To think my "friend" needs to back off(96 Posts)
NC because very outing. Feel a mixture of anger and guilt.
The back story is a year and a half ago I became close friends with a guy, N. He happened to be in an open relationship and I was reluctantly brought onside. Our "strand" of the relationship only lasted 2 months because I began to get very frustrated with what I saw as hypocrisy and unfairness. It doesnt matter though, because after just 2 months of this I moved to the end of the country and things ended between us.
Fast forward to last week: for the first time in a year I'm back in town and have loads of people to see. I've been with my DP, who I very much love, for a year and things are going great. Me and N have been in casual infrequent contact for the year, friendly contact but not very deep.
N announces that he has taken all the days off I'll be here off from work. I find that really intrusive and disrespectful actually, as if I didnt have anyone else to see.
On the first day I got here, I spent all afternoon and evening hanging out but had to cut the evening short at 11pm because I felt awful and was coming down with something - he did thia reallt sad puppy dog face that made me feel so bad.
The next day, a friend was coming to join me in town overnight so we could catch up. We included him on our night out but even then he spent tue whole day pressuring me to meet earlier. I met her off the train at 3pm and at 5.30pm he was like "shall we meet for dinner now at the indian?" I didnt see his message til 7 and replied to apologise and he said "no worries, shall we meet there in half an hour?"
It's like...arrrrgh its fucking Saturday evening and im here for 4 days, let me fucking breathe!
So Saturday the 3 of us went out and finished at 5am - he was gutted when I sent him home but didnt say anything :-/ On sunday morning i felt like an absolute wreck and it wasnt a hangover...my illness had intensified since I'd stupidly tried to push through it since i was visiting. So yesterday i woke up with it having developed into a fever and like a chest infection. I felt absolutely awful. Nevertheless, he expressed sympathy but asked if i wanted to meet up. Obviously i said no.
Today is my last full day and i wanted to spend it having a long lunch with my closest friend here, then walking around by myself just letting my mind reminisce, going to a few independent shops here and very possibly if i feel.well enough get a bus for early tea with another friend before going home early.
But last night he's texted two plans for tomorrow (both of which involve the great outdoors - sorry but i dont know exactly how many times i have to be fucking clear about the fact i am ill).
Im torn. On the one hand this is someone i used to be close to and i used to hold hom dear and feel i should make an effort to "honour" that friendship.
On the other hand theres the sickness thing, but more than that, i feel very angry, insulted and almost diarespected that he seema to be pushing his agenda on me. His girlfriend (the one who wanted them to be in an open relationship) has had countless lovers the past year and he hasnt, so....
What pisses me off is he knows because ive been very clear that i am in love with my DP and we dont do open relationships.
I honestly have no idea if N is hassling me out of his friendship feelings or romantic feelings, i genuinely couldnt say - possibly a blurring of both.
But im angry ive felt hounded during this stay, and that my last day may inevitably be spent bowing to the wishes of a persistent man IYSWIM.
Any thoughts? :-^
I guess no matter how nice and lovely and docile he comes across as, i actually find him controlling in his behaviour
Honestly I would have been so much blunter by now.
Just text him to say it's been great seeing him but you are ill so not planning on doing much except seeing one friend and you will see him next time you are back.
Just say no. You're not available, sorry.
I know...I just feel a bit of a guilty tug because we used to be so close. I feel like I'm disappointing him/letting him down on purely friendship level.
I honestly don't get why you didn't just make it clear right from the start that you had loads of people to catch up with, do you coyld only do ONE coffee/lunch/drink.
Not a chance would I have seen him every day and gone along with all his bloody plans!
Do you struggle to be assertive generally or is it just with him?
When he said he had cleared his diary for you whole visit, why didnt you tell him then that you want time to spend with other people without him there?
Why have you not said anything each time he has text plans?
Im not the most assertive person, I generally am really flexible and relaxed about what other pepple do and let them set their pace, and expect others to do the same to me
Just say 'sorry I can't, got other plans, was great seeing you on (insert whenever it was), catch up next time I'm in town' then just ignore any other messages. Not your circus, not your monkeys so don't worry what he's up to, let him get on with it!
