To think he should be looking for a new job

[BrokeAndFedUp]

NC, as delicate matter.

We had our first child 8 weeeks ago and I'm on maternity leave now. I started maternity one week before he was born, so whilst last month's paycheck was okay, this one will be half pay.

DP wanted a baby more than me, so i agreed on the proviso that he looks for a better paid job (he's on entry level wage for his sector - work is unskilled so not very high).

I earn more than DP, but I'm not a high earner by any means. With our combined wages we do okay as we live in cheaper part of country, but on just his wage we won't manage when I drop to stat pay.

At the moment, DP pays mortgage, council tax, internet and pet insurance. I pay utilities, home insurance and car related costs (loan for car, insurance, tax) and the majority of the food bill. I also typically buy extras and spend on home improvement. When I'm on stat pay, my wages will just cover my bills, but I will have nothing extra for food and other additionals.

Our house also needs major improvements. In particular, it needs a complete rewrite as I don't think it's safe. I have got a new 0% credit card to cover this as our savings aren't enough, but I won't have the means to pay it off for a while.

DP has zero interest in finances. He doesn't really seem to understand that we literally won't be able to eat in a few months. He has looked at (let alone applied for) zero jobs.

I BF (and DS will not take a bottle) so it would not really make sense for DP to be on paternal leave whilst I work. I know it's possible, but I don't really want to be doing that. And at any rate, DP would still need a better paid job to help with childcare costs.

I'm annoyed that DP doesn't take this seriously. AIBU to expect him to at least be looking for other positions (as he promised me he would)?

[Isetan]

You've been had, he told you what you wanted to hear to get what he wanted. Yes YANBU about his lie and inaction but you've been foolish to think that he would suddenly become more financially responsible. This is who he is and you are going to have to base your expectations on who he is and not who you want him to be.

[Pansiesandredrosesandmarigolds]

Does he earn more than childcare would cost?

[honeysucklejasmine]

Oh dear. Hindsight is a wonderful thing - job and rewire should have come before baby ideally.

Can you sit him down and show him your financial situation? Ideally it's not necessary to need to spell it out, but sounds like he's not one to consider the future.

[Nuttynoo]

Take your mat leave then return to work. Being a sahm is only ever a valid choice when you can afford it as a family and it seems in this case that you can't - your dh has to stay at home.

[Out2pasture]

what expenses are you able to cut out? until your back at work can you/ would you discontinue the internet and take the insurance off the car and not drive? definitely put any home repairs on hold until your back from maternity leave.

[Gorgosparta]

While you made a deal that he finds better work while you ttc, you both made the decision to ttc before he found a better paid job and did the rewire.

Chances are that it could take him a while to get a better paid job, even if he starts actually looking today. Which means the rewire will be months away. You would be daft to put it on a credit card knowing yoi cant afford the payments.

You need to sit down and discuss this. Is there a reason he isnt applying or wanting a better paid job?

I would also seriously think about returning to work at the end of your mat leave. Money issues can cause resentment and fester. It would be best to be financially secure.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Regarding bfing. Just because your baby won't take a bottle now, it doesn't mean they won't later. I had a friend with the same problem with her ds and she got him to eventually. If you google, there is plenty of advice. One thing she found helped was trying the bottle when the baby had already had some of his feed. I wouldn't write off your dh being a sahp just yet.

[TsunamiOfShit]

It will be hard for now, but when baby is 6 months it won't be exclusively breastfed and if you go back to work you can still bf in mornings and evenings. DP will have to stay home if he earns less!

However, have you checked to see if you're entitled to any tax credits?

[Kingsclerelass]

It sounds like he's happy in his job and that's important. But you still need to sort finances so can he work evenings? A couple of shifts bar work maybe or supermarket delivery would help.

Don't worry about house renovations while you're on ml. Cut the internet? With the extra time at home you can cook & cut food bill quite a bit.
When money gets tight, buy cheaper food & smaller portions . Stop buying beer or crisps. That should get through to him!

[Runlovingmummy81]

As an additional support have you applied for child benefit? This would help a little bit. X

[MargaretCavendish]

Given he currently does unskilled, entry level work how can you be certain that he'd be successful in getting better paid work if he tried? I think you need to work out what to do on the assumption that he doesn't get a new job, because he's proving that he either can't or won't do that. It's clear that that's a big deal to you, and I think you need to think carefully about how happy you are to keep supporting him if it doesn't change.

[TwoKidsAndCounting]

Has he started looking/applying for jobs since your agreement? If not, why not? Is there opportunity for promotion in his current job? You say entry level so is there a pay scale and other benefits?



Money isn't everything, is he home everyday to spend time with the child? Is he a good partner? Can you cut costs in the short term to help you through? Like the car loan for example?

[TheHungryDonkey]

Cut the internet? You can't do a Bloody thing these days without it, especially apply for jobs which is mostly online.

