My mum is always criticising my housework

[user1487941567]

Sorry - this is a rant 😩 My mum is always saying things like "isn't so and so such a good mum, look at her house and how clean the kids are" or "you really should make an effort to keep the house nicer" or "you missed a bit on the hob" "bath could do with a wipe" etc

My house isn't spotless, but it's passable. These comments are usually on a day I'm doing her dinner and she won't look after the kids so I am usually frantic trying to cook a roast and look after the baby and keep things as clean as possible as I go along. I'm 7 months pregnant.

The people she compares me to have all got massive support networks, their parents and siblings have the kids a few nights a week, and even when we were kids we lived at my grandparents at the weekend so she had loads of time to do whatever she did. We even had our own rooms there. She won't look after the kids for even 5 minutes, she just sits looking at her phone or asking me when dinner is going to be ready while the baby pulls out all the dvds or tries to yank the table cloth off the table. If she spills a drink she won't tell me or make any effort to mop it up, she refuses to take her shoes off indoors so she always drags mud through the house and I have a massive black mark all down my hall where she once dragged a shopping bag along the wall. She once spilled calpol on my cream carpet and left it there so it went all sticky and horrible and now won't come out and is always bringing me bags of junk she is throwing out then moaning that we have too much stuff.

I just feel like I am constantly being held up to some impossible ideal and criticised for not being spotlessly clean when she comes over and makes more mess then moans about all the things I haven't done, and offers literally no help whatsoever. She often makes it harder because I have to make her cups of tea and then watch that she hasn't left it within the baby's reach. If I asked her to spend some time with the kids at the park, she'd say she was too tired or if I asked her to hold the baby he'd be back on the floor in about 30 seconds.

WIBU to just tell her to stfu?

[Bunbunbunny]

Yanbu tell her to stfu and take her crap home with her

[NoCapes]

Stop inviting her round!

[TizzyDongue]

No. Go ahead and sake her why she's criticising you. Ask her every time she says something.

"isn't so and so such a good mum, look at her house and how clean the kids are"
Yes she is, but she gets a lot of support and help from her mum

"you really should make an effort to keep the house nicer"
Why? The house would be nicer if you didn't go out your way to lessen it

"you missed a bit on the hob"
oh dear, what a tragedy, could you just get it for me?

"bath could do with a wipe"
oh thanks, cloths are under the sink, I haven't had a chance yet


She sounds horrible, was she nasty when you were a child too?

[user1487941567]

DP said that but she often just turns up at the door and because she rarely sees the kids now she has moved an hour away, I think - ah maybe she can spend some time with them and end up doing dinner. I feel so sorry for my littlest one, he loves her so much and she won't even hold him. I've only got 2 children btw and one is almost 8 so he is really easy to entertain but she just prefers to check her phone, look my house over and find things to turn her nose up at.

[ThisIsStartingToBoreMe]

I'm sorry, what? Your mum criticises your house-keeping while your cooking her dinner?

[TizzyDongue]

Next time she just turns up, act like your just heading out (and she can't come). Put on your coats, Get in the car/head for public transport if needed.

[user1487941567]

Haha! Yes! And then just leaves straight after with a "I would offer to wash up but I've got so much on"

[ThisIsStartingToBoreMe]

I don't agree with game playing, pretending to be out, make passive aggressive comments etc etc.

Just say quite clearly, "It's not nice to criticise my house-keeping while I'm cooking a nice dinner for you"

[Batgirlspants]

Don't let her in when she turns up then. Say sorry you are too busy cleaning to entertain her. Slam the door.

She sounds horrific. She's no help or support and actively unkind to you and your children. She's bullying you.

Cut her out of your life op.

[JigglyTuff]

Just don't answer the door next time she turns up. She sounds horrible

[averythinline]

Don't answer the door...If she moans tell her you're too busy doing housework... Seriously stop being a doormat ...Tell her not to come round during the week your too busy....

[BreakfastAtSquiffanys]

I think you would not be at all unreasonable to tell her to STFU.
And tell her to cook her own dinner, stop messing up your house and filling it with unwanted crap while your'e at it

[TondelayaDellaVentamiglia]

it's not game playing to give it back to her...might make her stfu and think before she opens her mouth

so exactly what Tizzy said

[Wallywobbles]

I've been known to say if you can't say anything nice don't speak, to my olders and betters.

[Wallywobbles]

A reputation for being touchy with your family is a sensible precaution.

[TizzyDongue]

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe was that been an effective method in the past for you, when dealing with your highly critical mother? Stopped it immediately did it, and you now have a good relationship with her?

[Oblomov17]

Just ask her : why do you keep criticising my housekeeping?

[bibbitybobbityyhat]

God, I'm speechless. Why do you want a relationship with her? Have you got it in you to say "Mum, I'm getting nothing out of these visits where you ignore the grandchildren and criticise my housekeeping whilst waiting for me to serve up dinner!"

[ThisIsStartingToBoreMe]

It didn't stop it immediately no, I had to do it quite a few times before the message sunk it. But it did work in the end.

[PossumInAPearTree]

My mum used to do this but quite aggressively. Dh threw her out the house once when she was shouting about the state of the skirting board behind dds bed! Why the fuck she was sneaking about pulling beds out I have no idea.

I rang her up and told her she was no longer welcome in our home. That I was happy to meet her for coffee or go to hers but she could no longer come here. Stuck with that for two years until I went totally NC as she just carried on being nasty in other ways.

[TotalPineapple]

What TizzyDongue said, followed by 'If you don't like it don't come.'

[ArriettyClock1]

She sounds awful!

Why do you get no help? What's your partner doing?

[AliceKlar]

Bloody hell!!! Note to your DM - your DD is a grown adult. How she cleans or doesn't clean her house is HER choice! I cannot imagine for one minute telling my DD she'd missed a bit on the hob or that the bath needs a wipe! As long as she and DSIL are happy, DGD is happy, I don't care about her hob! Argggh YANBU. I agree with those who advocate asking why she is criticising you all the time? Is that her only reason to visit - to criticise and get a meal cooked? Because she appears to be getting very little else out of and putting bugger all into, these appearances!

[Justmadeperfectflapjacks]

Next time she turns up make her a cuppa and a biscuit. . Say you have plans to go out. . And go out.
My dm used to slate my house too.
And my parenting. .
And my dh.
Been nc for many years now. .
Stand up to her for your own mh.

[flippinada]

She comes round to your house and criticises your housework while you cook her dinner?! She sounds thoroughly unpleasant.

You say you feel like you have to let her in but actually you don't! I know that's not easy to do when faced with a parent you're used to "obeying" so just putting that out there.

I notice also you say your youngest loves her. Are you absolutely sure about that?