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To not want my DC to go to a school where the Mum of a child whose going used to bully me

(53 Posts)
bluelightoversunset Thu 26-Jan-17 12:33:31

This sounds infantile but when I was a kid there were 4 popular girls at school who called me fat, ostracised me, wouldn't let me play there '4 player' games, laughed every time I walked past and made the whole class hate me. I was a complete loner at primary school and the hangups stayed with me through to secondary. I managed to work really hard in a failing state comprehensive and made it to a good university where I made some awesome friends and met DH but I came back to my hometown when we had kids to be close to my parents who are the only really connection I had in this town. Since being back I have made a few absolutely lovely friends from toddler groups, but they are all going to the local church primary school and we are non-believers. So we are left with the community school, and I bumped into this woman who bullied me from primary school in a toddler group and started talking to her. I tried to be nice because I know it's a small world round here and didn't want to look like I was still hung up on something that happened 25 years ago, she said this school is her first choice, the kids would be in the same year and she's definitely going to get in because she lives one street over! I feel sick at having to stand at the school gates with her, I don't want to be left out again like I was before as a child but now as a Mum!!! I feel like I made good and now all my education was for nothing because I'm back with the same cows that I was trying to get away from, she has a massive group of friends. I am worried they will tell other people, and I will look weird for growing up somewhere and not having any friends.

Should i just move area completely and sacrifice my relationship with my parents, at the moment we see each other all the time and DC love seeing their grandparents. I feel like why should I let them force me away but then I wish I could go somewhere new, we are in the middle of trying to buy a house and DC haven't started school yet so we could technically go anywhere right now.

The school in our town now is outstanding and looks really lovely, apart from her I don't think I'll know anyone else so part of me thinks just to bury my feelings.

I know this is a first world problem but it's stayed with me for years. Please don't be harsh, what would you do??

Olympiathequeen Thu 26-Jan-17 12:41:19

You are not unreasonable at all but I think it's worth trying to live with the situation, unless you can get your child into another primary?
I totally understand you loathing for this woman but she hasn't the influence she had all those years ago and you will find other mums like you.

My first option though would be to try for another primary. I just would avoid all the horrible feelings she invokes in you.

Efferlunt Thu 26-Jan-17 12:42:31

I would hate this too. It would make me feel like I hadn't moved on. It's not the case though is it. You done very well in your life and shouldn't have to move or anything.

Is the church school really not an option? If not remember you don't have to see much of the other mums at pick up time. It's only the first three years when you actually need to do anything more than a swift fly-by of the school gates

wigglesrock Thu 26-Jan-17 12:44:14

What would I do? I wouldn't give her a second thought. It's up to you whether you talk to her or not. The school is fab, you have a great support system don't second guess yourself now. We ended back moving back to the area we grew up in, so our kids ended up at the same school as a lot of the kids of people I went to school with. Some were horrible at school, some were lovely - I didn't let the ones that were horrible over twenty five years ago ruin the lovely time my kids were going to have at school.

A girl who was particularly mean at primary school is now a primary school teacher by all accounts she's a great teacher both the kids and parents really like her. My kids haven't got her yet, I don't know if they will. Maybe she regrets what she did at school, maybe she doesn't think about it but I'm not letting my past affect my kids. Good luck, it's horrible to meet someone who automatically transports you back to an unhappy time but don't throw all your plans up in the air because of one person who I'm sure doesn't give you a second thought.

Magicpaintbrush Thu 26-Jan-17 12:46:41

Is there not an area nearby where you could still be within say 10/15 mins of your parents but be in the catchment area of a different school?

I can understand why you wouldn't want to see one of the people who ruined your childhood on a daily basis.

BarbarianMum Thu 26-Jan-17 12:47:13

I would put my children into the school then actively avoid her in the playground and concentrate on making new school gates "friends."

Hellanddalmatian Thu 26-Jan-17 12:48:48

You've probably got an advantage as you've been out and seen the world, whereas she probably stayed there all her life? Seek out people like you. Stuff her and her cronies, if they are stuck in a 25 year old primary school mindset, then they need to grow up. If you have to do pick up and drop offs, arrive as near to opening and closing times as possible, stand as far away from her as possible and seek out new people to talk to. Your child(ren) will make new friends and you can do playdates and invite the new mums you will meet. Just be friendly and chatty to parents who are not her or her cronies. Have you got the option of a counsellor you could talk these things through with? You will find, that as an adult, it is possible to find a way to protect your "inner child" (sorry!). You were obviously not protected as a child from these former children. Remember you are an ADULT now and you can protect yourself and arrange your own group of friends to look out for you.

