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AIBU?

To not assume our unborn child will get his surname alone.

43 replies

DahlTheGalah · 15/10/2017 17:33

Apparently I am being "uptight" in assuming not that our unborn baby would take only his father's surname, but rather that we would discuss options and probably include both in some way?

Incidentally, partner has been less than supportive about the pregnancy in general, not even sure he wants the baby etc, disappearing every night to "think" without saying where he is going, coming up with little gems of wisdom like "In whose hands was the contraception?" (Now defended by saying it was a friend who said that, not him; but he chose to quote it to me.)

I don't think IABU, am I?!

OP posts:

Report

MrsFionaCharming · 15/10/2017 17:35

LTB, at least then you’d get maintenance, because you’re clearly not getting anything good from him at the moment.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/10/2017 17:35

You're not married so there's no way you should give your baby your partner's name.

He sounds like he's behaving horribly towards you! Are you sure you want to be with him?

Uptheduffy · 15/10/2017 17:35

Oh dear what a mess. Why are you worrying most about the name? As you are unmarried the baby’s name is entirely up to you by the way, legally.

MuseumOfCurry · 15/10/2017 17:35

So it was unplanned?

He sounds like a wanker and the baby's surname is the least of your problems. Sorry.

liquidrevolution · 15/10/2017 17:36

Life will be easier if he is not on the birth certificate as well...

TittyGolightly · 15/10/2017 17:39

You're not married so there's no way you should give your baby your partner's name.

Huh?

Ellendegeneres · 15/10/2017 17:39

Both my dc have my surname. Never regretted that. I'm not with the fathers, and my kids and I all live under the same roof, so it makes sense (to me) that we all have the same surname.

DontTouchTheMoustache · 15/10/2017 17:39

Would op be able to claim maintenance if his name isnt on the birth certificate?
Either way LTB he isn't worth the effort.

nameohnameohname · 15/10/2017 17:41

He can be on the birth certificate but the baby can still have OP’s surname.

Travis1 · 15/10/2017 17:45

I’ll never understand why unmarried mothers give their baby’s their fathers surname. Especially in a tumultuous relationship or when it’s a very young relationship with unplanned pregnancy.

TBH though the name thing sounds like the least of your bother

PrincessHairyMclary · 15/10/2017 17:46

My ex used to do that, also made abortion jokes. I left him at 7 weeks pregnant. It doesn't look good, once baby's here he may get his act together but he probably won't then it'll be "who wanted the baby" when you ask for help.
Single parent hood is decidedly better than living with a man like that. Have you been together long? I choose to double-barrel DDs name which works well (she does see her dad once a wee) and she likes that's she has both names but I would have hated her to just have his. Even if you are together but unmarried, going to the Drs or on holiday etc often provokes some confusion with officials when children have different names to the adult (usually mum) with them.

kaytee87 · 15/10/2017 17:49

Give the baby your name. You will no doubt split up with this loser and then be really annoyed you've given the baby his name.

0hDeer · 15/10/2017 17:50

Absolutely, unequivocally DO NOT give the baby a different surname to yourself!

If he gets his act together and you marry down the line and decide to.all share a name, then fine. But for now DON'T.

TittyGolightly · 15/10/2017 17:51

I’ll never understand why unmarried mothers give their baby’s their fathers surname.

What has being unmarried got to do with it?

Winebottle · 15/10/2017 17:52

I think mother's name if unmarried, fathers name if married.

I'd wait until the baby is here before you write him off as a father. It is a shock and people react to it differently. There is nothing wrong with him processing it alone.

Ttbb · 15/10/2017 17:54

I would do whatever it took to get him on the birth certificate and then LTB. It's just s name after all. Not important.

Pengggwn · 15/10/2017 17:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DahlTheGalah · 15/10/2017 17:55

Thank you all.

I think the name thing was just the last straw. Find it so bizarre that he assumed the baby would take just his name!

In fact, I have partially moved out - staying with a friend during the week as I was having awful morning sickness and fatigue, in new job, and he either wasn't around or, when he was, would barely make me a cup of tea. We have been together a long time and I am reluctant to throw in the towel if this is just some freak out phase of his, but it just all seems such an effort. He is claiming that by staying elsewhere I am walking away, pushing him out etc yet when I make an effort on the weekend this is what I'm rewarded with! Feel like I am living with a chauvinistic teenager.

Baby not planned but very much wanted (by me and, in some moods, by him). In fact, when we very first got together when I was nineteen, I told him that I would most likely keep the baby if I got pregnant, so having sex was on those terms. We aren't very young (late 20s, mid 30s), and when talking together about contraception choice more recently he actually said if it happened he would be ok with it at our age/stage etc. Should have got it in writing!!

Regarding the birth certificate, I would be interested to hear from anyone who has excluded the father. I would like our son to have a relationship with his dad if possible, though.

OP posts:

kaytee87 · 15/10/2017 17:56

ttbb can I ask why you would want him on the birth certificate? I certainly wouldn't.

Glumglowworm · 15/10/2017 17:56

He sounds like a knob

Definitely give the baby your surname

And think carefully about whether this is a relationship you want to keep.

ErrolTheDragon · 15/10/2017 17:56

YADNBU!
'Uptight?'
On the contrary, he is being presumptuous and sexist to assume that your baby will have only his name. Evven

DahlTheGalah · 15/10/2017 18:01

Incidentally we had been planning to get married, and he knew that I would be keeping my name.

OP posts:

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C0untDucku1a · 15/10/2017 18:03

Leave him. He is a nob. It often takes having the responsibiliity of another human to make Women realise what shit they put up with from the nob prior to that.

Give the baby your surname.

Sort out child maintenance for when baby is born. Officially if necessary.

I would not be making firm decisions on birth certificate at this stage at all. He can apply for it from the courts if he is that fussed. It does not stop the need for him to pay Maintenance.

Reaearch the sunk costs fallacy. www.google.co.uk/amp/www.independent.co.uk/life-style/love-sex/what-to-do-if-your-unhappy-relationship-is-case-of-sunk-cost-fallacy-a7475266.html%3Famp

WineAndTiramisu · 15/10/2017 18:05

I'm currently pregnant, my DP and I aren't married (we'll get round to it eventually!), and the baby is definitely having my surname. DP was slightly surprised I think initially, but has accepted it.

I'll likely change if/when we get married

AdalindSchade · 15/10/2017 18:07

Definitely don't give the baby his name!! Why would you?
However it's churlish to leave him off the birth certificate. He can get PR very easily through the court and it's really not fair on the baby to leave him off.

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