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Parents getting involved with pre teen dramas. G

(48 Posts)
Quiddichcup Tue 14-Nov-17 09:25:19

I'm wondering if I aibu to be pretty angry right now.

My dd has just moved up to year 7. She's made lots of new friends and as such has finally broken free of the bullies from primary who are now in the other half of the school, so rarely seen.

Dd was walking to school with them, because she was nervous to walk alone but since she has grown in friendship confidence has stopped this and now has nothing to do with them.

This morning dd got a text from one of the mums saying her dd was very upset that she wasn't walking with my dd any more ( to be fair she wasn't a bully but part of the group and went along with it) and how nasty dd is being and to show the message to me.

I am furious and replied giving the full picture which the mum said she wasn't aware of at all but will speak to her daughter about but she just wants everyone to be friends.

I will not force my nearly 12 year old dd to call for anyone, least of all someone who is very close to the bully and is very fickle. I am actually proud of my dd not creating drama and distancing herself with miminum fuss.

So. Aibu to be angry that the mum has seen fit to do this?

Swizzlesticks23 Tue 14-Nov-17 09:27:23

Your not unreasonable but she didn't know the full story. Now she does she will probably think twice of getting involved. Glad your dd is getting on better at school. smile

EdmundCleverClogs Tue 14-Nov-17 09:31:24

I am actually proud of my dd not creating drama and distancing herself with miminum fuss.

Then I would take a page from your daughter's book and calm down. Obviously the other mum wasn't aware and just thought the girls had a falling out.

I'm sorry your daughter was bullied, but as you say she's moving on, a breezy 'well sadly these things happen as they get older' would have sufficed. This girl wasn't the bully, no need to make it a bigger 'thing' than it is. Actually, if they walk a similar route, you may have just made things worse, I hope these girls don't use it as an excuse to be horrible between school and home.

Barbiesears Tue 14-Nov-17 09:41:35

Yanbu. She shouldn't be texting your dd.

Quiddichcup Tue 14-Nov-17 09:47:01

I didn't make it a thing. But a grown up texting my daughter to say she was being mean and to show me her message, is.

I knew she wasn't walking with her, and I knew what she had text her when pushed for an answer by her dd. She just said she didn't want to but was still her friend.

I just don't like an adult, sending that sort of message, direct to a child and then telling them to show their it's going to get her in trouble.

EdmundCleverClogs Tue 14-Nov-17 09:49:11

Apologies, I thought she texted you. It's totally inappropriate to text your daughter, and definitely would have said so. Are you sure it was the mum who texted your daughter? I'd be careful about anything in writing rather than verbal conversation.

Quiddichcup Tue 14-Nov-17 09:51:28

Yes it was the mum and she text at 7am! So just before school, and upset dd just before we were leaving.

I don't see how not walking with bullies should make anything worse for dd. Surely no one should have to be forced to be friends with someone just so they don't get picked on in an even worse way?

Dustysparrow Tue 14-Nov-17 09:51:34

YANBU - completely inappropriate for an adult to send a child a text like that, and I would think very intimidating for a child to receive it. I am not surprised you are pissed off.

EdmundCleverClogs Tue 14-Nov-17 09:59:49

I don't see how not walking with bullies should make anything worse for dd. Surely no one should have to be forced to be friends with someone just so they don't get picked on in an even worse way?

Ok, if you're sure it was the mum without speaking to her. Just a little bit concerning that these girls could use anything sent in text to harass your daughter as she walks. No, absolutely shouldn't force friendships, they're far too old to be 'pushed together' regardless. I would still be careful (though very firm) in how I told them to back off though, it would be awful to unintentionally cause issues for your child.

Laura811 Tue 14-Nov-17 10:00:50

I would be pissed off too OP! I hope you told her not to text your DD again ever!

SaucyJack Tue 14-Nov-17 10:02:37

Yeah- the other Mum shouldn't be messaging your daughter with complaints. She should have approached you directly.

I'm wondering tho if the other kid saw your DD as some sort of ally in the group. Maybe she's as scared as your DD is to be alone with the bullies, but doesn't know how to handle the situation. Possibly why the other Mum has got the wrong end of the stick, and blamed your DD for her DD's unhappiness.

Not your DD's problem tho.

