to expect DH to take the DC to school when I'm ill?

[Alibubba]

I'm very unwell at the moment and it's looking likely that I will be admitted to hospital tomorrow. The hospital is 30 miles from home and we have three children - two at school. He asked me to pack bags for them tonight so he can take them to stay at his mum's while I'm in hospital. His mum's is ten miles from the hospital. He is off work and says he wants to be there so they can all visit me.

However, I think it'd be much better for the DC to be at home and that there's no need for them to be missing school - which is what he intends if they stay at his mum's. I'd only be allowed two visitors at a time anyway so the other DC would he upset when it wasn't their turn and I'd rather just call them than have them see me ill in hospital as it'll worry them.

DH keeps insisting he wants to stay at his mum's so I don't feel abandoned but I think a big part of it is that he hasn't ever taken them to school or bed or anything and he'd rather have his mum to help. I understand that, but I think it's more settling for the DC to be at home and that now is as good a time as any to learn to cope. AIBU?

[therootoftheroot]

How on earth has their father never taken them to school or put them to bed? [Shock]

[NoSquirrels]

They need normality and routine.

He needs to do as you ask, to reassure you.

He's off work, so no practicalities to consider- and for visiting after school he can drop them with his mum if need be for an hour or so.

[Slightlyperturbedowlagain]

They really shouldn't be missing school. Apart from anything else they will need to be kept busy all day, but i would be surprised if the school found it acceptable when it isn't necessary. could his mum not stay at your house for a night or two to help him get his act together?

[NoSquirrels]

And if you're seriously ill and about to be hospitalised, like fuck should YOU be packing bags for school-aged DC.

He needs to step up big time.

[Slightlyperturbedowlagain]

Sorry, I meant to say hope you are feeling better soon

[Gileswithachainsaw]

There is something very worrying about a grown man (or woman) who can't cope with taking their kids to school and needs to move back in with their mother should husband or wife be taken ill

[AnyFucker]

How pathetic he is...but how have you allowed it to get to this point ?

[Crunchymum]

How old are the kids?

If he really is that feckless can his mummy come and stay at yours to help???

[Fruitcorner123]

Poor you op you should NOT be packing bags for DC when you are sick and he is quite capable himself. Regardless of this they should be at school and maintaining their usual routine. Why on earth have they got to school age without their dad ever putting them to bed!? Speak up and say that you are not happy about the arrangements and they should be at school. Talk him through the drop off/pick up procedure and what bedtime routine is like and tell him that you expect him to put your children's needs before his own and get them to school each day. If he really can't cope then he can ask his mum to come and stay a yours

[blackteasplease]

None of what he plans should be happening. It's all ridiculous.

I would speak to the school and perhaps they can have a word with him about how the kids need to be at school.

I agree it's ridiculous theyve got to school age without him having done any of this before.

If he really struggles his Mum could go and stay with them, but it's still pathetic.

[Alibubba]

There's nowhere at ours for his mum to stay. I just don't think he can see how he can possibly get the DC to bed at once but obviously I do. I think time alone would be good for them to get used to it.

[Squishedstrawberry4]

He needs to man up. Can you reassure him.

[Alibubba]

I've tried but he hasn't much confidence in dealing with them. I had to take the eldest somewhere the younger two couldn't go once so he had them from 3-7pm (bed isn't until 8.30) and he got both his parents over to help

[AuditAngel]

DH owns a bar, which results in anti-social hours. Whilst he dis
Ines doing the school drop off, he can do it.he does pick up 2/3 days a week (sharing with my mum) whilst I rarely do pickup.p
He needs to step up

[C0untDucku1a]

Your husbad is lazy. He isnt moving to be nearer you, but to have his mum look after him. Why cant he pack the childrens bags? How the fuxk has he never out them to bed? Lazy.

[Bosabosa]

Wow.
You are ill, you are right, and am sorry you are having to go through any of this.
Get well soon

[Alibubba]

He was off the other day on a school day and still left me doing the packed lunches, getting the DC ready and everything while feeling awful while he stayed in bed until 8.30 'so he didn't wake the youngest...!'

