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AIBU?

To think this shouldn't have been played down by the teacher?

48 replies

diyno1elsewill · 23/05/2017 09:42

My 11 year old ds came out of school yesterday saying he'd had a really bad day. When asked why he said he had been basically beaten up at playtime by two other boys the same age. He hadnt retaliated but said he had used a blocking technique taught to him from his after school martial arts class. He's shown me the move and it doesn't cause harm to others or himself. I asked him to tell me exactly what happened and there had been a disagreement and then these two boys had started pushing him and then punching him. He said it's ok mum they have been given red cards so can't play out tommorrow.
So as I was picking him up early anyway for an appointment I knew the headteacher was currently in reception so I nipped back in and asked her what had happened. I told her that my ds was upset that he'd had a bad day and has just told me he had been beaten up by two other pupils. I understood it had been dealt with already but as this is the first time anything like this has happened especially punching him with two students on one I was quite upset I hadn't been phoned about it.
The headteacher turned to my ds and said "that's a bit of an exaggeration saying you've been beaten up"
He said "ok not beaten up but they had both punched me and pushed me"
She said "but pushing and punching someone is a different to being beaten up"

From a child's perspective and also finding words to describe his day and what has happened to him surely this was the correct term and if he feels that it's what has happened to him at the time she shouldn't be questioning the way he's describe the incident. I don't know I was just shocked that she came across as saying that punching and pushing someone especially 2 on 1 was any different to being beaten up. He's not a violent or confrontational child whatsoever and from the sounds of things he was trying to calm a situation from his friend getting bullied. At the risk of being flamed for being over sensitive or something could I just have your opinions on this and thoughts please? I just hate that his turn of events seem to have been downplayed and because he hasn't come out with two black eyes that he feels what happened wasn't serious enough to be upset over. I hate to think what has been said to him after it happened he said he was very very upset and crying.

OP posts:

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bookwormnerd · 23/05/2017 09:49

How is punching and pushing different from been beaten up, I would have said he was beaten up. What is classified as the difference. The school is being rubbish downplaying this. I would complain to governers as they dont seem to be taking the behaviour seriesly which is really worrying. As an adult we wouldent allow it so why kids have to put up with it is beyond me. I would also ring up and ask for their behaviour policy

VimFuego101 · 23/05/2017 09:54

What is 'beaten up' if not being repeatedly punched and pushed?

harderandharder2breathe · 23/05/2017 10:24

Yanbu, what else would beating up be?

araiwa · 23/05/2017 10:25

beaten up is when he ended up on the floor seriously injured, unconscious etc

your son appears to have done really well for himself with his defensive prowess and instead of worrying about terminology perhaps you should tell him how well he did, youre proud of him and take him for pizza or whatever

Stormtreader · 23/05/2017 10:28

Exactly how many punches does she think they are fine to get in before it pushed over into unacceptable "beaten up"?

araiwa · 23/05/2017 10:33

pushing doesnt hurt

he blocked the punches

i cant see how he was beaten up

Allthewaves · 23/05/2017 11:15

Isn't beaten up being bloody and bruised and a serious mess

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 23/05/2017 11:19

Isn't beaten up being bloody and bruised and a serious mess

I think so yes.

differentnameforthis · 23/05/2017 11:20

araiwa you talk crap.

HorridHenryrule · 23/05/2017 11:27

araiwa how would you feel if 2 people started punching and pushing you. If it weren't for his martial arts training helping him to protect himself what would you call it if he never had those skills. He would have gotten beaten down. Punching and pushing is violence they wanted to beat him up. The 2 boys are going to end up as right toe rags when they are older if women start minimising their behaviour. Headteacher woman, mumsnet full of women we are the educators to these young men.

Stormtreader · 23/05/2017 12:30

It makes me angry to see whats unacceptable for adults but apparently totally fine for children. There seems to be an attitude of "well, children punch/hit/attack/bully, thats what they do, the victims have to toughen up" until those children hit a magic adult age. Then suddenly the victims are supposed to have self-esteem and be balanced happy adults, and the aggressors are supposed to understand that violence is no longer acceptable towards weaker people or people you just dont like or who dont do what you want.

Kokusai · 23/05/2017 12:35

pushing doesnt hurt

What? Yes it can do!

DotForShort · 23/05/2017 12:42

Well, I do think there is a difference between being "beaten up" and what happened to your son. However, I think the headteacher's focus on this distinction is completely misplaced. No matter what language is used to describe the incident, the other boys very clearly crossed the line into violent behaviour. That is what the headteacher should have focused on and addressed in no uncertain terms.

diyno1elsewill · 23/05/2017 13:18

*Perhaps you should tell him how well he did, you're proud of him and take him for pizza or whatever
*
As opposed to me doing what? How do you know what I did or didn't do when it's not relevant to the posts purpose? FYI after this concerned mother went straight back into school to demand what has happened and why I haven't been told about the incident I did tell him how bloody well he has done at handling the situation! Although also not relevant to my post I will tell you this too what also happened yesterday.... overhearing a fellow pupil call another pupil gay for having the wrong ear pierced my ds immediately spoke up saying he was so wrong for saying so. The other boy said he meant it as in "gay means happy" so my son immediately asked him why didn't you just say happy then ? Told him he knew for a fact he was being homophobic and that even if the boy with his ear pierced was gay then what of it? He's awesome and he knows everyday his mum knows it too!

