DM and DF infantilising my nearly 7 y/o DS

[ProseccoandPizza]

Background: My parents played a very integral part of raising my DS as a baby and small child. DS is very close to my parents and I've always encouraged this and facilitated it.

I split with DS's father at 10 months due to Donestic Violence. My parents were always there when to babysit if I wanted a night out or to visit my friends in a different city. DS's father has been notoriously difficult over the years. Violent and aggressive towards me in front of DS in 2015. Court order for custody which he has repeatedly breached (when ever anything comes up he drops DS and priorities his GF and subsequent children.) So my DS has probably stayed at least once a month or more with my DParents since around one years old.

DS and I have never lived with my parents as we had our own place but stayed there over Christmas, birthdays etc.

For job related reasons from December to May/June last year DS stayed every other weekend at my parents.

Over the last year or so my parents seem to be refusing to acknowledge that DS is no longer a baby or toddler in some respects and in others treating him as a teenager.

He is allowed to eat all food in his or their bed at their house if he wants, calls my DF to bring drinks to him, doesn't use cutlery, my parents wash his hair in the bath, dry him afterwards and then dress him. To the point he doesn't even put his own pants on. Last weekend they joked that he was tired as my DM only took tablet off him at 23:30 when she absolutely needed to go to sleep herself.

A typical morning is my not so dear father goes out shopping returns with a Greggs sausage roll that DS eats in their bed whilst watching his tablet, then two slices of toast followed by tea and biscuits. They laugh how DS shouts how long will it take?

For further background my younger DB is turning 27, doesn't know how to do most things including grocery shopping, cooking, making a cup of tea, ironing or even putting a washing machine on. My DF takes his breakfast up on a tray in the morning, my DM irons all his clothes and takes him to work. He then texts my DM when he is on bus home so she can put his dinner on.

I've just had a raised words phonecall with my DM based on all the above. She claims that as grandparents their allowed to spoil him. I say there's a difference between spoiling i.e. A big bag of sweets, McDonald's or a day out and what their doing which is effectively keeping DS a small dependent child who in effect doesn't want to return home to me because I make him put his rubbish in the bin, clothes off the bathroom floor, use cutlery, put his clean underwear away and generally be a more independent child with a bedtime.

The AIBU is an I being unreasonable to stop DS from staying overnight there now as they are completely unwilling to see that they are turning him into a brat just like DB?

[Cherrytart6]

Yes I'd only do limited access on my terms. So a couple of hours here and there to lessen their impact

[Somerville]

My parents are ridiculously overindulgent with my DC. I think that's quite natural for some grandparents, and don't think it's a big deal really, as long as the child doesn't spend too much time there.
In your shoes I wouldn't stop your son going there overnight but I wouldn't allow it on a school night since they don't enforce bedtimes.

[Dustbunny1900]

If they aren't willing to abide by your ground rules as his parent, then no, YANBU.
My parents also helped raise my son cause I was a teen mother , and they get a bit pushy in how they think he should be raised. But you are the parent

[Aquamarine1029]

Since your son doesn't really stay with your parents all that much, I think you should address this issue with your son and not your parents, especially since you've tried that and it went over like a fart in church. Explain to your son that grandma and grandpa love to spoil him and that's fine, but that is not the way the real world works and not the way he will be treated at home. Teach him the life skills he needs at your home and let your parents spoil him at theirs. Obviously, if your parents do something unsafe or really unhealthy, then you might have to speak to them about it. As for your brother, your parents certainly aren't doing him any favors, but that really isn't any of your business. Why your parents want their adult son to be a useless man-child is beyond me, but that's just the way it is.

[arethereanyleftatall]

They sound terrible, but you're doing most of the parenting, so don't worry about it.

[BenLui]

I would seriously consider limiting overnights, especially given your experience with your brother.

I'd be working on my DS too, talking up being "grown up" and about how fantastic it is that he can tidy, learn to cook a bit, use the hoover etc (or whatever). Does he have friends who do lots at home so he can see that it's "normal"?

[BarbarianMum]

I think I'd limit contact tbh. I wouldn't want to get to a point in his teens when his answer to you laying down boundaries is him stropping off to live with/be spolit by his grandparents. They need to respect you as his mum, even if they do spoil him a little bit.

[LogicalPsycho]

YANBU to feel that way. I was married to a man whose DM brought him up that way. He was much like your DB is, and I was expected to do all these things his mother did for him that he really should do as as an independent human being. He was fucking useless- we didn't live together before getting married so I had no clue. It lasted a year after that. There is nothing less appealing than an incompetent man.

I would tell your parents that if they can't follow your basic requests, won't acknowledge how difficult it makes things for you at home, and can't see why treating a 7y/o like that is detrimental to them, then they can't look after him.
Why anyone would want to encourage this is beyond me.

[Ttbb]

It would be unreasonable not to stop the overnight visits. You don't want him to end up like your brother do you?

[ProseccoandPizza]

BarbarianMum that's exactly what I'm scared of. That at one point he's going to say he wants to live with them and have an easier life as a child/teen.

I've only been asking him to 'help' literally the last six months to a year. I.e. attempt to make his bed in the mornings, pick up his clean underwear/socks from bottom of stairs and put away, come collect ironed pyjamas and put away, take his plate/drink out and put in sink, any rubbish he creates goes in the bin etc. He asks to use spray mop to mop downstairs.

It's the day he comes back that's worst. He woke me up at 2:30am to ask me to go to downstairs toilet with him. Questioned my mum this morning and yes she wakes up in night and takes him to toilet and then returns to her bed. Have had to remind him to use cutlery, take plates out, pick his clothes up off bathroom floor after his shower.