[MamaOfBabas]

He's only acting this way because you allow it. Sorry to be harsh, but it's true. You need to tell him to pull his weight. Stop making excuses for him, he's utterly ridiculous. How can you be attracted to such a pathetic excuse of a man.

[BillSykesDog]

He's obviously a useless parent and partner and you really need to sort this out.

However I don't think that the right time to get this sorted it is when you're seriously ill and about to go into hospital and the family is having a major upheaval.

The most important thing here is the children. If he has never had them on their own for any length of time how is he going to cope? And if he doesn't cope what impact is that going to have on the children? If it's going to mean that the children are not adequately fed, clean, dressed, cared for or safe then the important thing here is not making an example out of what a poor partner he is but making sure they are cared for. And that might mean that being with his mother is best.

Logistically as well, how would he be getting to you thirty miles away and doing two school runs a day? If he comes twice a day that could be getting on for five hours driving plus all the childcare. If you can only have two visitors at a time who will be looking after the children when he is with you? Are you prepared for the fact him being 30 miles away without family support may mean you have less support in hospital?

Definitely get this sorted out when you are recovering. But I would say at the moment getting your children's immediate needs met is the most important thing, and that may well mean them being at his mother's.

[BillSykesDog]

Couldn't you put two of your kids in a double and he and his Mum have one of their singles each?

[KnittedBlanketHoles]

Wow. How pathetic. Teen-agers go to foreign countries and work as au pairs to children they don't know who speak a different language and he can't even look after his own children. What do you see in him? I wouldn't be able to hold back from telling him the above, personally.

[Ninjapants]

You don't need this stress when you're so unwell. He needs to get a grip and man up! The best thing he can do to help you while you're in hospital is to take care of the family and home so you don't have to worry. He's making the situation worse by being unable to step up when he's needed.
What does his Mum think of his inability to cope with basic family life?

[Butterymuffin]

I got stuck on 'I'm very unwell at the moment' followed by 'He's asked me to pack bags for them'. What? Why does he think this is still your job even when so ill? Even if you take Bill's point and let this go for now, things need to change in a big way once you're better. I do hope you can get good treatment in hospital and recover soon.

[WitchSharkadder]

YANBU at all. Hopefully, your husband will man the hell uo ivernight.

Hope you recover quickly, OP

[Italiangreyhound]

OP I am really sorry you are so ill and hope you will be better soon.

Please sit your dh down and explain that you are ill and about to be hospitalized. Lunches/bags/uniforms is all now his domain.

IF he feels he needs some help with anything you could write a few notes to help him find his arse in the dark.

IF he is worried and genuinely needs some assistance his mum could maybe come over and assist.

I think for the kids benefit they should not miss school, it would make life very hard for them and for their benefit they should go in. (NO real interest in what school thinks about anything personally unless they are about to do their GCSE or A-levels).

But I agree with Bill, "...at the moment getting your children's immediate needs met is the most important thing, and that may well mean them being at his mother's."

Pesonally unless you will be hooked up to machines or looking very ill, I would allow the children to visit and this is where your dh's mum (grandma) can really come in to good use in looking after whichever children are not going to see you. Of course if you or they find it too distressing then do what suits YOU.

I'd tell my dh I didn't mind take away meals, if you can afford it, or some late nights if necessary but they are his kids and he is now in charge.

The fact you have not pushed the lunches in his face shows you are a woman of calm nerves.

Get well soon. You will get through this and so will he, remind him you are the one who is ill, you need time, rest, help and care. He needs to step up. And fucking fast.

MamaOfBabas please do not blame the OP for her husband's failings, he is not a child.

OP please ask him to get counselling/therapy/assertiveness training or simply do a parenting course as soon as you are well enough. Whatever reasons or excuses he has for not looking after his own kids are not valid unless he has tried and tried and tried to work through any issues he has.