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To ask how much your OH helps with kids?

(29 Posts)
lilly0 Mon 13-Nov-17 23:57:08

I don't think my OH deliberately does it but he doesn't take the initiative at all with DD.

He does do nice things with her swimming, trips to McDonald's, cinema if I have to do something else but he doesn't do the boring stuff like packing her bag, showering her , making sure she's brushed her teeth , washing her clothes leaving shoes and bookbag by the door , signing planner , school reading, remembering to sign forms he wants to have another baby but I don't want to do the bulk of everything We both work full time I have a conference next week for 2 days and I'm wondering how he's going to cope.

Wouldst help or is that babying him?

HelenaDove Tue 14-Nov-17 00:00:26

Sounds like he wants to do all the Disney dad bits but none of the more mundane work that comes with having children And the emotional load is yours too going by what youve posted.

And its not helping..........its parenting his children just like you do.

WorraLiberty Tue 14-Nov-17 00:04:03

Why aren't you delegating some of those tasks to him, to make it more even?

I imagine if my husband did all of those things himself, I probably wouldn't know what did/didn't need doing or at what time on what days.

Once you both know what you need to do and when, it makes it much easier to tick along.

Candlelight234 Tue 14-Nov-17 00:07:14

He needs to also pull his weight with the mundane day to day jobs too. Before you are away, prepare him with a conversation on what needs to be done, but I would treat that like a handover at work I.e you've told him now and it's his responsibility to sort it once you are away.

ilovesooty Tue 14-Nov-17 00:11:40

helps?

With his own children?

yowerohotesies Tue 14-Nov-17 00:16:17

ilovesooty got in there first.

DH doesn't "help" at all because he is an equal partner in this parenting malarkey and any use of the word "help" would imply that childcare was primarily my remit.

We spend about equal time on both childcare and housework and neither of us would want it any other way.

BeALert Tue 14-Nov-17 00:17:44

Well. They're his children. He does the same stuff with them that I do.

Other than giving birth to them and breastfeeding them I can't think of anything I could do for them that he couldn't.

marymoosmum Tue 14-Nov-17 00:23:43

My DH is wonderful, he does loads for both of ours. He is generally the one who packs bags etc. Have you tried talking to him?

streetlife70s Tue 14-Nov-17 02:41:40

My husband does as many baths, nappy changes, teeth brushes as I do. Some things he does more of (doing homework and signing books) and some I do more of (bed time stories and cooking dinner) but they are for practical reasons (I’m a better reader and kids prefer me to read to them and I’m in earlier and plan meals) but if I had to do any of those things all the time and he didn’t ever cook for us or pull his weight then I wouldn’t have had any more kids with him or stuck around for long. Relationships should be teamwork and mutual respect. If the emotional load is unfairly dumped on one person or tasks are seen as ‘wife work’ the resentment soon builds.

vwlphb Tue 14-Nov-17 03:35:49

Mine lacks initiative too. He is capable of dealing with pretty much whatever the kids need, he'd just rather do something else... eg rather cook dinner than do bedtime, or rather clean up the kitchen than get them ready for school. So from that perspective he would say he is contributing equally, it's just that he doesn't contribute to the childcare equally, if that makes sense.

His level of general investment in them is definitely a lot lower than mine though. If he has things to do on a weekend day, I'll try to organise a playdate, or a trip out somewhere interesting for them.

If I have something to do, he'll let them stay in their pyjamas and play on iPads most of the day, or maybe take them out for an icecream or to the playground down the road.

I know all their friends' names, and their friends' parents' names, and I organise all their parties and activities. I know when their vaccinations and health visitor appointments are due, I'll notice little rashes that need checking out, or that they might have a blocked ear, or that their hair or nails need trimming. I know when the washing needs to be done each week so there will be enough clean school uniforms. All these things will need to be pointed out to OH.

I don't forget to put their sunblock on, or take their drink bottles when we go out, or brush their teeth in the morning, but he's hit or miss on those things. If the kids call out for help with something, 90 percent of the time I'll be the first one to respond. As a result, these days they automatically come to me for whatever they need, even if I'm in the middle of something and OH is not, which is quite wearying.

The resentment does build up.

Jellycatspyjamas Tue 14-Nov-17 04:33:51

My DH more than pulls his weight - he does breakfast and getting ready for school while he gets ready for work and at other end of the day does homework, plays with them while I get dinner ready. He does bedtime story and while I bath them and get them into bed, he cleans the kitchen after dinner. At weekends we'll decide what jobs need done and negotiate what we're doing with the kids and what family time we've got. so I might plan something to give him time for a diy project or he'll take them so I can get on top of the laundry (every. bloody. weekend.) We work out at the start of the week when we'll both get some down time and that tends to be sacrosanct.

I do all the school and appointments organising but I'm at home on adoption leave and am generally more organised anyway. Besides I like to know who's where and when, and I mostly do meetings, parents evening etc because he's working.

