AIBU or was DH?

[brexitschmexit]

DH's birthday is coming up and he is working the day before which involves him being away from home (within the UK) and will not finish work till late evening. When I realised this, I commented "oh so you won't be at home on your birthday." To which he rather curtly said something like "yes I will. I might come back the same day." It is a situation where he would always stay overnight at the work location, so I was not unreasonable to assume he would be doing the same this time (I don't think!), and I didn't think he'd want to travel back late at night arriving home in the early hours.

Last night I broached the topic again and said when do you think you'll be back (thinking of what plans we can make to celebrate) and he immediately got annoyed and said he didn't know what time, but some point on his birthday. So he IS planning to stay over as he usually would.

When I showed surprise and said he had initially suggested he might come back on the day of the work thing, he got really angry, started shouting at me and saying he never said he would come home the same day, that I was lying to suggest it, I must have misunderstood etc. I stuck to my guns as I felt he was undermining me to say it was my error, when I clearly remember him saying he might come back the same day (because I remember how surprised I was at that idea). He then stood up, threw the TV remote at me (more towards me than at me), told me to F off and stormed off ranting that I am a f-ing arehole sometimes. It just seemed a massive overreaction and I have no idea where it came from or why he felt the need to be so rude or angry towards me.

I am a SAHM and feel like I do everything around here for him and the kids, and am so tempted to go on strike and not cook him a lovely home cooked meal from scratch this evening as I do every evening. Just don't appreciate being sworn at and called an arehole for something so trivial.

[OneOrgasmicBirthPlease]

His behaviour is abusive, I'm so sorry.

Is he often this awful? Even your language makes me think you are scared of him - it isn't normal to have to 'broach' a practical subject like this carefully, this should be a practical discussion between adults.

I'm sorry you are treated so poorly.

[Bluntness100]

Wow that's really weird , abusive, angry for no reason and over the top behaviour. Does he do this in other scenarios?

[KoalaDownUnder]

That's rude, nasty, unnecessary and just plain fucker-ish behaviour.

Where does he get off treating you like that??!

[KinkyAfro]

Not cooking him a meal? I'd be fucking him right off if my partner ever spoke to me like that

[Nocabbageinmyeye]

Oh ya you are the fucking arsehole in this situation

His birthday would be cancelled if he lived here

[pipsqueak25]

what is the big deal with the birthday ? you seem to have bigger problems to concern with tbh, i'm obviously not the only one who sees that.

[xStefx]

Is he usually like that OP? it does seem strange for him to react like that over birthday plans x

[LaContessaDiPlump]

Op..... any chance he's cheating? I'd be wondering if he had plans witb someone else that he couldn't tell you about.

[sooperdooper]

What a weird nasty overreaction - is he always like this?

[Ilovecaindingle]

Sounds like he got confused and is blaming you as no way could HE have made an error. . .

[pipsqueak25]

i think i would seriously be thinking about a solicitor visit and getting some future 'escape plan' in place, even if he was stressed out with work, thhis is no way to live and there should not be any excuse for his behaviour.
is he like this with other people ? i expect not as he sounds like a bully and you are his verbal punch bag,
we will support you on here as much as we can

[Allthewaves]

Is it usually like this? Is it out of character?

As a complete side note - can't u celebrate at the weekend?

[Rumtopf]

That's not acceptable.
I'd be planning bugger all for his Birthday, if he turns up and objects well it's tough, you didn't know when he would be around so it's clearly not that important.

I have to say, if he's not normally such a dick, what is so important about this work thing that he's not telling you? I'd be very suspicious given his reaction.

[FinallyHere]

It doesn't sound good and I get that victim blaming is not helpful.

I have noticed that when people say "oh so you won't be at home on your birthday." rather than asking if they have decided what they are going to do about coming home, crossness and misunderstandings abound. DH and i argue and misunderstand each other much less when we ask, rather than assuming.

[KeiraH]

"Op..... any chance he's cheating? I'd be wondering if he had plans witb someone else that he couldn't tell you about."


I am sorry but that was my first reaction after reading your post too. Does he usually behave like that?

[Allthebestnamesareused]

I never understand the fuss over adult birthdays. We have both for various reasons been out/unavailable on our actual birthdays and just celebrate with a nice meal on another day!

Whilst his behaviour was not excusable perhaps he is under stress at work and having a wife nitpicking over whether or not he'll be back from a business trip might have tipped him over the edge (still not an excuse) but why are you so bothered about the exact point he'll be home by?

[brexitschmexit]

Gosh I didn't expect so many responses and with such strength of feeling!

Will try to respond to all questions etc....

Hadn't even considered he might be cheating to be honest! I really don't think so though. It's hard to explain the work thing without potentially outing myself, but basically it is part of his job that he goes to this event, he goes to all of them (and it's definitely real, it's something public IYSWIM!) and he would always stay over when he is away as otherwise he'd be travelling back through the night. So I am not suspicious of his attendance or staying over, all entirely normal.

He is not normally like this in terms of the language, unpleasantness etc. He is generally a decent guy and I would say is a man of integrity. But I suppose I do bear the brunt of any stress/tiredness/grumpiness. I certainly can't imagine him speaking to someone else like that. Friends and family would be shocked if I told them he had to me.

