To raise this at parents evening, and if not, how?

[PugwallsSummer]

DD1 is in reception. She is the youngest in her class and fairly anxious. She enjoys school and by all accounts she is coping well and making progress. She has lots of little friends that she went to playgroup with in her class.

Recently though she has been coming home and reporting that one of the girls in her class is behaving badly towards her. For example, pushing DD over in the playground when she doesn't want to play, and excluding DD from playground games that involve DD's other friends; leaving her with no one to play with.

Last week my daughter came home and told me that the other girl had "fighted" her, she demonstrated nudging each other with elbows. She said the TA had seen and told the girl to stop it. I didn't think too much more of it.

Today, DD told me that this little girl had pulled her hair at home time and blamed it on another child.

I know that this child is quite dominant and have observed her "manhandling" DD at parties, albeit not in an intentionally nasty way. She took an instant shine to DD when starting school and her mother told me that she talks about DD a lot at home. The problem is that DD finds the girl's dominant nature difficult and doesn't enjoy being "babied". She has started tentatively trying to be more assertive (I have discussed this with her and modeled what to say when she doesn't want to play).

Until now, I have been of the view that managing these situations is all part of growing up and DD needs to learn to deal with it. However, my advice to DD seems to have backfired on her, as the girl now seems to be treating her quite badly.

I asked DD today if she had told a grown up about what happened at home time, but she told me that they are "not allowed to tell tales at school". I asked her if she would like me to speak to her teacher but she became quite anxious about "telling tales".

So I feel that I need to raise my concerns about the relationship between DD and the other little girl, but also about DD not feeling that she can tell an adult.

My head is telling me that kids will be kids and this is likely to just blow over in a few weeks. I also understand through experience that teachers of primary aged children do get plagued with non-issues and the temptation to use the "don't tell tales" line. But on the other hand, the thought of my 4 year old child possibly being targeted, but feeling unable to seek help just breaks my heart!

AIBU to seek a meeting with the class teacher? And if I do, how do I broach it?

(So as not to drip feed, the teacher is fantastic, but can be a little "bristly" when she perceives she is being challenged).

[early30smum]

Absolutely set up a meeting and discuss this. I'm all for children learning to sort out their differences, but this sounds like more than you DD can cope with. She's 4, she needs some support from the teacher.

[Wolfiefan]

I would have a word. You don't need to challenge the teacher. Just as for a word. Is everything ok at school? DD has mentioned these issues. Could they keep an eye? Telling tales is saying things to try and get others in trouble. If a child is hurting or repeatedly upsetting her then she needs to tell someone.

[iamapixiebutnotaniceone]

I couldn't leave it, even if you just make the teacher aware of the problem between the girls so she can monitor before deciding the best action xx

[TeenAndTween]

I would raise it separately from parents evening.
Ask for a meeting after school, maybe with a note first outlining the issues so teacher can consider.

[Rory786]

Sorry to hear this OP, it sounds like you are handling it well, but yes have a word to the teacher. Hope it gets resolved quickly.🌸🌷

[Sittinginthesun]

Don't wait until parent's evening, just ask the teacher if you have a quiet word with her.

The key thing to say is that there seems to be an issue between the your dd and this child, your dd is coming home very upset, and could she keep an eye.

At this age, that should be enough.

[Marmalady75]

I'm a teacher and I'd much rather a parent made me aware of an issue like this than leaving it to fester and cause upset or worry.

[Mumtobe12]

I would absolutely set up a meeting don't wait for parents evening teachers have very restricted time then it would be better to not be rushed

[hmmwhatatodo]

You dont need to set up a meeting or pre warn the teacher with a note outlining anything. Just hang back after school tomorrow and let her know what your daughter is telling you and ask if the teacher and other relevant staff can watch over the next few days to see whats going on. No need to turn it into a big event involving meetings!

[PugwallsSummer]

Thanks for the responses. I will email the teacher to request a meeting.

marmalady I also want to raise the issue that DD feels she can't tell, but want to do this in a way that doesn't come across on an attack on the teacher. I fully believe that the teacher has said "don't tell tales" (haven't we all at some point!), but my DD is quite anxious (which the teacher herself has raised with me), and has fixated on not being able to tell. I have talked through with her what "telling tales" might be, and given examples to help her understand. I have told her that if someone deliberately hurts her or says/does something to deliberately hurt her feelings, she should always talk to an adult. But she is convinced that she'll be told off if she tells. I have also discussed "several times on purpose" as a way to understand that a grown up needs to know.

[Justwantcookies]

Speak to the teacher so they can keep an eye on things. Some kids unfortunately are just right little terrors, it needs nipping in the bud now

[grumpypug]

Reception teacher here. I'd expect a parent to raise the issue with me before parents evening. Just say that your daughter is upset because ..... (all the reasons above). You understand children don't get along 'nicely' all of the time however as it's playing on your daughters mind at home, could it be dealt with?

It may be the teacher is already aware or your daughter has her wires crossed about telling tales. If I was your daughters teacher I would be having a word and letting her know it's ok to tell the teacher that the other child has done x, y, z. The other child may be totally oblivious and just need it spelling out that your daughter doesn't like it.