Ok Hope you feel better soon!
Yes, I should have said something when he said that.
Luckily its not a practical issue anymore because he ended up getting fired from the job.
He happened to be in an open relationship and I was reluctantly brought onside
Yes. My thought is, how can you be brought into an open relationship 'reluctantly'?
I think you need to stand in front of a mirror practising the work "No" until you're actually able to say it to another person.
Every thing you have described here would be easy to put an end to. If you keep agreeing to see someone and apologising when you miss them and don't tell them you don't want to see them, then they are going to think you want to see them.
But im angry ive felt hounded during this stay, and that my last day may inevitably be spent bowing to the wishes of a persistent man IYSWIM
But not angry enough to actually say no?
Sorry, but this situation is entirely of your creating. Yes, he's doing the asking, but you are not being clear about what you want and he appears to think you are open to spending time with him too.
I agree with pp. You need to learn to be more assertive. Just because you are hapoy for others to set the pace, doesnt mean others are happy to do that. How does that work, of both people are waiting for the other to set the pace.
It actually sounds like you are very passive. You cant be brought into anbopen relationship unless you want to be. You are an active participant in your own life.
Either you entered the relationship willingly and now passing the blame to him. Or you are not making decisions for yourself and letting everyone else do it for you.
Its your life. Live it. Make the decisions for yourself. Dont be in relationships you dont want to be. Dont spend time with people you dont want to.
I know you're right and I do.
I guess i just find it galling that i would have to be more assertive in the first place.
Tell him you’re not available at all today. When he retorts, repeat and if he starts guilting you, tell him you never asked him to free his schedule for you. Rinse repeat.
Saying that you find it galling to be more assertive is really not understanding what life is about. There are many times where you just have to say 'no'. there will be lots of things you don't want to do, can't fit in to your day or don't interest you. If I asked you to rob a bank with me or jump off a cliff would you do it? No, of course not; being assertive does not mean being rude, or shouting, or arguing. It just means saying ' I don't want to, it is not negotiable'. You can add whatever else you want to make it plain that is the case and them move on. Don't apologize, don't leave any doubt and carry on as you wish.
Txt and tell him you have other plans, sorry. You don't need to be assertive or rude, just state the facts.
He's an absolute pain op , there doesn't seem to be any reason to make an effort for him at all.
If you don't learn to tell him "no" he's going nowhere. In fact , it sounds like he's relying on your sense of obligation to people please.
I guess i just find it galling that i would have to be more assertive in the first place.
So you let others set the pace (according to you), he set the pace. How is he to know you arent happy with the pace unless you say so.
You cant expect everyone to set the pace and it always be right for you..
You werent relucatantly pullrd into a relationship. You allowed him to create a relationshop and went along with the pace.
At what point are you going to take responsibility for setting your own pace and making your own decisions? Other people can not keep doing this for you and they can not do it in a way that you will always be happy with.
He knows you don't like saying no and he's using it to his advantage. Now you're in a relationship he's out to prove that he can still get what he wants from you. The whole puppy dog eyes is to get you into bed. Seriously, don't waste any more time feeling guilty about disappointing him as he cares not one iota about making you feel uncomfortable. In fact, it probably excites him more as the 'game' becomes more of a challenge.
Also it might be helpful to think about why you don't assert yourself op , because you could if your wanted to.
Why do you feel that everyone else's needs come before your own? Once you work this out you'll be fine and learn to love saying "no" as a full sentence.
I think i have trouble being assertive with him because part of me is confused as to whether I'm being a bad friend by not making more time for him.
Of course you're not a bad friend. The level of attention and contact he is expecting from you is ludicrous. You must see that?
A clear 'no thanks I need time for me too'. He sounds completely awful, disrespectful of your boundaries your other friendships - exactly the sort of person who should never have an open relationship.
I hope you get well soon.
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