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To think I'm being ghosted by an old friend

(32 Posts)
onlyforthisthread Sat 01-Apr-17 15:09:01

This has happened to me so many times but I never thought this friend would do it. Have known her about 15 years and we've never lived in the same city but always meet up around the longer school holidays. I'm not on social media really and neither of us tends to text/ring an awful lot in between visits - sometimes not at all- but one of us always contacts shortly before a holiday to arrange a meet up.

I texted her last week and got no reply, which I don't think has ever happened before. A week later I rang her twice in one evening and I think she rejected the call. The following evening (last night) I rang her again, twice. It took longer to go to voice mail than the night before and just after the second time she texted to say she was out and would ring me today. She still hasn't.

It was also dd's birthday a couple of weeks ago and she sent nothing and didn't even text. Again, this is a first. I have FB though never really use it, but have been on and seen she's been reasonably active recently and no mention of anything major happening, though I do know there a couple of family issues bubbling away that may have come to a head, so she may be busy with those. She has no partner or dc.

I do have a tendency of this sort of thing happening to me, though the last one was about 10 years ago, so I may be extra paranoid, but I don't think it looks good. But why would someone want to cut you out after 15 years? Should I just leave it now? Feeling very hurt and vulnerable for other reasons atm and not sure how I can pick myself up if she just never rings.

chastenedButStillSmiling Sat 01-Apr-17 15:10:56

Ping her an email or an old-fashioned letter just to say "you ok, thinking of you? Hope to see you soon" ?

ZaraW Sat 01-Apr-17 15:40:54

I would leave it, you've tried a number of times to make contact it's up to her now to call you back.

ThePiglet59 Sat 01-Apr-17 15:57:35

I would let her go.
Not replying to texts and rejecting calls are not the actions of a friend.
Sometimes we just outgrow each other. It's nobody's fault.

onlyforthisthread Sat 01-Apr-17 16:14:12

Well then it's official i have no friends at all. Can't move on from this. It's the latest in a long line of shitty things to happen. Can't stop crying now and have ignored dc for hours

LadyPW Sat 01-Apr-17 16:21:09

Just because she's (possibly) not contacting you now doesn't mean it's over. I thought I'd had (another) friendship go south a while back - she completely ignored my text - but then months later she got back in touch (claimed to not have got my text). It's not a close friendship, never has been, but these things happen. Equally, people do change. It seems like the end of the world but really it's not. flowers

ForTheSakeOfFuck Sat 01-Apr-17 16:53:52

You've ignored your (present, loving) DC over an uncertain end to a friendship? OP. As gently as I can: pull yourself together. She might have been going through some shit. She might be abroad. She could be ill, bereaved, or yes, she might have decided that your friendship has come to a natural end. Whatever the case, having friends is not an automatic metric for your self-worth and value. You are also the master of your own destiny in this respect and you're not committed to only having the ones you've known for some time. There are Other Humans out there. I promise. Think about places you might meet like-minded folk - the gym, book clubs, god forbid even the internet. Join a forum on a topic you like and get stuck in. Overall, don't catastrophise from a small instance into a huge deal and don't punish those around you for something they have absolutely no hand in.

You can do this OP. Put it in its proper place. Step back. Deep breath. Walk on.

ThePiglet59 Sat 01-Apr-17 17:58:08

You sound a little intense and dramatic too to be honest.
You may have scared her off.

Avioleta Sat 01-Apr-17 18:05:44

It's not nice is it OP? I'm in the same position. Someone I've known for 20 years has quietly dropped me. We used to see each other all the time but it's gradually tailed off. I realised it was always me that texted her and she was getting later and later in replying. I texted her a week ago to ask if she wanted to meet up over Easter. I know she's seen it (Whatsapp) but she hasn't replied. I won't be texting her again. She's obviously not bothered. I am sad about it but, equally, I'm not going to lose sleep about it. No point, is there?

Deep breath OP. You're worth more than this.

Pineapplemilkshake Sat 01-Apr-17 18:07:47

Can you think of any reason why it keeps happening to you?

A few years ago I let an old friendship go. It had happened to her a few times before and the reason I no longer wanted to be in her company was due to her constantly criticising my life choices e.g. only having one child, dating as a single parent in case I ended up with a paediphile who only wanted access to my child, and the final straw was when she didn't want me to marry someone who was disabled.

I'm obviously not accusing you of any of these things, but if it constantly happens to you there might be some reason behind it?

Stillwishihadabs Sat 01-Apr-17 18:15:28

Some people do (sometimes) find it difficult to respond to texts/calls, it says more about them than about you. I think investing so much in a single freindship makes you terribly vunerable.

user1484750550 Sat 01-Apr-17 18:38:33

I agree with the people who are saying 'let it go.' I have a friendly acquaintance at the moment who has been pissing me off for ages, for a number of reasons, though I have known her 3 years, not 15.

