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Should I have let her sort it

(35 Posts)
madmoon Fri 10-Feb-17 09:30:33

So my daughter is 16 and as long as she has walked this earth she has been strong willed, independent, opinionated , she has high standards and can have some very good morals , if she believes an injustice has been made she will fight your corner regardless of the outcome to herself , she won't lie if she done it she just say she's not scared to admit when she's wrong.

Now as you can probably imagine this means that raising her has been turmoil, at school she has a reputation, most teachers love her but feel she sometimes over steps the mark ( they are correct) if and when she has issues at school I will sit with her and discuss the issue and at time put punishments in place , she does not walk over and will tell me things about her life that some parents don't get ,
Recently at school there was an incident where her form tutor asked her to stay back before English , she didn't she said the reason behind this was because she been late too English previous and didn't want to get the point on her card ( to enable her to graduate) .
Her tutor went to her lesson and tore into her in front of the teacher , he called her rude , selfish and her behaviour was moronic.
Since that his attitude ( obviously this is going by my daughter and some of her mates! ) has changed to my daughter he doesn't call her by her name , apparently sneers at her and picks fault with everything she does ! Again I can't say this is 100% correct as I am not there.
Form tutor rang me Wednesday and we had a conversation where he told me that he didn't realise a pupil could produce so much emotion in him , he asked if I could speak to my daughter as he felt she was holding it against him,
I told him that whilst I know my daughter is hard work , that by humiliating her he's probably pushed her too far , I asked if he felt he now had an issue with my child he said he didn't he think she's great and that they both over stepped the mark.
I arranged with him a meeting for him , my child and the year head for today.
I spoke to my daughter , and we discussed the issue , I told her that in life she will meet ppl she doesn't agree with and she needs to learn to control her opinions and feelings , that sometimes you just can't have it your way.
Do you think the way I approached this being unreasonable, my husband was upset that I didn't leave it and just punish her , I felt that between her and the teacher they both admitted they were somewhat at fault - am I wrong. I need another perspective.

ageingrunner Fri 10-Feb-17 09:43:19

The teacher sounds...odd? unprofessional? confused

FrancisCrawford Fri 10-Feb-17 09:43:28

Why did the form tutor tell her to stay behind?

That seems the root of the problem - that a pupil was told to do something by a teacher and deliberately disobeyed. If necessary, the tutor could have written a note for the English teacher that would have stopped any demerit marking.

RB68 Fri 10-Feb-17 09:52:16

I think its two different ways of dealing with things but your way shows respect for your daughter as a young adult who if this is her personality needs to understand other people's point of view. You discussed the situation, facilitated a meeting with the effected people and are engaging in creating a solution. Where is the solution in your husbands method other than to minimise your daughter and tell her her views opinion and contribution don't count.

I think there were wrongs from both your daughter and the teachers actions, recognition of this helps them move forward. Perhaps your daughter also needs to understand forgiveness and that others are not always perfect, neither is she which I am sure she really understands but hasn't worked through to the conclusion yet.

Milklollies Fri 10-Feb-17 10:05:07

The teacher seems like a sexually repressed adolescent who has been refused by your daughter. I would back your daughter in this situation one hundred percent. Never put down your children in front of teachers.

madmoon Fri 10-Feb-17 10:50:17

I believe the teacher asked her to stay behind , because she hadn't handed in her absence note ( she has cyst on ovaries and was having a scan last week , she was meant to take in the proof of her appointment)

I agree she should of stayed behind and I told her just that , I never spoke to her tutor about the way he spoke to her at that English lesson although I thought he was possibly a bit full on , I agreed that she almost instigated by not staying behind.

My oh is old school , he feels she should learn to tow the line and there fore needs some form of punishment.

I try to install in all our children that sometimes people react in certain way due to thing out of or control.

myfavouritecolourispurple Fri 10-Feb-17 10:59:55

Missing the point of the thread slightly but why did she need to prove that she had an appointment? Surely if you have told the school that she has an appointment, that is sufficient? My ds has orthodontists' appointments in school time from time to time, I just sign him out at reception (and he signs himself back in). I have not been asked to show any proof.

Trifleorbust Fri 10-Feb-17 11:49:16

It honestly sounds to me like she is a total madam and has pushed the teacher to the point where he has lost all patience with her and, yes, lost the moral high ground by making unprofessional comments. I would be really cross with my DD for thinking she could please herself when her tutor had given her a clear instruction. I wouldn't tolerate a teacher calling my child 'moronic'.

Trifleorbust Fri 10-Feb-17 11:52:10


This is one of those comments that I can't help feeling somewhat irritated by, although I am sure you are just speaking from your (natural) position of not knowing how these things work in schools. Most form tutors are required to keep track of attendance so they can manage it from the pastoral side, including making initial contact with parents of attendance is slipping. But if you really thought about it, you might make this assumption anyway because what teacher in their right mind would spend their time chasing evidence for absence I they didn't have to? They have more than enough work to do as it is without making more for themselves.

