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AIBU?

to ask how to handle this;my child (7)hurt another child

36 replies

ThermoScan · 27/03/2017 17:16

Brief summary:lots of boys playing boisterously at a party I'd organised,parents present. A boy got hurt: bruising to leg just below knee,he was quite upset,I gave him some Calpol (with his mum's permission) to try and help and thought it looked like a bruise consistent with banging his leg
At school today the boy's mum pulled me aside and said that her son had told her later that my son had punched him in the leg,and another child had backed up the story.I apologised and said I would have a word with him,and said he can be a bit rough but rarely deliberately harms anyone (except his brothers )but that it definitely would be dealt with.
DS admitted he was responsible and that he accidentally tripped up the boy and did not punch him. I do actually believe him as although he does fight sometimes he always admits it and says what he has done.The boy involved is a very sensitive ,calm boy, not someone who would provoke any sort of fight and an unprovoked punch seems very unlikely.
What do I say to his mum?I've already said sorry but do I now say it wasn't deliberate ,it was just an accidental trip or would that piss you off if it was your son that had got hurt?

OP posts:

Report

SnugglyBedSocks · 27/03/2017 17:18

Say nothing. It's been dealt with.

DailyMailDontStealMyThread · 27/03/2017 17:20

Nothing more needed. You apologised and said you would have a word with DS which you have done.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 27/03/2017 17:21

Don't get into a he said he said situation. Just tell her it has been dealt with and change the subject.

ofudginghell · 27/03/2017 17:46

You have dealt with it and apologised to the parent so nothing more needs to be said.

I'm more than aware my dd 6 has her moments and can say things with friends when they're having a tiff and if that's happened I have always told her off and she has apologised to the other child.
Problem solved.
Shame not all mums have the same thought process as quite a few of the dc in dds year can equally be carry and spiteful but their mums won't have a word said about it lol.

ThermoScan · 27/03/2017 23:02

To everyone that replied..thank you so much for your advice not to take this further.
Sadly it turns out that it was no accident and my son deliberately punched him. My son has now admitted he lied.
I am totally shocked and will probably be posting to ask for advice on dealing with violent behaviour .I am in shock at the damage he caused to another child .

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chastenedButStillSmiling · 27/03/2017 23:08

Thermo I admire you.... MN is full of parent after parent believing their child (of course we do, we love them).

Try and keep calm.

Did he admit it of his own accord? Or was he 'busted'?
How old are the children?

And previous advice still stands... you don't have to go back to the other mother.

ThermoScan · 27/03/2017 23:18

Thanks Chastened , he admitted it when asked later tonight.
Other child is 6.He is 7.5 ( was his younger brother's friend).

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FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 27/03/2017 23:23

I'd come down on him like a ton of bricks for that. Full on disappointment at the lying, upset at hurting someone, especially a child younger than him. Sanctions like removal of privileges or something.

What are you thinking? I have two 8 year old boys and I know they're not quite old enough to rein in the behaviour sometimes but then it's up to me to punish appropriately so they don't repeat the behaviour.

Bettyspants · 27/03/2017 23:26

That's really hard. Until I saw your update I was going to say keep quiet S it had been felt with but if asked say you were really sorry but you are not sure what the true story is. But your son has admitted it and if he owned up to it that takes guts. He's at the age where you can make it clear he's done the right thing by owning up. Losing it will probably make him less likely to own up to anything that may happen in the future. I think there's usually a reason behind this behaviour which will probably take a while to get to the bottom of. Re the other mum you don't have to say anything else to her at all. However if it was one of my children I would send a text keeping it brief but acknowledging her child had been truthful... I've done this previously where my eldest was devestated to admit she had hurt another child. Whatever you decide just keep calm

ThermoScan · 27/03/2017 23:35

Thanks both.
Consequences will be removal of privileges (iPad and TV time ).
He knows how badly I view it ,despite owning up.
Was also going to get him to write a letter to the boy saying sorry.He confessed just before bedtime otherwise would have been done there and then.

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chastenedButStillSmiling · 27/03/2017 23:54

I like the idea of a letter. He doesn't need privileges removed as well. AS long as he thinks about the letter and what it needs to say (doesn't matter how well he writes it or if he just draws an 'I'm sorry' picture... the emotion is the important thing.

PLEASE don't give your child the message that telling the truth = punishment.

Tell him instead that you were going to remove privileges but that you won't BECAUSE he told the truth.

Owning up is massive. And, yes, there has to be a consequence for his action (the letter you've suggested is brilliant). One crime = one consequence and all the better it's relevant (which the letter is).

You can tell him how disappointed you are he lied. But how thrilled you are he told the truth. You can say you're sad and disappointed by what he did. And then let him make that better (can I just say again how much I love the letter idea!)

