To think I should run for the f*cling hills?(31 Posts)
There's so much more to this than I can write but basically after a weekend of rows...weekend after weekend of fighting and blame and unhappiness I have calmly sat down with DH and said that whatever else is going on, I, we, have to commit to not fighting and shouting in front of the children for their emotional and psychological well-being. DS had two big meltdowns today and I believe it's a reaction to us. Even if I'm wrong (and I could be), it's still awful. We've both shouted so loud as to scare DD who is 9 months old.
I've sat down and voiced my concern over DS and what the fighting a doing to the children. He said...you are over-dramatising, you need to control yourself more, you lose your rag with the children more times than we fight, I'm worried about the children. I said how on earth do you know what happens 95% of the time when you are not here. He said that's exactly what I'm worried about. I said how dare he imply that the children are in danger with me. To avoid another row I went to bed shaking and panicking. I have been depressed and was on ADs. I have self harmed out of sheer desperate frustrating with DH and our situation. After years of self harm I have to my utter shame lashed out at DH. This is on no level ok and i make no excuse. He brings out the very worst in me...we do in each other (this weekend he ripped the stairs gates off the stairs and threw washing everywhere, he has also pushed me into a cupboard and pushed me onto the sofa not letting me get up...he has never hit me and I would be a hypocrite to lay it all at his door) but he keeps telling me how moody, negative, rude and disrespectful I am.
We are on the rocks at the moment. This weekend has been awful but it's all my fault as usual. I'm selfish and inconsiderate and nasty. I can expand further but basically I am terrified that if it comes to it he will lever the mental health issues. I absolutely do not lose my rag with the children all the time. It is utter bollocks but he makes me question my sanity over who I am and what I do. I have never ever hurt or hit the children. Never. Not once. I practice gentle attachment parenting but I am human, I'm sleep deprived with DD and it was 100x worse with DS who didn't sleep for 2.5 years. I was tortured with it.
Anyway. Lots more than I can actually put down here but what do I, oh wise and fair MN people?
do you want to be with him? if it werent for the kids would you still be together?
It sounds to me as if you don't really like each other very much. Having a family is stressful, perhaps you both need to think long and hard about what you both want.
I think you'd probably be alot less stressed and depressed not living with someone who you in constant conflict with, when tjey should be providing you with support.
I've been here and I walked away, temporarily. We were horrible to each other, always yelling and sniping. I would goad him until he shoved me then lay all the blame on him. It was a truly horrific time.
I left, with 1yo DS. We lived with my parents for 4 months while DH decided what we wanted to do. For us, we were able to work at what was wrong, went for counselling together and individually. 10 years on, we are stronger than ever and row very, very seldomly.
One of you needs to leave, being on top of each other while feeling so bad is never going to work out. You need the distance to be able to make a clear decision.
It sounds like a very unhealthy relationship. You say you have lashed out at him, but him pushing you and physically keeping you from moving sounds abusive to me. As does throwing things about in a rage. It sounds very destructive and not a nice environment for either of you, or for the children. Sorry if I have misunderstood but are you worried that if you do leave, he will try and use your MH issues as a reason to limit your access to your children? I think in your situation I would be planning to separate - start thinking about finances and other practicalities and seeking professional advice.
Pushing you, ripping stair gates, he is an abusive prick.
You're right that if you stay, you are going to fuck your children up, so it's a straight decision between your Partner and children.
If you pick your Partner do the best thing and consider giving them up. It's escalated to physical, what more do you need to put your children first?
If he pushes you and you argue all the time, that's not on.
I'd personally think about a separation. Unless you want to try Relate, if that would work.
do you think you'd be calmer and happier without him? I make no claims to wisdom, but your DH is supposed to back you up, not undermine you - that seems a fundamental building block that's absent in your relationship. He may threaten all sorts if you split but unless you've got a long history of derelict parenting, or he has, it'll likely end in a sensible shared care arrangement.
I think envision your future without him - not rose-tinted, from a practical perspective and think about how you and your DC would be and if that's better?
It doesn't sound like a positive relationship generally. The rowing and shouting you describe are not normal in any healthy relationship. Even if you love each other, you need counselling at the very least, but possibly some time apart.
This level of stress and mutual aggression is bad for everybody - you, your DH and most of all your children, for whom this has become normal and something to accept in their own future relationships.
Is there anybody either one of you could stay with? Are you receiving care for your mental health right now?
record everything he has said, and anything else you recall. Send it to yourself in an e-mail (assuming he cannot access your e-mails) because then you have a time and date stamp. File it somewhere safe in it's own folder.
It sounds like he might be 'building a case'..... he is certainly gaslighting. So you need time and date stamped proof of the abuse you are going through.
You are describing a violent relationship. Either both of you commit to change using a qualified therapist or you leave. It is very unhealthy to have children in this atmosphere.
You can blame one another all you want, and he does sound bloody awful TBH, but unless things change you are seriously risking the health and happiness of the DC.
So agree on one thing...how do we best change this?