Trifleorbust Fri 10-Feb-17 11:54:00

Never put down your children in front of teachers.

Except it isn't 'putting her down' to tell her her behaviour was unacceptable. Why would you want to bring your child up in the mistaken belief that she is always right and you will 'back her' irrespective of how poor her behaviour was? confused

Hassled Fri 10-Feb-17 11:58:20

The extent of the tutor's reaction to what seems to be a one-off minor sort of thing makes me think that there's possibly stuff you don't know - that maybe this not staying behind when asked was the straw that broke the camel's back. Teachers are pretty damn good at not holding grudges or reacting disproportionately on the whole - but clearly this tutor has had enough. And yes, your DD does need to learn that not everyone will agree with her or tolerate bad behaviour - talking about this sort of thing can only be useful. What sort of punishment is your DH proposing?

picklemepopcorn Fri 10-Feb-17 12:11:13

IT sounds as though everyone except DH thinks this is resolved.

I'm surprised the teacher needed you to intervene. I would have thought he could sort it out himself.

You are right not to impose a solution on DD. She will only resent it, which is no resolution.

Katy07 Fri 10-Feb-17 12:12:43

She was told to stay behind and didn't - while her teacher sounds as if he might have dealt with it badly she definitely instigated it by disobeying his instruction. She needs to learn that. She sounds, from what you've said & how you've put it, like she can be a right little madam & the sooner she learns that you can't continue that in real life the better for her.

unfortunateevents Fri 10-Feb-17 12:20:05

You are not in the UK, are you?

JanuaryMoods Fri 10-Feb-17 12:22:52

Her behaviour was totally unacceptable, no wonder he had a go at her. She sounds an arrogant little madam.

TheOnlyColditz Fri 10-Feb-17 12:26:34

While she has been 'a little madam' I cannot help but butt in and remind some of the other posters that this young woman is 16 years old. She's old enough to walk out and get married, exactly what 'punishment' would be appropriate here?

Imnotaslimjim Fri 10-Feb-17 12:45:19

The part that stands out for me is * he didn't realise a pupil could produce so much emotion in him* surely it is extremely unprofessional to show that never mind tell the DC's parent? It doesn't matter what she's done, the teacher should be able to control themselves.

I'm mum to a strong-willed "character" she's only 9 but has butted heads with teachers a few times (not physically!) however they have never once told me that they react in any particular way to her!

Yes, your DD should have stayed and spoken to the teacher and got a note for English to stop the demerit but it sounds like he's holding a bit of a grudge against her. At 16, I'm not sure what your DH expects you to do to punish her. You've discussed it with her and school, what more can you do?

Trifleorbust Fri 10-Feb-17 13:54:52

TheOnlyColditz: If she wants to behave like an adult she can do that when she leaves full time education. Schools have rules.

madmoon Fri 10-Feb-17 14:54:42

Our school has to have appointment cards / letters for it to be allowed and authorised

madmoon Fri 10-Feb-17 15:08:06

My daughter is hard work I be the first to say it , I wouldn't call her a Madame as such strong willed and sadly thinks she knows it all .
I tell her off , ground her, take her phone , iPad away when I feel it's needed she works hard even at weekends she even working on school work or at her jobs as a waitress.
The year head said to me today that she has great traits but is yet to understand her abilities ,
The point of the thread is more about wether I was wrong to get involved as my oh thought I was , I feel that any child regardless of age need showing the correct path and even at times instructed,
Her form tutor and her have spoken and both apologised for their behaviours and hopefully starting a fresh after the holidays .

Kiroro Fri 10-Feb-17 15:15:36

The teacher seems like a sexually repressed adolescent who has been refused by your daughter.

That is what I though! Causes so much emotion in him???? Ugh.

Trifleorbust Fri 10-Feb-17 15:17:30

It's a difficult one. The thing that should have happened is that the form tutor should have punished her and you should have been in a position where you could support him. But by losing his temper with her he made that impossible. My question is how she has become so wilful that this is how she is interacting with adults. Have you always disagreed with your OH about when/how she should be punished?

GeorgeTheHamster Fri 10-Feb-17 15:20:30

I think the way you have handled it sounds about right, op.

madmoon Fri 10-Feb-17 15:23:18

Not as a rule no , she one of many and she's always been fairly strong in character , 90% of the time we don't have issues with her and school normally deal with any unwanted behaviours at the school .
I guess I do most of the disciplining within the home oh used to work away 4 days a week , but his jobs changed in the last 6 months. Oh might be seeing more of her character than b4.

madmoon Fri 10-Feb-17 15:23:36

Thank you George

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