He is their parent too and it's much needed teamwork to keep the whole house ticking over.

confusedlittleone Tue 14-Nov-17 06:02:30

He does a full day Monday- although I do bath/bed time on that day, he would do it but I've often left before the children wake up so its the only time I see them on a Monday. He also does Tuesday morning. he does nursery drop off every day. I do bed/bath every night and the weekends due to our shift patterns

EmilyChambers79 Tue 14-Nov-17 07:25:12

We both do a fair amount, but we are not that militant that everything has to be a 50/50 split, no more no less and we don't keep tabs on whose signed an extra school form. I can only imagine the resentment building up by keeping things that tight.

I'm the one who signs all the school forms, deals with illness, gives medicine and does the school run of a morning but DH does the swimming lesson run on a Saturday morning and we both do the midweek music lesson.

Jobs around the house get done when they are seen, so if washing basket is full, one of us puts a load on. I did 4 loads on Saturday for example DH didn't do any but I hadn't done any the past two weeks as DH had got there first.

The general grind of running a house is a bore but I definitely have weeks where I do more but I don't care as long as it's done and we get to hang out together.

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin Tue 14-Nov-17 07:32:34

Helps with the children? You mean parenting them surely? My ex was like your partner, liked all the Disney dad stuff did fuck all else. Our 10 year old now acknowledges that "my dad is a bit well, useless isn't he?" Her words, not mine.

Bananamanfan Tue 14-Nov-17 07:37:06

Dh usually does bathtime & encourading them to get dressed, i do more, but i work fewer hours. He has got a lot more involved as they've got older. We alternate bedtime too, which is a good system.

Moanyoldcow Tue 14-Nov-17 08:24:18

Mine equally parents.

Does breakfast and packs his lunch on weekdays; we alternate who does bath and bed (if I bathe he'll do bedtime). Gets up weekends early to occupy him.

We tend to go out as a family on the weekend though.

BertieBotts Tue 14-Nov-17 08:31:09

Do not do not do not prepare anything when you go away for your conference. Express surprise when you get back if he hasn't fulfilled basic things like hygiene. He needs a wake up call.

doodle01 Tue 14-Nov-17 08:37:22

Maybe he thinks you like doing it

Ropsleybunny Tue 14-Nov-17 08:39:20

helps?

With his own children?

This ^

BertieBotts Tue 14-Nov-17 08:39:23

I'm going away for 4.5 days later this week and the only thing I've done is offer to put in an online shop and that's only because DH has reduced mobility at the moment due to an injury, and normally the only day we have to go food shopping is Saturday. In fact he said no don't worry about it, we'll be fine. I don't know (or really care TBH) what they'll be eating, I expect DS to have done his homework, showered, brushed teeth, worn clean clothes.

Someone once said that parenting and housework - we need to see it less as a 50/50 thing because what then happens is that people do "their 50%" and then feel resentful that their partner doesn't magically pick up all of the rest, but usually what we think of as 50% is much less (especially for men), or we don't pick a 50% which exactly aligns with our partner's. So instead see it as a 100/100 thing. It's 100% each person's responsibility to keep the house clean, to feed themselves and the others, to look after children including the boring parts, to financially support the family. When you're both thinking about 100% being yours, it shifts the way you see the other person's contributions, they are actually relieving some of that burden which makes you appreciate what the other does. But also it means that the slack automatically gets picked up, too, hopefully without resentment!

Mumto2two Tue 14-Nov-17 09:15:51

DH barely gets to see the kids here, let alone 'help'! He leaves for work before 7am, and is not home until after bedtime most days. Often has to travel abroad and work weekends too, so it's to be expected. On the very rare ocassion he has had to step in, it has never gone very well. Silly things like giving her a bath..but not realising that also involves washing her hair??hmm And instead of taking the opportunity to do something fun together....sticks Netflix on while he gets his laptop out and does more work...now that really does drive me up the wall!!

AnnabellaH Tue 14-Nov-17 09:21:10

Delegate and split tasks. That way he has to take on half the load.

SleepingStandingUp Tue 14-Nov-17 09:27:05

I'm a SAHM. DO works full time. He plays with DS when he comes in to work and whoever sorts it does his tea time feed. DS. chooses who takes him to bed which can take an hour - mostly its DH cos DS has had me all day. In turn I tidy and wash up.

Of a weekend he gets up with DS most of the time (I do all overnights5and DS sleeps terribly) does breakfast feed and then we sort of do it between us all day till bedtime. He probably does proportionally more over the weekend and I'm proportionally more likely to go out for a lonesome coffee for a break.

This weekend I'm away Fri eve-Sun lunch so DH will do it all inc medication.

We help each other

crisscrosscranky Tue 14-Nov-17 10:02:29

OP, this sounds like my life (only we have just had another baby so now I have two social calendars to manage!).

He’ll cope just fine- my DH is just lazy (by his own admission) not incompetent!

Lovelilies Tue 14-Nov-17 12:53:50

My ExP did naff all. I was the default parent. It's actually easier now I'm a LP as there's one less man child to look after!

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