It sounds like he might be 'building a case'
I got that impression too.
you are over-dramatising, you need to control yourself more
He's not willing to admit his role in it, until he does nothing can change. I suggest you do what someone up thread did. Split to see if you can salvage your relationship. It must have been good once and your children are young.
By the way, he doesn't have to hit you to be abusive, he sounds very abusive. For your children's sake I would separate for now.
Youre both disgraceful, forcing your children to live in this environment. They shouldn't be subjected to it for one more day. Id go do far as to say you're both emotionally abusing them. Disgusting.
You've answered your question yourself. You should run for the hills.
Sorry but yoou are right that the shouting needs to stop. He is wrong to say its all your faukt, to use your MH as stick to beat you up with, sort of mentioning you are a bad parent for always shouting at the dcs etc... whilst never been there himself.
If it was that bad, surely he shouod WANT to be there for the dcs and to ensure that they are not at risk??
And YY about building a case. Please just leave. Get some peace and quiet and regain your self confidence. The fact you are hurting so much over him that yiu have resorted to self harm should tell you all there is to say. That this relatuinhsip is NOT good and that you shouod leave. Like yesterday when you started self harming.
neonrainbow kicking someone when they're down is discussing. The OP sounds like the main carer of two young children and someone who is self harming. Self harming is usually caused by a feeling of total lack of control due to being controlled and abused. OP you see there's a problem and you're looking for help, that's so far from from discussing right now. Ignore unhelpful comments like this.
I'm 25 and I honestly grew up in a house like this. I would watch my father beat my mother. I was 5 and would cry begging them to stop.They'd argue and fight. There was no real love and respect. She would never leave and stayed for us. I remember wishing that they would just divorce. It really did affect me, and explains so much of my depression, because I never really felt safe at home. It's only now after I've been in intensive therapy that I can see how much of my home life is a contributing factor. I let a boy who I loved treat me badly because that's what I saw growing up. My brother also struggles with severe depression too.
Your poor 9 month old dd. Your children honestly deserve to live in a safe home. This is not normal. At this point being together is toxic for the both of you and I think you already know what to do.
You need to separate. Time apart Will let you know whether this can be fixed, but keeping on as you are Will only cause more destruction. Your children are suffering , make no mistake.
You're wrong when you claim to practice gentle attachment parenting. You don't. You scream and shout at/with your husband, you both shove one another around, you have already traumatised your son from the sound of it... and you do all this right in front of them. Around them. In the one place that they are meant to feel safe... their home.
Other posters have said how diabolical you are. I think you're actually very sleep deprived, depressed, and fed up with doing 95% of the childcare from the sounds of it. How much time does your husband devote to the children you share, when he's not pulling stairgates from the wall and throwing them around, pushing you into cupboards and onto the sofa, intimidating you, preventing you from doing anything until he's had his rant...? Very little I would imagine. What sort of parenting style does he practice? The "you'll do as I say and you'll do it immediately, and if you don't, then you'll be in trouble!" style by any chance?
How will you feel if you stay with him, when he turns on your son and daughter? Because he will. If you split up, and he has access to them - which is your children's right, incidentally, not yours or his - will he push them into cupboards or onto the sofa? Chances are that he will. I suspect that he knows you're contemplating a future without him necessarily in it, and he's escalating in an attempt to control you. To make you too frightened to leave him. He's subtly threatening you about the children already.
You have to protect not only your children, but yourself too. My advice to you is to trust your instincts and run. If you can, go home to your parents. Seek legal advice. Tell them what he's done to you, what he's ranted at you, how you feel when he does so - and how he's pushing the blame onto you. Even the "you're the one who causes the rows and makes me behave in such a way" things that he's telling you are abusive. You can't make anyone do, say, feel, think, believe, behave in anything. Only they can do that for themselves.
Run, OP, and seek counselling for your son before it's too late.
Yes you should run for the hills. It doesn't matter how much of an arsehole you may or may not be with him, his violence is not your fault.
How long until that push results in you breaking your skull or falling down the stairs? It's every bit as bad as hitting you.
Orange - I'm 40 and I also grew up in a household like the OP has described. One of my earliest memories is of throwing a rubber snake onto the kitchen floor and screaming that it was a real snake in the hopes of stopping my parents from rowing and shoving one another around in front of the sink. I was 2 or 3 years old. As you say, our childhoods define who/what we become as adults - and, like you, I've spent 2/3's of my life on anti-depressants and in counselling because, like you, I simply didn't feel safe as a child and couldn't trust anyone. Recently, my aunt has been spouting off about how awful my mother was when they were growing up, and how she's not changed... and I asked her, if she, and my uncles, and my grandparents all knew what my mother was like - why didn't they do anything to help protect my brothers and myself whilst we were growing up? She doesn't have an answer, because she knows they all left us to the hell that was/is my parents marriage. Our childhoods were destroyed by parents like the OP and her husband. I really feel for the children caught up in this horrible mess, and suspect that there's every chance that the son is going to end up like you, me and so many others who have offered their advice and words of wisdom
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.