So glad that I've posted her as DM genuinely had me convinced I was the one being unreasonable. That all grandparents treat grandchildren like this. I pointed it about DB being exactly what I don't want DS to turn out like and she thinks that's normal too. I said he's going to be living with them forever and not getting a chance at normal life.

[Hissy]

How did they treat YOU growing up OP? We're you allowed to lay around doing naff all, having them wait hand and foot on you?

If not...

Then you know that domestic violence relationship you had? They programmed you for it.

Please sort out better child care for your ds. It's not good enough for you as it stands and it will really bugger up your lovely boy. He's 7 now, a tricky age, but just wait till he gets to 10 or 11... that's when hormones start to flare up.

[PretentiousMNUsername]

What Somerville says - limit the overnights and explain to DS that being spoiled is nice once in a while but too much and you're Verucca Salt.

Show him Charlie and the Chocolate Factory if he hasn't seen it - my DD is near 7 and it really helped her understand how not to talk to people!

[Mummyoflittledragon]

My mother brought my brother and me up to be totally incompetent in that department. And in many other ways we won't go into here. She thought she was doing me a favour, afterall, I'd be running my own home for a long time. Thing is, I didn't know how to cook or use a washing machine or do many of the basic things required to be an adult. The only thing I knew to do was iron as my aunt taught me. My brother is a man child. I learnt to cook, clean, use a washing machine etc etc.

You probably aren't going to make them change their ways. I agree with Acquamarine. I'd address it with your ds. If he becomes really bratty, then I'd reduce contact if they can't change. My dd is 9. She sees the difference between the way grandma treats her and us as her parents.

[BenLui]

My PILs would treat my DC like that given half a chance, but the children won't let them. They like being considered grown up and they like being independent (on an age appropriate way).

The PILs visited recently when we were in the middle of housework. The kids were both helping and she was appalled. Told me I was treating them like servants. They laughed at her and told her not to be so silly.

[MrsOverTheRoad]

You urgently need to find different childcare or your son will end up fat at best and spoiled, useless at worst.

Stop sending him there.

[Fairenuff]

How did they treat YOU growing up OP? We're you allowed to lay around doing naff all, having them wait hand and foot on you?

Yes, I would like to know about this too...

[TitaniasCloset]

I agree with most pp, and with you op, they are doing him no favours.

[Neutrogena]

is it not a case of their house their rules?

[SisterhoodisPowerful]

As others have said, you need to stop overnight visits and start talking to your son about growing up & the importance of learning skills like making own breakfast.

[BenLui]

No Neutrogena it's not.

Not when your child's welfare comes into it.

"Their house, their rules" is fine if that means shoes off at the door and no electronics at the tea table. It's absolutely not fine if a 7yo is staying up until 11:30pm and being given unlimited food.

[ProseccoandPizza]

Hissy that's a really good point. My brother and I were raised very differently. There's probably far too much to go into on here right now. But yes I could iron from 11-12 and ironed all my school uniform etc. Had to take dog for walks before school. Wasn't allowed to see friends unless it was at a school disco where my dad would literally be inside the leisure centre waiting to pick me up, didn't get to go to prom. Made to dump my first boyfriend around my 17th birthday because I was too young.

My parents also have a history of domestic violence. A few isolated incidents over the space of 15 years. Only one involved me on a horrible Boxing Day where because my mum didn't want sex my dad started smashing up house, I called police on new mobile which my 'df' threw out of the window and me down the stairs followed by an ironing board..... he was taken away and cautioned but my DM refused to press charges.

TBH I think I've pretty much blocked out my childhood. I was bullied in school and my parents decisions made me prone to further bullying.

The more I think about it the more I realise how they've dictated to me through my life. I'm still angry at how they discarded all my decisions when DS was little.
I was very conscious of DS ending up with the same disordered eating as DB and I. I weaned him completely on organic food. But I didn't know from 6-12 months they were feeding him milky bars and Quavers behind my back. I was determined DS would eat better than me (didn't eat pizza or curry until 18/19. I've never managed to eat steak, pork etc. I still can't eat a lot of fruit and prefer a very carby diet.) But realistically they sabotaged it from the word go.
I'm still repeatedly explaining why added salt is bad to DS as DP's allow him to add 5 or 6 sachets to McDonald's fries.

[Zaphodsotherhead]

Have you asked your DP's what would happen to your DB in the event that they were no longer able to care for him?

Never mind your son, they might be expecting you to take on the care of your DB too! This isn't so much infantalising, it's totally ruining a human life!

[viques]

you know how they brought your brother up, so when you chose to make use of your parents offer to give you time off from parenting, support with babysitting ,childcare etc etc you must have known that they would continue in the same vein.

So now you have a choice, either you cut all overnight contact, which would be a shame as your son and his grandparents obviously get on well and he likes going there, and it helps you out, or you sit your son down and explain that he is getting too big too be dried and dressed, that eating without cutlery is what babies do and that he needs to stop expecting his gran and grandad to still treat him like an infant when he is now a big boy.

You are not going to change your parents attitudes, but you can limit the effect they have on your son.

[BenLui]

Given your last thread Prosecco I wouldn't personally be allowing him there unsupervised.

I'd find other childcare.

[WhoreOfBabyliss]

Take this very seriously OP ( I know that you are) My DBro and his wife infantilised both their children to the point where they are neither of them able to function in the real world. They are now repeating this behaviour with their two Grandchildren. Luckily the son's wife has recognised it and stepped in and limited contact but in a nice way. It is pernicious and hard to watch. The grandson behaves like a 12 yo at home and a 4yo when with them. Terrible parenting.