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To not want to be a single parent

(47 Posts)
starzzzz Wed 12-Apr-17 19:23:10

Just trying to be honest.

My marriage is a complete living breathing NIGHTMARE but single parenthood seems worse (for me, I'm not making a judgement or saying it's bad for anyone else.)

The loneliness, the financial restrictions, the limitations. I'm terrified of that for me and terrified for my kids.

Mombie2016 Wed 12-Apr-17 19:24:59

I'm actually more free and far less lonely now than I was when I was married.

But my H was an abusive sack of shit so...

sanitygirl Wed 12-Apr-17 19:25:11

Don't be terrified. It will be far better than how things are for you now. I've been a single parent since mine were 4yrs and 6 months and although of course there are hard moments, it's been great.

Cocklodger Wed 12-Apr-17 19:27:13

Don't let your kids watch you grow up in a shit marriage because you're terrified of being single.
Single parents do fine, honestly. I was raised by one.
flowers

starzzzz Wed 12-Apr-17 19:28:13

Thanks for being nice. I think my H is an abusive sack of shit too. So why do I still care about him? Where is the logic in caring about an abusive sack of shit?

It just feels like such a huge decision to rip a family apart.

Gallavich Wed 12-Apr-17 19:29:16

I'm happier and freer doing it all myself than in a bad marriage.

CrazyDuchess Wed 12-Apr-17 19:29:41

Well I am a single mum and everyday, although difficult at times, could never call a nightmare! I know what I prefer.

starzzzz Wed 12-Apr-17 19:30:36

It's hard to say. I know on those long, long days where he's out of the house and it's like time stands still and I don't know. Is that what I want the rest of my life to look like, a load of empty space?

ShitIForgotToUntick Wed 12-Apr-17 19:30:59

Well I've been a single parent for years and i love it. Don't find it difficult or restrictive, well no more than anyone with kids. Never get lonely either, although i realise I'm quite unusual in that respect. Can't even relate to the lone parent threads on here as i really don't have anything to complain about. I've honestly never been happier and am thoroughly enjoying this stage of my life.

sanitygirl Wed 12-Apr-17 19:32:06

You wouldn't be ripping your family apart - you and your children would be a lovely family unit - minus the abusive shit

sanitygirl Wed 12-Apr-17 19:33:09

How old are your children? Do you work?

starzzzz Wed 12-Apr-17 19:33:22

Yes, but the abusive shit wouldn't just meekly trot away hmm if only.

starzzzz Wed 12-Apr-17 19:33:45

No, I don't work ... speaking candidly he's made sure I can't. I have tried, I really have.

sanitygirl Wed 12-Apr-17 19:34:02

The rest of your life can be as full as you make it - work, friends, children, hobbies, travel..:.

Helloooomeee Wed 12-Apr-17 19:35:25

It is a huge decision to rip a family apart and it shouldn't be taken lightly. It's a hard break to make. But for me, it was amazing. I thought he did so much for me and that I would fall apart without him. Turns out he made out that he did a lot more than he actually did. Life was simpler, easier and a whole lot happier on my own. I had time without the kids to pursue my own hobbies and after being financially controlled for years I was far better off as a single parent!

starzzzz Wed 12-Apr-17 19:35:30

Well, theoretically smile I'm not sure I'm much good or use on my own. Or even not on my own! I don't know.

summersuperhero Wed 12-Apr-17 19:39:08

I can relate to how you feel. My DH is hard work a lot of the time too (addiction issues) but even though I know DS and I would probably be better off on our own, I can't seem to make the break. I work and currently I'm the only earner so I can probably afford to go it alone, however it's just such a huge decision to make. Sometimes DH can be lovely and that gives me false hope but I know things will never be how I would like them to be. flowers For you

Mombie2016 Wed 12-Apr-17 19:39:44

starz Yep I felt exactly the same as you. Why do I love someone who seemingly has only contempt for me. Even when he fucked off when I was pregnant I was still desperately chasing him and begging him to come home because I wanted us to be a family. I've never felt more pathetic in my entire life sad

Anyway he ignored me for the majority of my pregnancy and turned up a few times after DS was born "to get his parental rights" hmm Only the last I heard from him was 6th April 2016 and he's not used those rights nor bothered to see DS. No child support either and the fucker is currently sofa surfing and working cash in hand/being funded by Mummy/sisters because he is verrrry good at the "poor me" game angry

I feel very angry with myself for not leaving much sooner however when they've got your beating heart in their greedy hands it's not as cut and dried as that.

Be kind to yourself. It is normal to feel this way.

But also. I didn't want my DS growing up thinking this was a normal way of living. If ExH wanted to see him I would fight to the death to prevent that now because my eyes are wide open. And one day yours will be too. Everyone has different breaking points.

It is terrifying. I was left alone from DS birth and I have two elder DCs too.

starzzzz Wed 12-Apr-17 19:39:46

Yes, same here re he can be lovely.

It's really hard.

starzzzz Wed 12-Apr-17 19:40:28

I feel like I can see him but I close my eyes tight shut because I don't want to.

Mombie2016 Wed 12-Apr-17 19:40:28

But also it is fucking exhilarating

I didn't realise I drowning till I wasn't any more, iyswim?! I feel so light and free now.

winam Wed 12-Apr-17 19:49:06

I have been a single parent and it definitely was hard. It's very limiting being the only parent (never being able to pop out without taking them with you, always having to be the one to deal with drop offs). Financially it was very hard as I was on benefits. It isn't easy. My ex was abusive so there was no choice for me to stay - it wouldn't have been right for my dc to grow up seeing that.

I'm not a single parent any longer though - I met a lovely man and we got married a few years ago smile. That would never have happened if I hadn't left my ex. You're missing out on the opportunity of future happiness with another man if you stay in an unhappy relaitonship.

summersuperhero Wed 12-Apr-17 19:50:30

I see mine for what he is too but try to ignore it. He's currently in the pub, has been since early afternoon I think. I'm ok, because he isn't here I can make myself believe that everything is fine. But obviously it isn't really fine, it's the complete opposite.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Wed 12-Apr-17 19:55:25

You will still be a family. . A happier one. . A happier you. . So ultimately happier dc.
Being a parent gives you inner strength to get through what you have to - to achieve new beginnings.

LovelyBath77 Wed 12-Apr-17 21:39:28

The way you feel about not being any good on your own etc, should that be due to lack of self esteem due to being in the relationship perhaps.

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