I have been trying desperately to give her a wide berth, and she keep mithering and texting and leaving voicemails and fussing, and getting others to intervene, to 'see if I am OK,' and she is doing my head in. Your friend may feel the same about you.

I am not saying this applies to you, (and your friend,) but I am giving this woman I know a wide berth because she is intense, we don't have a lot in common, she moans all the time, she makes everything about her, she is nosey, and she tries to compete with me all the time.

I am usually OK with seeing her occasionally and having a beer at the pub with my DH and her and her partner every couple of months, but I don't want the friendship she wants. So I have had to almost ghost her, and don't even want to met at the pub.

I can't completely ghost her, because she lives 15 minutes walk from me, but I do avoid her a lot, and the more she mithers, the more I dislike her and try and avoid her.

In addition, in your shoes, I would have given up by now. I have had similar things happen to me in the past; a friend not contacting me after I have sent half a dozen messages over 3 or 4 weeks.. So at that point, I will stop, and will not attempt to make any further contact.

If they contact me at a future date, I may respond, and reignite the friendship or I may not. It depends on the reason they shut me out. But yeah I have been ghosted too, and I have done it to others to be honest..... It's not very nice to be on the receiving end, and it's not very nice to do it to someone, but often, it's easier than telling someone you don't want to be friends any longer.

But yeah I would back off if I were you...

onlyforthisthread Sat 01-Apr-17 19:29:03

Do people really do this? We last saw each other in January and had, I thought, and lovely time. I'm not intense and pushy and certainly don't make judgemental comments, but I must have done something. The dc love her too. What do i say to them if she does disappear. I feel such a failure at life.

ZaraW Sat 01-Apr-17 19:34:17

OP maybe she feels differently about the friendship if you don't see each other that often it's easy to drift away. I work overseas and it still amazes me that friends who I thought were close never kept in touch.

Avioleta Sat 01-Apr-17 19:45:54

Perhaps she sees you more as a casual acquaintance rather than a close friend? The thing is, OP, you may never know. It could be many reasons. It's not necessarily your fault but in any case, nothing is to be gained by obsessing over it. If you thought you had a lovely time in January then you probably did. You don't have to make a big announcement to your DC - it's fine to just be vague if they mention it

FairytalesAreBullshit Sat 01-Apr-17 20:07:41

OP I have a few people I talk to, but if we don't talk it's not the end of the world. I have my children, they should be your whole world. It shouldn't matter about anything but them. How old are DC? Do you not go to groups or chat to anyone on the playground?

There's 6 billion or more people in the world, what interests do you have?

Please don't put your self worth on friendships. To be fair you see each other sporadically at best. People come and go, that's life. How is your relationship with your family? I'm guessing not that good if you say you have no one.

Please focus on your DC, they're the greatest gift you have. You're on MN so you can join in various threads, you're not entirely alone. You'll be surprised how many people are in your situation. It really is just one of those things, I agree when the moment of realisation comes it's not that nice, but it's not a reason to ignore you DC.

Do you have many hobbies or interests?

user1484750550 Sat 01-Apr-17 20:07:42

I didn't say you were judgemental or anything like that hun. Just that this is why I am giving the woman I know a wide berth.

With you; it could be anything ... Maybe you have said something that offended her, or she is jealous of you, or her husband fancies you, or she's going through a tough time atm, and doesn't want to talk about it.

As I said, just maybe send her a couple more messages. or even a little letter saying you hope everything is ok and you hope she gets in touch soon, and then leave it.

I have been ghosted in the past by people I thought were great mates, and it hurt me a lot, and I still think about them from time to time. But as I mentioned earlier, I have done it to others too, (for various reasons,) and have actually had them going on and on and continually trying to contact me, to the point where it started to grate on me and stress me out a bit. The efforts only ceased when I moved away and they didn't know where I was.

On facebook now, I don't use my real name, just one that is close... eg; if I am Louise Calvert, I would be Lulu C. (Ditto with twitter.) Because I don't want people from my past who I no longer wish to see, tracking me down.

user1484750550 Sat 01-Apr-17 20:09:35

I didn't say you were judgemental or anything like that hun. Just that this is why I am giving the woman I know a wide berth. (Amongst other reasons; we have nothing in common, she is nosey, she is irritating,she is competitive, etc...)

With you; it could be anything ... Maybe you have said something that offended her, or she is jealous of you, or her husband fancies you, or she's going through a tough time atm, and doesn't want to talk about it.

As I said, just maybe send her a couple more messages. or even a little letter saying you hope everything is ok and you hope she gets in touch soon, and then leave it.