BigSandyBalls2015 Tue 14-Nov-17 10:02:48

Cringe at mums getting involved in any of this at secondary school, they're not 5!

whiskyowl Tue 14-Nov-17 10:04:18

I think that's really low, texting a 12 year old and asking her to show the message to you! The other mother is behaving more immaturely than your child!

I think you did the right thing in giving her the full picture. Hopefully that's that and your DD can move on to a much better group of friends now. It's important that children of that age start to understand that friendship is a choice, not a duty, and that others are entitled to walk away from them if they wish.

Quiddichcup Tue 14-Nov-17 10:04:27

It was the mum. I replied to the message and told dd not to respond to anything she might be sent. Then the mum messaged me, as she had my number so could have done so originally.

I have not told any children to back off and neither has dd, she's just stopped walking with them and avoids them.

Quiddichcup Tue 14-Nov-17 10:11:16

I absolutely will not be making dd be friends with this girl. And I said to dd that it's growing up and learning their are consequences to actions. While this girl wasn't the bully she was a by standard and likes to stir when it suits her. She also broke an expensive item of dd's and wasn't sorry at all, while the bully stood and laughed.

I think it's good dd has moved away and made new friends as it was all rather toxic.

littlebird7 Tue 14-Nov-17 10:12:55

Completely unreasonable to be texting someone else's child full stop. If the mother had a problem she should have contacted you.

You have dealt with it now and I would leave it. Clearly you are furious and have been for quite some time given what has happened to your dd in the past. However you must move on past it. Continue to discourage your child to spend time with these girls, reinforcing her strength and new friendships.

In all fairness the other mother clearly had no idea, so would follow up with a measured and kindly response. No need to cause any more ill feeling if even if she made a mistake choosing to text your dd rather than you.

Quiddichcup Tue 14-Nov-17 10:17:32

New friendships are being supported and lots of things outside school are happening to strenghten this. Dd is happy. It's a big school, she's not in any classes with any of these problem girls and other than passing them in the corridor ( where she was being pushed and shouted at by them....but teachers were near by) she can totally avoid them..

coddiwomple Tue 14-Nov-17 10:21:31

I would have been ballistic if an adult decided to text my child!
Well done to your daughter, she is doing the right thing. It's a very good lesson for your kid btw, knowing that anyone "threatening to tell her parents" is in the wrong, and you will always have her back.

I wouldn't have replied to the other mum for a few hours, giving me time to think about the more moderate reply I had in mind when reading the text.

It seems that some people never grow up, and love the school dramas. Pushing her own daughter to be in one, and complaining that "someone is not walking with her" (I mean, is the mother 12?), is pathetic.

Well done again on both your daughter and you being the adults here.

QueenUnicorn Tue 14-Nov-17 10:21:51

I would be furious.
An adult texting a child to call them nasty is bullying.
I think you held back better than I would have.

Quiddichcup Tue 14-Nov-17 10:23:26

I sent a measured but firm response.

I let dd read it.

Dd then high fived me smile

She knows I have her back, if she's done no wrong.

FlowerPot1234 Tue 14-Nov-17 10:23:48

a. YANBU. The other mother shouldn't be texting your dd. What is it with parents helicopter parenting on every aspect of their children's lives where the children need to sort it out themselves, and not parenting at all in issues that need their attention?

b. YABU. The other mother didn't have the full picture, and she didn't know she didn't have the full picture. Probably because her bullying-supporting daughter decided not to tell her.

Well done to your dd for removing herself from the bullies and building a new circle of friends, and dealing with the situation.

JonSnowsWife Tue 14-Nov-17 10:24:40

Who are all you people who exchange telephone numbers with these people?

Two people from my DCs schools have my number. One is DDs BFs mum and the other is the chair of the PTA of DSs school.

Ignore it, don't respond and show the messages to school OP. Let the school deal with the Mum, and or any other issues she has.

JonSnowsWife Tue 14-Nov-17 10:27:05

Sorry OP. Misread. She was texting your DD?

Definitely take it to the school.

DD recently had some messages. School took copies of all messages and were very proactive with dealing with it.

JonSnowsWife Tue 14-Nov-17 10:28:07

If the mother had a problem she should have contacted you.

No she shouldn't. She should have gone through the proper channels. Which is through school.

Quiddichcup Tue 14-Nov-17 10:29:59

I don't see how it's any problem. Her daughter is upset because dd won't walk with her.

Non issue really.

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