pinkiepie1 Thu 26-Jan-17 12:52:16

Hi im in a simlar situation, my dd started nursery and one of the women who's daughter goes there used to bully me. It has been well over 16years but they made my life hell still have the occasional nightmare bout been back there.
I have done the only thing I can think of and that's drop daughter off at school and stick to myself, im not going to get into 'mum cliques' or how ever its spelt because I don't know what has been said or if she even rememebers me.
Don't give up on everything you've worked so hard for, you don't have to be friends or even talk, hold your head high and make out you.dont give a shit.
I feel for you cos I know what its like
Xxx

AwkwardTurtles Thu 26-Jan-17 12:53:44

It's probable that this woman has no recollection of excluding you when you were kids. People re-write history, but also it probably wasn't a significant thing to her, even though it affected you deeply. I think it's unlikely she will attempt to ostracise you as a grown up, and if she told the story to her friends they would see she had been a bully.

May be worth having a chat along the lines of oh yea we used to go to school together, I always felt a bit awkward etc Could be that as grown ups she might offer an apology and you can go your separate ways.

I would try and maintain perspective if possible, but strong and confident in your life now. As bad as your experiences were they probably drove you on to succeed

MissVictoria Thu 26-Jan-17 12:56:09

You are not being unreasonable, i was bullied to the point of being suicidal, had to drop out of highschool and became very unwell with MH issues that have left me incapable of work and feeling like i don't deserve the resources (oxygen, clean water, food etc) that i consume. Knowing that the person who did that to me, isolated me and turned my few friends and the rest of the year group against me now has children of her own, honestly terrifies me. She never apologised but i did have brief contact at 18 when i asked her why she did it. Her answer was simply "I was bored and it was fun". I didn't do anything bad to her, and by doing what is always advised, "ignore them, they'll get bored" just fueled her desire to see how far she had to push me to get a reaction.
I genuinely fear that she will have brought up her children to be just like her and that they will go on to victimise some other poor children, nobody deserves to be bullied, and it can affect you for the rest of your life.
In your situation i'd appeal to the church primary, even if it means telling the situation, to see if an exception could be made. If not, if there is any other school within a distance that's feasible, i'd send them there. IF you are left with no other option, ask the school directly to please put your child in a different class to her child (assuming primary schools still have 2 classes per year group).

I did also have a girl who was nasty to me contact me to apologise though, i think having children of her own really changed her once she had that vulnerable feeling that her own child could be bullied one day.

engineersthumb Thu 26-Jan-17 12:56:51

However uncomfortable it is for you your child's education needs to come first. If nothing else taking a poorer school is continuing to let them win. Select the best school you can and if this person is there and you feel uncomfortable then say directly that as she bullied you 25 years ago you don't want anytjing to do with her now. As for being excluded at the scool gates I think it unlikely that she would have too much influence, try to make contact with parents in the year above as they will already know ins and outs.

Nocabbageinmyeye Thu 26-Jan-17 13:01:33

I was badly bullied on school. Hadn't seen my bully in years but then we both moved to a village half an hour away, our kids go to the same school now and she seems nice, we don't hold long conversations but we say hello, pass comment on the weather etc and all is fine. I just remember that it happened a long time ago when I was a child and therefore when she was a child too, she has had twenty years to change. I would relax, certainly don't love house, you don't move house for something that "might" happen, she has probably changed and it's not like you want to be besties so I would try relax and forget her and what she did, for your own benefit not hers

Nocabbageinmyeye Thu 26-Jan-17 13:02:45

Move house sorry

bluelightoversunset Thu 26-Jan-17 13:05:45

Thank you everyone, I really appreciate all your advice.

MissVictoria I'm so sorry to hear you experienced this too, I hate the fact that it is for no reason, I think her reason was boredom to. It makes it even harder to swallow, I did think about asking for my child to be in another class as it is two-form, so maybe that's an option..

pinkie I am so sorry you are going through this too, but like you said we have got children now and have moved on, we can walk with our heads held high and ignore them, I know it's easier said than done though.

SuperTrumper Thu 26-Jan-17 13:08:16

I think some people do stay bullies all of their lives but some also do change. When you spoke to her, what was her tone like with you? Was she friendly or was she stand offish? Did she ask you friendly questions like what you are up to in life now or did she not seem to give a shit? Did she seem at all uncomfortable about being face to face with someone from her past who she knows she was horrible to?
If she ticked more of the negative options I've written then chances are she is still a similar person and then I would feel uneasy. If she seemed "different", then I would proceed with letting your Dc go there but as a pp said, perhaps keep a bit of a distance.
I also agree with what a PP said in that she will or have influence she may have had before, and her cronies aren't little girls now they are hopefully mature women who aren't mean spirited.
If you are worried that she will poison her DCs against your DCs when they are eventually in the same class, I would hope that the likelihood of this happening would be low and that she would know that that would land her in a load of shit. Kids are also naturally good natured and at that age would to some extent know right from wrong, and in my experience aren't horrible to someone just because someone told them to be.