8 weeks is quite fast in new baby terms. Everyone's usually still tired and getting to grips with it all. I wouldn't worry that he hasn't looked yet. At least he has a stable job and money coming in. But maybe it's time to raise the subject again now if it's that essential.

[MargaretCavendish]

8 weeks is quite fast in new baby terms. Everyone's usually still tired and getting to grips with it all. I wouldn't worry that he hasn't looked yet.

Surely she was expecting him to start looking while she was pregnant (or indeed while they were TTCing), so he's had at least nine months? Hindsight is 20/20 and all that but since for her it was a condition of having the baby they probably should have waited to TTC until he at least showed willing by applying for jobs, rather than just claiming he would later.

[BrokeAndFedUp]

We conceived first time. I got swept away with our holiday and the to romance of it all, and I did change my mind when we got home but it was too late. We actually bought the house after finding out I was pregnant, but I didn't realise just how much of a money pit it would be (oldish house - needs a lot more work than originally realised.

Sorry, I realise my post isn't clear, and I do intend to return to work after mat leave. I meant I would rather be off on mat leave than him take time off for parental leave for the next few months.

[ShotsFired]

You do seem to have got things a little upside down - holidays as a priority over safe wiring, getting pregnant before sorting out his job.

But, you are where you are now. As a pp said, "This is who he is". You're going to have to adjust to the new reality of him not really giving much of a shit about finding better work and the rest of it; any changes will be down to you improving your own lot. Sorry to be so blunt, but that is about the long and short of it.

Enjoy your maternity leave and use the time to make the necessary plans for your family.

[Idontevencareanymore]

Have you checked out what you're entitled to?
Child tax credits may be an option depending on income and they disregard so much percentage of mat pay.
Child benefit I assume you've applied for?

But really could these things wait until you're back to work? Are they super urgent?

I do think though if these things were deal breakers you should have started job hunting before ttc. Had everything in place then got pregnant. Nothing much can be done now except maybe pushing him to look and apply.

[BrokeAndFedUp]

I can't cut the internet. Especially if he does start looking for jobs. We don't have TV packages or anything extra.

I also am reluctant to get rid of the car. I only passed my test last year (and DP doesn't drive). I do need it for some independence as I can't get around otherwise. There isn't anything else to cut.

I haven't applied for for child benefit yet, as my computer won't load the forms, but yes that will help. We earnt too much last year to qualify for any additional tax credits.

When I RTW, we should both be able to work compressed hours so only need 3 days childcare. However it's more the issue that he just expects me to sort everything out (he'd be happy for me to progress my career and he work in a low stress/ low paid job - whereas I want us to equals). He doesn't have any motivation at all to do better things. And we need the financial support now.

I'm happy for him to just look in his sector (civil service) for advancements, but he won't even do that! He did apply for 1(!) job whilst I was pregnant but needed to rewrite his competencies. It just never happened.

[MargaretCavendish]

So his 'promise' was something he said on holiday, presumably also swept up in the 'romance'? I think you have to accept that, as yourself say, he just doesn't care about money and a better job. Nor, sadly, does he seem motivated by the fact it matters to you. I think you have to plan in the assumption that he won't get a better job, and be pleasantly surprised if he does. Congratulations on the new baby (I, and lots of other people, would swap my well-paid job for what you have in a heartbeat!), and I hope it all works out for you, even if it's tight for a bit.

[BrokeAndFedUp]

You do seem to have got things a little upside down - holidays as a priority over safe wiring, getting pregnant before sorting out his job.

It's the way things happened, rather than priorities as such. Last year we were renting and I was saving for a house deposit. We were also going annual normal holidays.
Our last holiday he suggested TTC, I agreed, but changed my mind when we got home again. However we were already successful.

We bought the house this year, after finding out about pregnancy. I reasoned that it would be easier to get a mortgage before first child and we could start creating some security for him. Some of the house needs (such as rewiring) were only noticed once we moved in.

If we hadn't have conceived, then I would have told him that we wait until we buy a house and get settled - but I got swept away on a night of romance and that was it really!

[opheliacat]

If he is on a low wage and you are not currently working, you should be entitled to some tax credits I would have thought.

Do you have plans in place for childcare when you go back?

[expatinscotland]

It's not unreasonable to think he should, but he won't and this is who he is, you'll have to make the best of it. He won't change.

[AnchorDownDeepBreath]

(he'd be happy for me to progress my career and he work in a low stress/ low paid job - whereas I want us to equals_

There's the crux of it. You can't force ambition. You'll cause stress, resentment and frustration all round.

[Standingcat]

Can he get overtime or work Saturday? To get more cash?

TBH he doesn't sound very grown up, you are almost parenting him? is he planning to learn to drive?

[AnneElliott]

If he's civil service then there's no excuse for not looking for another job. There's loads advertised for internal candidates.

If you can get him to write his competencies then he can probably apply for several jobs at the same time.