[PugwallsSummer]

hmmwhat the teacher prefers setting up meeting for discussions and is not available for anything other than a brief handover at drop off / collection. I don't feel that I would be able to get across my concerns in the fleeting time I'd get at the classroom door (plus other parents would be in earshot which would be unfair on the little girl in question).

It seems though that I'm not overthinking the situation though, which is reassuring in a way.

[Asuitablemum]

I agree set up a different meeting to discuss this otherwise you will spend your whole allotted 10 mins discussing it rather than academic progress etc. I would raise it and just say that she is worried about telling tales. No need to say where she got that from.

[ClaryIsTheBest]

not sure...

I personally would be much more concerned by her being made to feel like she couldn't tell you by somebody.

Maybe a teacher's reaction was less than graceful?

[BrieAndChilli]

Definitely raise it with the teacher. I am also all for kids working things out themselves and it's a skill they need to develope.

DD is in year 4 and at the start of the year she told me in passing that 2 of her friends had fallen out with each other and she was stuck in the middle, I advised her not to get involved and just to tell them she was friends with everyone. After a few weeks she was in tears as one of the girls had told her she could only play with her and if she tried to play with anyone else was telling people not to play with DD and being very mean to DD.
I spoke to the teacher and that day she spoke to all the girls in the class about friendships etc and then also spoke to the girl in question who admitted she had been very mean.
Sometimes the kids need you to stay out of it but sometimes they need you to do the right thing and help them.

[BarbarianMum]

Yes do bring it up - either at parent's evening or make an appointment for after school. It is hard to understand the difference between asking for help and telling takes. Lots of little children struggle with it. Ds' reception teacher used the phrase "Where are you in this story?" a lot, to try and discourage x telling on what y said to z. In Y2 they had a "telling book" - if you wanted to tell on a classmate you had to write it down what had happened and been said and what happened next. That got rid of the 90% or so of complaints as only children who felt strongly enough about an incident could be bothered to write it up. And neither of these solutions were perfect.

[BonnyScotland]

any School or Teacher within a school... that discourages a child reporting any form of bullying.. intimidating or inappropriate behaviour... by negatively calling it 'Telling Tales'.... should be investigated.

Your daughter is being bullied and has in basic terms been told to 'suck it up Princess'...

The School is not acting in the best interests of your Child and this is a very serious matter which cannot be ignored....

[PugwallsSummer]

bonnyscotland I think you've hit the nail on the head. I think I'm more upset about her feeling unable to tell, and being frightened of me talking to the teacher about it. I know that kids are sometimes mean and these situations often work themselves out. I'm just sad that she is so worried about the teacher being told.

[PugwallsSummer]

...but I do accept that DD may have misconstrued the teachers sentiment.

I'm not convinced that she has though.

[ClaryIsTheBest]

any School or Teacher within a school... that discourages a child reporting any form of bullying.. intimidating or inappropriate behaviour... by negatively calling it 'Telling Tales'.... should be investigated.


Exactly. You expressed it so much more eloquently than I ever could.

This seems truly worrying. I mean, what teacher would do that?

MAybe talk with your daughter beforehand to know a bit more about where this is coming from?

[ChrisYoungFuckingRocks]

DTD1 was targeted by the class bully in Reception (they always pick the vulnerable ones - DD has ASD and is also the youngest in her class). I arranged meetings with the class teacher and the head teacher on many occasions over 4 years. They always smiled and nodded, but nothing was ever done (that I know of), and the bullying continued unabated. Thing is, the head didn't like me at all, and the bully's mom was a teacher at the school, so they weren't prepared to do anything. I eventually decided enough is enough, moved to a different town when my DTDs were in Y3, and put them in a much bigger school, where bullying is taken extremely seriously. I have a quick word with the class teacher when I pick them up from school, and the next day the issue has been sorted.

It's not a small village school by any chance? I find them much worse for this sort of thing than larger schools.

[Deliaskis]

I had quite a similar situ with DD earlier this year, it wasn't a targeted thing, but some aggressive behaviour from older boys and DD worrying about 'telling tales', plus midday assistants being a bit 'never mind, just stay out of their way'. DD also quite quiet and shy and I felt this approach could be quite damaging for those not confident speaking up on the first place.

I looked up the school's anti-bullying policy online and there was quite a lot in there about an open culture and children should feel comfortable reporting unacceptable behaviour. I summarised how I felt about it in an email and asked for a meeting and the issue was then dealt with very promptly, and I think because I was armed with their own policy, I felt more credible and less 'precious', and certainly less likely to be intimidated our thrown off my game than if I'd not taken that approach.

[BarbarianMum]

The thing is, 4 and 5 year olds can be stickers for the rules and some of the bossier children in the class can take it upon theselves to police the behaviour of others "Miss, Billy's not doing his work" "Billy won't sit next to me" "Billy was talking in the line for assembly" "Miss, Billy didn't write his name on his painting"
And in this way telling can itself become a form of harassment/ bullying.

[PugwallsSummer]

I think if teachers use the phrase "don't tell tales", especially with younger children, they need to make clear what telling tales is. I think at 4, "don't tell tales" means "don't tell on people". But sometimes telling on people is exactly the right thing to do.