Remember that the best way to stick two fingers up at bullies is to not let them see you are affected.

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve Thu 26-Jan-17 13:10:07

What is she like when you speak to her at toddler group? She might be fine now, which isn't excusing bullying but you haven't said. It might give more context.

hmmmum Thu 26-Jan-17 13:10:42

Could you move so that you were still near your parents but, say, a half hour drive away and your kids could go to another school?
Otherwise I'd just send my kids to the same school and ignore the bully. The number of friends you have isn't a marker of success or happiness anyway. Where I live now, I only have a couple of friends, but with those two friends, my dh and my kids I'm as happy as I could be.
I'm so sorry you were bullied, and happy that you had such a positive experience at uni flowers

pinkiepie1 Thu 26-Jan-17 13:14:34

Oh god yeah its so much easier said than done lol... At least you have had some sort of for warning, I just walked straight into it. I did go home and cry, but I've obviously accomplished so much, how do you not know her life has not been so peachy.
Don't let her ruin it for you or your child, cos it will just mean that she has won again.
Well that's how it was put to me when I was thinking of moving my dd but she loves it and has come on leaps and bounds.

livefornaps Thu 26-Jan-17 13:19:11

Don't give up the best option available to your kids right now for something that happened 25 years ago. Don't give up your proximity to your parents over that either.

If she even remembers what happened...what's the likelihood that she's going to think "oh brilliant, now I can poison my own kids against hers and get all the other mums to stick their claws in too! Long may I reign as queen of the playground! Mwahahahaaaa!"

No. Come on.

Of course we never turn off our internal voice from childhood and frequently as adults we can feel just like we are five years old again!

How we behave, however, is very different. Even if she can remember being horrible to you, she would most likely be mortified that you were considering upending your whole life, and that of your children, over something she did as a child! What an awful thought.

Don't change a thing.

Of course if this were a blockbuster the two of you would feud before getting wasted on wine, trashing a supermarket and becoming bffs...!

Who knows?! But don't muck up your kids' chances over this.

bluelightoversunset Thu 26-Jan-17 13:20:39

She seemed reasonable at the toddler group, I facebook stalked her when I got back and saw in her profile pics that they were nearly all of her and the other 3 girls at various stages in their lives, so she clearly is still friends with them and I don't think any of them left the town ever.

We have been looking at other options of schools near by but they are either not rated as highly although I know that doesn't necessarily mean much, christian schools or they are in pricier areas, I did think about 'finding God' but my husband is an atheist and really doesn't want DC to say prayers and worship because it goes against everything he believes (or rather doesn't believe in), I'm not so worried about that but I do understand where he is coming from.

llangennith Thu 26-Jan-17 13:27:37

I don't suppose the four of them have given you any thought since they last saw you. It's horrible that seeing her has brought back such miserable feelings but only you can decide how to deal with that.
You will soon make new acquaintances who will become friends once DD starts school.

bluelightoversunset Thu 26-Jan-17 13:36:39

livefornaps i like your idea of a blockbuster movie, who knows, maybe that will happen, it would be funny if it did...

livefornaps Thu 26-Jan-17 13:59:56

That's the spirit! Stick a straw in your wine bottle and line up the shots. Be the life and soul of the party. It's gonna be great!

MrsJayy Thu 26-Jan-17 14:11:57

Bullying stays with you doesn't it ? Seeing her must have been really upsetting for you send your child to the school and dont give her another thought.
I live where i grew up and through out my dds school lives i have come across parents who i went to school with and some of them were not that pleasant to me it is hard to rise above it sometimes I met a dad one parents night who used to call me spaz (i have a disability) from primary tilli left high school, he said hi jay i used to go to school with you I retorted did you i cantremember you <sniff> I then waltzed off feeling very smug and pleased with my self grin

cakeycakeface Thu 26-Jan-17 14:15:03

I feel for you. Just wanted to say that my experience of the school gates isn't necessarily where you will make friends. It'll be by volunteering to help with a fundraising event and chatting to other mums there. Then hooking up on Facebook etc. The school gates can be odd: you can swing by and drive straight off, or you can stand and chat. I don't think there's any judgement if you do either.

I think you should get your DC into the best school, maintain your closeness with your parents. Give this women a cool but polite smile when you see her and nothing more. If she remembers her behaviour she'll know why. If she doesn't, she may try to be nice to you. You may even get a chance to tell her she made your life hell, and to ask how she'd feel if her DCs were subjected to that. There is a chance she already feels deep shame and hopes you've forgotten or will say nothing.

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