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AIBU?

....to feel a bit sad for my dad? Not invited to wedding on my mum's side.

41 replies

DadAtWedding · 05/03/2017 15:54

So my mum died a few years ago and this was the first family wedding (Mum's side) since then. Dad was not invited. I haven't asked why - all I know is that if Mum had been alive, he would have been invited.

My cousin is the bride; I am relatively close to her and other immediate relatives. My dad's absence from the wedding wasn't mentioned by anyone on the day itself, but he was discussed in general (he lives overseas but visits UK relatively frequently). I was a bit confused by this, as to me it seemed a bit rude to exclude him and I'd thought maybe my older, more etiquette-conscious relatives would have avoided him as a topic. But no, he was discussed freely

I thought he didn't really mind not being invited, but Dsis and I have both got the feeling over the past 2 days that he was actually a bit hurt. Many of the groom's invited relatives were ones he barely knew, so it wasn't a case of 'But she barely knows him'. Dad would prob have politely declined anyway, but he'd have been grateful for the nod of inclusion.

AIBU to feel a bit sad for him? We were all there except him

OP posts:

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Aeroflotgirl · 05/03/2017 15:57

How awful for your dad, it's like now mum has died, he is no longer considered part of the family. Did he know the cousins? When your dad was discussed, did you ask why he was not invited?

sonyaya · 05/03/2017 15:58

Difficult because I can understand him feeling excluded, but if he doesn't know the bride and groom that well I can see why they wouldn't invite him

iogo · 05/03/2017 15:58

NU at all. That's so sad and I'd have to mention it to my cousin of it was me. I actually don't think I'd have gone.

My mum passed away in 2011 and my dad is just as much a part of my maternal-side family as ever. There were a couple of family events he couldn't attend before mum died but that's because he was at home looking after her. He's been to every family event since.

Your poor dad.

slanleat · 05/03/2017 16:15

Are you absolutely sure he wasn't invited and declined? Could he have declined at the save the date stage of things? Or told someone he wouldn't be able to go and didn't tell you or your sibling?

DadAtWedding · 05/03/2017 16:16

TBH, I think my cousin forgot he exists. They've barely spoken at all over the course of her life; it's understandable really. We (Dsis and I) used to visit this country in the summer with our mum only, so it's not like they had much chance to interact.

Her mum (my aunt) and our grandfather see my dad far more (every time he visits, in fact) and so I had assumed it would be something like:

Cousin forgets to invite him
Aunt/grandfather mention that it would be polite to do so, esp as he lives overseas and will prob decline anyway
Cousin offers
Dad declines politely (he is usually busy with work overseas)
Everyone is happy (also, Dad sends expensive gift because in his culture you do that).

However, it seems in this case like Step 2 did not occur. I'm wondering if Aunt and DGf assumed he had been invited and had declined, tbh.... however I am reluctant to ask them as the wedding has only just happened. I was wondering if IWBU for even wondering about it - they are all acting as if his absence was in the natural order of things!

OP posts:

DadAtWedding · 05/03/2017 16:18

Slanleat he swears blind that he was never invited and never expressed any disinclination to go along (at least to anyone who might relay it to the bride as such).

OP posts:

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 05/03/2017 16:26

It's a shame but if your cousin barely knows him, I don't imagine he was likely to be invited.

And presumably the older relatives didn't have the final say in the guest list?

Aeroflotgirl · 05/03/2017 16:27

It is shoddy treatment, if you are close to your cousin, I would have mentioned it.

EastMidsMummy · 05/03/2017 16:31

It's reasonable to not invite someone you've barely spoken to during your life to your wedding.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 05/03/2017 16:34

Also at people suggesting mentioning to your cousin - by all means feel sad for him but why would you think it remotely appropriate to question a bride on her guest list? I have noticed this on wedding threads and I'm a little embarrassed for anyone who would do that!

TinselTwins · 05/03/2017 16:37

OP, are you my relative? EXACT SAME scenario played out at recent family wedding of mine: tributes paid to deceased relative, widower not invited

It was off and I wasn't the only person who thought so! In fact it wasn't that bad before the gushing over the deceased! At that point it became much more unsavory in my eyes! How dare they while snubbing the deceased widower! If they'ld just not mentioned her at all then I'ld have assumed it was just a guest list thing rather than "you're not REAL family any more" think

Serialweightwatcher · 05/03/2017 16:41

I think it was totally wrong not inviting him - they were a unit and the family on her side should treat him as if he still is part of the family - it's so odd. I wouldn't have gone if this had been the case.

