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AIBU? Family wedding abroad

(31 Posts)
crumble82 Sat 04-Mar-17 06:22:31

Seething inside but trying to tell myself it is nothing to do with me so please tell me IBU.
DB is marrying a girl who is half foreign, she was brought up in a different country but lives, works and has family in the U.K. They have decided to get married in her country, I don't have a problem with that, their choice. What I am annoyed at is that they have booked it during term time. DH is a teacher and my DD is at school, before they booked anything I said that a term time wedding would be a problem.
My DM is now making out that I am being difficult by saying that I am the only one who will be coming and I am looking at not flying out until the Friday. She is telling me that DH and DD should miss a day of school and we should bring a nanny with us to look after the DC so we don't have to leave the reception early. I'm a SAHM, we are struggling to afford just the flight for me. My DM says she will help with the cost but I don't really want to go begging. FWIW I haven't said anything to my DB, there is no point stressing him out about something that has been booked and taking the shine off his day.
So what I am asking is AIBU to:
1. Be annoyed at DB for booking a wedding during term time despite me saying that it would make it hard for me and my family to attend.
2. Be annoyed at DM for making me feel like I'm being difficult?

tillytown Sat 04-Mar-17 06:28:21

You would be flying out on Friday, wedding Saturday(?), flying home Sunday? Term time or not, I wouldn't bother going.

Sparklyuggs Sat 04-Mar-17 06:30:48

1) understandable but it's their wedding and their choice. I'm guessing that the date worked for them/ school holidays are more expensive?

2) YANBU your DM should understand why your child shouldn't be missing school, and can you imagine the complaints if a teacher took a day off term time to go to a wedding? The nanny comment is odd too. However if she's offering I'd let her help with the cost of the trip, it might be her way or trying to help you go as she wants you all to be there.

My best friends brother has just done similar, they're V close and she's a teacher and the wedding is in Italy on a Friday in June. She's very upset but it would have cost £3000 more to get married on the Saturday and she's managed to arrange an unpaid day.

How close are you to your brother? I'd be annoyed but still do all I could to get there.

Crispsheets Sat 04-Mar-17 06:32:32

Personally I wouldn't attend a wedding abroad

Justanothernameonthepage Sat 04-Mar-17 06:32:41

YANBU but if you haven't already, maybe tell your DB and his fiance that you'd like to take them out for a celebration meal when they get back. Might help if you can tell your DM that you've already made celebration arrangements. I'd also be tempted to lie and say your DH has asked for a days holiday and it's been refused.

Lostwithinthehills Sat 04-Mar-17 06:35:41

I think anybody who decides to get married abroad has to accept that a proportion of their friends and family won't have the time or money to join them.

Don't allow yourself to feel bad when your mum puts pressure on you about attending, you didn't create the problem.

RaeSkywalker Sat 04-Mar-17 06:37:38

I wouldn't be annoyed at them booking in term time, because ultimately it's their wedding. I would be annoyed if they then pressured you and your family to attend, having been aware beforehand that this arrangement would be extremely difficult for you.

I'd ignore your DM, explain to your DB why your DH and DC can't attend (and probably say I couldn't either). Then look into whether you can watch it on Skype.

crumble82 Sat 04-Mar-17 06:38:52

My brother and I have always got on but we had drifted apart. A recent bereavement has brought us closer together and we have both said how nice that a positive has come out of it. The new found closeness is part of the reason I am so disappointed/annoyed he has done this.
Whatever happens I will be going to the wedding. I'm just upset that i'm having to go on my own and my mother is making me feel bad about it.

Creampastry Sat 04-Mar-17 06:53:26

What country? If it's an hours flight, in Western Europe, that's different and manageable.

crumble82 Sat 04-Mar-17 06:57:34

It's only a 3 hr flight away so agree it is manageable for me but if I waited for DH and DD (4 and she only starts school in September) to finish school then we won't get there until midnight. Looking after 2 exhausted children at my brothers wedding would definitely take the shine off it for me (and probably everyone else).

Kalinka16 Sat 04-Mar-17 07:02:04

Both my cousins decided to get married in far flung places. If we hadn't had a small child, we may well have gone, but we weren't prepared to spend 9+ hours on a flight with DD, and the cost of the holiday on top. If they'd have had a celebration back in the U.K. when they got back, we'd have happily gone to that, but they didn't... I was really quite sad to miss the weddings, but for me/my family, it just wasn't going to work.

Lostwithinthehills Sat 04-Mar-17 07:09:29

'Only' a three hour flight? Add on travelling to the airport, time spent at the airport for check in and security you'll be looking at five hours plus each way!

picklemepopcorn Sat 04-Mar-17 07:11:07

There is no need to make a child that age stay in school for a big family event!

And DH should talk to his school management. They may let him go but dock his pay and he may decide he can't afford to, but he can ask!

School is important yes, but not at that age and not more important than a family wedding. I'd take and older child out for that. In fact, unless it was GCSE/A level season I'd take any child out.

InvisibleKittenAttack Sat 04-Mar-17 07:14:22

Well, your DD could have the day off - few areas would fine you for 1 day and at that age it won't make much difference, and some schools would like your DH have the day off for his BILs wedding, but if you don't want to take them, then that's your decision and overseas weddings run this risk.

It could well be that your brother took on board your DH might not make it to the wedding but that date worked for more guests so your needs didn't end up the deciding factor.

Don't be angry at your db he's done nothing wrong really, unless you think your needs should have been a priority.

