About ds birthday and ex?

[ShaniaTwang]

Ds will be 7 in the last week of April. It falls on the Sunday of exs weekend. I have been asking for the past month what he (ex) wants to do so I can arrange a party for ds. I have suggested that we have a family lunch on the Sunday followed by his party. Ex has ignored me.
Today he told me he has arranged for his family to have a party with ds on the Sunday and obviously I am not invited, but I can arrange a party for ds on the sat.
My ds will be upset not to spend his birthday with me, will find it odd that I'm not there, and I'm really upset at the thought of it.
Aibu?

[hellsbellsmelons]

He will get 2 birthday parties.
He will be absolutely fine!
Of course YANBU to feel like you do.
But honestly, he'll have a blast.
No negativity from you. Just give him a fabulous party on the Saturday.

[crazycatgal]

I agree with you, your Ex should put any differences aside so you can both spend the day with your DS and give him a great birthday.

[ShaniaTwang]

I should say, I have been bending over backwards to be amicable and make things OK for the kids. I feel this is controlling, hurtful and bad for ds.

Or, is this how it works in separated families and I just need to suck it up? Fwiw, the dc previous birthdays have fallen on 'my' days and I have always included ex.

[ShaniaTwang]

Thank you both - I'll make it work if I need to do the party on the sat but devastated at the thought of not seeing ds on his big day

[Astoria7974]

It's his day so let him spend the day with your ds. Next year the bdy will fall on a different day which would be yours. It'll balance out. As others suggested make Saturday really special for him - spoil him rotten.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Unfortunately that is how it works.
So stop including him and bending over backwards.
It's got you nowhere as he is a selfish prick.
Lesson learnt.
You don't need to be devastated.
Stop thinking like that or you've a lifetime ahead of you.
He'll have your super party first.
So make it great!

[FFTransform]

Sadly you have to be the bigger person here; maybe not bending over backwards next time but still trying to include ex - if you think that DC benefits from both of you being there

At the end of the day DC will realise who looked out for him and you are modeling great behavior- ex not so much

[AnneLovesGilbert]

I have a DSC the same age and we have different birthday celebrations, it's fine. They don't see their parents together the rest of the time - things are civil but all communications are solely about contact arrangements - so they'd fine it far more confusing to have one party with both parents there.

It's lovely you've included ex when you've arranged celebrations but I'd take this as a sign that he wants things to change now. Let him have his family on the Sunday and you do a party on the Saturday. You even get to go first!

I know it's a change from how things have been but you can't keep things friendly on your own, and the relationship doesn't become unamicable because you each have separate birthday celebrations for your son.

[ginswinger]

Best thing about having divorced parents was two of everything. I even got two Christmas stockings until the age of 40.

[Bagel88]

It's your ex's weekend, and he has given you a month's notice.
Next time it will be your turn

[ShaniaTwang]

Thanks everyone

Yes I should get with the programme. I know. It's such a painful thought that ds would wonder why I wasn't there.

But that is my issue and I need to put a big smile on and get on with it

and he really is a massive selfish prick though

[tinyterrors]

I can understand how you feel but yes this is how it is in blended families. It's great that you include your ex but that's your choice.

As long as you stay positive for him he'll have two favourite parties. He doesn't see you and ex together every other day and is fine. My dsd has always had two parties even when she was 5 and has always been fine with it, same as at Christmas and Easter. She dealt with having separate birthday parties better than the earlier ones where dh and his ex were both there as it confused her to have them at the party but not every other day.

[blissey]

Hey may be a selfish prick generally (we don't know), but he isn't unreasonable on this occasion. It's his weekend, so he gets DS on his birthday. Your wishes don't trump his just because you're DS's mum and he is 'only' his dad. And it's a win-win situation for DS as he gets a whole birthday weekend.

[Dallyw]

My ex has ds every sat night and all day Sunday. My ds birthday was yesterday. For the first time ever my son woke up without me on his birthday. Be honest with yourself, your son won't be upset about you not being there as much as you will be. It was horrible for me, but he brought him home at dinner time and my side of the family had a party for him then.
If you are splitting special occasions with the ex when your son is normally with you, but he isn't with you, stop doing it. The way I see it, I have my son six days a week, every week. It's only once every 7 years he wouldn't be with me on his birthday. Same with Christmas. If you split special occasions on your years and he doesn't on his he is being a selfish prick. If my ex had of refused to split his birthday this year, like I do every year, would I fuck be splitting Christmas. It's about compromise.

[ShaniaTwang]

I left ex because he is an abusive, controlling, deeply unkind person. He is a knob jockey of the highest order. I am cross with myself for not leaving sooner.

He is putting huge pressure on me to split their time equally with him which I am very worried about doing.

I have 20 or so more years of this so I better get better at dealing with it . Any advice on books or reading material most welcome

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Were you married i.e. are you divorced and do you have a child care arrangements order in place?

You can make provision for birthdays, Christmas, holidays and other things that might need negotiation.

If you do, is he trying to make a variation to an official agreement by suggesting 50/50 care rather than what you have in place at the moment?

[ZilphasHatpin]

The best way to make this a non issue for your DS is to treat it like a non-issue. He will only be upset that you're not there if you make out that you expect him to be. Paint on a happy face and get excited for him and he will see that you aren't upset so he shouldn't be either. There really is nothing to be upset about. Phone him in the morning and wish him a happy birthday.

[ShaniaTwang]

We were married, not yet divorced, we have an informal but steady agreement in place and I'm too scared of the stress of going to court so things like school holidays, bdays, Xmas are all sorted when he feels like it , ift giving me little time to plan

[ShaniaTwang]

Thanks zilpha

[welovepancakes]

Book recommendation

<a class="break-all" href="//www.amazon.co.uk/d/cka/Why-Does-He-Do-That-Inside-Controlling/0425191656?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21" rel="nofollow noindex" target="_blank">//www.amazon.co.uk/d/cka/Why-Does-He-Do-That-Inside-Controlling/0425191656?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

[AnneLovesGilbert]

It's worth the short term pain of getting something official in place to spare you the long term hassle of arranging everything as it comes up. I know it's not easy.

Mediation will be less scary and official than going to court, though it's not recommended where there's been domestic abuse. You might be able to attend sessions separately and use the mediator to work out a plan which works for everyone. Might be worth looking into.

It's his right to ask for 50/50 care but I understand when arrangement are drawn up, they been with the status quo. Which sounds, in your case, like ex sees them every other weekend?

I know you were asking about one event, the birthday celebration. You've had some good advice on that. I don't mean to derail, I just wonder if this is a good opportunity to get something sorted to prevent this sort of stress in the future. Please ignore if it's irrelevant or unhelpful.

[Astro55]

He will end fine! Lots of kids celebrate their birthday on a different day - you will have different friends and relations - 2 parties - 2 different parties! Have fun make it special

[TheNaze73]

He does sound like an arse. You've not done much wrong here other than use the term knob jockey.