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to think DP should be concentrating on his home life instead of working 24/7?

(70 Posts)
Harrietta911 Sun 12-Feb-17 09:22:25

We have DC aged 10, 6, 4 and 2 and I am 12 weeks pregnant. He has poor relationships with the children in that they'll happily use him to fetch things for them or do things I wouldn't (like carrying and feeding the 4 year old) but none of them listen to a word he says. I would and do back him up but he makes threats and doesn't stick to them and expects me to tell them off for him. He 'cannot' take any of them to bed or school - they would be hysterical. They don't ever want to spend time alone with him and he can't look after more than one at a time without WW3 breaking out.

He has not once got up during the night for feeds or settling or poorly children. DS6 has ASD and sleeps so badly, DD2 has never slept through the night. I don't think I've slept for longer than four hours in the past six years. I do cope, but it is no thanks to him. This latest pregnancy is the result of a failed vasectomy. I do not want to have a termination but I also cannot fathom how I'll manage with 5 DC without strangling DP after what he announced yesterday.

He currently works shifts and is out for 13 hrs 5 days per week and on call all night on those nights, too. He announced yesterday that he's taken on a different contract whereby he'll be on call on his days off as well. This means every day could potentially be a work day thus giving him the excuse to never do anything at night with the DC. It means I have to do the school run with 5 DC every day, even if he's at home twiddling his thumbs. It means the DCs already disturbed sleep being further disturbed by his alarm every single day and them rejecting him even more no doubt.

It doesn't make any difference money wise to me or the DC. I receive 'housekeeping' and that isn't going to increase. I just feel like there's no point being together if his reaction to the new baby is to work and disconnect from the family even more. AIBU to think he should be trying to work less to improve relations and help me more rather than trying to absolve himself of any responsibility at all?

Itisnoteasybeingdifferent Sun 12-Feb-17 09:34:09

I sense you are thinking about LTB. I observe he is holding at least one responsibility.. .He is earning a living to keep you and the children clothed fed and housed. Whilst it is tempting to say you get nothing from the relationship, I think that counts for quite a lot.

The relationshp with the children bit will take a lot of work. But for as long as you are still a family you have a chance of doing something. If you give up on the relationship you will always be totally alone. It will also probably leave you much worse off than you are now.

NotStoppedAllDay Sun 12-Feb-17 09:48:50

Having read that I can't understand why you decided to go on and get pregnant?

Crumbs1 Sun 12-Feb-17 09:52:46

Depends whether you want to take off some of the pressure on him to be a good provider? Maybe you work to allow him the financial security to reduce his hours?
My husband worked/works incredibly long hours to build a secure home life for our family. I did vast majority of childcare to support that knowing the longer term gain was the plan. He has a very good relationship with the children who understand fully the sacrifices we both made when they were younger.

deai Sun 12-Feb-17 09:53:00

Notstopped-.She didnt 'decide' to hmm and anyway thats a really unhelpful, judgey comment co sidering she is already pregnant

Deathraystare Sun 12-Feb-17 09:57:13

He 'cannot' take any of them to bed or school - they would be hysterical. They don't ever want to spend time alone with him and he can't look after more than one at a time without WW3 breaking out.

That is so sad. Sounds like he is deliberately taking on more work to 'avoid' home.

ChuckSnowballs Sun 12-Feb-17 10:00:09

Leave him and take his child maintenance, it seems you will have the same life, more cash and without a useless man child to add to the equation.

MoggieMaeEverso Sun 12-Feb-17 10:02:05

You receive "housekeeping" instead of having equal control over the family finances?? Is he financially abusive or is this a situation that you've both agreed together for some reason?

squeakingclean Sun 12-Feb-17 10:09:43

Them being hysterical is a very odd reaction. It sounds like you have deliberately made them over dependent on you - I'm guessing of he ever does anything with them, and they cry, for example- he tries to put them to bed, they cry 'I want Mummy' etc, I suspect you wade straight in and intervene....however little time he does spend with them, should be without you stepping in and letting them run to you. You've made a rod for your own back.

My dad worked 6 days a week and was out of the house 14 hours a day when I was little, because that was the only job he could get which allowed him to provide sufficiently for his family. Yet we always had a good relationship with him, despite this.

Supporting a family financially, especially 4, soon to be 5 children is not doing nothing.

RainbowsAndUnicorn Sun 12-Feb-17 10:22:22

So if he does nothing, how about he stops work?

I don't imagine he likes working for all that time but he has no choice, you don't help out and their are numerous children to feed.

Swap roles if you feel he has it so easy.

VimFuego101 Sun 12-Feb-17 10:28:20

Did he really choose to take the new role or was it a restructuring/ 'take this job or get laid off' scenario?

SalmonFajitas Sun 12-Feb-17 10:30:13

Obviously this is a difficult situation and arguably he shouldn't have let it arise but judging him doesn't help you at the moment. I think you need to support him in building his relationships with the kids. If him taking them alone doesn't work ensure you get plenty of time with you all together. Play board games, watch a film, go to the park with the bikes. With four kids an extra pair of hands will be useful for you and when you're busy he'll inevitably end up pushing the swing, holding a hand or dusting off a scraped knee. Get him involved in bed time even if he's not doing it himself - could he be in charge of a bedtime story (with you still there) for example?

I would try my best not to make him feel judged when he's parenting - it's easy to get into a pattern were you're the default carer and he picks up that the kids would rather have you do XYZ and you'll do it in half the time so he doesn't bother. I imagine the more he's criticised the more entrenched this will become. If you can think of an activity to do that he's better at than you all the better.

Obviously it's frustrating and you shouldn't have to hold his hand but personally I think it's worth a try and better than just leaving.

user1484226561 Sun 12-Feb-17 10:31:17

he needs your support to build up a relationship with the children. Definitely don't allow them to get away with "hysteria" - completely unacceptable. It does sound like you have encouraged this.

witsender Sun 12-Feb-17 10:32:57

I'm surprised at some of these responses, I don't think you sound unreasonable at all

user1484226561 Sun 12-Feb-17 10:35:28

I don't think this sort of relationship with the father comes about without the collusion of the other witsender

BillSykesDog Sun 12-Feb-17 10:36:32

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

bruffin Sun 12-Feb-17 10:40:21

yep billsykes got to be same poster. Shes a gatekeeper.

NotStoppedAllDay Sun 12-Feb-17 10:44:29

Yep!

Thought so

BillSykesDog Sun 12-Feb-17 10:48:37

Big, big time emotional abuser of DP and children who uses MN to validate abuse.

OnionKnight Sun 12-Feb-17 10:51:00

Oh not you again OP.

hopelesslycynical Sun 12-Feb-17 10:53:46

Haven't you posted about him before, using hundreds of different names? The poor guy can't do anything right. Didnt you even get your oldest dd to spy on him and report back to you. Like previous posters have said you've deliberately engineered your kids overdependence on you. No wonder he works all he can. He probably hates being at home.

Spottytop1 Sun 12-Feb-17 10:54:05

I think you should be grateful that you have a husband who works so hard to support his family and you should help develop positive relationships between him and the children and ensure they realise and appreciate how hard he works to give them (& you) the life you all have.

boredwithabrokenfinger Sun 12-Feb-17 10:54:52

Maybe he doesn't like children? confused

SalmonFajitas Sun 12-Feb-17 10:56:04

What is the history with this poster?

ElspethFlashman Sun 12-Feb-17 10:57:45

What's the back story here?

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