NDN banging door repeatedly

[SparkyTheCat]

First timer on AIBU so please be nice!

Problem is with NDN - semi detached, so DH and I accept there realistically will be some noise and are fine with that. However NDN bangs the door repeatedly on leaving for work first thing, then again on returning home. Sometimes this can be 30+ times - we’ve counted - and is loud enough to wake us up.

On bumping into NDN I asked nicely was everything ok with the front door as it seemed to be sticking a lot and DH and I could often hear the banging. NDN says it’s actually a counting/security ritual due to OCD and is apologetic, which of course leaves me feeling terrible for raising the subject.

Otherwise NDN is a good neighbour and - before I get flamed - I do understand it isn’t being done deliberately to annoy - but it’s maddening nonetheless. Sometimes they bang the door so hard the whole building shakes - at 7.00 bloody AM!! Over and over again. To my shame yesterday I snapped and yelled “stop banging” knowing they would hear - normally I'd just lie there fuming in silence, but I really was at the end of my tether. AIBU to approach NDN about this again, and if so how would you approach it?

[Toomanycats99]

My sister has this issue in that she pulls and pushes the door multiple times after locking to check so I understand that. However I must admit I would struggle to see why this needs to be done loud enough as it seems they are. Can you approach it from that angle rather than the 'doing'?

[MrsOverTheRoad]

I think if you carry on the way you have then you will make their anxiety even worse unfortunately.

Earplugs?

[SparkyTheCat]

MrsOverTheRoad please read my post - I asked once very nicely having no idea that was going to be the answer, and backed off as soon as they mentioned the OCD. The yelling yesterday was a one-off exception after months and months of being disturbed. I absolutely do not want to make the poor person's anxiety any worse - but what about my peace and sanity?!

[MrsOverTheRoad]

SParky I did read your post. You're getting defensive over nothing.

[BeeFarseer]

I would raise it again. Like you said, it's the volume of the banging that's irritating, not the number of times the door is opened and closed.

You don't know until you talk to him whether the force of the banging is necessary. It may be that he's able to do it more quietly. If not, then you've made him aware it's an issue for you and it may push him to get some help.

I'm very sympathetic of mental health difficulties and neurological differences, before anyone starts. I don't think there's​ any harm in talking to him about whether he can moderate it.

[jacks11]

I don't think it would be unreasonable to raise it again. Not in "stop doing it" sense, more in a "could you do it less vigorously/loudly" sense.

Your neighbour isn't doing it out of malice/thoughtlessness but because of their OCD which makes it harder to approach, but I think there should be a way to compromise- such as shutting the door more softly.

[Maman79]

Can't he use the back door?

[AnnieAnoniMouse]

Go & talk to him, be really nice, but firm.

He will need to find a quieter way to meet his needs. It's entirely possible.

[Dawndonnaagain]

Can't he use the back door? WTF?

[Dawndonnaagain]

Can you suggest that you come up with a method that satisfies their anxiety and your need for peace, between you?

[Monkeyface26]

I really do not think you are being unreasonable. Which of us would not be bothered by the door being slammed up to 30 times so hard that the building shakes at 7am? Of course your neighbour's mh issues mean that you need to be kind in your approaches, but you have every right to ask them to close the door more quietly and, if this is not possible, then they need to seek further mh support. I think you need to patient but clear about your needs.

[Naicehamshop]

OMG - that would drive me round the bend!

I can understand that he needs to push the door multiple times to check that it is locked (one of my colleagues does the same) but why does he need to bang it?

[kali110]

Ask him to not slam it? I check the door so i do understand, but slamming it is not ok.

[lobsterface]

As someone with OCD rituals involving the door...complaining is actually helpful. The advice is family and friends shouldn't tolerate these rituals. I mean don't be rude about it, but slamming it that many times is unhelpful to you and them. Have a chat and explain how frustrating it is for you, nicely of course. If it's that bad they need to seek help and you could help encourage that.

[ijustwannadance]

It sounds like they aren't convinced the door is properly closed, so reopen then slam it to make sure.
That would piss anyone off if it was 30 times multiple times a day.

I would tell them gently that their behaviour is really affecting you now.

[Getoutofthatgarden]

Just because they have OCD doesn't give them a licence to disrupt their neighbours. So they know it's annoying you but basically they're going to carry on?

[hellobonjour]

Oh dear that would drive me bonkers.

I don't even know what the solution would be if they refuse to stop it. I'd be ready to lean out the window and give them both barrels.

[kaitlinktm]

Earplugs won't help if the building is shaking.

I agree with PP, whilst you can be sympathetic to their problem, their needs shouldn't trump yours.

[BeepBeepMOVE]

If someones mental health issues are impacting on someone else life then something needs to be done. It is not acceptable to slam a door 30 times when it is attached to someone else home too. I would d have a chat and make it clear that this is causing an issue maybe they will realise how serious the issue is and get some help. Or i would make a complain too the council. The reason for the slamming does not change the fact it is having a negative effect on your daily life.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

I agree with the asking him to do it quietly. Perhaps you could go round and work out a plan together so that he feels the door is shut and can continue his ritual without disturbing you.

[SparkyTheCat]

MrsOverTheRoad sorry I came across as defensive. Am v cross and upset with myself that I reacted the way I did yesterday, after trying so hard to be tolerant, so yes I'm a bit sensitive about it right now.

Thank you so much everyone for your kind, supportive and practical replies. I honestly expected to be told I'm a horrible neighbour. You've helped me clarify my thinking (banging is tolerable per se, is the amount and force which is the issue), reassured that it is ok to say something and ideas for things to suggest. Thank you!

[PeaFaceMcgee]

Hope he can compromise with you!

[siamaria]

You're not being unreasonable at all. They really need to confront this.

[Cupcake1315]

I have this issue, I was a bit shocked to see an above poster refer to it as a mental health issue. I have to repeatedly check my door handle, if someone hurries me, then I'm anxious all day wondering if I've left it wide open, destroys my whole day by worrying. 30 times however is a bit much. I lock the door and wiggle the handle six times saying one two one two as I do it. My ex thought I was off my rocker and would actually say to me when I was out in town did you remember to check the door, hence anxiety and panicking. But yes do go and mention it. I don't bang doors I just wiggle handles, maybe she can do the handle check if it's mainly OCD aimed at security. I'm trying to stop now as my four year old son has started to copy me, but it's hard, I can't tell you how reassuring the checks makes someone with OCD feels.

Hope you both can sort this.

[AwaywiththePixies27]

7am? My cul de sac neighbours bang their work van doors repeatedly at 1am and 4am.

can't he use the back door?

Sorry. Are you suggesting someone who's anxiety rituals are sometimes done imoulsively in fewr of change, changes their routine because their neighbours a bit pissed off with them?

I have OCD. I do the thing with the door. (not to that extent anyway) but its fucking debilitating when you have the sort of OCD where even the slightest change sets off the biggest panic attacks. (yes I know there's other forms, yes I'm getting CBT, yes i know it's irrational but it doesn't stop it being very real to me).

OP. You could stay here with me for a week. A week of constant fucking parties until 3/4am by a group of pissed up potheads you'll hung your NDN when you get back!

Get some earplugs.