Apologies if a drip feed but he's been feeling really rough the past few days and was off work yesterday with it - v unusual for him to take a day off. So feeling crap may have contributed to his short temper last night. He probably also feels a bit resentful he won't be at home the morning of his birthday so will lose family time. Birthday is at the weekend and as he works long hours in the week him working/being away sat and then home later on sun does impact. We have 3 young DC and family tradition is breakfast in bed for the bday parent (if it falls at the weekend) and presents opened in bed with the DC. We would then perhaps go out for the day or have a pub lunch out or something. It's not a massive deal that he won't be here first thing, and I don't think I did make a big deal of it, more of a "oh that's a shame you won't be at home"'type of thing.

I think your posts have made me realise I excuse/allow some not very nice treatment just to avoid conflict, as I have found if I do challenge him or say that I don't like something it tends to lead to a bigger row and it feels like a small issue has been blown out of proportion. As I say he doesn't usually speak to me like that (but has on occasion) so I was quite shocked, but I notice increasingly that he doesn't seem very interested in anything I have to say, which makes me feel worse than being shouted at to be honest! I am quite a chatty person and need to get things off my chest, have a chat at the end of the day to digest/process. He is the opposite and if stressed or bothered about work or something he would rather NOT talk about it. I accept that, but there are certain things we need to talk about, and I usually find that it's hard to find an opportunity. He gets home late, I serve up dinner, telly goes on and he HATES me to talk during a show he is watching, he will press pause with a big sigh etc! So I might wait till the adverts or the end to bring something up. Even then I feel like I'm talking in a vacuum, I often get minimal response, often he will just sit not even looking at me and will say nothing to indicate if he's listening, agrees or disagrees, and sometimes if I'm feeling less than patient I end up walking off as it feels like a waste of time. Stuff like this makes me feel really sad and I have a lump in my throat as it makes me feel so undervalued and alone.

[brexitschmexit]

To be clear, I don't care what time exactly he is home, I'd just like a rough idea so I can plan the day. It would also have been good to know he won't be here Sunday morning as one DC attends an activity that DH usually takes him to, so now I will need to take him with the others in tow.

Perhaps he felt it was nit picking, especially if he is stressed about work/bothered about being away at the weekend when he'd rather be home wth the kids. But I think a wide should be able to ask her husband when he will be back from a work trip! Bear in mind the last conversation we had I was led to believe Saturday, but found out last night it would be Sunday! If I hadn't asked last night I would have expected him home late sat. I didn't ask him what time he'd be back, I just said when do you think you'll come home. Hardly nit picking....

[brexitschmexit]

Also we don't make a big fuss of birthdays.toast and tea in bed plus a few small presents is as fancy as it gets. We might go out for a meal or cinema if we can get a sitter. But certainly not a big fuss. To be fair, I'd have asked him when he was coming home whether or not it was his birthday, as I think it's perfectly fair enough to ask when your DH is coming home from a work trip when it is at the weekend.

[brexitschmexit]

I have messaged him to ask if there is any reason why he was so angry at me last night and to say I don't think it was ok to use the language he used. No response yet....

[brexitschmexit]

*wife not wide!

[user892]

Love, there are no excuses. His behaviour is abusive and entirely unacceptable.

If my husband called me names and threw the remote in my general direction (for any or no reason) he'd be out... Let alone all the rest.

[user892]

I have messaged him to ask if there is any reason why he was so angry at me last night and to say I don't think it was ok to use the language he used. No response yet....

Whys won't help. You need to tell him firmly and calmly that he may not treat you like that.

[carefreeeee]

It sounds a bit like a partner I once had. generally a good person and would do anything for a friend, but for some reason thought it was ok to be pretty rude to me on occasion (not letting me say anything whilst TV on, refusing to speak on long car journeys if he didn't feel like it, getting very annoyed occasionally about things and taking it out on me). Our other friends would never know he was like that as he wouldn't be as bad with anyone else.

I think you have to stand up to people like that - we eventually split up and are now good friends, but he has a lot more respect for me now that I just walk away if he gets too much.

It does sound like he needs to stop taking you for granted. Can you sit down and have a proper conversation, at a time when you are not annoyed with each other, and tell him how you feel when he treats you like that? Swearing at someone in anger is crossing a line and I think he needs to be told it's not acceptable.

[brexitschmexit]

Thank you for the supportive comments and for helping me to see it as it is. We do need to have a conversation where I explain to him how certain things make me feel. Ok he doesn't want a lengthy chat every evening, and I do make efforts to respect that, but he needs to also accommodate that there are things I might need/want to talk about, especially if it relates to practical arrangements that impact us all or if it relates to the DC (eg one has SEN and there is currently a lot going on with that which I need his support with).

I have been in an abusive relationship before (physical and emotional abuse) and am very proud of myself for escaping from a very difficult situation. DH is certainly nothing like my ex, but it is a wake up call to hear various people here telling me what DH said last night was abusive. It felt wrong and it felt excessive, but I think I excised it a bit too much in my own mind and let him strip off to bed ranting at me. I will make it clear to him he crossed a line and I won't accept that type of treatment. Thank you.