Feel free to tell your mother she's being an interfering bat, you explained to your brother the issues with term time wedding overseas before he booked it, clearly your DH being there is not a priority, if he doesn't mind then she needs to back off, if she really thinks your DH and DD should be there, she should take it up with db for picking a date he knew your DH and DD wouldn't attend.

Chinnygirl Sat 04-Mar-17 07:15:50

Tell your DB that you are coming but that you will be coming alone because you cant afford it. I.didnt go to a wedding once because of finances and the bride was really hurt and I was to proud to explain my finances. I still regret not telling her.

FrenchLavender Sat 04-Mar-17 07:27:52

Your husband is a teacher. he can't just swan off on a school day because of some social engagement. What does your brother not understand about this? confused

I would stop engaging with your mother over it - it's none of her business. Talk to your brother. Tell him quite simply that as the current arrangements stand you are hugely disappointed to have to say that you will be unable to attend as a family.

Explain that with a few simple amendments (i.e. you going on the Friday) it is possible for you to attend alone, but anything else simply not possible for logistical and financial reasons and you hope he understands.

Take the help from your mum if you need it to pay for your portion of the trip. Even if she's willing to help with the cost of your DH and DD attending, that's no use to you if the wedding is happening during term time.

manicinsomniac Sat 04-Mar-17 07:41:38

Your husband is a teacher. he can't just swan off on a school day because of some social engagement. What does your brother not understand about this?

Totally depends on the school. Some teachers can. I'm going to my cousin's term time wedding next month. Wedding absences are pretty common. A colleague is going to an old friend's 90th in Italy today. Another colleague had 3 days off when his first grandchild was born in Finland and they flew out to see it. We have Saturday school so I suppose that makes the head more reasonable as we would rarely be able to go to weddings etc if he didn't allow it. We also don't need to pay for supply as it's a private school and we just cover for each other. It's not just one way either. Children can miss school for any reason they like as long as parents tell the headmaster - holidays, family events, day trips, tiredness, appts for anything and everything; all sanctioned without difficulty.

Yes, it makes attendance rates lower. But it makes for a much pleasanter and less stressed atmosphere overall, I think.

So, it's worth asking. You going as a family Friday morning would be the ideal I think. If you husband isn't allowed time off then yes, I'd just go on your own.

InTheDessert Sat 04-Mar-17 07:46:49

Ignore your Mum.
Look at what the 3 of you want, and can afford, to do. Accept on that basis.

This year, and we currently don't live in the UK, which makes each of these flights 5 hours shorter, we have declined my cousins wedding, and DH is going to his brothers wedding alone. We are not pulling the kids out of school for a 7 or 12 hr flight for a term time wedding.

Screwinthetuna Sat 04-Mar-17 07:49:52

We got married abroad and also in term time. I wouldn't have booked this date if I knew immediate family couldn't attend, but one of my aunt's couldn't. It was a shame but saved us £3,000 and I understood completely when she said she couldn't come

witsender Sat 04-Mar-17 07:52:24

At 4 it is fine to take your daughter out, if she isn't 5 yet then she doesn't have to be there anyway. But that's only if you want to and can afford to!

theBaldSoprano Sat 04-Mar-17 08:01:19

It sounds like it's your mum who is unreasonable, not your poor brother. Half his bride family would have to travel "abroad" for her wedding by the sound of it, and it's perfectly natural for a girl to wish to marry in her home country.

Yes, you are unreasonable to be annoyed at your brother. There might be so many reasons why they chose the dates, I would be surprise if it was just to spite you. It's THEIR wedding, you are a SAHM and your child is little, you could absolutely attend without any issue.

Your mums is completely unreasonable to pressure you.

I have been to plenty of weddings abroad where the little ones stay very late. They sleep longer the following morning, and/or in the plane on the way home, it works very well. They sometimes fall asleep together at the venue, in a quieter place and adults keep an eye on them. You do not need to leave a party because you have a child! Even if your DH cannot join you, you can still have a great time.

reup Sat 04-Mar-17 08:14:24

I can understand not wanting to spend all that money and it being hassled with little kids. But we went to a close family wedding on a Friday last year- my DH who is a teacher got a day off no problem. My secondary school child also got authorised leave. My primary aged child didn't but we weren't fined or anything. I have worked in several schools where close family weddings were authorised so it's not that unusual.

reup Sat 04-Mar-17 08:15:31

Although the bride and groom did check with us that being in term time wouldn't be impossible for us first, which was sweet.

JustSpeakSense Sat 04-Mar-17 08:29:20

I think if they booked a term time wedding in another country then they probably aren't really bothered if you go or not.

I'd save my money if I were you and not go at all. Explain in a sympathetic way that it's not doable for your family, but perhaps throw them a celebration party with local family on their return.

KC225 Sat 04-Mar-17 08:34:53

I think you go as it shows you are committed to renewing the contact but I would not take a four year old on a whistle stop trip like that. However placid and easy going your old airports flights and transfers are time consuming and tiring. Your 4 year old will not remember it and it will be hearding her around without much fun for her.

I agree with the poster above who said say your husband asked for the day off and they said no. Then tell your DM this is what you have have decided as a family and if she goes on then you will pull out as well.

This is what happens when you arrange weddings abroad and the bride and groom must understand it is not that easy for people to drop everything or find extra funds. There doesn't have to be a big fall out and I speak from experience as I got married abroad.

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