Kione · 05/03/2017 16:45

I think its very rude, he is still her uncle.
I am getting married in August and I have the same situation, my autie died and I've barely spoken to her husband, but I am inviting him and my two cousins. My dad meets them regularly so I expect they will come and will be nice to see them.

2rebecca · 05/03/2017 16:46

It sounds as though it's not so much that they forgot he existed but that he hasn't really been in your cousin's life so as places and money is limited at weddings I'm not surprised he's not invited. He might have been invited if he was still married to your mum but that's because your mum made the effort to visit and keep in touch where as your dad didn't even bother visiting when your mum was alive so wasn't really much of an uncle.
I have an aunt whose deceased husband was the blood relative but I'd invite her to stuff because she has always been in touch with me and behaved like an aunt and we still send xmas cards and birthday cards.
If she'd never been around when we saw my uncle and cousins and sent no cards and didn't seem interested in me I probably wouldn't bother.
I do think uncles and aunts have more of an obligation to keep in touch with nieces and nephews than vv. I send my nephews stuff but don't care if they don't send me stuff.
My dad still sends cards to my cousins on my mum's side even though my mum's dead and still phones my aunt.

TinselTwins · 05/03/2017 16:47

He might have been invited if he was still married to your mum He's widowed not divorced! it's totally differnent

2rebecca · 05/03/2017 16:49

My point was that he would ONLY have been invited because he was married to the OP's mum and you wouldn't not invite her husband.

IamFriedSpam · 05/03/2017 16:54

YANBU. A similar thing happened in my family, the widowed family member was just completely dropped from family gatherings etc. particularly hard for her as her family was all abroad so she had only had her children still in the UK.

Iamastonished · 05/03/2017 16:55

That's awful. He is her uncle, only by marriage I know, but it is a snub not to at least send an invitation.

sonyaya · 05/03/2017 16:56

Well if they've barely ever spoken and she could legitimately have forgotten he existed, I see nothing wrong in not inviting him. No criticism of him at all, but it sounds like he has made very little effort with the bride over the course of her life, so not sure why anyone would think he should be among those the bride and groom consider their nearest and dearest.

Brides and grooms should not have to invite people they don't know because their parents tell them to.

Also, the whole "he would have declined" thing - this has been played out so many times where parents of marrying couples say "oh just invite this person, they won't come anyway"... 95% of the time they do.

2rebecca · 05/03/2017 17:00

He hasn't behaved much like an uncle though. He's an uncle who has hardly ever seen his niece and doesn't sound as though he's corresponded at all with her since his wife died.
I don't view wedding invitations as something you get because of your position in the extended family. If you don't actually have a real relationship with someone then you shouldn't expect an invite. If you want people to make an effort with you then you have to make an effort with them, particularly if live abroad.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 05/03/2017 17:01

That's so sad . I can see both sides but the elder relatives should have done something , yanbu OP these widowed parents hey

Sprinklestar · 05/03/2017 17:20

That's awful but why didn't you say something before the big day? Sounds like you went along anyway. I likely wouldn't have in your shoes if my DF had been excluded!

AcrossthePond55 · 05/03/2017 17:21

I think it's horrible! My aunt (Mum's sister) died in 1963 and her widower (and later his 'new' wife) were invited to every family party until they each passed away in the '90s. They also hosted the 'family party' for us all at Xmas, keeping up the tradition that the siblings (Mum et al) rotated having the family for Xmas Dinner. When it would have been late Auntie's turn, Uncle and new-Aunt (not sure how else to refer to her ) took their turn.

I also lost a dear cousin in childbirth and her widower and his 'new' wife were/are also invited to our parties, although she later 'distanced' them from us.

Family is family.

RhiWrites · 05/03/2017 17:24

If he'd some over with your mum and you when she visited I think he'd have been invited. He didn't form a relationship, it sounds like.

Vegansnake · 05/03/2017 17:26

Why did you go ? I would of politely declined and said I didn't want to hurt his feelings by going....

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