To think PIL approach to baby jetlag isn't helping.

[User24689]

Arrived in the UK from Australia on Friday, - 7 hours time difference. DD is 22 months old.

She is sleeping in a portacot in a little bedroom next to my PIL which is on the other side of the house to me and DH. PIL obviously don't get to see DD very often and absolutely dote on her and like to spoil her which I completely understand.

At home she sleeps 12 hours through, 7pm til 7am, and I of course wasn't expecting her to do this straight off the bat here but feel we should be helping her to settle back into a good sleep routine and gradually getting her to adjust to the new timezone.

The problem is, every night since we arrived (so 3 nights so far), she has gone to bed at 7-7.30 as normal and then woken up at precisely 3.30am. PIL have gone into her room, brought her into their bed and she has played with them for about half an hour then fallen asleep in between them until about 6.30.

I had no problem with this on night one but it's now night 3 and they have done the same thing. I woke up when she cried and she literally cried for about 5 seconds. At home I would not have entered the room unless she was really distressed or she had been crying for about 5 mins. She also never comes in our bed at home, we go in and settle her in her own bed. She was an appalling sleeper as a baby so we had to put a lot of work into getting her into a good routine. They have also given her milk at 4am and I've told them please not to do this as she never has milk in the night now and her body will think it's daytime. I feel like they think iabu to interfere because it's their time with their grandchild.

So, anyone got any experience of transitioning a baby/ toddler to a new timezone? And aibu to think that the PIL approach might be not be helping here? We are off to visit another family member in a week's time, I'm worried we're going to have hell up getting her to stay in her own bed the rest of the trip at this rate.

[RebelAllianceUK]

I have, specifically Australia to UK variety

Honestly, I'd stock up on your sleep and be deeply grateful to your PILs for not just looking after her, but also apparently enjoying it.

How long have you got heft in UK?

[HicDraconis]

Have travelled UK -> NZ and back again with boys since they were small babies, toddlers and now older children.

My tip for getting them settled is to try and get them used to the "new" timezone as soon as possible. So when they'd normally go to bed (7pm) do your usual bedtime routine, with teeth / bath / story / song / cuddle and then put into bed as usual. I kept the room darkened and went to bed at my usual time. If they woke in the night I'd go to them briefly for a backpat / shush to settle them but no lights on, nothing to drink and go back to my own room shortly after.

It took about 3 nights to get them sleeping through without a wake up at 3am (what is it about 3-4am?!). We had another week or so of "early" wakeups at 6 (and we would get up with them & make a head start on the day) and then back to complete normal.

I am sure your PiL are delighted to see their granddaughter (who I suspect they usually spend very little time with) but if they carry on with this pattern of wake / play / snooze she'll get settled into it and you are going to have an interesting few weeks nights breaking her of it. Is there any way she could have a cot nearer you so they don't disrupt her sleep?

This is not just "their time with their grandchild". It is also their grandchild's time with them - and it isn't going to happen often with a family split across the world so I do understand how tricky it is for you. However in practice they're only spending an extra 30 mins with her if that's all she's awake and playing for, it seems a shame to mess with her diurnal cycle (which they are doing, causing all sorts of hormonal shenanigans with her being awake at 3am) for just half an hour.

Why not suggest that that you'd really rather they didn't break her night time routine permanently and if they find it difficult to leave her to settle herself once awake, you'd prefer her closer to you? Then they can have lots of time with her in the day, when she's awake and playing and not grumpy from disrupted sleep.

[Cwandry]

Awe, special times for them though, both, getting bed cuddles. Lucky grandparents! Lucky baby. If you can bear to maybe let them al, enjoy it.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Stand up for yourself. Put a boundary in. Unless you are clear, they will ignore you or think they're being helpful. You tell them she is your child and to leave her alone to see if she can settle. Tonight you will go to her if you think it is necessary.

[TheMaddHugger]

WTF is she sleeping on the other side of the house from you. ??????
You are her parents, Not them [Gpas]

[Caterina99]

That would drive me crazy, although I am jealous of someone else dealing with jet lagged babies for you. It's so not fun. Also I've never personally met anyone that thinks that playing with a toddler at 3am is quality time.

Fine the first night when all is up in the air, but this will become your problem. I'd just tell them straight to ignore her and you will deal with her as youve had time to recover. If she's only up for half an hour and normally sleeps through then she can probably settle back down to sleep again fairly easily, unless she gets in the habit of milk and attention in the middle of the night.

[Ethylred]

She's 22 months old and she's with her grandparents who adore her.

That is a perfect situation. Who cares if her schedule is shot to pieces? She's a baby, she doesn't need a fucking schedule, she doesn't have to be anywhere at a specific time.

[Fairylea]

I am one of those people who are all for routines but given this is such special circumstances I agree with Ethylred. Just let them enjoy being with their grandchild. Don't create bad feeling by stressing over it. You've got all the time in the world when you get home to sort it - when you go home you'll have to readjust time zones all over again anyway!

[User24689]

To be clear, I am HUGELY grateful for my PIL looking after her. I adore my PIL which is why I'm unsure how to go about changing anything - especially as I wasn't sure if I needed to or if it would right itself on its own. I realise this is also my DDs time with them but don't feel the middle of the night is the best time for them to spend extra time as she is then grumpy and tired in the day when we have the opportunity to go out and do something nice.

She is next to them because there are two guestrooms, one next to them and the other at the other side of the house. We could switch with them and sleep in their room but they didn't offer that and I think it's rude to ask. And as pp have said, it isn't every day someone else gets up with your baby in the night - I didn't argue when it was suggested!

We have a limited time in the UK and several people to visit including my own parents - if a pattern is set here we will have to break it later, at someone else's house. My question was really whether this would be a problem or whether those with experience of jetlag thought this was part for the course.