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 28/03/2017 00:01

I agree with chastened. Of course his behaviour isn't acceptable but children make mistakes and it must have been a huge deal for him to admit he'd done it and that needs to be acknowledged. Yes he needs some sort of recourse for what he's done but he also needs to know that telling the truth is the right thing to do

PeaFaceMcgee · 28/03/2017 00:03

he can be a bit rough but rarely deliberately harms anyone (except his brothers

What is his punishment when he deliberately attacks his brothers?

ThermoScan · 28/03/2017 07:24

peaface consequences of that are apologise
, then leave the room /remove from situation/no longer watch his choice on TV depending on the situation.
Any other suggestions ?

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FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 28/03/2017 12:57

Thermo - just wanted to come back, I hope I didn't upset you with my 'what are you thinking' comment, when I read it back it seems arsey but I really meant it like we were having a conversation - what are you thinking is going to be an appropriate response type thing

I have three boys and they fight and tell tales. I normally take the approach that if I am out of the room and don't see it then they apologise to each other and are separated. I know they egg each other on. They obviously also get told off! They're old enough to know better but young enough to not have much self control. I think your son is the same.

neverthetwainshallmeet · 28/03/2017 13:01

I don't know what 7 year olds are like (my DS is 4) but I agree with chastened'

Kleinzeit · 28/03/2017 13:25

I would have a shortlived punishment and - assuming the boy's Mum is a reasonable person - insist that he goes over to the other boy's house to say sorry. If he writes a letter then he has to hand it over in person. Shake hands and make up. That's for the other boy's sake because just getting a letter wont make him feel better about your DS.

Having a proper "consequence" may make your DS feel better. He did something wrong, he owned up, he took the consequence, he apologised. All done and dusted so that when it's all over he can feel better about himself because in the end he did all the right things.

(Can you tell I've btdt?)

ThermoScan · 28/03/2017 13:26

felicia thank you,I thought that was what you meant and wasn't offended.
All the comments are very helpful. I really need any advice to help me get the message to him that hurting other people is not acceptable and am also reassured that at 7 it can just be a result of lack of self-control ,not that I have a bigger problem on my hands ,which is my/our underlying concern.

OP posts:

Kleinzeit · 28/03/2017 13:28

PS I mean a short-lived punishment as well as the apology/letter.

Gottagetmoving · 28/03/2017 13:38

I think your DS should be made to apologise to the boy in person.
Whether we like it or not, children of this age will hit or fight each other. It really isn't unusual and doesn't mean your DS is going to be a violent person but they do have to learn it is unacceptable and why.
You should also ask him why he felt the need to hurt the other child so you can talk about that to him

Jumbl · 28/03/2017 13:44

Going forward I would probably take a really close look at how he and his siblings are behaving with each other.
Maybe they are being pretty heavy handed with each other and this is now spilling out into how they behave with other children. You don't say what age his brothers are but maybe he is using his age and size over a younger brother, or having an older brother use their age and size over him?

(I speak as the parent of 4 age 10 and under and I find it a constant minefield to let them have normal sibling fights but also to make sure they're not effectively bullying each other due to their age and size differences.)

wigglesrock · 28/03/2017 13:46

Honestly I wouldn't go over to the other childs house to apologise. One of my kids was hurt around the same age by a classmate, the last thing she wanted was the other child anywhere near, certainly not in or at her house. In our case the other child apologised in school (the incident happened there), my child shrugged, told him not to touch her again, then tbh she just avoided him from then on. She was civil enough in class - pass the pencils etc but they never paired up or played together. I think sometimes in situations the onus can be put on the "hurt" child to make the other one feel better.

Its a hard situation to deal, you've got to the bottom of it, you've spoken to the other parent, you've dealt with your child.

Kleinzeit · 28/03/2017 22:50

Fair point wiggles it should be up to the other boy so thermo should ask the boy's mother first. But just getting just a letter could make him feel worse.

Allthewaves · 28/03/2017 23:03

Middle ds did something similar but with a bullying element. He was grounded for a wk inc weekend. Had to go to his room straight after school. He ate his meals separately then straight back to room. No tv or electronics - they r downstairs anyway. Non after school clubs or activities. Morning Henham to stay in his room. He spent whole weekend in his room. Probably bit harsh for punching incident but as I said bullying was involved

Isetan · 29/03/2017 01:29

A letter I a bad idea, first of all he's too young to be writing apologies and it distances himself from the apology. He needs to apologise in person and in front of the boy's mother. In addition, I think you need to review your son's behaviour because before the admission you sounded quite dismissive (he's boisterous and only aggressive with his brother etc). It was an unprovoked attack and your son sounds like a bully and you need to tackle his aggression from that perspective.

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