Angry at mother

[bella7687]

So my mother has decided to stop all contact with me because I decided to allow my husband to move back in ( we split up four months ago, after meeting up, lots of talking we have decided to give it another go). Anyway my mother is not happy about this because when we first got married it was just a registry wedding no family present, and she feels she wasn't given "her rights of passage " (her words) in giving me away, since she was a single mother and devoted her life to me. She wants us to do the proper wedding before he moves back, because she cannot recognise him as my husband (we have been married for five years with two kids!!!). So I told her she really doesn't have a right to decide if and when he moves back in as it's my home, and we got married five years ago she needs to get over it, plus we can't start to plan a wedding before he moves back in ! She also wanted me to postpone him moving back till november as my grandmother wants to visit in October and doesnt particularly like my husband, so would rather not be around him. Anyway conversation didn't go well and she has said she no longer wants contact with me, she has refused to answer my calls or messages. Honestly I think she is quite ridiculous.

[dollydaydream114]

She's mad.

[PollyFlint]

Why doesn't your grandmother like your husband? Has she just taken against him for no valid reason or do your family think he's abusive towards you or something like that?

Assuming there is no issue here with your DH treating you badly and you agreeing to take him because he says he'll change ... then yes, your mum is being absolutely absurd over the whole thing. It's ridiculous. She doesn't get to decide if/when you decide to have someone move in with you, or what sort of wedding you have.

[Topseyt]

On the face of it, it isn't your mother's business and giving you away really isn't a rite of passage (rite, it means ritual, more or less)

Is there more though? What caused you to split up? Did it have anything to do with her? I guess that the relationship between your Mum and your DH is not great?

[Oliversmumsarmy]

Why did your dh move out in the first place?

[bella7687]

The relationship is not great between my DH and mum, because ever since we got married she has acted like he stole me from her, she has constantly pitted him against my family. For example I couldn't attend my brothers graduation bevause i was leaving in Asia at the time and couldn't just fly back because of my job, and she told everyone my husband wouldn't allow me to come and i had ruined my brothers graduation. In her mind she feels he controls me and tells me what to do, if I dont agree with what she is saying she thinks it's him telling me what to think. Initially she got on well with him, but she just then switched and stopped speaking to him.

[fc301]

She's very toxic. She is being completely unreasonable and irrational. Minimise contact (let her give you the silent treatment).
Remember you are on Team DH/DC and let nothing jeopardise it.

[DJBaggySmalls]

If it was just your mother, then it would be just her issues. but it isnt. Its two female members of your family. Also, you recently split up.
So not everything is as rosy as you are saying. Its possible that theres more going on than you are aware of. Or that you are minimizing problems.
Since no one here knows you, its a bit difficult to be more precise.

[bella7687]

The thing is I really love my mum, I enjoy speaking to her, but it feels like I need to choose between DH and my mum. Is it that awful to do a registry wedding ? would you feel cheated if your daughter got married without you ? I dont think it is such a big deal, but am I naive.

[bella7687]

of course things are not rosy, we split up for four months, we had problems in our marriage, especially about finances. However I have decided to give it another go, and see if we can work things out. I am not asking them to like him, but for my mum to feel she has the right to tell me what to do , i believe is completely wrong. And really I think it is more to do with the fact that she is not happy about the way we got married, because she wants me to do the proper wedding first before we get back together. My grandmother also got on well with my husband, but my mum constantly bitches about him to her, especially about the fact that we didnt get married properly.

[BackforGood]

Is it that awful to do a registry wedding ? would you feel cheated if your daughter got married without you ?

Nothing awful at all about a registry office wedding.
I would feel sad / disappointed if any of my dc decided I was so unimportant in their lives that they didn't want me to be at such a big life event, yes.
However that is nothing to do with your mother's behaviour now. It is between you and your husband if you decide to try to work things out. She really is behaving very oddly.

[bella7687]

I didnt just decideI didnt want her at my wedding, there were many issues as to why we did registry wedding, he lived abroad, me in the UK, I got a job in Asia so we needed to be married for him to also get a long term visa so we could live together over there. We initially planned to have a proper wedding, however life took over, and we had so many other things to sort out, plus I had two children in between. I didnt just decide to shut her out of my wedding, I dont get why she feels so cheated.

[WhereWhyWhat]

Your mum sounds hideous OP. Is it possible your gran's opinion of your husband is based on misinformation from your mum?

But... is the break up/financial back-story something we need to know more about? Is it possible your mum knows that your husband has been abusive to you in some way? Financially?

