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To have said this to my ex

(41 Posts)
NameChangedAndForgotOldName Wed 06-Dec-17 10:18:32

Small girl is feeling a bit peaky, well enough for school tho.
I messaged ex to say she might get sent home, he told me I'd have to cancel my plans (gym class and and dr appointment) in case she was sent home.
He works shifts so is off today.
I said "she does have 2 parents, I'm not the only one responsible for her"

Obviously I will cancel plans for her, I'm annoyed that he decided I would while he spent the day doing nothing.

Back story- controlling man who hated me going to the gym and told me and my children that gym was more important than them.

SparklyMagpie Wed 06-Dec-17 10:20:38

YANBU for saying that to him

LemonShark Wed 06-Dec-17 10:21:06

Does small girl mean your daughter?

Yeah it's shit behaviour from him. Don't you have a defined custody agreement though? If you're just winging it and letting him see her when it's convenient it's easy for him to avoid taking his full share of care for her. But if you have agreed set days when she is your and his responsibility it avoids all of this shit, if it's his day with her then he's responsible to care for her if she's sent him and vice versa for you. It sounds here like the default assumed position is that you are her main carer and he chips in, despite being biologically equally both of yours.

What do you think you can do to prevent this happening in the future?

SparklyMagpie Wed 06-Dec-17 10:21:13

Sorry not got time to write a proper reply yet as about to make gingerbread men with my DS haha

BulletFox Wed 06-Dec-17 10:22:15

You need your doctor's appointment though - it's not like you're going for fun - tell him the times of that and insist he covers during that period.

Cancel the gym for today, not because of him, just in case for dd smile

CosmicCanary Wed 06-Dec-17 10:22:50

Yes she has 2 parents.

My ex and I take the responsibility for sick days if they happen on days where that parents has them.
If your DD is with you today and all you have going on is the gym then you should care for her.

If you were at work and the ex is on day off then he should really step in and care for his DD.

NameChangedAndForgotOldName Wed 06-Dec-17 10:25:52

He works continental shifts and lives in a 2 bed house with his elderly mum so he never takes them over night and I let him see them when he wants because of his weird shifts so no set times.
I havent gone to the gym, I'm sat at home in case they ring.

Sorry yes, small girl is my 5 year old

gingergenius Wed 06-Dec-17 10:27:20

My ex never has my kids if they're ill. That's one of many reasons I'm self employed. It's shit. No yanbu

AnathemaPulsifer Wed 06-Dec-17 10:28:52

Cancelling your gym class is a bit extreme/martyrish. You could have just checked your phone immediately before and after and a couple of time during the class.

AnathemaPulsifer Wed 06-Dec-17 10:29:22

But YANBU to expect him to share his child's care.

LemonShark Wed 06-Dec-17 10:30:49

You need a defined custody arrangement then or this will constantly fall to you and affect your own work/social/personal life.

Other people working random shifts manage to agree ahead of time when they'll have responsibility for their kids. Even a set up where the day he gets his shifts for the week you arrange together which days he has her and you have her is preferable to this ad hoc arrangement where you're expected to do 80% of a job you should only be doing 50% of!

I know I just said this on another thread but you really need to raise your standards for what you expect from your daughter's father. Either that or just accept this is how it will always be.

NameChangedAndForgotOldName Wed 06-Dec-17 10:30:56

I'm the full time single parent of 4, 2 (not the 5year old) are autistic. I'm a student with a work placement and I get very little time off because he can't take them to his house.
But he says I shouldn't need time off from my children, if he wants to take them out for the day I have to go because he can't manage them on his own

CosmicCanary Wed 06-Dec-17 10:31:53

He is a shit parent.
I doubt he will change.

flowers for you OP

NameChangedAndForgotOldName Wed 06-Dec-17 10:33:49

My Fitbit connects to my phone so it vibrates if the phone rings.
I've cancelled the class because I know I will get the 'gym more important than the children' abuse I always get sad

Glumglowworm Wed 06-Dec-17 10:36:49

You don’t need to cancel anything unless she’s actually sent home. If you stayed home waiting for a call from school for every “bit peaky” day you’d never do anything and it would be a day she felt fine in the morning that she did get sent home sick because Sod’s law

You’re right she has two parents. He definitely should step up since he’s not working. Do school have his number? Will they call him if they can’t reach you while your at your appointments?

