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To not assume our unborn child will get his surname alone.

(44 Posts)
DahlTheGalah Sun 15-Oct-17 17:33:01

Apparently I am being "uptight" in assuming not that our unborn baby would take only his father's surname, but rather that we would discuss options and probably include both in some way?

Incidentally, partner has been less than supportive about the pregnancy in general, not even sure he wants the baby etc, disappearing every night to "think" without saying where he is going, coming up with little gems of wisdom like "In whose hands was the contraception?" (Now defended by saying it was a friend who said that, not him; but he chose to quote it to me.)

I don't think IABU, am I?!

MrsFionaCharming Sun 15-Oct-17 17:35:02

LTB, at least then you’d get maintenance, because you’re clearly not getting anything good from him at the moment.

AnneLovesGilbert Sun 15-Oct-17 17:35:07

You're not married so there's no way you should give your baby your partner's name.

He sounds like he's behaving horribly towards you! Are you sure you want to be with him?

Uptheduffy Sun 15-Oct-17 17:35:14

Oh dear what a mess. Why are you worrying most about the name? As you are unmarried the baby’s name is entirely up to you by the way, legally.

MuseumOfCurry Sun 15-Oct-17 17:35:18

So it was unplanned?

He sounds like a wanker and the baby's surname is the least of your problems. Sorry.

liquidrevolution Sun 15-Oct-17 17:36:59

Life will be easier if he is not on the birth certificate as well...

TittyGolightly Sun 15-Oct-17 17:39:00

You're not married so there's no way you should give your baby your partner's name.

Huh?

Ellendegeneres Sun 15-Oct-17 17:39:11

Both my dc have my surname. Never regretted that. I'm not with the fathers, and my kids and I all live under the same roof, so it makes sense (to me) that we all have the same surname.

DontTouchTheMoustache Sun 15-Oct-17 17:39:20

Would op be able to claim maintenance if his name isnt on the birth certificate?
Either way LTB he isn't worth the effort.

nameohnameohname Sun 15-Oct-17 17:41:12

He can be on the birth certificate but the baby can still have OP’s surname.

Travis1 Sun 15-Oct-17 17:45:37

I’ll never understand why unmarried mothers give their baby’s their fathers surname. Especially in a tumultuous relationship or when it’s a very young relationship with unplanned pregnancy.

TBH though the name thing sounds like the least of your bother

PrincessHairyMclary Sun 15-Oct-17 17:46:17

My ex used to do that, also made abortion jokes. I left him at 7 weeks pregnant. It doesn't look good, once baby's here he may get his act together but he probably won't then it'll be "who wanted the baby" when you ask for help.
Single parent hood is decidedly better than living with a man like that. Have you been together long? I choose to double-barrel DDs name which works well (she does see her dad once a wee) and she likes that's she has both names but I would have hated her to just have his. Even if you are together but unmarried, going to the Drs or on holiday etc often provokes some confusion with officials when children have different names to the adult (usually mum) with them.

kaytee87 Sun 15-Oct-17 17:49:16

Give the baby your name. You will no doubt split up with this loser and then be really annoyed you've given the baby his name.

0hDeer Sun 15-Oct-17 17:50:15

Absolutely, unequivocally DO NOT give the baby a different surname to yourself!

If he gets his act together and you marry down the line and decide to.all share a name, then fine. But for now DON'T.

TittyGolightly Sun 15-Oct-17 17:51:16

I’ll never understand why unmarried mothers give their baby’s their fathers surname.

What has being unmarried got to do with it?

Winebottle Sun 15-Oct-17 17:52:11

I think mother's name if unmarried, fathers name if married.

I'd wait until the baby is here before you write him off as a father. It is a shock and people react to it differently. There is nothing wrong with him processing it alone.

Ttbb Sun 15-Oct-17 17:54:14

I would do whatever it took to get him on the birth certificate and then LTB. It's just s name after all. Not important.

Pengggwn Sun 15-Oct-17 17:54:45

Being unmarried has everything to do with it. On marriage, the baby's name can be changed to the father's name if the couple agree that they all want to have his name (this is conventional although obviously no one needs to do it). But if the OP gives the baby her DP's name, assuming they will all eventually have the same name because they will eventually marry, and she turns out to be wrong about that, she has given her baby - that she carried for nine months and gave birth to - a different name to her own and cannot change that decision without her ex partner's permission. Lunacy.

DahlTheGalah Sun 15-Oct-17 17:55:26

Thank you all.

I think the name thing was just the last straw. Find it so bizarre that he assumed the baby would take just his name!

In fact, I have partially moved out - staying with a friend during the week as I was having awful morning sickness and fatigue, in new job, and he either wasn't around or, when he was, would barely make me a cup of tea. We have been together a long time and I am reluctant to throw in the towel if this is just some freak out phase of his, but it just all seems such an effort. He is claiming that by staying elsewhere I am walking away, pushing him out etc yet when I make an effort on the weekend this is what I'm rewarded with! Feel like I am living with a chauvinistic teenager.

Baby not planned but very much wanted (by me and, in some moods, by him). In fact, when we very first got together when I was nineteen, I told him that I would most likely keep the baby if I got pregnant, so having sex was on those terms. We aren't very young (late 20s, mid 30s), and when talking together about contraception choice more recently he actually said if it happened he would be ok with it at our age/stage etc. Should have got it in writing!!

Regarding the birth certificate, I would be interested to hear from anyone who has excluded the father. I would like our son to have a relationship with his dad if possible, though.

kaytee87 Sun 15-Oct-17 17:56:05

ttbb can I ask why you would want him on the birth certificate? I certainly wouldn't.

Glumglowworm Sun 15-Oct-17 17:56:27

He sounds like a knob

Definitely give the baby your surname

And think carefully about whether this is a relationship you want to keep.

ErrolTheDragon Sun 15-Oct-17 17:56:34

YADNBU!
'Uptight?'confused
On the contrary, he is being presumptuous and sexist to assume that your baby will have only his name. Evven

DahlTheGalah Sun 15-Oct-17 18:01:18

Incidentally we had been planning to get married, and he knew that I would be keeping my name.

C0untDucku1a Sun 15-Oct-17 18:03:20

Leave him. He is a nob. It often takes having the responsibiliity of another human to make Women realise what shit they put up with from the nob prior to that.

Give the baby your surname.

Sort out child maintenance for when baby is born. Officially if necessary.

I would not be making firm decisions on birth certificate at this stage at all. He can apply for it from the courts if he is that fussed. It does not stop the need for him to pay Maintenance.

Reaearch the sunk costs fallacy. www.google.co.uk/amp/www.independent.co.uk/life-style/love-sex/what-to-do-if-your-unhappy-relationship-is-case-of-sunk-cost-fallacy-a7475266.html%3Famp

WineAndTiramisu Sun 15-Oct-17 18:05:29

I'm currently pregnant, my DP and I aren't married (we'll get round to it eventually!), and the baby is definitely having my surname. DP was slightly surprised I think initially, but has accepted it.

I'll likely change if/when we get married

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