[GrockleBocs]

Separate the issues. You are a grown up. If you choose to stay together you need to be a team. She needs to accept you are a grown up and her judgement isn't a factor.
First thing on here when your dc is in a bad relationship is to keep communications open for emergencies. And if your dc isn't in a bad relationship but is having difficulties, then butt out because it will haunt you.

[bella7687]

My grandmother's knowledge of my relationship comes solely from my mother she tells her all sorts, i have given up trying to correct them. My mother believes my husband is abusive, she thinks he stole me from her and the rest of my family. She doesn't like the fact that he didn't work for most of our relationship and was looking after the kids, she believes men should absolutely provide for the family, and doesn't care for a SAHD although he will be working from September, And out youngest will go to nursery. DH moved out because we had been arguing and not getting on. I just think her thought process is flawed, if I told her we were doing our big wedding next week she would happily go along with it, so no deep down I do not think she actually this he is as bad as she says. Also i would think if u were thay concerned, isn't it better to stay in contact so she can ensure I'm okay rather than stopping all contact.

[bella7687]

I'm sorry for all the typos.

[Beadieeye]

Her argument is bizarre. She's being very selfish to personalise the shitty time you've obviously had of late. This is not about her.
Even if she has reservations for valid reasons about you getting back together, that doesn't give her ownership or the right to dictate to you- and there's no need for her to come up such a daft excuse as to why she doesn't want to see you back with him.
Often, during breakups, the ones you'd expect support from just see it as an excuse to control and get offended if the break up is only temporary.
Wrong of her to force you to choose, she should just support you regardless.

[user1485639128]

Nothing wrong with having a registry office wedding but I would be very upset if my daughter got married and I wasn't there

[bella7687]

I did not run off and get married, I had my mums full consent and so did my husband, My mum knew all the details, she even bought my flight ticket. I know we havent got around to doing the actual wedding and she can be annoyed about that. But it has been five years we have two kids together, I just feel she should get over it by now, plus she has five other children to do a wedding for! Secondly I do have problems in my marriage, and my mum thinks it's because we never had a proper marriage, no family was present at the registry etc, so now we should do a proper wedding before we come back together or atleast start to plan one. I cannot agree to that because we have just been separated for four months, I would like to spend some time actually working on our relationship and confirming we still want to be together, really planning a wedding now will cloud all of that, what if we can't work it out, and then split up in the midst of doing a wedding. I'm just annoyed that I am going through problems in my marriage and she has just made it about her, which she does all the time.

[Partypolitics99]

I would be upset yes but I hope I would get over it quickly and see the bigger picture

[IrritatedUser1960]

I think my mother would totally disown me if I took my husband back.
However, she will not be around for ever. You should do as you see fit.

[bella7687]

Irritateduser1960 why would your mother disown if you took your husband back? Why did you split up?

[TheWernethWife]

I may have got this wrong but, if you are already legally married surely you can't have another wedding

[Oliversmumsarmy]

Personally I would be devastated that my dd thought so little of me that she couldn't be bothered to invite me to her wedding whether it was in a registry office or in St Pauls Cathedral.

I am still not understanding why you didn't invite her no matter how busy you were.

Am I right in thinking that you married someone from abroad so that he could move with you to Asia where he lived off you and didn't work even though at the time you were childfree. Then he steps into the role of SAHD and only now 5 years later is he planning on going back to work.

What did he do before he married you?

In some ways I can see why your mum is not happy.

Are you planning in a 3rd child

[2ducks2ducklings]

Back for good-how does a registry office wedding signify that you are unimportant in your child's lives? What about the millions of wedding posts on mumsnet telling people to have the wedding that THEY want and not do things just to keep others happy? It does that but apply to over bearing mothers? There is absolutely nothing wrong with having a registry office wedding.

[bella7687]

Oliver'smumsarmy it wasn't a case of not inviting her, we got married in a scrappy registry abroad, where my husband was living at the time. I dont know if u know about expat life but generally its a lot harder for the trailing spouse to get a job as well, I didn't have any issue with this as I wanted him to follow me to where I was going to be working. The reason why she didn't attend was simply because i had to travel to get married, it was a pretty dingy registry, i didnt want to make a fuss, So i told her she didn't have to come because it wasn't a big deal, however if she had insisted to come, I wouldn't have stopped her. Either way that was five years ago, and she still goes on about not having her rigjht as mother to see me get married. Surely her focus right now should to be ensuring I am happy in the relationship before we start planning a wedding. If things between me and my DH work out, we will do a proper wedding just for her so she can feel happy but not right now.