Trinity66 Wed 06-Dec-17 10:39:20

Of course yanbu but unfortunately you can't force someone into being a responsible parent. Your little girl is very lucky to have atleast one though <3

pameladoove Wed 06-Dec-17 10:45:09

YANBU. My ex is the same. He's never taken one day off when our child has been sick.

However, even if I told him he had to do it, he would take no notice. And my lawyer says I can't force him to.

Still not right but I don't know what you can do.

FV45 Wed 06-Dec-17 10:46:20

I'd be going to court to arrange a contact order.
Then you'll all know where you are.

TalkinBoutWhat Wed 06-Dec-17 10:47:54

It is actually quite rare for a 'peaky' child to need to get sent home from school. They perk up unbelievably once they get to school. But.... they often need a quiet evening, being a little molly coddled, a feel good meal, with an early night to get some energy back.

Go to the Gym!! Maybe don't do a class, but still have a work out on your own.

And put some firm boundaries in place with your DEx (dickhead ex). He can say what he damn well likes, but you are DON'T HAVE TO TAKE IT IN. Just counter it each and every time with 'I don't need parenting advice from a man who isn't capable of looking after his children for the day on his own/ having his children overnight on his own'.

ReanimatedSGB Wed 06-Dec-17 10:50:07

If there's no court-appointed contact, I suggest you stop chasing this dickhead and treat any communication from him with faintly contemptuous politeness. He will fade out of your lives, which will probably be the best thing for DC as well as for you - a selfish, controlling father is not 'better than no father'.
Does he pay maintenance? If not, get on to the CSA.
And look into other sources of support - toddler groups, Gingerbread, etc so you can build up a network of people who could step in if there's an emergency.

LemonShark Wed 06-Dec-17 10:53:54

"I've cancelled the class because I know I will get the 'gym more important than the children' abuse I always get sad"

You're allowing him to control you. He can say and think what he likes about your actions, but you're choosing to take them on board and avoid doing what you want to do because it's preferable to miss the gym than head him tell you you prioritise it over the kids.

He still has a hold on you. I recommend counselling to try help you build your strength and not be so dictated by his abuse, and definitely a custody arrangement so you both know what your responsibilities are to the kids going forward.

What do you think you'll do to rectify the balance going forwards? Venting can help in the short term but it's not gonna stop this happening again.

SukiTheDog Wed 06-Dec-17 10:57:42

Yanbu but it’s very common. My ex is/was the same, always. My DS is very poorer and disabled. Getting any help from my Ex is utterly impossible.

LemonysSnicket Wed 06-Dec-17 10:57:50

How would he know you went to the gym if you didnt tell him?
Also tell him he takes the kids without you ... or not at all? Sounds like he's using contact as a way to control and initiate contact between you two.
stop letting him reign over you ...

AnathemaPulsifer Wed 06-Dec-17 10:57:56

*My Fitbit connects to my phone so it vibrates if the phone rings.
I've cancelled the class because I know I will get the 'gym more important than the children' abuse I always get*

Stop pandering to this crap. You would have felt your phone ring, there was zero reason to cancel your class. By all means skip it if you don't fancy it but you don't get to blame him. Blame him for all the other crap he is responsible for instead.

Mxyzptlk Wed 06-Dec-17 11:09:10

he says I shouldn't need time off from my children, if he wants to take them out for the day I have to go because he can't manage them on his own

This guy sounds pathetic. He gets lots of "time off from the children" and can't cope when he does have them.

I've cancelled the class because I know I will get the 'gym more important than the children' abuse I always get

And for him it's {what exactly?} that's more important than the children, so just ignore whatever crap he comes out with.

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