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To really not want to deal with other school mums... (crying not happy - just want an easier life)

(32 Posts)
Gotbills2pay Thu 16-Mar-17 14:17:06

I work full time and have a partner who has ocassional depressive episodes; which means I basically the backbone of my family (we have two DCs) we both work full time but partner does need lots of support.
My oldest DC has a group of friends at schoool, they are in year 3. Anyway for the last 2.5 years my DC has been coming home on ocassion crying or upset. It takes us a while but my DC is always mentioning how this other child is constantly critical of my DC. Anyway I constantly tell DC that if they don't like this child then don't play with them. However this child appointed themselves the head of the group and it came to head a few weeks ago when my DC came home with a printed letter that had been written by this other 8 year old outlining the rules of their group - which included not letting anyone else into the group. My DC got very upset when I found it. Anyway I sent the mother of the child who wrote this letter (all done with bullet points on a computer - by a 7 year old) asking her how it got my DC's bag and that obviously other memebers of the group had similiar letters. I did admire this child but I thought the mum might just say 'is your child okay' sorry to have upset etc etc. So I ended up running the letter past two child pyschologists I know - both said if the mother isn't bothered send the letter to the school. I rung up the school and said 'please tell me if I'm being an overly concerned parent but this letter came home in my child's bag etc etc. Deputy head calls me back and says I'm right to be concerned. However all the other three mums think we should talked it all out before I went to the school. But I had a lot on - cousin died, appeal battle at work, and then partner having an episode. Plus these mums are not that friendly to me, I've tried with them but there are other mums at the school I get on with better; but then I don't think their DC would have put a letter like that in my child's bag. I'm feeling really guilty as I don't want to de-friend school mums but my DC was not happy in this gang; and has been better in the last two weeks. The experts I spoke to said the letter could have been the start of bullying. I was bullied at school so I don't want my daughter to go through the same when mine could have been stopped early on.
Anyway feeling mother's guilt and so upset... but I don't know what else I could ahve done. These mums felt that the children could have sorted it out amongst themselves; however this gang thing has got out of control and I have said to the other mums - before this happened - we shouldn't be encouraging them to be so cliquey. I'm going to blasted now - please be gentle I'm actually crying here...

user1471451564 Thu 16-Mar-17 14:18:59

You did the right thing. Don't doubt yourself. flowers

QueenofallIsee Thu 16-Mar-17 14:20:44

You are not in the wrong here AT ALL. I would not love that scenario? Rules of a group? Children do not always have the emotional maturity to understand how to resolve conflict, or to see the full ramifications of their actions - adults need to step in and that is what you did. They can think what they like but I would have gone to the school as well

ageingrunner Thu 16-Mar-17 14:23:39

You did the right thing. The school definitely needs to know about that situation!

TeenAndTween Thu 16-Mar-17 14:24:09

The rule with these things is always to go straight to the school. Do not try to sort via the Mums.

You did the right thing.

MrsWhiteWash Thu 16-Mar-17 14:24:25

I've have gone directly to the school - even when I know the other parents. They are in best position to keep an eye on the situation.

Actually last time I contacted a school - secondary I wasn't expecting much more keep an eye on my DD as she was very upset - but they immediately dealt with it - they saw it as the start of bullying and were more than prepare to stop it before it got started - which worked.

I think you did the right thing.

Gotbills2pay Thu 16-Mar-17 14:26:23

Queen thing is these children were invited on a trip for my DCs birthday and now I've got to take them there. Everyone else I speak to - believes I did the right thing - apart from the mums involved, but then maybe that's why they've ended up being in this group - the children are not equipped to deal with someone who is trying to bully them into being friends. Thankfully my DC has started making other friends.

icanteven Thu 16-Mar-17 14:27:18

You shouldn't doubt yourself - you absolutely did the right thing. You ran it by the mother of the child who wrote it first and when her response was (as I gather) inadequate, you took it to the school. That was absolutely the correct order in which to do things, and it has precisely nothing to do with the other mothers. Why should it? It wasn't written by their child, and they can choose to interpret and handle it in their own way. You are a grown woman and you don't have to check with half the playground before you act on something.

However... I'm a little worried that you were crying as you made this post, because it suggests that you are feeling under a LOT of pressure right now and this (which wouldn't normally be a huge deal in that you are handling it efficiently and well) shouldn't really be reducing to you tears. Are YOU getting any support from anybody, or are you carrying the burden of everything - your partner's mental health, your children and home, your work problems and recent bereavement - all on your own?