I have been ghosted in the past by people I thought were great mates, and it hurt me a lot, and I still think about them from time to time. But as I mentioned earlier, I have done it to others too, (for various reasons,) and have actually had them going on and on and continually trying to contact me, to the point where it started to grate on me and stress me out a bit. The efforts only ceased when I moved away and they didn't know where I was.

On facebook now, I don't use my real name, just one that is close... eg; if I am Louise Calvert, I would be Lulu C. (Ditto with twitter.) Because I don't want people from my past who I no longer wish to see, tracking me down.

Wando1986 Sat 01-Apr-17 20:14:46

Bit dramatic maybe. My oldest friend started replying with only 3/4 word sentences about a year ago and even replied to my message telling her about my pregnancy (after over a decade of ttc hmm) with basically "that's nice for you". I realised soon after I didn't need jealous or bitter people in my life anymore so she's actually done me a favour.

If she doesn't want to know you OP then she's not worth it in the first place. People you have to fight to stay friends with were not friends in the first place.

FairytalesAreBullshit Sat 01-Apr-17 20:17:39

I think you put a lot of emphasis on this one relationship, she likely considered you an acquaintance, as you don't see each other often and you don't contact each other often.

How old are you?

It could be that the crap things in her life have come to a head, she's putting all her effort into dealing with that. It could be that you don't realise it but with her being your only friend in your eyes, you impose on her, silly things like little niggles you share, could grate on her when she's got bigger things going on. Or she feels like it's a lot of effort on her behalf, she's at a changing point in life and thinks as much as I want to, I just can't give her what she needs. Yes it's crappy, but people grow apart, circumstances change. The age old saying, it's not you it's me.

Put the kids to bed, have a cry, shake the dust off, tomorrow is a new day with new opportunities.

metalmum15 Sat 01-Apr-17 20:29:57

I feel for you, it's really hard. I had a friend for nearly 30 years who just decided one day she wasn't interested in my friendship any more and stopped returning texts and calls. It particularly hurt because we were so close. She did the same to several other friends too. I think about her occasionally but have moved on in my life. Everything happens for a reason.

You say this has happened to you several times before? Being honest, is there any reason you can think of why it would? Maybe you're too intense in your friendships? Or perhaps too distant?
Are there no people you know, old school friends, work friends, school mums etc who you see at all? Anyone you could maybe casually get together with for coffee or a play date with the kids?

I have no idea what's going on with your friend. Maybe she's having some family problems, or has met a new partner. When you meet up do you take your children along too? You mentioned she has no children, so maybe she would prefer it just to be the two of you without children interrupting. Unfortunately some friends just outgrow each other.

user1484750550 Sat 01-Apr-17 20:32:20

There's 6 billion or more people in the world.

Almost 7 and a half billion people in the world actually 'fairytales' grin

www.worldometers.info/world-population/

onlyforthisthread Sat 01-Apr-17 20:40:36

I am grateful for all the replies. It seems so silly saying I have no friends but I don't. I have a pretty consuming career and get on really well with most of my colleagues but when the holidays hit I feel so alone. Marriage ended after his affair with a mutual friend so it just seems friends are not for me. And of course I do focus on the dc most of the time but I am all too aware that I can't rely on them and they will move on before too long.

ForTheSakeOfFuck Sat 01-Apr-17 20:46:18

Do people really do this?

Yes. I've done it and had it done to me. I take it on the chin and move on, and hope others do the same.

We last saw each other in January and had, I thought, and lovely time.

Perceptions of these things inevitably vary.

I'm not intense ...* I feel such a failure at life.*

Yeah. Read those two sentences again. Along with the one where you say you ignored your DC for hours and spent all afternoon crying. And you don't even know if your surmise is correct. If that's not intense I don't want to meet whatever you would describe as intense. Being around someone who takes even a possibility of rejection this badly can be exhausting. The only way to know if she really is your friend is to let it go and give her the chance to contact you. If she doesn't, she isn't.

The dc love her too. What do i say to them if she does disappear.

You tell them the truth. You don't know what's up with her at the moment. Given that you last saw her in January, it's now April, and they presumably haven't bothered about the matter one time since then, I suspect you're borrowing trouble. Children are much more transient and relaxed about these things than adults. They move class. They change schools. They start and stop clubs. Friendships for them come and go on a very regular basis. I doubt they consider some adult they occasionally meet to be a friend of the sort they will grieve over if they don't see her again.

FairytalesAreBullshit Sat 01-Apr-17 21:00:14

Thanks User, I'm a bit behind with the times, but OP 7 1/2 billion in the world, you can find someone like minded.

What do you do in your spare time?

It's not the end of the world having no friends, I'm sorry to say I don't think she was a friend, just an acquaintance.

Are you really isolated? Do you feel lonely?

Please don't avoid your children, but do something special with them tomorrow.

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