AIBU to be mad at in laws?(52 Posts)
OK I need to write this as structured as possible so I'm going to do points and you can say if any/all are unreasonable.
1. they babysat my 5 month old when I had my first ever keep in touch day with work, that morning baby got ill with a cold and a bad chest and I asked them to please keep her inside, they said yes. 3 hours later I get a pic of them out and said we needed a little walk. Bit annoying but ok a little walk won't do any harm. 3 hours later again a text saying still put had a lovely day...
2. I have a really bad back since very fast labour (under docs for it) makes it impossible to rock my baby which is upsetting enough. I've asked everyone who holds her not to rock her as for days after she's been rocked she can't be settled any other way and I either need to put her through upset or put myself through pain. They agreed but rock her in front of me everytime I see them, when I ask them to stop they say I'm criticising them.
3.i don't like my baby having a dummy except from for bed and they keep giving her one when I'm out of the room when she isn't even crying. I don't even take one to their house anymore so they call me mean mum.
4. When DD was 4 days old FIL stick his finger in her mouth, I said have you washed that (I didn't care even if he had because I found it gross) he said no. Now they keep telling DP I have depression and need help because I didn't want germs in the babies mouth
5. Every time I see them they ask me everything, this sounds stupid but it really is everything. Are you going back to work, are you enjoying being a mum, what do you do with her all day, are you over the labour etc etc. I see them once or twice a week so mostly the answers don't change and I'm sick of saying the same thing over and over
Genuinely interested what people think
Can you minimise contact with them easily as if you see them more infrequently, you may have more topics to discuss.
Fingers in a baby's mouth is not on imo, also I never used dummies, so YANBU
Hmm, well without getting drawn into debate with them you need to adjust your own boundaries to what makes you comfortable. Not a negotiation just your decision.
Obviously you need to:
a) be busy, too busy to meet that often, maybe once a month at a push
b) get paid childcare who can be fired at will
Life is short, parent the way you want to and be happy with it, they had their go already
Practise the phrase "No." Add a thank you if you really need to, this is excellent practise for toddlerhood.
Thanks, just needed to check I wasn't being completely crazy!
I would spend as little time as possible with these people, and certainly wouldn't leave my baby with them.
What does DP think about all this?
DP agrees with me when I speak to him but doesn't like me talking about it an doesn't want me to raise anything with them. He has big avoidance issues and has freely admitted he's scared of them has been since childhood
1/ Absolutely out of order. They should not have done that. They should have considered the health of the baby of their need for a three hour + walk.
2/ Kind of understandable, although I get it is annoying for you. Put a baby, or even a doll in my arms and I will rock it without even realising it.
3/ You seem to have solved that one by not taking a dummy with you.
4/ Finger in the mouth-eugh! Just eugh! Asking about depression sounds like concern to me.
5/ Again, concern, or maybe, as others have suggested, lack of anything else to talk about.
So, on balance, just number one is horrific, but that one is really bad.
You are not crazy, your in laws sound horrible!
I've had to set very firm boundaries with mine as they tend to think they know best (in spite of them not being great parents and it being 30 years on and things being different now) fortunately my DH will stand by my side every time which I'm very grateful and lucky to have.
Why on earth is it "horrific" to have taken a wrapped up baby out for some fresh air. It was annoying that they ignored what you asked but honestly I can't see how it would have done any harm at all.
They sound annoying and I would be reducing the amount of time I spent with them if it was making me stressed but the walk wouldn't bother me and I find it impossible to hold a tiny baby without rocking it, it's just a natural reaction.
I don't think it's horrifif but I'm not exactly happy at them agreeing and then changing their mind without speaking to me.
She's 5 months old, not a tiny baby any more. And I guess I see how it's an automatic thing, nobody else seems to be having a problem though considering the reason behind it.
Some fresh air is often good for baby with a cold as long as they're wrapped up. Being slightly propped up in stroller helped each of my babies sleep which is what's needed most when they're ill.
I'm sorry you're clashing on the other things though. It sounds like they are being insensitive on some things. It makes for a stressful life for you all.
I wouldnt say number 1 was horrific.
As long as baby was wrapped up i cant see a problem it was a cold and you dont say if been out had any ill affects.
2) I would rock a baby its natural. I doubt it was done to piss you off.
3) I dont understand why a dummy is a problem they are comforting to a baby. Why would you not want a baby to feel comforted? But you fixed that by removing it.
4) why did he stick is fingers in her mouth? I mean did he just randomly shove them in there or was the baby holding is finger and she brought them to her mouth? Its what babies do. You will lose your shit when she starts eating everything she gets her hands on
5) I think they are just making small talk. You do sound overly anxioys and they probably fear there is something wrong or that they will say the wrong thing and upset you so choose basic topics.
You dont like how they care for your child then dont have them babysit. Simple.
You sound unhappy. Are you in constant pain with the backache? That can make us behave differently with people and perhaps make things seem bigger than they are.
I agree Crispbutty. As long as baby was wrapped up (which op says was the case) then fresh air is no problem.
But if OP doesnt like it then she needs to reduce contact
even if she is being a bit pfb
She is now on an inhaler for the chest one week later, but I doubt it's as a direct impact I just wanted her in the warm
I agree, I see how the rocking is natural it just makes life hard for me so I'm being over sensitive
She only has a dummy for sleep, that's why it annoys me when she is playing happily and they use it. I want her comforted but not over reliant
Because she was crying and it was before I gave her a dummy, she was 4 days old she didn't grab and pull. She does now and everything goes in her mouth, it doesn't bother me, at 4 days old a unwashed finger did
Maybe, I'm actually not over anxious though I'm just sick of repeating myself and them doing the same annoying things
Sorry I thought it said 4 months old.
So he used his finger to comfort her....sorry thats different to just shoving them in her mouth
Like I said you dont like how they care for her then dont use them as childcare.
I would not advocate no contact as their behaviour does not sound bad at all and it would be your DD that loses out.
Also i didn't say she was wrapped up, i hadn't put a coat anf hat in as she wasn't supposed to go out so she just had a cardigan and blanket on in the pram they bought for their house
I'd be more concerned at their putting you down than anything. Mean mummy? Questioning your mental health? They sound like nasty sods to me.
I won't use them as childcare again, thanks for advice
Let's face it... you don't like them and there will always be something mumsnet 'threadworthy' that they do
Sounds like you wont be happy with anything they do.
Oh and I said he stuck his finger in her mouth, I didn't say it was for any bad reason i just didn't want his unwashed finger in there, to comfort or not
I would minimise contact. Don't go to see them so often, let DH answer the phone when they ring. If they call your mobile let it go to voicemail and text them later saying "been really busy, catch up soon" or something vague.
When you do have to see them keep the conversation neutral and tell them as little as possible. If they start up the interrogation just say "I don't know/fine/" If they persist just give them the tinkly laugh and say "Gosh this is like the Spanish Inquisition!" and walk away saying you need the loo or something.
DH is probably going to have to deal with this at some point.............
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