOL cheap sausage, if he was having an affair I wish he'd see her more, he is under my feet all the time at home! (joking of course, and yes of course as a financial stress-head I have access to all the accounts).

I have tried asking him about his strategies but he has accused me of trying to "manage" him, I was thinking more of "workshopping" but to no avail.

[Bringbeboback]

8 months and not one client would definitely make me feel the way you do. Even after 3-4 months of no clients on the horizon i’d Be feeling very nervous.
I’d sit him down and have a very frank discussion that you’re happy for things to continue as they are as long as he can put together a fool proof plan of how bills etc are to be paid if he still has no clients another 8 months down the line. I’m sure he’s trying very hard but he can’t expect you to all live off thin air. What if you were unable to work for a while with an unexpected illness? He needs to at least find a part time job and do the consultancy part time if he flat out refuses to go back to being employed

[PaintingByNumbers]

Is this really burnout/a breakdown disguised as a career change? Can you step up to become the main earner? Do you have better earning potential in other jobs? What do you think he would say if you suggested he steps back for a bit and looks after the kids more? Just an idea ...

[SheGotBetteDavisEyes]

I don;t want to add to your worries but is there any chance he's having an affair?

First bloody comment.

From a family perspective it has been a great move and he is around a lot to help out in the mornings and evenings, which was previously unheard of. He's a great Dad and husband in everything so I have zero complaints from that side

Glad to hear that OP. 10 months is still quite a while left for his business to start succeeding. You're mortgage-free, so that's a huge weight off your mind. Definitely talk with him about your worries though, while bearing in mind he probably shares them.

People deal with financial worries in different ways - some want to make graphs, spreadsheets, get it out in the open etc.. others internalise the worries more.

It is stressful getting started, but you have the potential to be a great team for this future you've created for yourselves.