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AIBU?

To let the school know what is being said to dd

31 replies

Whitegrenache · 16/10/2017 12:24

Dd in year 7. She is fiesty kid and able to hold her own.
First child in secondary school so not sure how to handle this.

She told me and dh over the eeekend that a boy had approached her last week in school and asked her if she wanted to
"Suck his penis"

She said there was a group of them and they were all giggling so I think it was some stupid boy prank and nothing predatory iyswim?

She literally ignored them and walked away and said she wasn't upset or scared and just thought they were stupid.

Although we are a very open house she doesn't know about oral sex (I think)

So do I mention it to school

and do I tell her what he meant? She hasn't asked.

Thanks

OP posts:

Report

5rivers7hills · 16/10/2017 12:30

If someone at work came over to you and said that... what woudl you do? You would most likely go to HR as sexual harassment.

It is no less serious because it happened at school FFS!

TheSkyAtNight · 16/10/2017 12:35

Tell the school. If they know about it they can decide what is appropriate. That's not a culture they'd want to become established.

Whitegrenache · 16/10/2017 12:36

Left a message for head of year to call me.

I was always the type to put this down to high jinks and silly boy behaviour but this type of behaviour is sexual harassment isn't it.

OP posts:

redsunstorm · 16/10/2017 12:37

Yes...as a mother of a secondary school dd, I would phone and say what was said. The boys need teaching early on that this is never an acceptable thing to say.

redsunstorm · 16/10/2017 12:38

Good for you OP.

Sonders · 16/10/2017 12:41

You're doing the right thing OP, letting comments like this slide is why boys grow into the creeps we know as adults.

Totally agree with 5rivers

Ttbb · 16/10/2017 12:42

You should definitely mention it at school-the school doesn't seem to have done enough to teach basic etiquette.

milliemolliemou · 16/10/2017 12:43

Another one for definitely report and explain to DD why you're doing this - eg highly inappropriate behaviour which could get worse and while DD handled it brilliantly a less confident girl might have been very upset.

What do you think the school should do?

Acadia · 16/10/2017 12:44

Glad you're calling. Get it nipped in the bud, not just for the boy - hopefully he'll be shamed into never doing this again, once he realises the enormity of the matter - but also for your daughter. The last thing she needs is to be told "Oh he's just a silly boy, ignore it" and stuff. That 'boys will be boys' message is the poison at the heart of harassment.

I hope they take it seriously. My school never did.

AppleTrayBake · 16/10/2017 12:49

Yes definitely report it OP and use the words sexual harassment, don't be tempted to play it down as 'boys being boys' and don't let them either.

Give DD lots of praise for telling you and to report it every time.

Gross. Who is raising these boys to let them think that's acceptable?!

Pengggwn · 16/10/2017 12:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

2014newme · 16/10/2017 12:51

Definitely. Surprised you could even think aboutnot telling school

JoanneCoften · 16/10/2017 12:53

I would email school. It means there's a record that this has been raised.
In my experience secondary schools can be shockingly bad at sweeping issues like this under the carpet, dismissing it as boys will be boys.

Trampire · 16/10/2017 12:53

My dd had just been in Y7 a few weeks (she's very tall fir her age and looks more like Y9 to be honest).
2 boys in the dinner queue invited her for a threesome.

She laughed, ignored and moved on. She told me about it but wasn't bothered. I was shocked and wanted to report it. She pleaded with me not to. I didn't.

She's now Y8. Very happy in school and friends with girls and boys. She's not told me of any other incidents but I know the language can get pretty ripe on the school bus. I'm uneasy, but she's fine.

I wish I'd reported it at the time. The more people that do the clearer a picture the school gets.

Rescuepuppydaft2 · 16/10/2017 12:57

I had to report similar earlier this year, my daughter (who was 7 at the time), came home and told me that they had been playing truth or dare when a boy from her class asked her to have sex with him. My daughter told him not to be so disgusting and walked away. I called the head teacher and he took it very seriously. He reassured me that I had done the right thing in calling and that if anything similar ever happened to call him straight away.

Im glad to see that you have called the school! I am so grateful that we both have daughters who felt open enough to confide in us. My daughter knows the facts of life (although nothing about oral sex!) and that sex is not something for children to partake in. We have an open house policy so my children know that if they hear something at school (swearing/ something they think is naughty or they don't understand) that they can ask me or my dh, without getting into trouble. They have brought home some colourful expressions, which I have been able to explain the meaning and that its not appropriate for them to use. So far it has proven to be a great strategy and neither of my children use bad language that I know of (although I imagine that will come once they are older!)

Whitegrenache · 16/10/2017 13:01

Wow thanks all.

So the message I'm getting from you all is to emphasise the Seriousness of this to my dd and not just laugh it off as a joke/silliness?

Will make sure dad and I talk to her tonight

OP posts:

Whatsername17 · 16/10/2017 13:06

I'm a head of year on a secondary school. Please tell the school. This isn't acceptable at all. In my school, the boy in question would be told Off, spend a formal detention learning about what is and isn't appropriate to say to another pupil and is inform parents. If he did it again, or did anything else of a sexual nature, it would send up a red flag and we'd be looking at possible child protection issues. Also, the school should talk to your dd about how she has a right not to be spoken to in that way and reassure her shed done nothing wrong.

Mayhemmumma · 16/10/2017 13:07

Check with your DD first before anything is reported. Whilst horrible, it might put your DD in a worse position if she's ''told', the boys in question might not stop and other children might pick up on it and it could become an issue..she might not confide so easily again.

Personally I'd praise her for telling you and say how proud you are for rising above it. Explain it is unacceptable language and she needs to tell you/ a teacher if anything else is said (with a view to repott)

Whitegrenache · 16/10/2017 13:08

Unfortunately dd said she didn't know who he was and wouldn't be able to identify him. She did say he was much too Older

OP posts:

cingolimama · 16/10/2017 13:12

No it's not a joke/silliness/boys being boys. Why on earth should girls have to suffer this crap on the way to class? So good on you for talking to the school.

Slightly off topic, but is oral sex not talked about by Y7?

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 16/10/2017 13:14

Definitely report it even though she can’t identify the boy. They need to know if it’s a culture problem. This behaviour is disgusting even if it’s meant as a joke and normalises predatory behaviour and harassment. Our girls are screwed for adulthood aren’t they

ReanimatedSGB · 16/10/2017 13:14

Still worth telling the school. They will probably want to have another session of reminding pupils how to behave towards one another.
(And if this boy's behaviour is an indication of something more serious than teenage obnoxiousness and/or if the school already have a record of the same boy saying similar things to other pupils, further action can be taken.)

RolyRocks · 16/10/2017 13:19

the school doesn't seem to have done enough to teach basic etiquette.

Totally just the schools fault, obviously. All etiquette must be taught at school-nothing to do with the raising of the child in question. (hmm)

Well done for raising this, OP.

diddl · 16/10/2017 13:26

" to emphasise the Seriousness of this to my dd and not just laugh it off as a joke/silliness?"

I think so yes.

It seems to be such a thing for women to excuse/appease at their own expense so as not to cause a fuss or upset the man.

Why would he have said this-with what intention?

To embarrass her? get some sort of reaction?

Well, it wasn't said out of kindness/to be friendly, was it?

Whitegrenache · 16/10/2017 22:38

Spoke to head of year who took it seriously and she is going to speak to dd tomorrow and see if it's available on cctv

Dad also had a word and told her It was never acceptable for a boy to ever speak like that to her

OP posts:

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