You can access counselling relatively affordably online and it might help to be able to unburden yourself to an outside entity. I was thinking of signing up for ink{https://www.babylonhealth.com/pricing\www.babylonhealth.com/pricin]]g} yesterday and they have therapist appointments for £39.

Gotbills2pay Thu 16-Mar-17 14:27:40

I don't feel like the woman (Ellen) in The Replacement now - although my DH did back me! Thanks Mumsnetters x

Sweets101 Thu 16-Mar-17 14:27:48

I agree with going straight to the school. They are in a much better position to get a view on what is actually going on and to deal with it in situ.

marthastew Thu 16-Mar-17 14:29:08

I would have gone straight to the school too op. I'd have been furious!

icanteven Thu 16-Mar-17 14:30:20

Wow. Look at that for a link fail.

Babylon Health

Gotbills2pay Thu 16-Mar-17 14:30:47

icanteven I am getting some help - seeing a therapist - but not sure it's quite enough

Gotbills2pay Thu 16-Mar-17 14:31:41

Also I ended up telling one of the other mums about my DH, which I didn't really want to do - as an 'excuse' for my behaviour (i.e. going to the school).

checkin Thu 16-Mar-17 14:32:24

Always go to the school. You did the right thing. You will always get the boss girl in groups who attempt to lay down rules for girls but as she has put this in writing it gives the school a perfect example to draw from when discussing this with them.

For your daughter I recommend the film "mean girls". I watched it with both my daughters. It is a Lyndsey Lohan film but displays girl relationships in a group setting to a tee. I told both my children to figure out who played what roles within a group and then they would know how to handle them without conflict.

Gotbills2pay Thu 16-Mar-17 14:34:05

Yes - my opinion is the school (a Christian school so 'Jesus didn't exclude anyone' being the mantra) were the best to know if my concerns were justified. Also they took all the girls aside to speak to them., and one of the mums said to me 'you upset my daughter' - becasue they were taken aside and talked to by the teachers so this child told their mum they had been told off. But I was assured by the school (which is a great school!) they talked to them gently about gangs and rules...

Gotbills2pay Thu 16-Mar-17 14:34:58

checkin is mean girls okay for an 8 year old?

Zippydoodah Thu 16-Mar-17 14:35:12

Of course the mums are going to be annoyed as they have a vested interest. Imagine what they would have said? Something wishy washy like 'kids will be kids.'

Plus they have a gang mentality so they won't see their little ones as being cliquey. It will be normal to them.

DontSweatTheSmallStuff Thu 16-Mar-17 14:35:21

You did the right thing. It could be that this child is a potentially a bully but it could also be that he is very insecure and this is his way of being in control/feeling safe. (been there with my ds)

Either way its happening at school and therefore school need to deal with it.

BeachysSnowyWellieBoots Thu 16-Mar-17 14:35:31

It sounds like you did give the other mum the chance to respond and she chose not to......

You're right to go to the school - if any mum raises it with you, I would just say 'I thought it was something the school should be aware of' and repeat. It's completely your choice what you bring to the school's attention and you were right to do so, IMO.

VilootShesCute Thu 16-Mar-17 14:43:10

Don't be upset you totally did the right thing. I hate school runs and other mothers it can all get too much sometimes, especially with all the other things you have to deal with in life. Stay strong and know you are doing right by your child flowers

checkin Thu 16-Mar-17 14:45:23

Oppps sorry I don't know why I thought you said 11

No I would think 8 was too young for it. The concept is still good though for group dynamics.

PunjanaTea Thu 16-Mar-17 14:47:51

You totally did the right thing and don't need an excuse as to why you went to the school. Writing such a letter is not acceptable behaviour and the school needs to be aware of this to ensure that message is put across to the children and future bullying like behaviour can be tackled.

IamFriedSpam Thu 16-Mar-17 14:48:08

YANBU. Unless you're very close with those other mums it's better to let the school handle it. Everyone only hears their own child's point of view and is naturally a bit biased towards their DC. Teachers at school are neutral and can see the dynamic when the DC's are at school which might be different to the dynamic us parents see at home.

IamFriedSpam Thu 16-Mar-17 14:50:11

Personally if my DC ever do something like this I'd actually prefer the other parents went to the school (I'd hope the school contacted me about it though!). I would of course take it seriously however I found out about it but it's easier to discuss it with a neutral teacher rather than a parent.

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