It's all about the principle of claiming once again (not the first time) that my ds is "too sensitive" ... he's been told it will be harder when he goes up to high school and he is to stop taking things to heart too much. Also called pathetic by a teacher in the past for crying which she admitted to and then last week told his spellings were discracful for spelling a word 3 different ways in a paragraph when in the same day he got 8/10 on a spelling test which for him is 150% . He tries so bloody hard and just seems to be hated I'm so angry with them I just hope his high school fairs better!

OP posts:

ringringringringringring · 23/05/2017 13:28

What happened next with the headteacher? In that situation I would have interrupted the exchange between her and your son. Told her he had described the incident and you weren't interested in the semantics around the words used by an eleven year old following a serious bullying incident. You were interested in how the school had dealt with the incident and were unhappy that they hadn't called you. That if anything her focus on the words used by your son when talking to his mother, instead of what happened and the school's response really only increases your concern. So could she lease return to the issue at hand and discuss that.

KTD27 · 23/05/2017 13:29

I'm a teacher and Deputy Head and quite frankly I think it's a disgrace.
The teacher has made your son feel as if his treatment at playtime was ok. It wasn't. She(he?) has made him feel as if he's over exaggerated it and he hasn't. The impact on him and his feelings are valid and should be reconised.
Telling him his spelling is disgraceful is also inappropriate in my opinion. If he's a child who struggles to spell - I might ask him to go back and decide which version of the word looks right; support him to use a dictionary etc. there's heaps of ways to encourage him to not be frightened of spelling. It gets me particularly fired up when I hear this - boys tend to fair much worse than girls with writing and this sort of thing - feeing like it has to be 'right' doesn't help. I assume spelling rules are actually taught in school? Not just given lists of words to learn by rote?
And name calling? Are you kidding ?? I sincerely hope he has a better experience at secondary school. It sounds like his school is failing you both.

soapboxqueen · 23/05/2017 13:39

I think it entirely depends on what went on. No, being pushed and hit isn't necessarily being beaten up. I would expect visible injuries.

Obviously the behaviour of these other boys was not acceptable. Nit picking with your ds wasn't the best tack for the head to take, however the school may not have viewed it as serious enough to call. Particularly if you're ds was not injured.

AntigoneJones · 23/05/2017 13:41

I agree that 'beaten up' would imply that he was left in a bloody mess, which he wasn't.
How about 'attacked'? Would that make them happier?

hackmum · 23/05/2017 13:42

I think if two other people start pushing you and punching you, that constitutes beating someone up. That was certainly the intention, even if the OP's DS managed to block them. The headteacher is deliberately underplaying the seriousness of the offence, presumably for self-serving reasons.

MoonfaceAndSilky · 23/05/2017 13:43

pushing doesnt hurt
he blocked the punches
i cant see how he was beaten up

Don't be ridiculous. Would you still say that if it was a man doing that to his wife?

How dare the Head question his terminology after what had happened to your Ds. I'd send her an email and tell her you are not happy with what she said, belittling your Ds, bitch

myotherpantsareagstring · 23/05/2017 13:46

This is a bullying incident. Personally I would make an appointment to discuss it further with the Head & whoever is in charge of anti-bullying at the school & make it clear you're not happy with how it's been dealt with. It doesn't sound like a very supportive reaction from the teaching staff towards your DS.

Good luck

Ameliablue · 23/05/2017 13:49

I would expect someone who had been beaten up to have several bruises.

HorridHenryrule · 23/05/2017 13:53

No, being pushed and hit isn't necessarily being beaten up. I would expect visible injuries.

The wife tries to block her husbands punches and pushes whilst he is trying to beat her up, if their is no injuries then he never tried to abuse her. Boys have to be taught empathy from a young age and they need to know what is right and wrong. That attitude will get our young men nowhere especially if the mothers to these young men have no empathy themselves.

Funnyonion17 · 23/05/2017 13:58

It sounds to me he was beaten up and the HT was deflecting

hackmum · 23/05/2017 14:03

Imagine going to the office and two of your colleagues gang up and start pushing you and punching you.

You talk to HR and tell them you were beaten up. When you explain further what's happened, the HR person says, "Well, that's not being beaten up. Stop exaggerating."

Would you perhaps think the HR person was missing the point?

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