And ethylred, I'm coming from the opinion that babies and toddlers do need routines but realise not everyone has that point of view.

[TheMaddHugger]

OK. Carry on then

You can't do much while they are taking on the 'night shift'

Ethylred I am a Nana. I try really hard Not to screw up Routines. I try not to make the parents lives harder than they already are.

[wakkapaca]

Why would your dd be sleeping the other side of the house with pil? I wouldn't be having that at all! Their interfering. I dont remember when these grandparents needed their special time alone with DC I had a great relationship with all my grandparents and I wasn't left alone with them if my dad or mil put my dd in their bed I would go bezzurk because I don't do it myself. Sounds like your pil aren't really showing you any respect and just doing what ever the hell they want you need to put your foot down she's your child not theirs.

[araiwa]

wakkapaca- wtf??

[Dianneabbottsmathsteacher]

They sound lovely as do you op and as a gran myself I see both sides.

They might feel they are taking on the night shift to let you sleep so think they are helping you unless you specifically tell them.

Also thry might have been the type of parents that couldn't let a baby cry even for a few seconds and co slept with their own kids so see that as normal.

It's tricky as you are physically far apart.

You have 2 choices let it be or have a conversation snd tell them not to go into her and if she's really upset you will deal! Do you have a monitor?

At 2 she can be retaught at your own parents home so I wouldn't stress too much.

wakkapacca what a strange post.

[hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman]

I don't think I would worry too much, once you are home again (or away from PIL) your baby will soon settle back into her routine. When my children were little they had a very different routine at my PIL than they did at home, jelly and ice cream for breakfast anyone?, but the pampering at nanna's house had no bearing on our routine at home and has given them some very precious memories of some lovely stays at nanna's house.

[HSMMaCM]

Your child is old enough to understand this is a grandparent thing. It sounds like the jet lag is wearing off already.

I'd just let them have this special time together.

[DancingLedge]

Have you asked them not to?
GPs who snatch up a young DC , feed at night when they don't need it, are really disrupting the pattern of how you do things. They are potentially training in a problem that won't be theirs to deal with.

They may be trying to help. You need to be totally clear with them what your choices for your child are, and why.

Can't you move DC to your room?

I appreciate jet lag is difficult, but anyone giving a snack to my DC in the night would be left in no doubt what I thought that would do to their future sleep habits. Having had a young DC woken regularly, of necessity, in hospital , and taking months to lose that pattern, I would be VERY CLEAR with them.

[MoominFlaps]

Who cares if her schedule is shot to pieces? She's a baby, she doesn't need a fucking schedule, she doesn't have to be anywhere at a specific time.

Some babies need them actually, my DS is a raging lunatic if he doesn't get his nap and he won't nap in the car, buggy, sling or on me so we have to be home or somewhere with a travel cot for nap time (or else just have him scream).

I love a routine myself, much easier to plan days out etc.

I wouldn't be happy about this either but that's because I know it would shoot my son's routine to pieces and he'd then be miserable. If your kid is happy then I think it's fine.

[Ratbagratty]

If she is only crying for a short moment could you give pail a say 5min timer until they go into lo room and hope she has settled? Thinking a compromise might be needed. Yes to going into your bed but only after x amount of time to make sure it's only a stirring not full on awake. Something like that

[wakkapaca]

I don't see it as strange I get very sick of pushy and entitled behaviour coming from grandparents. I don't believe anyone other then parents should co sleep with a child and if a parent doesn't do it themselves then why should anyone else?

Grandparents should be looking to make life easier nor harder and getting her used to something that won't be allowed to go on back at home isn't falling into that category I do think these grandparents should be respecting the routine that the child has and trying to help ease her back into it fair enough if they want to help out at night but getting the child up to play at 3am isn't helping sorry OP I would go mad. I've got fond memories of all my grandparents but I don't ever remember doing things there I wouldn't of been allowed to do at home at most it was a few extra sweets or day trip out I don't think OP is unreasonable for thinking they are not being helpful.

[esmaesmomma]

At the risk of being flammed I'm with the minority who agree this is not helpful.

That's probably because I know that my dd needs routine she's only a year old though but gets very upset if her usual routine is disrupted and this upset can last several days. Some children really need this structure and others don't. It's a hard one to properly answer without knowing your dd.

Could your dd be a bit more unsettled because it's your pil seeing to her in the night? You mentioned you live in Australia so I'm assuming she doesn't know them very well maybe she needs you and your DH to do the night shift?

Try to not let it spoil your trip if it's really bothering you have a chat with your pil and ask them to try and follow your routine and give them their time during the day let them maybe take her off on their own for a couple of hours that way they won't be missing out.

[Oly5]

Oh my word, is this seriously a problem? Not at all? Your lovely PILs are looking after the baby in the middle of the night for you and having special cuddles with baby at the same time. How lovely for all of them.
Her routine is going to be shot to pieces with the flight back home anyway, just work on er getting back into her own routine then.
Let them all have this special time together. It sounds wonderful and lots of kids would kill for such doting grandparents. I think this is no big deal at all

[MoominFlaps]

The world of parenting seems to be split into those who think kids need routine (usually those whose kids do need it or go into meltdown) and those who are sneery and dismissive re routine.

All kids are different and there is no one size fits all.

[paxillin]

They sound lovely, leave them to it. You'll have to deal with the return jetlag anyway, it won't be helped or hindered by routines now. Visiting lots of different people is bound to screw up sleep. Catch up on your own sleep while you can.

[RechargableCattery]

What were PIL doing feeding DD and taking her to sleep with them? It sounds totally crazy to me. Of course you will all be jetlagged and take a few days to recover, but you as parents should be dealing with it yourselves, especially as you have more visits to make. However much you adore PIL, I don't think they respect your wishes very much.